Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
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robxsykobabe says:
EXACTLY…HE has NO friend either i know this….cuz i was with him and he HATED all my friends…i had to go into my own closet in my own home…to talk to a freaking GIRLFRIEND …i didnt see my daughters for almost amonth and half…and i see them several times a week ….even more now!!! CRAZYQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
i just keep gettin on here and my girlfriends are being so strong for me …cuz sumtimes i just cant be…and i keep wondering what he is doing and did the other woman take him back …and it just hurts and i just cant believe that i even waste my energy with it…but like my friend told me on the phone jus tnow …it isnt HIM that i am misssing it is the promise and hope of something i thought was there…it was a lie…and i can get back on track for awhile knowing i dont really see nor want him in my life when i see my future…but it is the words of this man that kept me in love with him for almost 5 years and it is going to take time to deprogram myself from this man and i understand …i just wish it were so much easier…this is the most cruel breakup ever for me and i mean even my almost 18 yr marriage doesnt nor ever hurt this way….it is hard but i have to keep movin and stay bz with my friends family and business..
we feel sick not because of what they may be doing…becuz we already know they do what they do…but we feeel the loss of what we thought was there…and that brings up the anxiety …we are the winners here…not the one picking them up or buying their dinner or letting them move in…because those people are in for a horrible life if they arent as lucky as us and see what we see.
its not selfish…its just human as you and i are…they are not as we are…and we still are one step ahead of them….because we will be ok and we will find real love and we will move away from their bs….
you and i and everyone else here is getting one step ahead of the rest of them and WE MUST continue to write …express …vent …bitch ….piss …moan and cry here …it is our calling now …i never wanted to ever be here..but i am ..and you are and we have to keep staying focused…
Write anytime ..i am on here like an addict in AA…cuz i just get so much strength…
i must add one more RED FLAG…
my ex during sex would actually choke me and i had never experienced that before and i recall the next day telling him…do you hate women…which infact he HATES HIS mother…wow…just thought of this…i am 42 yrs old and i had never had a man do this to me…and im not kidding he wanted to do things sexually that i never ever had asked of me before..and i even remember thinking …this doeesnt fit the personality of the person i thought i was knowing..and phone sex…id never done that with anyone before but he was so into that even before we EVER became intimate..and apparently was doing the same to the new woman…ugh..im sick
No you’re not sick Fahrahri – HE IS SICK! They can manipulate us into doing absolutely anything with their behaviour and moods. The Pex I was involved with started to get very rough in bed shortly before the end – control was the main purpose of this. I think he also hates his mother and all women – he professes to love her but can go months and months without contacting her. He also professed to love me – words mean nothing from him. He is a lie – all lies.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days… thinking back on my life.. and choices and why.. and even though I am independant and aware.. My bad choices in men were because I gave them the benefit of the doubt above myself.. That they ‘somehow’ knew more, have more of an ability to get things done or something.. just because that they are men…
I gave a bit of my destiny over to them and they always failed me.. now not totally as I learned fast to watch these guys … to know that they aren’t what they might appear or what they are selling..
But the concept of ‘true love’ that both care for the other is so compelling that I bought into it.. when I was the true one the caring one.. I think it’s that way with most women .. and that is how the men ‘get’ us..’hook’ us.. into pleasing them…
My ex in one of our last arguements told me that “Women center their life around a man.”
So his MO was always to get me hooked into his dream so that I am centering my life around him and his dysfunctional family… His MO.. that I lose myself in him and his .. until they don’t need me any longer… I never totally did that.. and that is why that on the night that I made a statement that riled his daughter into a fit.. He commented to me. “It was going perfect until ‘you’ ruined it…”
What I was doing was expressing myself.. I am not a part of these people. I didn’t raise this girl or cause her deep seated emotional issues.. yet..I was expected and supposed to be and do whatever these people needed to fit in.. or I was kicked out…
I didn’t want to fit into their dysfunction… I didn’t fit, never did and never would… Iwould have to go deaf, blind and deny me to do so.. and that is what these people want..
whether it is with sex, money, prestige, contacts.. family or whatever.. they want what you have to try and make themselves whole.. they are like birds picking at you..
It is the holes in ourselves that allow them to attach to us in this way..
Whatever hole that we percieve that we have that needs to be filled.. they enter us this way and they hook us then we hate them when they aren’t what we thought that they were.
Well, it is up to us to see who that they are..
It’s like a used car salesman.. they know what they are doing..
My heart it pure and I have no hidden agenda..
so it always shocked me when I realized what was really what with these people..
I am learning more and more to look with clear vision and with my gut… to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt but give it to myself..
They are energy suckers.. they suck your energy.. and if you feel drained ot exhasted around someone .. get away…
I noticed early on with my last one.. I felt tired around him.. I felt vaguely ill… just not quite myself…
On night early on .. we ate at this Oriental restaurant they he said he and his mother loved.. and I threw up all night that night.. I was so sick.. so.. sick.. and it was more than the food..
Everything that he was putting onto me.. I was rejecting… but because he was handsome and charming I gave him the benefit of the doubt..
Now, I am so aware.. and cautious… that it will take probably until never until I can trust a man… I trust myself.. and I don’t want some loser to infiltrate my life and tell me what to do and how that I ‘should’ be…
People like the P’s don’t like confident women.. they either try to tear them down, manipuated them or run away from them.. because a person that is really confident will not let someone prey on them.
I recall on our third date.. I was taking art to my new house prepping for the movers coming the following day and this guy was helping me.. but would not leave.. I wanted him to leave.. I gave hints.. I did everthing that I knew to do and he was still hanging around me.. finally, we were getting something to eat.. and I had moment of clarity.. he was sitting across from me discouraged.. he couldn’t ‘get’ … me..
Had I held to that moment, what I felt and that realization.. I would’ve never gone out with this predator again..
And I had another male friend help me during the actual move..
then later that night ..I was in my house just out of the shower, enjoying the time in my house and tired after the move. And the phone rings and it’s him. I did get off the phone but I should’ve not even answered.. as he interrupted my life.. my peace.. and that is what he did the whole year that we were together.. And I felt it..knew it in the beginning.. but because I was distracted with my house etc.. he badgered his way in.. that next day he came over and ws with me the whole time.. being so helpful… doing any and everything that I needed.. ingratiatiing himself into my life..
So this year.. I miss him at times, when while he was here last year..I really didn’t want him here..
I only miss having a companion.. I don’t miss him.. I miss the dream.. not him…
So I am my own companion.. and I am at peace.. I have had the ache of being alone…
but last night I slept on the side of the bed where he slept.. and at times, I sleep in the middle…
This is my house, my life, my day, my night, my LIFE! I decided who enters it.. and if my gut reacts negativley.. I am gone.. God gave me these instincts…
I only attract people and that what is positive to me…
I fill my own holes…
Predators.. ‘get’ us when we give them or authority..
we are looking to them as some authority in our lives.. they come in with let me help.. let me love, let me get in there.. then when they do.. they use use use.. manipulate and control…
Real love is anything, but that.. Real love, caring and friendship are about RESPECT…
Love is about RESPECT..
and a predator does not know what respect is..therefore.. they have no idea what love is or feels like.. that is why and how that they can ‘contrive’ it so well…
they are users.. to them ‘love’ and you are objects for them to use up.. to control, manipulate for their purposes….
Fahrahri and Pollyanna…
In my realizations.. reached from all my thinking..
NO ONE CAN MANIPULATE YOU unless you allow it…
you can be sucked in.. but once you see it and you don’t address it.. get away.. end it.. then you are allowing it…
Mine once commented to a guy friend of mine that was having relationship issues with a user..
“If you allow her to do this then it becomes your fault…”
so clearly.. ‘they’ think .. if they can get away with it.. then it is your fault…
Man, I am getting this big time.. and if you call them on it and they leave .. then GOOD RIDDANCE…
My ex would say.. there are no victims only volunteers, like we volunteered for someone to use and abuse us, take what love , and money, and care and little compassion we had left for them… I no longer volunteer for being taken by a sociopath and yes I have proof years of letters , years of abuse and manipulation via letters, sucked in at an early age and then pregnant to keep the connection going… I left when I got pregnant and should have never looked back but they suck you in, then they have their families suck you into it, Oh you have a child together you will always be connected.
I can understand your anger towards him but it was the risk you were willing to take and now …. now what … I am living my life with out the manipulative bunch of you in it ! that is what……
I don’t want to offend.. but think about this.. it takes two to get pregnant..
I chose to NOT have children when I realized what I was dealing with..
That is why I don’t want a man and his problems and dysfunction in my life from kids and exs….
It is your choice who you let into your life… and your choice what you do…
we become a victim when we give our power over to them…
I losing my anger and focusing on me and my life.. what I want.. and forgetting about him..
he isn’t thinking about me.. he off to try and ‘create’ his next victim…
It is really ringing true in the new year…. you ‘teach’ someone how to treat you….
Fill up your own holes…
Style1…No offense taken, as you said you choose not to have children. That was your choice…
I left when I got pregnant and then got suckered back in…not knowing then what I do know now. I wanted my child it was not a way to hold onto the relationship and it does take two to get pregnant but people can also be manipulated by the Spath , he got me pregnant to hold onto me not the other way around. Its another form of power and control and yes he did in fact tell me this when I got pregnant at 26 that he was going to get me pregnant… he also used the date rape drug he gave me on me so …. how does that fit into taking two people to get pregnant??? he deliberately got me pregnant it is easy to make assumptions or try to judge here while not knowing all the facts…. I did not know or believe this at the time… its been a long road this hindsight is 20/20…
“Impregnating the woman is a classic method of “controlling” and “binding” her down. The narcissistic psychopath aware of the shallowness and transience of his own simulated emotions – attributes the same fleetingness to his partner. Saddled with a baby, she is unlikely to vanish on him.”
Think again honey ! David Cooperfield aint got nothing on me watch me Vanish……