Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
Has anyone read The Sociopath Next Door. I found it fascinating and chillingly true after leaving a twenty two year marriage with a sociopath!!!
I would add another:- if other women are jealous of your relationship with him, he has probably already put out feelers toward them (he must be hunting new conquests at all times). Also, despite other women thinking he is “just wonderful” (and possibly trying to win him from you), he has a string of “unsuccessful” relationships behind him.
I apppreciate the article but I feel that it is written as if all sociopaths are men. I was married to a woman who only wanted me for financial support and I recognize many of the sociopathic tendancies in her.
A big red flag is that sociopaths make their victims feel so special. They can be very intense early on, saying the most wonderful things. “You’re the one I’ve been looking for, You’re so smart, You’re the most beautiful woman in the whole world, I’ve never felt so physically attracted to anyone, I’ve learned so much from you, Let’s have a baby, I want to marry you”, I’ll never leave you, You’re my forever….”
The whole ego stroking thing, and it gets to you if you’re at all feeling vulnerable or lonely in any way. It feels great to have someone be so attentive and loving, but it’s all part of the scam.
I think if we’re in a place that is solid with healthy self-esteem, and a willingness to listen to that inner voice that’s saying whoa, read between the lines, then we’re much less likely to get trapped in their webs. Let them move onto someone else, they always will.
I just discovered my “perfect for me” boyfriend is I believe a sociopath. I caught him cheating, posted him on a “cheater” website, then mysteriously hundreds of fliers showed up on telephone poles all around the hospital where he works. His new victim saw the fliers and dropped him like a hot potato. In the following weeks, he lied to the police (making me look like a stalker type) he lied to our employer (partially responsible for getting me fired-they also wern’t happy about the fliers) then he lied in an addendum and got a restraining order against me. I wen’t to court to try to get it terminated- silly me I thought the fact that he lied would mean something. so I go in there pointing out all the lies- the judge says to me “you sound like your still mad” I said “I’m mad that he lied” the judge turned to him & said “I’m upholding the order”. The man played me for 18 months. Flattery is a huge red flag!! ie…text message every morning saying “good morning beautiful”. Mine was not at all jealous, but he enjoyed making me that way!! he had a ton of ex-girlfriends (red flag) SO MANY RED FLAGS THAT ARE SO CLEAR NOW. It has only been 2 months for me, so I’m still absorbing what just happened. I find myself wondering just how bad it was: How many women? Was he cruisin’ the internet? I think he may be bi-sexual I wonder if true? Did he ever even care about me? The truth is I probably don’t even want to know the answers to those questions- It’ll just hurt more!!! I still find myself missing him, but then remind myself the man I loved- NEVER REALLY EXISTED!! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust a man again! This is so unbelievable!! In my case: yes everyone thought he was such a nice guy, but all our coworkers saw what he did to me, also exposing him on the website- Atleast he has been exposed!!!! And women have been warned!!! But I’m an absolute mess!!!
I forgot to mention the fliers directed people to “check him out” on that website. Also now if you ‘google’ his name it directs you to the website, too. I do feel good that I’ve exposed this guy. I just hope everything will be okay!!
I can’t believe I fell for him. I feel really embarrassed and foolish now. My boyfriend and I went back to university in out thirties. We were both studying engineering but he was one year ahead of me. We spent all our time studying. My boyfriend was very stressed, making it a very difficult time. I felt quite lonely at the university as I was older than most students and one of a handful our girls in my class. That is when I met someone that I now believe is a sociopath. He was intelligent, charming, slightly nerdish and engaged! He knew a friend of mine in class and we all decided to study at his house. I met his fiance. He seemed like such a nice guy and fun to be with. From the first time we were alone together…he seemed far too interested in me since he was engaged. We started chatting online and studying alone together. He would go out of his way to pick me up or drop me off after class. He seemed to find things about my boyfriend that bothered me and emphasized them. I even realized he was doing this. But it didn’t matter by this time. He would flirt with me in class, brush against my arm. He listened to me talk about my relationship and our problems. He pretty much told me he loved me (not directly but definetly implied). He told me he was attracted to me, and didn’t know how to handle it. I was flattered. We studied alone late at night at his house. One night while studying he touched my hair, and rubbed my neck and arms. It was like he knew exactly what I would like and no pressure to take it further. I felt guilty after this, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I told him I felt like a cheater and that this isn’t right. All the while we kept chatting, studying and spending time together. I even spent time with him and his fiance. But after I put a halt to things physically….I think things started to change. We spent less time togehter. The next year when I returned to University, I was there alone, as my boyfriend had graduated. When I met up with him he seemed very distant. I felt like he was trying to hurt me. He sat with other friends instead of me. I thought this was probably the best thing to do, since we were both in relationships, but it really hurt. From here, I felt like he was playing games. Suddenly he didn’t like the coffee shop we used to go to everyday. He never gave me rides home anymore, but would offer our other friends a ride. Basically just weird things like this. Like I knew he was playing mind games with me just to hurt me, especially now that I was there alone. My friend said he did something similar with her, but she cut it off right away.
I later recalled a conversation I had with him. He told me I reminded him of a girl he knew years ago. He could tell that this girl liked him, but that he never really liked her that way. I guess in the end the girl was hurt by him, and he told me he never wanted to do this again. At the time I was wondering why he was telling me this…I can now see this was a warning. He also talked about having sociopathic tendencies etc, but I didn’t really know what he meant. Oh, but I know far too well now. I think he made me fall for him, and then he purposelly tried to hurt me. He did a good job. My relationship with my boyfriend was at an all time low, we nearly ended it. I managed to walk away though and my relationship is now better than ever. I still email him occassionally, always wanting to believe the fantasy, but knowing it is not reality. I should probably cut it off, but somehow I can’t even after all this. The power of the seductive sociopath. Some other things about him that make me believe he is a sociopath is that he drank heavily, smoked, relied on his fiance to pay his bills while he was a student. He also found ways to get me to pay for small items, like it was a game or something.
I’m hoping posting a comment to this article will bring this article back up on the current topic list! This is a great red flag list. Others are a bit abstract and wouldn’t “click” with someone who has only recently met their sociopath.
My sociopath scored 20 / 26, a couple of weeks into our relationship.
Eileen,
Thanks for posting here – yes, this is a very very important list. Being a naturally trusting, optimistic, and open minded person, I tried to find rational explanations for many of these traits when I encountered them early in a 2 1/2 year relationship. And that only left me open for more abuse as the relationship wore on. I will definitely keep this list in my journal, and write it on the back of my hand to refer to, if I ever get up enough nerve to go out on a date again.
Happy 2010!
Yes, the constant being around you, and sticking to you like glue.. this is what mine did.. and I felt suffacated… and the constant comliments.. and calling and testing all the time.. I would shut my phone off.. red flag ! red flag! And I didn’t adhere to it… but I felt it in my gut.