Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
This list primarily applies to a male P and a female victim, but one of the things I noticed with my P BF at the time,
SECRETIVENESS, going places and NOT wanting me to be along.
TURNING OFF HIS CELL PHONE when he was gone.
Wanting to be FRIENDS with his ex GFs (who it turned out he was still either sleeping with them, trying to get them BACK (all at the time he was dating me)
ANY KIND of DISHONESTY–or tales of “pulling a fast one on Joey” and thinking this is admirable behavior because “joey” deserved to be scammed.
TALES OF TAKING VENGENCE on people who have offended him in the past, or wanting to get vengence on someone who has currently offended him.
FAILURE TO BE FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE–always needing to borrow money from anyone for daily living expenses. Buying “boy toys” when not meeting obligations to repay loans or pay for own expenses.
TALKING ABOUT ALL HIS/HER “BIG PLANS” for the future how they are going to be rich and famous with some “big deal” but right now, they are broke.
FAILURE TO MEET OBLIGATIONS to anyone, kids, parents, etc.
TRASHING and SMEARING past romantic partners as “crazy” or “a nut case” right from the start of your relationship before you really ever get to know them.
MANY [PAST MARRIAGES OR LIVE-IN RELATIONSHIPS, usually short term (not always though my X was only married once previously for 32 years, but he cheated on her from the first)
PRONE TO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE in anger or VERBAL RAGES over just about anything.
TRIES to secure YOUR PITY for how others have ruined his/her life and want you to RESCUE them from the unhappiness of life because you are so “special.”
WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT INVOLVES RISK FOR YOU in any way. Whether it is unsafe sex, or drive your car with no license, if the risk is to YOU and not them DON’T DO IT.
DRINK AND DRIVE EVER, even one drink. Irresponsible and illegal and poor judgment. What do you need someone like this for?
A LONG HISTORY of drinking/drugs and multiple trips to rehab
A CRIMINAL RECORD OF ANY KIND. Yea, they may have “reformed” but most don’t.
Some one who GIVES YOU THE SILENT TREATMENT WHEN THEY ARE UPSET WITH YOU…..this is “punishing” you, it is a BAD SIGN.
Someone who NAME CALLS you or others with derogatory names when they are angry.
Someone who is NEVER WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING even when they are wrong, does not RESPECT others opinions or judgments or knowledge or skills. Especially yours! Have to oalways be “right.”
PUSHES FOR SEX EARLY ON IN RELATIONSHIP, or for pushing the relationship forward very RAPIDLY.
The list could go on “forever” but basically people who have these faults/personality traits are NOT someone I want an intimate relationship with either as a significant other or even a close friend.
Learning to watch for the RED FLAGS, honor them, and not “excuse” them is like saying “Oh, John is a great guy—WHEN HE ISN’T ROBBING BANKS.” Even the worst P can be a “nice guy” between bouts of abuse! (((hugs)))
EDIT: The last sentence should have the word NOT in front of it. Sorry!
Mine would say.. you want me to stay here all day and not see my friends… I would say “your not doing me any favors by staying in the house… I did not keep him from his friends.. I just would not let him use my “car” with no license … since he had caused me to have my insurance cancelled once already…. hey so what if he dosent have a license… but then would throw it in my face when it was conveinent for him… to use the car for errands. If he wanted to see his friends so bad they can pick him up or he can ride his “mountain bike”….. I could not dress how I wanted…after all I am fat single and 40 now … and he is skinny and toothless… he also wanted me to pay his hospital bills… for being an alcoholic and having to go to detox… that is not my responsibility. He wont even pay child support. That is my responsibility not his… no accountibility or responsibility for creating a life…. just wanted to criticize me and how I live my life tearing down any self esteem I have.. and my childs… how he looks, etc how we eat….he did nothing but sit on his ass, smoke pot , drink, work LOL occasionally but had my support him on and off for the past 23 years…. yeah I am angry!!!! call on x mas cause I emailied or not… to try and humiliate me and my child he did not call cause he cared he called to get an update… what can he use and how he can demean my child…..still he sees through the crap…. uggghhhhhh still I will write and not send my emails from now on…
Good list, Oxdrover – about half match my ex! We have a huge list of red flags now.
Also – don’t know if these apply to all sociopaths, they may be a little bit too specific, but:
-Frequently said he had a bad memory – wasn’t good at remembering dates, names, details, etc. (pre-emptive strategy in case I spotted inconsistencies in his tales).
-Was very evasive about his previous relationships
-Would constantly complain about his cell phone not working properly (so that I wouldn’t wonder why he wasn’t answering or returning calls, when he was with other women).
-Would hardly even call me by my name – he used terms of endearment instead (so that he wouldn’t get names mixed up).
-Would forget/mix up my friends’ names, or personal things I had told him (didn’t care + got so many personal stories from so many girlfriends at the same time that he couldn’t remember all the details, or which girl had said what).
-Would talk about a “friend” (made up or real) who was carrying on multiple relationships and got his girlfriends to buy him things – and would defend him
-Some of his friends/family seemed uncomfortable in my presence (they knew he had multiple girlfriends)
-Was incredibly stingy – but blamed me for being stingy
…
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
I would find him alseep in the middle of the night on my bedroom floor as a teenager… he would sneak into(break into my house) climb roofs to get in…. (drunk most of the time) how he did not fall off is amazing 3 stories high….
He also would stalk me at work, and one day he stole a pair of sneakers from the store next door to the store I worked at… I was so embarrased and I gave his alias to the cops… (protecting the jerk)……
He left me with drug dealers after he robbed them for their pot.
He left me took all his stuff and moved in with his next victim…
while I paid rent….. he look at how much money I saved honey? what you have money saved and I am paying the rent?
Slashed my tires and then gave me a hundred dollars to make up for the damage? tires for 4 cost more than that but I should be grateful….
Borrowed my car, the radio got stolen but no windows were broken no damage cept the raido was stolen…(those were his crack days)….. hmmm all the memories coming back…..
Oh sorry Red flags …. I blew them all off …but not any longer… Redflags, hindsight… and my GUT INSTINCTS not to be IGNORED ever……ever AGAIN…..
That’s another one you reminded me of, the “you’ve got money” and “I’m broke” one. Why should I kick in on the rent when you still have money in the bank.
It never occurs to them to save for a rainy day. They spend to the last cent, so If TODAY they have “money” they spend it, but don’t think about the fact the rent is coming due TOMORROW. It is a day by day thing and if you are not DEAD broke why should they kick in on living expenses, ,”you’ve got money.”
Yea, stupid, I’ve got money because i don’t blow every cent I have on a whim, and I PLAN FOR tomorrow so I wono’t be broke like you! The SHELTER is down that direction—start walking, and NO I won’t give you a ride. LOL And yes, you are right, I don’t care that it is sleeting, or raining, or the winid blowing or that you lost your raincoat the last time you were high—not MY problem.
Oh! I was just going to post that one!!
Yes.. mine had no savings.. no profit sharing and pension … nothing and he is 57 and he spends money like water.. if he has it, he spends it and I am the opposite.. but I spent more when I was with him than I would have…
and he did spend on me.. I guess, he considered it his investment in his future… well… bad investment… I got him out of my house…
and I recall towards the end when I would leave him at my house, like if I was working out.. I got this real nervous feeling.. like he might be doing something.. I just didn’t like him being in my space when I wasn’t there…
And in the beginning, I have never had anyone call me, text me, email me, so much in my life.. and if I didn’t pick up, he would call until he got me.. and we went everywhere together when he was in town.. I felt like I had an attachement to my body.. and he would keep me up really late. He didn’t need much sleep and I told him that I like to get a good nights sleep.. and I had to tell him to not call me after 12 and that we were all the phone at 12.. no matter what.. it was exhausting.. I let him invade my boundaries.. then when I didn’t talk to him so much I missed the connection.. it was sick.. he hooked me into him.. yes he was trying to addict me to him.. and I hated it.. but also like the attention.. how twisted is that?
A really good con-artist will paint those red flags purple, or blue, or whatever YOUR FAVORITE color is, so that you are unable to pick up on them.
We need to be really careful, because there is a “Chameleon Quality” to sociopaths (I think Teacher123 pointed it out not too long ago).
If plan A is not working, they will morph into something else to break through our defenses.
We really have to be educated about Cluster B’s, vigilant about our boundaries, and probably most important…..Trust our instincts!!!
I think the people on this site have a definite advantage over the average citizen in that we have all had encounters with Custer B personalities. That gives us the “street smarts” that you need to identify a sociopath early, before too much damage can be done.
It may not always work out that way, but I still believe we have the advantage.
Happy New Year everybody!
Eye of the TIGER in 2010!!