Red flags–if you see them, run

Style1 I liked your pizza analogy – you were dead right to not be controlled by that man – I guarantee if you had spoken up to him he probably would have spat on your food.

I recall reading on Sandra Brown’s site that she said there are some women who will use their bad experience as a learning curve – they will read and learn all they can about pathology to arm themselves so they never make the same mistake again in the future. Then, there are those who just won’t ‘get it’ and will either go back to the harmful man or will meet someone else just as harmful or worse in future. Once we have been given the gift of clear sight, it is up to us to decide how to use it and how we will be treated in the future. I am using this to ensure I am never again treated badly in the future – I couldn’t go through another relationship like this.

Like you I married young and put aside dreams of travel and adventure to do the ‘wife’ thing – what a waste of time that was. I was never appreciated and was abused for many years. I didn’t get an inkling before the marriage, but when I look back now I can recognise red flags that I definitely should have seen – for most of us it takes seeing all the red flags in a pattern to contextualise them and realise this man is no good. I think now I have a three strike rule – one let down could be an accident, two could be a serious problem but three means they are dangerous for me. Had I applied this rule back then, I would have been away from him before we even married. Hindsight is priceless!

I am intrigued by your idea of wearing a band – I have always thought that had I had a big strong male relative sticking up for me he wouldn’t have dared to treat me as he did – but I could be wrong there. Pathology is pathology and it means he can never change. I have realised how much currency society puts into marriage for women. I was recently at a function and was introduced to a woman in her fifties. We exchanged names and basic greetings and then she asked me ‘Are you married?’ Someone else cut in and I pretended not to hear her so she repeated it! ANd then once more! I said ‘I am divorcing’ and she didn’t know what to say about that – she was embarrassed in front of the guests for asking so many times when she should have just left it alone.

It made me think though – it seems that the sole measure of success for a woman is being married and having kids. Yep popping out some genetic copies and being married to someone – anyone – no matter how they treat you and what that married life is like. Now it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do either of those things – it doesn’t require intelligence, tact, hard work, dedication (well RAISING the children would but conceiving them doesn’t). Why didn’t she ask me about my career? Why didn’t she ask me what qualifications and experience I had? And why did she pointedly ask about marriage when she saw I clearly had no ring of any description on either hand? It seems that even though feminism has moved women’s opportunities ahead, there is still the expectation that if she’s successful she will have a man to stand behind. It made me really angry to be judged by her in front of so many people – she could have taken the hint and left it alone, but she kept going after it like a dog with a bone.

Situations like that make me realise just how vulnerable women on their own are … and I didn’t feel vulnerable or alone before that. It’s the same on social networking sites – everyone flashing their pictures of babies and kids as though that is the sole highlight achievement of their lives. I have a friend who has had her wedding pic up as a profile pic for nearly eight months – she’s just so proud to be married. I was as well unfortunately. She also prefaces every status update with ‘my wonderful darling husband…’ – seems she has lost her identity as a woman since she married. When she got married she put up an update saying ‘XXX says to a friend it is better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t love you.’ I can only assume that was meant for me – she knew my situation at the time. I felt it was rubbing salt in the wound.

So women do it too. Women rub in how ‘blissfully happy’ they are in marriage and motherhood without a thought for those of us who’s dreams have been destroyed. They also tend to treat you differently when you are single. I felt funny in socialising with married friends after the split – they tended to be very protective of their partners almost as though insinuating I might try to steal them – ha! Fat chance! Most of them are revolting! I am excluded from lots of events because I have no partner and I even had a friend ask me not to bring a partner to a wedding as they were trying to cut down on numbers (needless to say I didn’t go). I know for a fact had I still been with the P, there is no way that request would have been made – the friend saw it as an opportunity to save money regardless of my feelings about attending alone. That made me angry for quite a while. But it’s just stupidity – I try now not to let it get to me.

In negotiating with the P to finalise our divorce etc, I am enforcing strict boundaries and not tolerating manipulation. I now spell out what he is doing in plain and graphic language and tell him I won’t accept it = I then state what I will accept. Life is running more to my preferences now – I am not used to having them or stating them or pursuing them after the P, but I am getting there quickly. I won’t let anyone push me around now – I learned the lesson and I never want to return for more learning!

Very true Spirit – i was about to write that too lol No relationship is that happy, but I have always been careful not to hurt people who are single with my happiness if in a relationship – I will continue to do that in future too. Not everyone is happy being single and not everyone is happy in their relationship.

Style – mine was ugly towards the end too – I knew what he was and he made my skin crawl – he wanted to remain like flatmates as though nothing had happened – WTF? And thought he should be able to stay for as long as he liked although it was well over by then. I couldn;t stand to be in the same room as him and yet I would get terribly sad when he talked about leaving – strange huh? I think a lot of it was fear of the unknown and me doubting if I could cope alone. It only took a few days of being alone to get more used to it and within about a week my thinking was becoming clearer and I started to feel stronger.

Fahrahri you will be the same hopefully – within a short time you will start enjoying your life without his toxins in it. It surprised me how quickly it turned around – I wrote every night about incidents I recalled where he did me wrong and now I have close to two hundred pages – I definitely don’t want him back now. I know in my heart and soul there is no hope for him and everything he presented to me was an illusion and false. It takes a little time to get this realisation deep within your bones, but keep reading and writing and posting and you will get there. I always remind myself too of how much worse it could have been – we talked about buying more houses and setting up businesses together – my situation at present is bad but not irretrievable – it could have been so much worse. Those who have children with a SPN have a much harder road to travel than me – once we are sorted with legalities I don;t ever have to see him or hear from him again – that’s a blessing!