Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
neveragain
Wow! I just read posts from in Dec. above that said I was still scared about life without intimate love. I think I AM making progress! That is another useful thing about this blog, you can see yourself growing.
Rune
JAH: I think your observation about this betrayal vs. that betrayal is very significant. I hope you’re continuing on a good path and not in such pain.
With your insights, you might have something to add to the comments under Steve Becker’s blog on finding a good MH provider. You understand the difference between the two types of betrayals, at least on a gut level. Best.
neveragain
Steve, Just wanted to let you know I made a chart with three columns: What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Then I took all my experiences with the P and analyzed it with the chart and patterns jumped out at me.
Thank you so much.
kim frederick
great article. I would like to add that if you feel a somatic response, that is a response in your body, a kind of a queasy feeling or yucky sort of feeling, or if you feel very intimidatedby someone ,or have a feeling of shame, get away, fast. I have had several bad relationships with male n/s/p’s, but just recently befriended a female whom in the beginning I really liked. One day, about three weeks after moving in together,we were going to go to the grocery store ,she was waiting in the car for me. I was locking our front door and all of a sudden, out of nowhere I had the strongest feeling of shame wash over me.I recognized it and knew what I was dealing with. I moved out immediatly. I had also become aware of several lies she told me, an attitude of superiority, a false persona, and a sort of un namable envy. I am very grateful to have somewhere to go to share my experiense, strength and hope. Thanks.
Stayingsane
What a great and timely article for me. your advice is so immediately helpful, Thanks so much.
“will you be willing to have seen what you have seen” thats it…how many times have we been told to be polite, and of course mummy isn’t crying no go away…and dont be rude, and say thank you to auntie Ethel, and no I cant take your gift of money, give your granny a big hug and a kiss….on and on its a wonder we have any real self left to read a situation accurately..Im thinking of Virgina Satir 5 freedoms….the freedom to see what you see, feel what you feel…cant remember the other ones…but its in the context of family dysfunction and how we are not allowed our true response because it threatens the illusion that the family is “fine”
neveragain
Here is an article saying you CAN judge a book by its cover.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200908/you-really-truly-can-judge-book-its-cover
On the one hand, that is comforting in terms of red-flags …red flags ARE there. On the other hand we know Ps are very good at mimicking. Would be interesting if there were identified Ps in the study vs. egotists.
But also shows why internet hookups are dangerous. We miss those first 30 second cues, and then by the time we meet them, our brain chemicals have been messed with, if we are already in love with their words.
neveragain
Also interesting that it mentions the smile as being a real key to identifying altruistic people…a genuine smile, that shows up often.
That rings true for me. Have noted the FAKE smiles in the bad guys.
Easy
They have ways of avoiding the system!
http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/
neveragain
Steve, just wanted to say that whenever I start getting mixed up in my thinking again…..oh, surely he is not a P, blah, blah, blah….I come back and read this blog. It has helped me so much.
skylar
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32986926/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/
More evidence that they show their stripes early on but then they slip through the cracks. WHY?