Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
Is that an oxymoron? watch me Vanish LOL ?? duh….
I object to “there are no victims, only volunteers.” (Dr. Phil says that too.) When you are a victim of emotional rape, there is a HIDDEN agenda, there is a SUDDEN REVERSAL and the victim is left often feeling THEY CAN NEVER TRUST AGAIN. We can be lied to and fooled and manipulated and deceived with very little wrong doing or stupidity on our part! That is not alway the case, but it can and does happen. No one volunteers for that, anymore than they volunteer to be raped or robbed or killed.
And yes there were usually red flags in situations where some accuse us of being “volunteers”. But in almost every relationship there are “red flags”—- some of which don’t matter in the end. It turns out to be a great relationship even though someone had reactive attachment disorder as a child, or that they were very closed at first,unemployed, whatever. We need to pay attention to red flags, and stay alert, but missing some or not taking them seriously doesn’t make you a “volunteer”.
Some people can LOOK like volunteers because their past taught them to minimize some red flags, or not recognize them. That does NOT make them a volunteer. But the good news is that NEXT time that person (with training like we get here on LF) will have new knowledge to protect themself with. After you have lots of knowledge and have a chance to heal and get your footing, if you still make the same bad choices because you let yourself get seduced with validation, or dreams of sudden wealth, etc….then you really need to start understanding the basis of your choices and what part IS your fault. In other words, about the third or fourth time you KNOWINGLY put on the rose-colored glasses, you better start looking at YOU as having a great deal to do with what is happening.
I know recognize about myself some great gifts from past trauma (like a tremendous ability to empathize, a great ability to read people’s body language, an ability to avoid pushing people’s buttons, etc. ) and some weak spots (I have to be super strong to not get intimidated by male anger and stand up to it, and I could go on and on). But the main thing is I recognize and love who I am now. I’m proud of me. I know my weaknesses, I know the vulnerabilities I have, and I know the special strenghts I have. I think that is a good spot for anyone who has been through a lot of trauma to arrive at. I hope we are all getting to that spot, those of us who share a past of trauma.
PS The other road for me to take would be to try to “heal” from all my past traumas. But hey, I’m almost 60, and I have some body parts that aren’t perfect, and I could have operations to make them work better, but I already know how to work around my physical limitations and I’m at peace with them, even as I work out, hike, and try to stay in shape. And so too, do I recognize that I could go do EMR, etc. and maybe do some additional healing, but I know how to work around most of my “sore spots” and protect them, and I’m content. When I hurt, I recognize, oh yeah, that’s tapping into that unresolved issue, and that seems to be enough to bring me out of the hurt quickly. I’m healed enough. I guess I should change my name to “healedenough-to-be-happy-and succeed”
Thank you for sharing that wisdom justabouthealed… it helps to read and learn others experiences.
OK…Has ANYONE else gone back and started questioning themselves after they knew what they were dealing with?
IE; he had all this love and contacting me and pressuring me and now the last day he hasnt even attempted contact ??? what is that about…so of course it has be second guessing…maybe he isnt a sociapath? maybe it is me?
in his last email to me he said ….”now go with all your men and let me be”…let him be ??? im so confused!!!
UGH!
fahrahri –
PLEASE don’t try to have this stuff make sense to an ordinary man. he is not. you will see this type of behaviour (this come on and run away) written about again and again in the articles and posts here.
IT WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION YOURSELF, IF YOU DON’T SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS – PATHETIC MANIPULATION.
Have you read the BETRAYAL BOND? The book explains why this sort of dynamic works on us – until we wise up.
Yours put heavy pressure for days then disappeared. Mine DIED and resurrected after 6 weeks – and quite fully expected that I would accept the BS story, and get right back in the saddle.
Basiclly they are f*cking nuts and if you try to see their behaviour as ordinary or TRULY loving in any way, you will go nuts. too.
So, don’t and don’t.
line up his behaviors against the ones written about here. keep doing it, and try VERY hard not to compartmentalize what he has done or said that seems positive, from what has been disrespectful and bullying, full of lies, secrets, manipulation blame and gas-lighting.
If it doesn’t feel good it isn’t. With a spath, if it does feel good, it isn’t.
one_step_at_a_time says:
U ARE RIGHT!!! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!! I needed that …and it is why every chance i get i come here…it is because of you all that i have seen him for what he is…and it is such strength im getting …thank you for your post tonite for me!!!!
no btw …to answer about the book …i believe i ordered that the other day with several other books that ive seen recommended…i will look at my order and see ..if not i will get …asap…
hey fahrahri – you are welcome! they are slippery creatures, but just as slippery are our own minds – and THOSE we can regain control over. 🙂
I wanted to toss my 2 cents in about the victims/volunteers and the its your choice comments.
Both of these views are true even while appearing to be opposites.
It is my choice and everyone else’s choice who we let into our lives, who we stay with and what we do or do not do, what we tolerate and do not tolerate, etc.
But while that is true it is also a somewhat simplistic view of human relationships and how they develop over time for good or bad. I doubt that hardly anyone would willing make a choice to let someone into their lives that they knew would start openly harming them in various ways.
What frequently happens is that these things develop gradually over time. It is much the same as the grooming process used by child molesters. Abusers “groom” their partner to gradually become more tolerant of what is occurring and as the tolerance level builds so to does the abuse until one day the abused finds themselves in a relationship that not that long ago seemed fine.
Of course that is a simplistic boiled down piece itself I just typed and there are always exceptions to every rule. Here is a link to an brief piece written by an Assistant Attorney General for the State of Wisconsin about the grooming process and if you try you can easily see the similarities between what is he talking about and the predatory abuser. In fact he starts off by using a con artist example – http://www.vachss.com/guest_dispatches/grooming.html