Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Matt,
When my ex first met me, he couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful, sweet, and wonderful I was. He even went online and posted these things about me on the public forum. I was actually embarrassed because I’d just met him and could hardly even consider him as a friend at that point. The latest guy who is flattering me is from a dating site. He seems very nice, genuine, and sensitive from what I can see so far, and I am definitely not attached to him in any way (he lives 4 hours away). But whenever he tells me I am special because of my love for animals, I just cannot even accept that compliment. It would have been flattering in the past. Now it’s just suspect. How can someone I’ve never met know this about me? For all he knows I could be an ax murderer. I never used to be so cynical. It’s sad.
Dear Southernman,
I loved what you said about compassion. I feel that too… that I have expanded and in a way, have a deeper appreciation for being human and the struggles we face.
I wanted to say more but it’s late and everything I am writing is not making sense. It might have something to do with the Mall.. and Christmas shopping. :o)
Aloha
Steve
1. First become FRIENDS! This is a no Brainer! Wini said her Father told her wait nine months and see if you still like this person! Benefit of Doubt 1yr. If they don’t want to Wait! First Clue! LOVE JJ
Stargazer:
I have to admit I see red flags with both your ex and your current guy.
With the former it was the inappropriateness of the forum (public), the immediacy/sense of urgency his putting that much out there about you (beautiful/sweet/wonderful — for God’s sake, he didn’t know you) and the intensity of what he was saying that I find bothersome.
Remember Tom Cruise and his declarations of love for Katie Holmes on Oprah? Didn’t you skin crawl over that one? Your ex was baiting the hook, using his words as a lure, and roping you in hard and fast. Anyone on this site, having been hit by a sociopath in a similar context would be seeing red flags.
As for Bachelor #2, I think it’s one thing to tell someone a generalized comment i.e. “I think people who love animals are special.” Again, a problem, at least for me, is his doing this in a public forum. I think in your gut you know this is way too much, way too soon.
To realistically assess the sincerity and character of the person giving you the compliments you have to be able to see them — anyone can write anything on a website. And if you can’t observe the person making them, at least in the early part of the relationship, it’s easy to fall into the trap of creating an image of the person and falling in love with it.
My S was the master of the text message. I fell in love with the “Hello, Handsome” and “Bonjour Beau” emails. Problem was I never saw him enough up front to even gauge his sincerity, let alone what else was going on.
A realistic question you have to ask yourself you can have a viable relationship with someone 4 hours away. I personally live by the “3 subway stop rule”. I’m not saying long distance relationships can’t work, but my experience has been that you end up with too much intensity up front because you aren’t close enough to take things at a more normal pace. Instead you end up doing things on an accelerate basis because you try to make get so much in the time you have together.
Also, I think it’s okay to meet on-line, but again, 2 or 3 emails, and then a call, and then coffee. I’ve fallen into the trap of chatting with someone on line and start falling for the image I’ve created in my mind. I fall into the trap of looking for the fairytale, but when reality hits I never never had the happily ever after.
EyeoftheStorm said: “Ann Rule’s point is, we do not always have clues or telltale signs. These people are smart. They are masters of deceit. She said that psychopathy is her business. She studies it and writes about it professionally. She said she sat locked in a room with Ted Bundy sitting next to her for several weeks and she didn’t see anything to be alarmed about. ”
I defnititely agree there is often no signs when in casual interactions with psychopaths. Although Rule and Bundy worked some together, and became friends, they weren’t spending vast amounts of up close and “personal” time together like someone who is living with a P would be. In a volunteer work situation like the suicide hotline working together a few hours each evening, Bundy probably had nothing to “gain” from targeting Rule thus she only saw his “normal” side. And socially I believe it was limited to the occasional lunch and a party they once attended together, and of course the letter writing once he was in jail. Lots of other people did see signs of Bundy’s character flaws, but from what I have read they made excuses for them or overlooked them. Bundy had a reputation as a theif dating back to his teenage years. Of course not everyone saw that side of him. Also, one older lady friend he constantly borrowed from and never repaid. And then Liz, the girfriend, saw some “unusual” behavior but simply didn’t know what to think of it. And Bundy’s nocturnal habits and disappearing acts he pulled on her, she chalked up to possible “other women” he was seeing behind her back. And of course, there was Bundy’s Aunt Julia who tells of Bundy surrounding her with knives when he was only three. So I think plenty of people saw “signs”, just not everyone he came into contact with.
IMO, even the dumbest psychopath can pull off fairly normal behavior in limited interactions with casual friends or acquaintances. But I think when a person is in an up close and personal relationship with them, like romance when you are living with them, it is much more difficult for them to keep up the mask for any length of time.
It is also my personal opinion that the ones who manage to keep the mask on better just have strong psychopathic “traits” and that the “successful” ones probably score in the sociopathic range (I define this as around 20 or so on the PCL-R). But those that actually score up there in the 30+ range, although they may get away with what they are doing for long periods of time, I feel it is only because they have people covering up their multitude of misdeeds, and they also have a trail of victims too frigtened, embarrassed, or otherwise intimidated who don’t come forward, or if they do come forward no one takes their complaints seriously. So although the public at large may think there were no signs and the “general population” they come into contact with on a casual basis through work or socially may not “know” I think there are plenty of people out there who do have strong “clues” as to what they are all about.
Ok, I’m on a roll here. 🙂 I also think that although only a small percentage of them are serial killers, and most of them do not commit murder, that a heckuvalot more of them commit murder than thought. With problems with crime linkage, cases of death being ruled suicide (later proved to be homicide), and “accidents” (later ruled homicide), poisoning (ruled natural death and later ruled homicide) that pops up so much in the news, a clever psychopath can commit crimes, even murder and often get away with it.
I mean, sure although some adults disappear because they want to disappear and start a new life, but where do all those other missing adults and children GO, who are never found? I don’t know too many 10 year olds who would hop on a bus to nowhere and start a new life on their own. And usually those death cases listed above are only discovered to be homicides after the psychopath commits a few more murders and suspicions start to be raised, then bodies are exhumed. (Drew Peterson comes to mind here–although I realize he has not been diagnosed as APD, nor has he actually been convicted of a crime…yet, and who knows if the cops will ever get enough solid evidence to get him convicted)
But think if the psychopaths had not committed those additional murders, then those earlier victims would remain in their grave, still ruled a suicide or accidental death, or natural causes statistic. So, if a P simply wants to get rid of “one” person and stops with that one person, I think they get away with that sort of thing with much more frequency than people would want to believe.
I do not believe there is a such thing as a non violent psychopath. I just think there are psychopaths who haven’t been “caught” being violent, or they haven’t run into a circumstance YET where they feel it is worth their while to get rid of a person or be violent to them in some manner. I think ALL psychopaths have it in them to be murderers on a whim if the mood hits them just right, therefore, I feel it is a dangerous assumption to think one’s psychopath is not the dangerous or violent type. But just my opinion.
Jen2008: Where my anti-social co-workers were concerned, every time I spoke up about their flaws to bosses (even the real bosses), I was reprimanded. I was given poor grades for people skills, that I didn’t play nice with the anti-social co-workers. I couldn’t believe this since I know I went out of my way for our customers and I was professionally nice to my co-workers (ALWAYS)! I never brought my personal knowledge about these anti-socials into the workplace. I had to work with them and I was always professional with them. As far as associated with them any longer after work … that would never happen again.
Yes, you are right, but not for what you think. I don’t believe people are embarrassed or ashamed to speak up … I think they are so beaten down is the reason they don’t speak up. I saw some of the evaluations over the years of said anti-social personalities I worked with. They were all given EXCELLENTS across the board. I couldn’t believe it. One anti-social personality after the other … all excellent evaluations… especially when it came with how they dealt with co-workers or the public. It was such a joke and a travesty. I was shocked at first, then I had to remember how they had all the bosses wrapped around their fingers, plus, they never could take any form of critism. In our place of employment, any REAL, caring, intelligent, patient … etc. boss was ousted and all the anti-social personalities rose through the ranks … where were these anti-social co-workers? Up front and centered of course, surrounding all the anti-social bosses. They actually sat in every primary location of the building N,S,E and W. No one could move without them knowing your every move … who you associated with, what time you left the building, where you sat, where you parked, what door you swiped your swipe card with. Oh, and while I’m at it … they oversaw everything especially the new age of computerized communication.
If you read any of my original bloggs you will see the rest of the story.
Wini said: “I don’t believe people are embarrassed or ashamed to speak up ” I think they are so beaten down is the reason they don’t speak up.”
Wini, I agree it is not always embarrassment or shame, but I do think that is sometimes the case, but anyways that is why I included intimidation, and frightened and that people don’t believe them…..
“and they also have a trail of victims too frigtened, embarrassed, or otherwise intimidated who don’t come forward, or if they do come forward no one takes their complaints seriously”
As for me, during the course of my relationship I ran the entire spectrum from embarrassment, shame, frightened, intimidated, and also not being believed when I did try to speak out….. Jen2008
Jen2008: I hear you. If I hear that phrase “He or she comes with them a WEALTH of Experience” I think I’ll go out of my gorde. For that phrase is/was perfected by the anti-socials of the world … aka meaning, they never did chit to get where they are, never will … and certainly aren’t qualified for the position they hold now … so hold onto your butt, you’re in for a bumpy ride!
Steve,
You are right on with your comments. Here is something I ponder though….. I admit that in retrospect, when I sat and wrote down all the red flags that I dismissed, they didn’t seem like red flags initially. THe flags were clouded by the things he said that at the time I thought were truthful and the things he did and the way he behaved that seemed genuine and sincere.
So in time when the behavior became bad…. and there were clear pictures in his behavior of arrogance, contempt, rage, selfishness and inappropriateness, it wasn’t so clear and it seems to me that’s where the confusion comes into play.
I spent so much time blaming myself 1. for staying when I saw these signs, but I loved him and believed all that I witnessed and heard in the beginning. 2. for allowing the bad behavior for as long as I did and not cutting the relationship off sooner. 3. For not being smarter and trusting my intuition and gut.
I know that my case is about more than a normal breakup. I later found that he lied to me from day 1. He was not in special forces EVER. He abused steroids, lived off of family money didn’t work for what he had, he was married, and later learned that he spewed the same stories, lies, and lines to his previous women. He did not kill people on behalf of the US government……yet when confronted he STILL talked like it all happened and I was crazy. Even when I knew the truth I wanted to believe him….why? How did this happen to someone described by my friends as a strong woman who doesn’t take any shit from anyone?
That is what is so hard to understand……. It doesn’t always happen so blatantly. It’s subtle, ambient abuse and mind fuck*^g that occurs. It’s a violation that made me fell in the end like rape victims feel. I did have PTSD. My therapist confirms. Still a year later, I recall small events, discussions, where I KNOW now the things he said were lies and for no reason most of the time. For me, there is no logic in that kind of behavior. We all lie, but I don’t go around telling people and believing that I work in my spare time for the KGB and I speak fluent Russian, telling people the actual aliases I’ve used abroad and teling my significant other that the FBI may come knocking to ask questions……
What goes on is his head? Do they truly believe all of this? Isn’t that delusional? I know this speaks to your comment about not getting so involved in the suspected pathology of these people and maybe I am too analytical….. yet it helps to understand. Maybe I am looking for answers that arent’ there. I wish I could have just said that on the surface soething doesn’t seem right…..and walked away earlier. BUT I fear that I may do that to the next guy and walk away too soon……due to a REAL lack of tolerance and fearing this kind of emotional damage again. Your thoughts?