Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Jen 2008,
“I ran the entire spectrum from embarrassment, shame, frightened, intimidated, and also not being believed…”
Yepindoodles. That’s the reason I decided not to share my real reasons for NC. It was easier to appear cold and unfeeling than to tell the truth about why I was breaking free of a ministry led by an S. Talking about what happened, which I tried briefly, only caused me headaches. All I wanted was to be free of the S. Talking about him with people who just don’t get S or Abuse was as bad or worse than dealing with the S.
Now he calls once in a while. He asks things like “Maybe we can get together after Christmas for lunch.” Rihh – ight! I don’t blame him for thinking I’m dumb enough to get sucked back into his crazy world. After all, I put up with a lot. He’s got quite a few dumb bunnies in his life who do keep catering to him, and he thinks I’m the dumbest of the dumb. I think his assumption that I can be charmed back into the fold is what keeps me tough. I’m not that dumb. I’m really enjoying sleeping through the night, having free time and energy to spare. If I got involved in his ministry I’d lose all that again.
Several people here have given great tips. One person remarked that when she had to call a P/S/N, she deliberately called when she knew he was in a meeting. That way she could pass vital messages without having to interact. That was great advice. He and I still work in a ministry that overlaps a bit, but I find I can avoid him gracefully. Because if this Blog, I’ve gained quite a few useful tactics.
The fact that I avoid him gracefully has been more helpful than any number of explanations. I’ve gotten a lot more respect for my NC position by being cool and dignified than I have ever gotten in the past from being open.
Technical Note – oopsy daisy! I got to zealous cleaning out excess programs and files. Now my computer’s lightning fast again, but I accidentally ditched ie spell. Gotta fix that, or I’ll look dumb as a stump!
onward and alohatraveler …
The expansion of empathy and compassion, I believe happens to people after a traumatic event. I felt the same thing before the sociopath, when my wife died. I felt a strong compassion for people who were fighting cancer. I remember being at the zoo, here in Atlanta, with my son and the sociopath, and I spotted a woman who it was obvious that she was fighting some sort of cancer. She was wearing a head covering, like my wife had wore, and it was again obvious that she had lost her hair… I felt no fear, and I approached her and talked to her giving to her encouragement. She was at first taken back, ( I had surprised her with my candor) but then her eyes softened, and she looked deeply into mine..when our short converstaion ended, she gave me a hug and thanked me. The socio, of course, didn’t “get it”…..
Again, I try not to think of myself as a victim of the effects of cancer, or a soicopath, but…. I have been affected by both of these life changing situations, and I must admit with both, I didn’t always have the proper attitude…At first, I was bitter about losing my wife, and later, I was bitter about the sociopath….
Forgiveness plays such a vital role in our healing… it’s very true… …for me, forgiving both my wife and the socio,( which I still have to work at everyday) opened my heart and it grew with compassion…..I think we have two choices in life… we can be bitter about the wrongs in ourlife, which, like acid, burns away in our insides…being bitter about life, or people, will surely keep you from ever having joy, peace, or a healthy relationship with someone special, because you are toxic in your heart.. the bitterness has to go…..
Or.. you can work on forgiving yourself and others, and God, look at the trial and tribulation from a different, more positive perspective, and ask yourself not only what can I learn from this?, but ask yourself how can I GROW from this.
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; And for everything you gain, you lose something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. you can either regret, or rejoice.”
Thanks, Matt (backtracking a few posts). Your post is very helpful. I don’t feel this guy I’m writing to is a sociopath, but the flattery makes me uncomfortable, even though it’s only in private messages and not on a public forum. A lot of guys do this online (for lack of a better way to connect). It’s all kind of a moot point because I’m terrified of dating right now anyway. The internet is a good way to expand your social circle if you don’t go out a lot. But it’s just feeling too wierd and creepy right now. When my ex did all that flattery on the public forum, I didn’t get red flags as far as danger was concerned. I just felt embarrassed and uncomfortable with it. I guess now I should start seeing it as a sign of danger. Thanks for your insight on this.
Rune,
About martial arts – buyer beware. A lot of Senseis are nuttier than Claxton cake. Really, there’s a high rate of serious dysfunctionalism in those who dedicate their whole being to the martial arts.
If anyone’s searching for a school, please read this first. It can save you some headaches, heartaches, time, serious injuries and cold hard cash.
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/martialarts.html
and particularly
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/MAculture.html
Yes, I know I keep referring people to the same sight. Dianna and Marc MacYoung are the most sensible people in the self defense business. There are a lot of crackpots out there. Listening to their sage advice can keep you safe.
Stormee, JustAboutHealed, andKeeping Faith….thank you, all, and others, for your thoughtful feedback…incredibly gratifying and beneficial!
Stormee, most of my exposure with this population comes from my clinical experience. I’ve certainly had some personal run-ins and involvement with exploitative personalities over the years, no question about that…but not, fortunately, to an extent in my personal life that ever left me traumatized and scarred. Clinically, on the other hand, I have had the opportunity to work with victims and perpetrators of exploitation over the roughly 20 years I’ve been in the field, and so most of my personal understanding of psychopathy and exploitive mentalities derives from the work I do. Thanks, Stormee, for your very meaningful reply to my post.
JustAboutHealed, once again…many thanks for your thoughtful reading of my posts…you always seem to locate insights that may be more yours, than mine…i really am appreciative of your feedback.
KeepingFaith…likewise, many thanks. I appreciate the predicament you raise, ie, the challenge of finding the right balance of being wisely aware and self-aware, but not so knee-jerk defensive that we precipitously cut ourselves off from others prematurely. You are right-on: this is a tricky balance to establish. I think, though, that the kinds of things to be watchful for, once registered, are strong and generally reliable indicators that there really is something amiss to reckon with seriously…in other words, the idea isn’t to run for the hills at the first signs of imperfection, because imperfection is obviously inevitable (as a matter of fact, the experience of a new partner as “perfect” is itself a red flag that may need some honest addressing)… and so we’re talking, I think, about something more than imperfection…. more along the lines of the exposure of “character” in the form of troubling, perhaps suddenly revealed attitudes and/or behaviors that carry ominous warnings. Thanks, JustAboutHealed, for your feedback…always thoughtful and stimulating…I will be very happy when you feel completely, and not just “just about,” healed.
Steve Becker
Elizabeth: You are correct in your statement that there are a lot of nut cakes in the martial arts business. The instructor I took classes with never promotes a student to black belt just because they perfected the moves. All black belts need to register their hands with the police departments across the US as a lethal weapon. My instructor is from Korea … was instrumental in getting TKD into the Olympics in California for the first time. He was a black belt by the time he was 4 in his country. He does not believe in the sport as a money maker, he believes in the original concept of it as a spiritual way of life. He has his degrees in phys ed and taught in one of our colleges in our state. He will be the first one to tell you how greed has taken over the sport of martial arts. He along with others of the highest belts for teaching black belts in this country are trying to change how greed got the best of martial arts.
It was my honor to practice this spiritual art under this master and true gentleman. I never went the route of competition and I was never forced to do so.
Peace.
Steve, Great points. For 45 years of my life I trusted my good intuition. I need to again. Maybe I was a bit naive because I WAS married for 22 of those years and had not had exposure to dating. I AM angry that he took an innocence away from me that allowed me to be more trusting and not so leary or dismissing of people who simply turn me off at almost first glance. I HAVE been like that lately.
But you are right. He was too good to be true initially. I gave him the script and he read it just the way I wanted him to. I think I do need to trust that intuition and realizing now in all that has happened….. I can be more educated and more deliberate about who I surround myself with.
It’s not funny but it is now…. how he said so many odd things that I let roll off my back……the way he talked about his daughter’s friends hitting on him but he did it in a way that he seemed disgusted yet I think he was turned on by it now. He talked about how awful and disrespectful men were in general, but the first time he didn’t keep his word and disarmed and verbally abused me and was disrespectful….I allowed it. That was another one of those “character” issues that I was WAY too lenient with. The worst was how he referred to his adult daughters as his friends…… until his oldest called him constantly every time we were away together or out at night, telling him she didn’t like me OR telling him he didn’t deserve to have a family because he was repalcing her. On one occasion when we were all together she was physically all over him and I had never even seen her e like that with her fiance. THey were just some of the blatant red flags. When I wrote them down they filled several pages !!!! It was a constant game of control and manipulation that became all too bizarre. I got out and whetehr he was not good for me or is a sociopath, I guess it doesn’t matter. There is no logic to the behavior. His life will always be like that and apparently always was. Mine wasn’t, isn’t and hopefully will NEVER be again.
keeping_faith: It’s amazing how “THEY” all have the same thing in common, selfish greed. GREED doesn’t just focus on materialism or monetary … it’s greed for getting unwarranted promotions into positions they aren’t qualified for, sleeping with multiple partners, perversions of all kids, manipulation of all forms … all this including so many other forms they are disguised in is considered GREED also.
Peace.
Wini,
I was so blind to the GREED of it all. It wasn’t until I understood what had happened to me and I read about narcissism and sociopathy/psychopathy that I started to realize the motive for him was usually something very self serving. even his relationship with his daughters who he overinduled, was simply about “winning” over their mother, who constantly threatened that if he left her the kids would not give him the time of day.
When I found him with the former stripper 18 yrs younger, I struggled to understand why someone like that. She doesn’t even have a HS diploma, she has no job….. I have an advanced degree and a really good job. I have integrity and am an honest person. yet he would always accuse me of sleeping with men at work…… and strippers are known for their fidelity????? LOL….. It didn’t matter who the women were or what we stood for. There was no rhyme or reason. We were just there ! I understand the “why” of that part now. I stil struggle with why I allowed him to treat me so badly for so long. It was 2 yrs. His waife was with him for bout 25…..and I am certain there were many affairs, and lies and who knows what else??????
Steve, this is a great article…you are soooo right! It isn’t JUST the personality disordered (all forms) of it that we need to be on the look out for. There are lots of “dysfunctional” people in the world that are NOT GOOD FOR US.
The earlier posts about the person who is a continual “whining victim” is playing, according to Dr. Eric Berne in “Games People Play” a “game ” of YES, BUT… That game consists of “asking for advice” an interpersonal problem, and appearing to want advice. Then you give advice, and they end up by saying “Yes, but…that won’t work because…” then you offer another possible solution, and they “Yes But” that one too, and they “win” the game when you have run out of potential solutions and the last one you gave is “Yes Butted”
These people are NOT really wanting a solution, but to play a “game” that shows that there is NO SOLUTION to their victimization and YOU end up the “loser” because YOU can’t fix their problem.
The book “Games People Play” is a great little book to clue you in on how people play “games” to keep intimacy at bay. I highly recommend this book to clue you in to how people are interacting with you and to allow you to see what is “real” interaction and what is “game playing.”
If someone asks me for advice, I will give it to them, and if they say “Yes, well and good, BUT…” and then shoot down my suggestion, then I say, “Well, obviously, I dont’ know what advice to give you on this problem with Suzy, but I am sure you will come up with something.” Then, I don’t give ANY more suggestions, even though they ask again and agin. I just keep on shaking my head and saying “I just don’t know how to handle that one” and eventually if they are a game player they will move on to another person to play this game of “Yes, but”
I agree completely with spotting anyone with disrespectful treatment of you or others, or any kind of dysfunctional behavior and not becoming “intimate” friends with these people. Sometimes they are fellow workers, church members, etc. and there’s no way to totally avoid such people, but ONCE you spot this dysfunctional behavior and your RADAR goes off, then you are in a position to keep interactions on an “arm’s length” basis and not let them creep into your inner circle.
This is all, basicly, summing it up at the “bottom line” LEARNING TO SET APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES.
To some extent we have done that since we were in kindergarden. We tried to stay away from the kids that would hit us, steal our toys, and say unkind things to us.
As “adults” we try to “make allowances” for people “having a bad day,” but at the same time, there are SOME things that should raise a PERMANENT RED FLAG, like lies, histerical outbursts, game playing, rage, etc. i’m sure we can all add items to that list.
It isn’t about being “non-forgiving” of other’s human faults, it is about DELIBERATE BAD BEHAVIOR.
I hear people talk about criminal behavior such as “Johnny made a MISTAKE and robbed a liquor store and went to jail.”
NO!!!! Johnny did NOT MAKE A MISTAKE, Johnny DELIBERATELY did something he knew was WRONG. That was a CHOICE.
So I differentiate between “Mistakes” which I think are done accidently, like bouncing a check because you added 2 and 2 and got 5, and bouncing a check because you over drew $1.00, to writing a check for $1000 when you knew you only had $5 in your account. One is a “mistake” and one is a “choice” of a deliberate action.
People who make a deliberate choice to do BAD ACTS are out of my life. This includes liars, thiefs, and people who engage in criminal activity. I realize that SOME FEW people who go to prison for criminal activity reform, but the VAST MAJORITY don’t, and “the BEST indicator of future behavior is past behavior” so I will “play the odds” and avoid people with any criminal past history within my circle of “intimate” friendships.
Maybe this is “unfair” to those few people who do “reform” and become “saints” after a stint of criminal behavior, but for me, it is my choice, and I think a safer choice than associating in any way with anyone with a past criminal history.
I have learned to be “choosy” about who I associate with in an “intimate” relationship and to weed out my associations and friendships like I would pull weeds out of my garden or flower beds. Keeping any dysfunctional person at “arm’s length” is a good rule of thumb.