Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
I may have heard it here….don’t remember….
I would never date someone claiming bisexuality….because there are too many oopportunities to be cheated on…..
I thought about this….and I at times was on ‘alert’ for women he may have gotten ‘close’ to…..BUT I NEVER EVER questioned his male friends…..
Unfortunately….if I’m ever in another relationship…..I’ll never look at his male friends the same as I have done in my previous relationshit.
tiger woods eyes – yep he is a narcisist sociopath – dr. henry says so…
EB I am not bi sexual – I was married to a female ten years and have two kids, but she was the only one and I have never had any desire to be with another woman. I am glad she is with a str8 guy now for 25 years and she deserves all the passion she can get because I was a lousy imatation of a str8 dude in bed.
Hens….I know ‘who’ you are…..
And I know your story……
That’s why I love my hens!!!!
I would think I may feel differently if my ex came right out as he did his other opoinions and say…..I LIKE MEN!
But he was a wimp and knew it wouldn’t ‘fly’ with me…..so he hid it……
As I have said many many times…..I respect anyone for their desires of men, women or both, multiple…..it’s all good with me…..BUT IF YOUR MY HUSBAND……I ‘demand’ monogamy. ME ONLY!!!!!
And I expect a choice to stay or go if my husband wants to have men…..or women….or couples or whatever….
It’s one thing to have not come to terms with your sexuality yet and NOT ‘practice’ (for lack of better word) being gay when your married…..not cheating on your spouse and fulfiling the marriage vows……
Okay…..but to know your gay and marry a woman to ‘hide’ from the reality or societal judgements and use your marriage strictly as a front, having NO intentions of ‘being married’ and cheat on your wife with men…..WTF??
I agree….Cluster B’s will do whatever comes along at the time.
BTW…..the ‘you’ in my post does not refer to YOU darling….
It’s a generic…’you’. whoever ‘you’ applies to….like the ex S!!!
Eb I will admit I got married knowing I liked men, but back in the 60’s that was not a popular thing . And I had every intention of being straight and not cheating with men, I hoped and prayed those desires would go away, but they never did. I met a guy and things happened. I told my wife and we divorced but remained friends. I was with this guy for five years after my divorce and will always love him, but he liked tho booze too much – I gave him an ultimatem – me or the booze and last I heard he is still with Jim Bean. He contacted me about 6 years ago and offered me a huge amount of money to reunite. He said I was and am the love of his life and he compares every guy he meets to me and they never are as good. But I am talking about a serious drinking problem – I am surprised he is still living…
EB:
the ex N/S creep that I was involved with didn’t have a natural scowl. He did however, have a very peculiar perpetual small upturn to his lips at each end of his mouth. It was always like that no matter what he was doing. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen that in someone and in retrospect it was creepy and sinister, not like a pleasant smile at all.
this guy I am talking about inherited several mil when his mom died. Thats when he contacted me. I am very proud and have never wanted to be taken care of financially. Last I heard my x drunk is broke – he got hooked up with a con who took him for everything.
icanseeclearlynow, Henry and ErinBrock: My ex N/S sometimes had a natural scowl that made people at least slightly uncomfortable — one long-time friend, when she met him for the first time in January 2009, described his persona as “dark.” Overall, he did not have a welcoming, friendly demeanor in general public or when he attended business networking events with me. In private, he alternated from being intense/standoffish moody,”egg shells”intimidating or non-pleasant at times OR mostly relaxed/accommodating, smiling and even laughed more often over time in our dealings. Go figure.
NEVER AGAIN will I put up an online profile giving out personal information, ESPECIALLY on any kind of dating site. I have made that decision for myself from my experience with a malignant Narc/Sociopath who found/targeted me from one.
However, there are others who will continue to use dating sites or public forums, I would like to add something to be VERY ATUNED to and PAY ATTENTION to.
What’s in a Name?
A LOT!!!
The name a person takes on, especially specifically chosen aliases says much about them.
That something is USERNAMES. Do not discount or negate or ignore the information or cues that usernames can give about a person on a dating site or forum.
You may rationalize to yourself, as I did, and I’m pretty sure many people do, that a sinister sounding name or ANYTHING that gives even the tiniest tinkling of negativity alarm bells is somehow a quirky or black sense of humor or irony.
From my experience and CLEAR retrospect and going over many, many communications and studying disordered people they have what seems to be kind of compulsion to almost snickeringly give cues to their underlying evil, as if it’s all a big hilarious game to them.
Some examples of this would be any name to do with SATAN or the DEVIL or any derivative therof. They may joke about it or explain it away. But, WHAT normal person takes on the name of the devil? Seriously!
Another one is anything to do with criminals especially well known psychopaths, sociopaths. This can sometimes be slightly subtle, like a song title (that refers to a criminal) that’s been playfully changed. WORD GAMES. Disordered creeps love word games. There is a lot of art in our culture that refers to P/S/N and Cluster B behaviours. ANY name CHOSEN to do with this is a SIGN.
Lastly, there are names that relate to the behaviour of the disordered and some icons that are prevalent in the psychological and fiction literature that describe them. For example the word “WOLF” or even “Dorian Grey”. These two might seem obvious now to most of us on this site after we’ve had our experience with an S or P or whatever, but there are lots of other ones and I think it’s important to note that normal people have the desire to discount and disbelieve that evil can be that OUT THERE sometimes. IT TRULY is. THe other thing we need to always be aware of is that CONTRADICTION or INCONGRUITY. So someone who has a name that kind of rings a bell of warning, say a nickname from something you’ve read about predators, YET they are portraying themselves in an overwhelming sympathetic and positive light…..THAT is a RED FLAG.