Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
LMAO!!! Well at least he had an excuse – driving, right??
hi eileen,
The S I did my time with was too lazy to shake IT off after going pee, so he’d often leave a wet spot on his boxers…oh SO sexy…ICK. He is also a massive slob leaving a trail behind him wherever he goes…food, ashes, god knows what…ha it occurs to me that that echos what they do with with people’s lives….leave a trail of destruction and just keep on moving expecting everyone else to do things for them.
They are L A Z YYYYYYYY good-for-nothings.
I am soooooooooo livid right now!!!! My bellly feels like there’s a burning raging fire in it I’m so MAD!!!
I just read something that floored me. I’m glad it’s gotten me so angry. I need this. It feels RIGHT. It feels GOOD to not react defeated and really see once again while I’m in this state what a TRULY SLIMEY SADISTIC DECEITFUL PARASITE HE IS.
They really can NOT exist for a split second without being a BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRE on someone else.
I guess washroom breaks are optional when you’re a sociopath desperate for some supply!!!
GOOD RIDDANCE to bad rubbish.
URGHHHH suddenly I feel like I could run a marathon
Oxy,
I have read you describe where you live in a few posts and it sounds lovely. I yearn right now to be in nature because of it’s healing qualities. I live in the city, but there are some beautiful parks and water. I’ve decided I’m going to make a goal to take a restorative walk and soak up some nature ASAP. It’s winter, my least favorite season, but it will do 🙂
I think of LF as my virtual retreat. I am so grateful for this site, the authors and the support of everyone here. Besides my weekly counseling session, LF is my only support in slogging through this painful mess I’m in.
one_step: I have looked for your quotes that you mentioned to me in an earlier post and I couldn’t find them. If you remember which article it was on, could you let me know the title?
Oxy, my wish for you and everyone else who has suffered, including myself (can’t forget me..I’m learning!) is that the walk becomes pain-free
icanseeclearlynow – so I’ll paste them here. I think they illustrate the traits quite well:
“The great masses of the people… will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.” ”“ Adolph Hitler
“Look down on me, you will see a fool. Look up at me, you will see your Lord. Look straight at me, you will see yourself.” ”“Charles Manson
(To his father) “I really screwed up this time.” – Jeffrey Dahmer
“Even psychopaths have emotions. Then again, maybe not.” -Richard Ramirez
I was completely swept along with my own compulsion. I don’t know how else to put it. It didn’t satisfy me completely so maybe I was thinking another one will. Maybe this one will, and the numbers started growing and growing and just got out of control, as you can see. -Jeffrey Dahmer
“I haven’t blocked out the past. I wouldn’t trade the person I am, or what I’ve done – or the people I’ve known – for anything. So I do think about it. And at times it’s a rather mellow trip to lay back and remember.” ”“ Ted Bundy
I have been so sick the last couple of days – spent to much time in my place over the holidays and i am toxic as all get out. ugh. blah. bleck.
some day – this too will be over.
My X would call to ask what was I doing and where was I at.?..never had much else to say – I remember feeling “uneasy’ about these calls because I thot he was checking up on me…but eventually the truth came out – he was making sure I wasnt close to home or coming home – he didnt want me too interrupt his online hook-up he had coming over to my house to play. Anybody need a good used mattress?
henry: it’s make a nice midwinter country bonfire.
oops, that should be, it would make…
well I have replaced the couch and most other furniture he touched and left his toxic karma on but still saving for a new boxsprings and mattress – any donations will be appreciated~! When I do replace it I think I will ship it to Oxy, she is always lookin for a bargain…One Step believe me I have had some huge bonfires out here – I piled his crap up and set it on fire and did a war dance around it like Kevin Costner in Dances with wolves…..
HEADS UP! I’ve got another mattress and boxspring for that bonfire coming!!
After I left (world’s quickest move) I went through everything that was not put into storage and threw out EVERYTHING (especially the sheets) that had his STINK on it and I’m not just talkin’ smell here. I lost so much that he destroyed in his rages, on top of the money but those things were actually a joy to kick to the curb.
I have thought about my sofa and chair set from the living room and how I spent so much time picking that out from my hard earned money. It was the second major piece of furniture after my bed that I bought on my own after my divorce and now I am broke. The thought of even having it in my home (that is when I get a home) with his taint on it, makes me kind of sick. I think I’d rather sit on cushions on the floor.
one_step – thanks for those quotes 🙂 The Hitler one is priceless and the Ted Bundy one was chilling. The ex creep was like that…oh so freaken arrogant and sadistically unremorseful…blech
I hope you had a good time getting out for a while tonight and feel better soon