Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
keeping_faith: I know … it takes a while to get your mind wrapped around the likes of them … and to know it’s so rampant in our society.
Changes start from the top down … showing people that it’s quality of life that counts not quantity in life that has so many blinded and confused … it consumes their every waking hour!
Just be glad you didn’t get caught up in the GREED mind set.
Southernman said: “Forgiveness plays such a vital role in our healing”.I think we have two choices in life” we can be bitter about the wrongs in our life,…., will surely keep you from ever having joy, peace, or a healthy relationship with someone special, because you are toxic in your heart.. the bitterness has to go”..”
Well put. Immediately after my ex, I sometimes would find myself hoping he hooked up with a bigger badder P than him and “got his”. That passed and then I was in the “horrified” stage when I’d think of all the stuff that happened, and if I did for a minute feel a feeling of longing or wishing for him, I would feel guilty, like I must be out of my mind for ever having been with him to begin with through such crap, much less have any positive thoughts about him. I, in no way EVER want contact with the guy again, but with that said, I am now in the stage where if I do happen to think of him and have a positive feeling, it is ok.
Bottom line for me anyhow, is that yes I know he is evil, and yes I want him to stay out of my life permanently, but that doesn’t mean I have to act like the good times or the love I once had for him never existed, or that there was something wrong with me for ever having loved him. I made some bad choices and ignored alot of red flags, and I am scared to death of the man, but I don’t think the actual feeling of love was wrong and I actually still sometimes have feelings of warmth and love for him when I think of him. I know the love wasn’t real for him, but the love I once felt for him was very real for me, and he was actually “the love of my life”. So like I said, I don’t want any contact with him period and I think he is dangerous, and I feel sorry for his future victims, but I also know I still have feelings enough for him that I don’t want anything bad to happen to him either and I think it is ok to know I would feel upset if it did, in spite of his horrible character traits. I think finally getting to this point where I can just accept it all happened and accept it is ok for me to “feel” whatever I feel about him, but also realize I have to move on with my life and absolutely under no circumstances ever have any contact with him has helped me in moving forward in healing.
oxDrover, I think the whole idea of people reforming is rare to zero. I am not an expert but I do work with personality assessments and change management in organizational development. One thing for sure is that people don’t change. We can coach them to alter their behavior for periods of time (like in the workplace, or with particular employees or in particular situations) but what we DO know is that in times of stress, people revert to their “old way” or “preferred” way of doing things. It would seem to me that a S/P lives in constant disruption based on distorted thoughts and behaviors and poor motivations so they would seem least likely to change but VERY likely to fake it. Do they really have a “come to Jesus” or as you noted in one of your posts regarding their behavior for the purpose of parole boards……. they fae it for their own personal gain, as they have in many other situations.
Jen..
I feel much the same way as you do… I will always have a love for the person she portrayed in the beginning, but bottom line, she is crazy and unhealthy……. and it’s ok to have those feelings because they were real for us, not so with them….When you love someone, you are taking a risk.. a risk that they won’t hurt you.. you risk to be vulnerable, and in doing so, you give that other person power to hurt you… sometimes things work out in your favor, and the person is true and the love is there for both of you.. and then sometimes it doesn’t work out, and we feel hurt….this is the risk we take in love, the difference with the sociopathic relationships is that the whole things is based on lies on their part, and as if that isn’t cruel enough, then there is the textbook devaluation and disguard.
For a long time afterwards, I beat myself up about it all..(being fooled) but now, I have moved on from that and know that it happened the way it happened and I didn’t do anything wrong. Like you, I still have some warm memories of the nice things, although they leave behind a degree of saddness because I know now that there wasn’t any authenticity about them on her part… but for me.. my heart, my love and my feelings were true.. I don’t regret that part at all…..
I like to think that the part she played in my life took me to the next level in my growth as a man, and as a child of God. Ii’ll always hate that it was the way it was, but I can’t change that part… I love who I am now and I know myself better and I make better choices, and I will be smarter and move slower, be more cautious, but I will enjoy people and life and be open to new and exciting adventures…..
oxDrover, you will get a kick out of this……. I was just thinking about how the XS/P would call me when he was stalking and harrassing me and would say things like “I’ll pray for you to get better”. It used to enfuriate me.
And here’s a big red flag I let roll off my back. When we first started dating he would go to mass with me and on one occassion he told me that he feels”saved” by me. When I asked him to elaborate, he couldn’t. Of course I chalked it up to his abuse as a child, his torture while in special ops (which never occurred remember). WTF? Was that just all a pity ploy too……. In any event, it struck me how he suddenly became a religious man when he needed to pray for me because I would not play “the game ” any longer.
Dear Keeping faith,
Oh, yep!!! My P-son can quote scripture with the best of them FOR HIS OWN PURPOSE OF DECEIVING OTHERS with his piety. LOL
A minister friend of mine, actually I met him through the prisons where he is a volunteer. A lovely man who has this desire to see good in others, even like my son, but believe me I am EDUCATING this wonderful man to be more discriminating where it comes to the psychopaths. He has helped me spiritually, and I am educating him to psychopaths, unfortunately, this loving man has one for a father as well, so it is actually being very helpful to him as well.
After he read my P-son’s letters to the Trojan HOrse about the plot to do our family in, (I sent him copies) and when my P-son wrote to him, trying to get him to interveen between my P-son and our family (everyone had stopped writing him at that time and my mom wasn’t sending him money) he wrote in the letter how “UN-Christian we were being” for not giving him UN-conditional love” and so on. The minister sent me a copy of my son’s letter and the letter he wrote back to my P-son.
The Ps never stop, but sometimes they do try to recruit dupes to help them “re-hook” a victim that has gotten off the line. IN the past, this caring and loving man had been a dupe, but I doubt that he will be so easily duped again.
Their “I will pray for you” ploy sounds sooooo sincere. It is easy to see (once you know) what they are doing, but it is not always easy for others to see through their manuvers.
Many of the Ps use religion to cloke their real intentions and actions, and sometimes to get “forgiveness” when they are caught in some bad behavior—many religious people seem to think that “forgiveness” means re-trusting the people, and I personally do NOT think even true forgiveness has anything to do with TRUST. I personally think you can forgive someone (get the bitterness out of your own heart) without trusting that person at all in the future…even if they pretend to “repent” and be “sorry” for their past behavior. TRUST is earned, or should be, in my opinion.
I like the way James, Southernman and others have summed it all up. I won’t let bitterness against them ruin the rest of my life. Pain from their behaviiors has taken away too much of it already, I won’t voluntarily give them a club of bitterness to beat me with.
OXDrover, I have found myself “dwelling” on the issues and bad memories for far too long. I think I have forgiven him but I will NEVER forget. I too was duped but probably won’t be so quickly in the future. As Steve points out in this article:
“It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). ”
It is also very immobilizing and honestly, this site and having had the ability to post my story has heped in the healing and I’m not sure why.
One more thing. I don’t think I had mentioned this but the S/P and I were building a home together and luckily I ddn’t give him any money although he pressured me to put my house on the market often. THe shit hit the fan so to speak right before they broke ground. It’s a $600,000 home (paid for by family money and a law suit award, not his own money) and he has a man living there who was released a year ago from prison for almost beating a man to death in a bar fight. WHen I questioned him as to why, (already knowing this man is afraid to be alone and has to have a woman or a sidekick at all times), he said “he’s a really good guy and he just made a mistake.” To your post earlier….. BIG mistake. He made an adult decision and I know I wouldn’t want him in my neighborhood let alone my home. I sense this is the kind of company in which he feels comfortable/superior????
If you knew me at all and by no means am I an elitist or arrogant or snobish…..but, not the company I would keep.
I tell you this because based on the things you have written to me, I sense you can relate as other probably do. But HELL it took me forever trying to figure out what I did wrong and why I wasn’t good enough. Now I think what the hell was I thinking?????? I was so caught in the web !!!!
Dear KF,
Oh, I know what you mean about not being an elitist or a snob or arrogant, but I am like you, I like to be around people who are equal to or smarter/better than I am rather than around people who are of a criminal background etc.
My P-son and my P-bio-father like to be around people who are not bright, have a past history of bad choices, etc. I think it makes them feel so superior, and being around people who are their intellectual or educational peers or superiors is threatening to them, so they surround themselves with “human trash.” Then, the denigrate these people either to their faces or behind their backs.
Both my P son and my P-bio father are/were VERY smart, but that doesn’t mean squat unless you use it for something. My X-BF that was a P was quite bright, but he didn’t h ave much formal education, though he had self educated to quite a degree, but he felt “inferior” to people with educations and especially women. He tried to hang out with “successful” and educated people but if they knew something he didn’t, then he was upset and would think they were “talking down” to him, when that was not the case at all.
My late husband was very bright and was expert in several fields, he and I used to discuss things on many subjects, where either he or I were the “expert” on the subject, and we each learned from the other. He was not threatened by my smarts or education or vice versa. We had lively and annimated discussions on things, even things neither of us knew anything about but we would each research it and come back with a conclusion, and learn in the process.
I was fortunate that the physician I worked with as my consulting physician for 10 years and I had the same outlook on medical practices and we have each argued for something and then researched it and frequently gone into the other’s office and thrown down a book, open to an article, and said “SEE, I TOLD YOU SO!” But in the process we both learned, and sometimes one was right and sometimes the other, and sometimes we were both wrong. That’s what intellectual stimulation is all about….learning. But the Ps somehow see it as all a test of wills, a control issue, or about ALWAYS being “right.”
Well, if I had a nickle for every time I have been wrong, I’d be a rich person! LOL
I agree with you about the criminal, I am coming to the conclusion that there aren’t very many EX-criminals, or EX-convicts…there are a few, but they are as “rare as hen’s teeth” as my grandfather would have said. (Chickens don’t have teeth)
LOL ox Drover, Here is the subtlety of it all……. he would speak with such compassion for this poor man, hard on his luck…… in the meantime he has eight brothers and sisters and an ill father in the area. You would think someone else would take him in….. They are all probably secretly aying “thanks God” there has to be something in it for the S/P….. the x con is actually his former stripper girlfriend’s brother. So what he does, is when he fights with her and discards her as he does….. he basically befriend her family and turns them against her. SOUND FAMILIAR AYONE? And why not, look at what a great guy he is, helping the poor x con.
THe XS/P was smart/inelligent. He said he graduated from colege and that is one of the few things I did not verify. I don’t believe he did. I saw a resume of his and it was not on it. Nor was his military service. I guess he saves all that info for women. OMG.
I took him to a work function once….banking industry so needless to say I work mostly with men. I tried to make him feel comfortable, not knowing anyone there. I introduced him to everyone. He questioned how often I work with each man he met. He questioned who I have had lunch with. He asked who I had met after hours….by the end of the night he had me sleeping with all of them. SICK. If that happened to me now, I would ditch his ass so fast. NO MORE.
JEN2008- You sound like you know what you are doing and I think you do, from reading many of your posts. Maybe I will get there, but having any “loving” feelings towards my bad guy scares the hell out of me.
The book the Betrayal Bond says ” your whole emotional and intellectual stance toward that person must be different” The author points out that there is “always something kind, noble or redeeming about someone who has betrayed you. Victims of betrayal will hold to those good things even while the world crashes in around them”. I know that isn’t you anymore, but for me, I have to be careful STILL of slipping back.
He also says “you will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond. Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain. Being crazy will not make it better. No amount of therapy, long-term or short-term, will help wihtout confronting it. …….You must achkowledge, underand and come to terms with the relationship.”
For me, doing so meant there simply can be no loving feelings left. Revulsion…with a bit of pitty that scares me…is about the best I can come up with for a man I was once ready to sacrifice anything and everything for.