Lovefraud recently received an email from a woman in Israel. She says that she was involved with a man for almost two years, and had sexual relations with him. He promised that they would marry and have children. The guy seemed to have a wife, but he claimed it was a fake marriage to get a passport. Well, he was, in fact, married and leading a double life—a con man. The woman is trying to get him prosecuted for “rape by deception.”
Yes, Israeli law includes the concept that consensual sex based on a false premise is rape. Here’s the actual law:
RAPE
345. (a) If a person had intercourse with a woman —
- (1) without her freely given consent;
- (2) with the woman’s consent, which was obtained by deceit in respect of the identity of the person or the nature of the act;
- (3) when the woman is a minor below age 14, even with her consent;
- (4) by exploiting the woman’s state of unconsciousness or other condition that prevents her from giving her free consent;
- (5) by exploiting the fact that she is mentally ill or deficient, if — because of her illness or mental deficiency — her consent to intercourse did not constitute free consent.
then he committed rape and is liable to sixteen years imprisonment.
When I first heard of this law, I was amazed. A law like this actually exists? What a great idea! How many of us have been lured into sex through deception? My sociopathic ex-husband told me that he was a financially stable entrepreneur, a decorated war veteran and in love with me—none of which was true. I would be thrilled to have him prosecuted for his outrageous lies.
Israeli case
Only a few people have been prosecuted under the “rape by deception” provision in Israel. One case from last year was the subject of a lot of media hype. It turned out to be a very bad case, unlikely to gather support for a law that many of us would probably like to see enacted here.
A man by the name of Saber Kushour was convicted of rape by deception because he led a Jewish woman to believe that he was a Jewish bachelor, and they had consensual sex. In fact he was a married Palestinian with two children. The woman filed a complaint.
Here is what Tzvi Segal, one of three judges in the case, said:
“The court is obliged to protect the public interest from sophisticated, smooth-tongued criminals who can deceive innocent victims at an unbearable price — the sanctity of their bodies and souls. When the very basis of trust between human beings drops, especially when the matters at hand are so intimate, sensitive and fateful, the court is required to stand firmly at the side of the victims — actual and potential — to protect their wellbeing. Otherwise, they will be used, manipulated and misled, while paying only a tolerable and symbolic price.”
You can read about the story, and the verdict, in Arab guilty of rape after consensual sex with Jew on Guardian.co.uk.
As you would think by the above headline, the story touched off international criticism that the Israeli court was racist, and the law was a ploy to inhibit interracial dating.
Once details of the case were known, it got even messier. Apparently the woman, who was not named, approached Kushour as he walked out of a convenience store. Within 10 or 15 minutes of meeting, the two went to a nearby building and had sex.
The woman told police that she had been abused by her father since she was young and forced by him to become a sex worker. She also said that the sex wasn’t consensual; she was raped and left naked and bleeding.
Then it turned out that she had filed 14 previous rape complaints. The prosecution agreed to a plea bargain, reducing the sentence to “rape by deception,” supposedly to prevent a long cross-examination of the victim. My guess is that the prosecutors decided the woman wasn’t credible, and if they took the case to trial, they would lose. The prosecution took what it could get. But Kushour thought the sentence was too long—18 months— and he is appealing his conviction. Read:
Saber Kushour: ”˜My conviction for “rape by deception” has ruined my life’, on Guardian.co.uk.
Arab rape-by-deception charge ”˜was result of plea bargain’, on Guardian.co.uk.
Israeli Palestinian man to appeal rape-by-deception conviction, on CNN.com
Possible in the U.S.?
So, could there be such a law in the United States? Actually, a few states have similar laws—California, Tennessee, Alabama and Michigan. They’re called “rape by fraud” or “rape by coercion” laws.
Back in 1995, Nashville, Tennessee was all a-twitter about the case of the “Fantasy Man.” Raymond Mitchell III, a 45-year-old businessman, took to calling women late at night. In a sexy whisper, he persuaded them to unlock their doors, undress, put on a blindfold, and wait for him in bed. At least eight women thought he was their boyfriend and had sex with him.
Mitchell turned out to be a man with a double life. By day he was a churchgoer who spent time with his ailing mother and helped raise a fatherless nephew. By night he was the Fantasy Man. Mitchell was convicted and sentenced to 15 years in prison for rape by fraud and attempted rape by fraud. Read:
Three accuse ”˜Fantasy Man’ lover of rape on LATimes.com
Rape by fraud guilty verdict on NYDailyNews.com.
”˜Fantasy Man’ going to prison on News.Google.com.
In a similar case in Massachusetts, the perp was not convicted. A woman lived with her boyfriend in the basement of his father’s home. Her boyfriend’s brother also lived in the house. One night, while the woman slept and her boyfriend was at work, a man came into the room. It was dark, the woman thought her boyfriend had come home, they had sex—but it was the brother.
The brother was prosecuted for rape. But because Massachusetts law specifies that rape requires force, and the sex was consensual, the state supreme court ruled that no rape had been committed.
Read Does sex through fraud constitute rape? On Salon.com.
I have a feeling that we’re not going to see many rape by deception laws. Even if the laws were enacted, they wouldn’t be enforced. I mean, most prosecutors won’t go after people who commit bigamy, so they’re unlikely to go after people who are slick enough to talk themselves into other people’s pants.
Katy-I’m so sorry that all that happened to you-it makes what I went through so insignificant. I was a survivor of “normal rape” too and it does only happened once, but I buried it for so long. I don’t know if I really experienced rape by deception. It’s kinda like that I guess. I am really trying at this point not to analyze to much about that relationship anymore since it’s over.
Katy, when I was in gradeschool and someone said something nasty to me, the response was SUPPOSED TO BE “consider the source.” Well, I think we must really do that and CONSIDER THE SOURCE of who is saying these nasty things. We have to realize like Skylar said, these people are “metaphorical suicide bombers” and truly realize that NOTHING THEY SAY IS VALID. NOTHING!!!!! NOT ONE WORD!!!!
Remember the story of the UGLY DUCKLING?
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/05/21/the-lovefraud-version-of-the-ugly-duckling/
Those “ducks” made fun of the baby swan because he was different. We cannot, MUST NOT, allow others to ASSIGN A VALUE (or lack of it) to ourselves! We must validate ourselves! ((hugs)))
You’all’s kindness and assurances are much appreciated. I have grown up since a lot of that was done to me. Very proud of the strides I have made. But it does strike me that the events in my life, (and maybe others see it this way too) weren’t as terrible as what came after, the invalidation, the blame, the humiliation, and our response to avoid others piling onto the abuse that was done to us.
Hans Christian Andersen was my favorite childhood author. I used to think we were linked b/c like me he was danish and we shared the same birthday. Ugly duckling was a place of hope for me, did not grow to be a swan but saw a blurb on tv that was so true… whoever (eventually) connects with me will not do it for what I look like on the outside but for the incredible person I am on the inside. I think that fits all us love fraud members so perfectly. I think we come off as extraordinary people and certainly that is why we got targeted by predators.
I think part of the reason this law wouldn’t do well in the States is because over the years, the “sanctity” of our “bodies and souls” has been corroded as a concept by pop culture. Most people don’t seem to think sex is intimate or that sharing our bodies with another person is a notable occasion in our lives. Sex is just a marketable commodity in the mainstream culture of America these days. Look at all these celebrities with their sex tapes and music videos about orgies! How could we ever get this kind of culture to then place a value on our bodies SO HIGH that even the government can and should have a right to intervene if our valuables are exploited….because first we’d have to convince people that these things are VALUABLE in the first place. We’ve got former Presidents getting extra-marital blow jobs in the White House, priests raping children, and Paris Hilton running around in miniskirts as an encore to her shameless sex tape scandal. In fact, the media seems to suggest that money and power should be flaunted to acquire the commodity of sex. Rappers are singing about how they make Benjamins and now they get a bunch of hoes.
Yeah, try to convince this group of people that intimacy has value…..
I don’t know what else to do when I am struck by grief. Today is my spath’s birthday. I understand he is a really bad, evil man. But I am still stuck with overwhelming, actually painful grief, that this is true.
I don’t know what else to do when it overwhelms me like this except to come here, to this safe place, and write about it.
I used to run to him, call him, go see him, to try to fix things and make them better. I recognize that strategy will never work.
But the pain is the same.
Dear Superkid,
You lost something when you lost him—you lost your FANTASY belief that he was something wonderful. It is like you found out that there IS NO SANTA CLAUS, and not only that, but that “Santa” is an EVIL ELF, not the kind, giving loving person he had been pictured as.
Grief over a LOSS, even the loss of something that was NOT REAL is still REAL. The Grief is REAL, the pain is real, but it WILL PASS….I promise you it WILL PASS. You will eventually reach that nirvana of INDIFFERENCE. I thought it would never subside when I “lost” my wonderful son, and my “loving” egg donor, or my truly loving husband, but the GRIEF does PASS. I can think about my P son and my egg donor and I do NOT feel the PAINFUL PART OF THE GRIEF, but the calm ACCEPTANCE of accepting what is REAL, that they were NOT real in the sense that “they loved me” and I CAN feel the acceptance of the reality of my husband’s love, but without the PAIN of that loss. I can now remember the good times we had with joy and peace.
So your GRIEF is REAL, but it is not all PAIN, SADNESS, etc. but can be eventually, in the case of the FANTASY relationships, the nirvana of indifference to them. In the case of those good relationships that we lost, they can be in joyful remembering.
I”m glad you came here. Time does heal wounds, and wounds heels. (((hugs)))
Oxy thank you. It’s taken me quite a long time to accept it intellectually. Now I’m working on it emotionally.
Superkid, I really understand where you’re coming from. I still have these moments that I call “logic” or “concept” relapse where I temporarily forget what he really is. Just today, I was missing my kitty so much, and even though I know he did something to take the cat away from me, for a split second I actually thought, “I should just call him and ask him to give me cat back.” Oh, come ON! Duh!
Like you said, intellectually it takes a long time to sink in…but emotionally it’s an actual WAR ZONE because it hurts to dang much.
When you get caught up in thinking these dramatic things about his birthday…ask yourself if you care that much about YOUR OWN birthday.
There is a lyric in a Jewel song where she says: Loving someone else is so much easier….
OXY: I am sooooo waiting with open arms for the nirvana of INDIFFERENCE. Patiently waiting, but oh so anticipating that beautiful moment when I just don’t freaking give a damn anymore. You are so right, though, that we do LOSE a person, even if that person was never there, because our REALITY had been that this person was in our lives all this time. I feel like I “lost” the “love of my life” and to add to it, now I’ve got to face that I was also brutally betrayed by the “love of my life” and there is just no way to even conceptualize this at first. It’s so completely overwhelming. It’s like attending the funeral of your loved one, standing there in the black dress, and knowing at the same time that the coffin is EMPTY! Talk about an emotional and mental head trip!
Oh, and then trying to explain this to other people.
Passerby/Friends/Family: “So, whose funeral is this?”
Us: “Well, nobody’s. I mean, someone I loved very deeply. Except they didn’t exist, so the coffin is empty.”
Passerby/Friends/Family: “You don’t make any sense. Are you on something?”
Us: “Yeah, I figured you’d say that…”
Katydid, I surely identify with you!!! I went through something similar and it was a huge, huge wounding. It hurt horribly. And, yes in deed, it was the ultimate head f***.
It still leaves my head spinning because I still don’t know what really happened…even 23 years later.
But, the good news is: we are survivors and we are good people! We aren’t cruel and hateful and ugly. We aren’t home-wreckers or decievers. We still have our spirits intact!! And, I do believe in karma, and that big ol’ wheel just keeps turnin”