Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
Shoot…..a bonfire! Wow….great idea!
I just burned things in the wood stove little by little, here and there.
How magnificant it would be to light up the night sky with a bonfire!
🙂
Yes it would EB. Yes it sure would 🙂
I made him take the bed we both slept in – I am stuck with a childhood one – small! But at least I know who has slept on it and it is free of spathjuice 🙂
The ex in my life was also a great big slob – never cooked, never cleaned, would ‘shake’ in the toilet and leave spots on the floor, splashes of urine on the underside of the seat. Also would take about half an hour for number twos and would totally stink up the toilet – have no idea what he was doing in there all that time, but it was a regular pattern. He took books in with him – have never met anyone that took that long about their ‘business’ lol He never cooked, avoided going grocery shopping, wouldn’t shop for anything for the house – no pride in his living space at all – expected me to do everything. And then would say he didn’t expect me to do anything … but if I didn’t do it then it didn’t get done – crazy behaviour.
Bonfire sounds like an awesome idea to get rid of stuff – unfortunately I don’t have money to replace things and I bought them all with my money anyways – but still they all have bad memories. I have chucked holy water over everything!
“spathjuice” YUCK! Where’s my garlic?
I ended up taking my bed. It is in storage now. It was the first and only bed in my life that is a GOOD bed that I could sleep in comfortably. I loved that bed so much. I also spent a ton of money on it so I could finally get a good night sleep. My ex husband and I always had lousy beds. Now, after the spath encounter it makes me sick to even think of sleeping on it 🙁
I’ve been with men who were not the greatest at housekeeping and some women are not either. This creep was a completely different animal. How I would describe would be BRAZENLY PIGGISH.
Around the house he did absolutely butt-f**k-all except sit around and make a mess, never shut up and cause me pain and misery. Livin the dream I was.
Actually…..Memorial weekend right after divorce was finalized….I had a HUGE and I mean HUGE garage sale.
At 3am, after I finished getting all the shit out of my garage and set up, I stood at the top of the driveway and looked at all the crap in front of me…..and there was NOTHING there that I missed.
Just yesterday I took all his Grandmothers silver to the thrift shop. The ladies were so shocked at how nice it all was…..polished and all……I just don’t want it around!
It was nice also, getting rid of all the christmas stuff his mother gave him when he was little…..a few orniments and the ‘family’ orniments for the 2 of us too……I pushed ‘DELETE’ on him!
🙂
I LOVE my bed……and i was prepared to fight to death for it!
I bought it with a bonus from my boss……it’s a hand carved italian 4 poster canapy…..I have always called it the ‘queens bed’…..(oh a bit narcissistic of me huh?)……
He knew I loved my bed and at one point that was what he said he wanted…..yeah, right…..
He also wanted my Bear rug a client gave me one christmas…..he decided it was given to both of us…….NOT!!
When I was in hospital, he yanked the bear off the wall and ripped his claws ……shoved it in a trash bag ans stashed it where he was living……I snuck in……in the middle of the night, when he wasn’t there and switched it out with a trash bag full of shrimp peelings and raw chicken wrapped inside a comforter to fill up the bag, so he wouldn’t suspect. I figured I would replace it with some other animal for him…..
Oh…..the things I’ve done……
🙂
There was a recent divorce case of a US Governor who had a nasty divorce…..
He seems like a real ‘winner’, affairs and all….
In the beginning of the case…..the Gov’s attorney referred to his STB ex wife as
AN ENRAGED FERRET!
I actually think that may have been a compliment…..given the outcome of their divorce!!!
Sometimes I can identify!
🙂
Oh I am lolling at the bag of chicken and shrimp – not quite the animal blanket he would have been expecting! Don’t they turn nasty sometimes? Oh for a crystal ball on the wedding day to see the darkened future ahead!
ErinBrock:
How did things end up on the “disposition” of S-ex’s jet ski?
Regarding that “appetizer” you created “shrimps in a blanket” (apologies to pigs in a blanket) I might add that “shrimps in a hubcap” can be a delightful “dessert” after an S has wrecked your evening. Yes, ol’ Matt dropped a few of his favorite crustaceans into the hubcaps of an S-ex boss after a dinner from hell with a client one night. No matter how fast the fucker drove, he couldn’t escape the smell. I believe the dealer dropped his trade-in price by 5 grand due to the “unusual deodirizer” he used.
Just saw this quote somewhere — it is applicable on so many levels:
“Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it’s cowardice. ”
~ George Jackson