We’ve all heard that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, expecting a different result. Well, maybe we’re not totally crazy. One reason why we keep getting stuck and doing the same thing is because we all have set points — internal settings for mental, emotional and biological states, and our natural predisposition is to keep returning to these baselines. But it’s possible to change our set points and therefore change our lives. EFT Tapping can help.
For example, I’ve spoken to many survivors of sociopaths (narcissists, psychopaths) who know on an intellectual level, without a doubt, that a certain individual is bad for them. Still, they feel drawn to the person and can’t break away. And then when they get rid of one bad actor, they get involved with another one just like the last one.
Why does this happen?
As part of my training in Clinical EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), I learned about set points — what they are and how they affect us. Dawson Church, author of multiple scientific papers on EFT Tapping, wrote about them in a book called Coaching Psychology. Set points explain many of the difficulties survivors of sociopathic manipulation experience.
What is a set point?
According to neuropsychologist Richard J. Davidson, a set point is, “a predisposition to feel a certain way and a baseline to which we quickly return.” This is not a conscious choice and set points are often determined early in life. Once established, set points are deeply engrained in us —neurologically, emotionally and biologically.
We have emotional set points for how we normally feel — how happy, how fearful, how quickly we get angry. We have hormonal set points that govern our weight. Babies born to stressed mothers have a high tolerance for cortisol, the stress hormone. That’s a set point.
A set point is our default position — especially when we are under pressure. When we’re stressed, we do what we always do — whether it’s a good idea in a particular situation or not.
Repetition and the brain
Where do set points come from? Our experiences in life.
Our brains are not set in stone — they change in response to our experiences. Church explains that anything we repeat builds up our brain capacity for that emotion or behavior. This is called neurogenesis, and it happens quickly.
Eric Kandel, M.D., won the Nobel Prize in 2000 for demonstrating that within just one hour of repeated stimulation, the number of connections in a neural bundle associated with the behavior can double. The more connections, the more ingrained the behavior becomes.
The opposite also happens. When we don’t practice a skill, behavior or emotion, the neural pathway associated with it shrinks.
This explains why we can learn something new, like speaking a foreign language or playing golf. But when we don’t keep at it, our language or golf skills fade.
Stuck in old patterns
Set points keep us stuck in old patterns. We may have learned survival strategies as a young child that we continue using as adults, even though they no longer serve us.
For example, suppose as a child, your parents’ love was inconsistent. Sometimes they were good to you, other times they ignored you, and you didn’t know why.
Eventually you figured out that if you did things for them, helped them, even anticipated what they wanted, they gave you scraps of attention. So you became mother’s little helper, always rushing to do whatever your parents wanted, and never asking for anything for yourself.
You believed that the only way for you to get love was to help people. This became a set point. As an adult, you find yourself acting as a people pleaser — always doing for others and ignoring your own needs.
Cheating boyfriends
In his Coaching Psychology book, Dawson Church provided another example that could have come directly from the Lovefraud case files. He described Janice, who had a successful professional career but kept picking losers in her love life.
Janice was dating a handsome man named Paul. They were talking about getting engaged. He borrowed money from her. He didn’t pay her back. Then Janice discovered Paul was cheating on her and the relationship ended in tears. Church wrote that many of her previous relationships ended in similar betrayals.
Then Janice started dating Timothy, who was the opposite of Paul. He was focused, solvent, articulate and kind. But Janice soon broke up with Timothy, complaining that there was no “chemistry.”
Her next boyfriend had plenty of chemistry. But he, too, borrowed money from Janice and cheated on her. She found chemistry, but not reliable love.
Chemistry
This “chemistry” that Janice sought reflected her set points, and I can take an educated guess as to what they were:
- Set point for high levels of cortisol — she associated tension and drama with love
- Set point for high cooperation — a compulsion to do for others so that they would love her.
- Set point for instability — a belief that love was a rollercoaster of highs and lows
Dawson Church explains this further:
“If you read online matchmaking sites, you will discover that one of the top criteria that members are looking for in a mate is ‘chemistry,’” he wrote.
“Unwittingly, they’re right. They’re looking for a partner who will be a neurological and hormonal match for their unconscious set points. If they have a high set point for cortisol, they seek partners whose chaotic behavior will provide them with the hormonal fix they are accustomed to. The Timothys of this world fail to provide them with the necessary internal drugs, so those nurturing relationships feel flat and boring to the cortisol addict.”
Set points and EFT Tapping
Set points aren’t character flaws, they are neurological and hormonal patterns that you have developed over time. So, if you’ve been struggling to change behavior or emotional responses, cut yourself some slack. You don’t need to feel ashamed or self-critical. You’re dealing with internal set points — and set points can be changed.
How? Pay attention to your triggers. What sets you off? When do you engage in behavior that you want to change? What emotions are underlying the behaviors? Once you identify your triggers, consciously choose different responses.
For example, if you typically respond to any annoyance with anger, practice staying calm. Yes, it may be difficult at first but stick with it. When you keep choosing measured responses, the neural paths in your brain associated with calmness grow, and the paths associated with anger shrivel up and disintegrate. Eventually you experience more calm and less anger.
Ending the relationship drama
EFT Tapping can help you change. With EFT Tapping, we peel apart and release the myriad emotions associated with the set points that cause you problems.
Suppose you feel stuck because you keep getting romantically involved with sociopaths. You’re tired of betrayal and you want to get unstuck.
Here are 7 ways I can use EFT Tapping to help you:
- Relieving the emotional pain, anger and sadness of your most recent betrayal
- Relieving the pain, anger and sadness of previous betrayals
- Removing the emotional charge from specific memories of betrayal
- Addressing any anger or shame toward yourself — why do you keep doing this?
- Discovering your first romantic betrayal — what happened?
- Revealing old survival strategies that no longer serve you — like being a people pleaser
- Releasing deep childhood wounds that make you vulnerable to manipulation
Yes, unraveling old set points that keep you stuck is a process, but it can be done. EFT Tapping removes the emotional charge from the experiences of your past that helped create the set points. When you do that, you can make different choices and change your life.
