Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
Good night Picasso~
I’ve had the chance to indulge in some old Alfred Hitchcock films during this holiday break off from working. Hitchcock was not only humorous in his own way, he was a genius in exploring the Shadow side of humanity. He did it in subtle ways, through everyday life stories. He rarely used graphic blood and gore scenarios that are so common in horror movies these days.
Yet, I recall recoiling or feeling repulsed by something in the apparently un-named evil characters depicted by Hitchcock. I was a teen in Chicago in the mid-1970s when I originally became immersed in “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” 1/2-hr. and 1-hr. story segments — as an escape perhaps? LOL.
Now as a 47 y/o woman and knowing what I’ve learned about N/S disordered personalities, it is just fascinating to see the depth of Hitchcock’s understanding and ability to explore nuances of the characteristics of sociopaths and narcissists, both men and women.
There is one episode about a man determined to expose those he deemed evil, using a power to turn them into gnomes (under 4 feet) at the strike of the clock — and lo and behold, the man himself shrunk as his parrot shrieked in the background. Remind anyone of the sociopaths who are quick to claim everybody else except themselves as evil.
Another episode involved an actor who seduced a married executive woman, using her to help his career. He convinced her to kill her husband so they could have a life together. The actor then called the police on this woman, leaving her to take the fall, and his scheme included his other woman in the background all while he was love-bombing the executive woman who lost her high-paying job and freedom in the end.
Sound familiar? Just amazing.
I used to enjoy Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels and psychological thriller movies….now I find they just feed the PTSD. I’ve tried to focus my readings on things that will strengthen my spirit. But I do miss getting lost in a good thriller…
Wow…banana…I am sooo sorry. The fact that these people can put our lives at danger and not care is unbelievable to me. Hopefully your doctor caught it early enough and like you said, the treatment will get rid of it. Hell holds a special place for your ex S/P. I hope that this doesn’t ruin your new year. Please take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to start this new year healthy, strong and S/P free. Hugs.
OH NO!!! Banana!!!!
I too am so sorry and it is so strange you just brought this up …as i too am now faced with a dr appt next week. Just because now that I know he was sleeping with others this whole time I have called my dr and asked to be tested!!!! so embarrassing but ive got to make sure..id rather deal with it now while im getting all of this outa the way than to find out when something comes up. UGH!@.......!!!!!!%$#%%$#!
Funny this should be mentioned…I often thought that ‘strange’ things would go on “down there” after sex with my ex, as I hadnt experienced any ‘strangeness’ any other time…EVER…
This has me thinking
Id like to comment on some of the ‘red flags’ that were posted as well..
1.He would call/text me about 20 times a day. If I was away from my phone, or working, and didnt answer, his typical schpeel was “baby, where were, you? Why didn’t you tell me you were,…,” and then have an attitude. When we finally hashed it out he would NOTORIOUSLY say, “do you see why Im mad about this?” NOOOO…I never saw why he was mad…I do have to work and sometimes I dont have my phone right next to me!
2. We had NO social live with any of his ‘frineds’ (because he had none that I knew of) or family. We NEVER hung out by his house (or should I say his parents house)…it was always me.
3. He had this “look” he’d give me if I was wearing something he either thought was too racy for where we were going or if he thought it wasn’t ‘sexy’ enough…that look I could choke him with. It was half disgust, half attitude…god, I hated that look!
5. I had NO business (according to him) having male friends…even though they had been my friends from first grade…
15. Enough said…he lied incessantly!
16, My most famous line while dating him was “WHO DOES THIS?”…talking about the stupid shit he does.
17. Specifically, I have a great example for this number–He took FULL advantage of my working in the gym by walking into the gym, not paying for a day pass, and acting like it was ok. I asked him once (after this had been goin on for about 3 months) how much they charge for a walk in fee. His response “what? I dont pay…I walk right past the front desk. It’s not my fault they dont charge me”. ITS MY PLACE OF WORK!!!
I went for the full spectrum of tests, but I have yet to get to the lab for my HIV test. gulp.
Between court dates, my toddlers shots, check-up, colds, and infections, as well as my own Dr. appointments. I am quickly running out of sick time at work.
Red Flags:
Mine often called a lot too and was upset if I didn’t call while at a firends and was running late that HE expected.
Looking back this was a red flag that he was out on the prowl and didn’t want me arriving home before him and/or wanted to know ahead of time whether I’d be running late so that he could spend more time with and OW.
I also think there was some sort of guilty conscience at work; “If I am cheating, she could be cheating right now also.” This explains the frequent calls when I was out of town and the lectures for going to clubs with my brother.
It pisses me off that he had the nerve to anoy the hell out of me; accusing me of doing things I’d never even think of doing, and meanwhile enjoying himself, to what I would imagine: the fullest!
Banana:
Ya know, I never even considered my ex to be cheating. One day, after working his second job at a restaurant, he told me he was going to the gym. That was fine. He called before he got there, and after which was common. That weekend, he was at my house and wouldnt it just be that I ‘thought’ something was strange…here we go-INTUITION! I checked his phone (which I NEVER did until then), and wouldnt you know it…a text…from someone asking if he ‘still wanted to go to the gym and swim”. This was strange…he didnt swim at the gym…and it was sent that night we talked after work.
I put two and two together and confronted him about it. Sure as holy hell, he had ‘met up’ with a female ‘co-worker’ who ‘wanted a pass to the gym to swim’. SHE WAS 18!!!
I asked why he didnt tell me, as WE WERE ON THE PHONE AS HE WAS IN THE PARKING LOT waiting for her. His answer? “It isn’t what it looked like. She’s 18. I knew you’d be mad if I told you. I WASNT PLANNING ON GETTING CAUGHT”…fucking bastard.
If I was to even MENTION another guy I had been ‘disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate of his feelings”…not to mention if I told him about past relatinships…
And I wonder, why didn’t he EVER divulge any iformation about his past relationships? Not even the one with his childs mother….the child that he acknowledges at least.