Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
I don’t know if other aspects of the experience of spaths needs to be added to round out this spath profile, but here we have examples of: spath stupidity; the truths of how we are conned; the mirror quote (I wouldn’t have really understood this quote unless i had come here); and a total lack of conscience to contextualize ones behavior in.
………………..and yes, I DO need a new hobby.
“The great masses of the people… will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.” ”“ Adolph Hitler
“Look down on me, you will see a fool. Look up at me, you will see your Lord. Look straight at me, you will see yourself.” ”“Charles Manson
“Even psychopaths have emotions. Then again, maybe not.” -Richard Ramirez
“I haven’t blocked out the past. I wouldn’t trade the person I am, or what I’ve done – or the people I’ve known – for anything. So I do think about it. And at times it’s a rather mellow trip to lay back and remember.” ”“ Ted Bundy
icanseeclearlynow – when you say word games do you mean sh*tty manipulative ones only, or playful fun ones, too?
Hi everyone, I have a lot to catch up here!!
To Mariposa: really good list, but I have a feeling that some sociopaths know that we know about some of those…For example, mine introduced me to people around him really fast – as it turned out, those (2) people were his accomplices/enablers. Also he didn’t put pressure on me to have sex the first time. Must have got his hands on a manual about how to behave like a gentleman…
To Fahrari: don’t fall for his promises…I found out my sociopath had several other gfs – he swore I was the only one he loved etc. But he was doing the same with the others, alternatively, in a circle – when one rejected him he tried it on the next one etc.! And all along he knew we were in touch and that each of us knew what he was telling the other ones…sick.
To Henry: same thing happened to me with fb!! Including the picture thing!! That’s what they do to keep pestering us when we don’t want to talk to them…and yes, “block” is the way to go…
one_step – I mean playful ones too, as well as the manipulative, crazy-making ones.
I’d like to clarify this though, so no one misunderstands me.
I’m not saying that enjoying word games in and of itself is a red flag. I like word games and puns. A lot of people do. It’s more the manner in which they use word games.
There’s a contradictory sinister quality to their games with words. I’m still working on this in myself, trying to clarify and define what is unique about the way they do it. All I can say right now, is I KNOW in my GUT that there is something different about the way they do.
icanseeclearlynow,
it’s subtext. the thing behind.
the double meaning to the story they are running. the story we are not privy to.
i once said told the spath a story that was about the admin. at work getting ticked about something – and the spth loved it. and i realize now -IT WAS BECAUSE SHE HAS THE SAME NAME AS THE ADMIN.
OK this just came to me as I was sitting here thinking over many of the ex’s mind games.
I think one word game they play is dropping “BAIT” words or phrases, one of these baits is actually the first one for some of the online predators and that’s as I wrote, their NAME.
Now, once they meet you they will test you to see if their BAIT WORDS get a reaction. If the bait words SLIP BY you WITHOUT a reacion or you actually laugh at it or treat the POISONOUS BAIT as benign, then they know each and every time you do that how much of a potential victim you are.
One bait word, which is a phrase actually, but phrases count too, is BUNNY BOILER.
That’s interesting about the XSpath from your life and the reaction to the same name.
What you wrote about subtext and double meaning to their story is so true. There is such a disturbing, distorted fun house mirror aspect to them.
The ex creep of my life knew I loved a specific name and claimed on a number of ocassions that the name of the girl he lost his virginity to was this name.
THEN on other times, he told me it was ANOTHER girl (with a different name) that he lost his virginity to (some girl he had added on Facebook). I believe he was telling me the first STORY because of the same name thing and because he thought that would make an impression on me.
When I called him on the inconsistency, not that I wanted to know who he lost his virginity to. He had a compulsion to incessently go on ad nauseum about all of his previous lovers. But, when I asked him about the two different stories he got indignant and insistent that it was WHICHEVER ONE of the two he was currently claiming AND THAT WOULD CHANGE!!!!!
HELLOOOOOO!!!!
crazy shit.
icanseeclearlynow – yes, yes, yes
intuitively yes – mine did this with behaviors – okay, she put up with that, uh huh, okay, oh that didn’t freak here out, either, okay, next one…constantly upping the anti.
thing is, i have a high tolerance for weird; and i don’t mean bad behavior, just weird. and i know now that that puts me at risk of being played.
I will think on the words that were bait – know one phrase for sure. my spath had a lot of sock puppets online and she REALLY wanted me to know that the last one standing WAS her – she used a line – that showed up online a day later (after she revealed herself to me as ‘not dead’.) She knew the game was over with me, but she wanted me to know that that horrid character trying to call me out nad threaten me, was HER.
…okay – (that dind’t take long to get knocked loose!) talked about sheep and wolves;
and how prey have their eyes on the side of their heads and ‘he’ didn’t so he musn’t be prey (although his thing was to say what prey he WAS);
how ‘he’ was stalked and how so and so and so and so were playing with ‘him’;
how ‘he’ wasn’t a ‘player’;
how just cause you didn’t show up on google doesn’t make you a bad person (??? foget what kind of logic this is);
………………..and i am sure there are more!
thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i needed to get HERE; this stuff has been rolling around in my head but now it’s coalesced.
icanseeclearlynow,
woooooo, your spath is hollow in the SAME way as MINE! I can feel her in your words….woooooo.
“There is such a disturbing, distorted fun house mirror aspect to them.” OH YAH!!!!!!
‘The ex creep of my life knew I loved a specific name and claimed on a number of ocassions that the name of the girl he lost his virginity to was this name. THEN on other times, he told me it was ANOTHER girl ………… of the two he was currently claiming AND THAT WOULD CHANGE!!!!!
This WHOLE quote – the logic, the way it ‘works’ know it, know it, know it. My experience was different (i have 6 characters carrying out the work of 1) but it IS THE SAMMMMMME!!!!!!!!!
WHOAAAAA NELLY!!!
🙂 I’m so glad one_step that you’ve gotten HERE!!
I am starting to like this anger stuff in myself. The righteous anger is releasing for me and good. If it helps with understanding as well and maybe helps someone else then that’s awesome.
That stuff ‘your’ exspath said about wolves and sheep and eyes..OMG the whole things sounds so typically Spath twisted
The things he/she says (I’m a little confused sorry, is the exSpath from your life a he or a she?) and does sounds identical to what the rabid dog (the ex from my life who i refuse to call “my” anymore) does and says.
He has a LEGION of sock puppets. It’s mind boggling how they do this!!!!!
What he is doing online right now is sickening. I broke down over the holidays and checked on him. He has completely turned everything upside down and ACTS like poor pitiful, crying, crying lovelorn victim and maligns me viciously. When I tried outing him after I left he came after me WITH his sock puppets, attacking me. This is a sociopathic CREEP who emotionally abused me so badly I almost killed myself and BEAT ME!!!! and he’s got women reading his shit poetry and postings feeling sorry for him and telling him he has…get this…”a beautiful soul”.
*PUKE*
Another thing about the WORDS, while I’m on a roll, is that when he talks about himself he NEVER takes responsibility or accountabilty. VAGUENES and INUENNDO is his forte, letting his dupes fill in the blanks as in..”I know I made mistakes and did things wrong..” always with the “dot. dot.” at the end with his posts AND he is still using “WE” when talking about shit from the past in our relationship even though I left him 2 months ago and more importantly what he says “WE” about is actually WHAT HE DID!!!!!
creep
creep
creep
creep
creep
creep
a million times CREEP
Oh and about having a tolerance for weird. I’m like that too. I work in the arts. I am surrounded by different, off-beat, out of the mainstream, wierd, freaky and the like, so I have a high tolerance for it. I think that maybe some predators use that because they figure we have our guard down. There IS a huge difference between off-beat and PSYCHO SICK though.