Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
What was the penalty in your case Eileeen? I don’t really want him to lose his quals but I don’t want him able to continue studying either – I just want him to go away. Re the admin fraud – what do you mean by that? That he signed a plagiarism form when submitting fraudulently because he knew it wasn’t his work? What happened in your case? >
I have never considered doing anything like this before, but I am so damned angry about this. The irony is he rubbed his qual in my face all the time – it was a slightly higher level than my honestly attained one! Grrrr
He had falsified his lousy grades so that he would be accepted on the programme… when the university found out he was kicked out – oops! 😉
Oh I see! Wow that is quite an audacious thing to do – who would dare do that in this day and age>!
…and when confronted he tried to explain he had falsified them…”by mistake!”…that lie didn’t get him very far!
Ok gang, now I’m starting to question if my last guy was sociopathic. Are these red flags to be concerned about?:
* 3 weeks into our relationship he told me he loved me and wanted to be exclusive.
* His dad is a sociopath…but he says his mom is not.
* Never introduced me to parents or sister.
* Never wanted to sleep over…always went home (lives with parents.)
* Went to his house only 1 time and that was when the parents were not home.
* Never called me by my name…not once since I’ve known him. Always called me “honey” which is nice but is that strange?
* Never introduced me to his friends.
* Broke up with me shortly after I lost my job. This when he told me he had put money aside to give me while I was out of work. The reason for the breakup? Said he needs too much personal space.
* Went right back on the dating site where we met the very next day after he broke up with me…went off a month later.
* Still keeps in contact with me and has come over to my place 1 a month for the past 3 months but no talk of getting back together as a couple…but wants to go bike riding in the Spring.
* He never asked for money or anything but asked if I had any equity in my condo.
Maybe I am over-evaluating things and this guy is just a not relationship material. In any event, I’m not happy and finally cut ties with him last week.
Iwonder:
I’d say there are a lot of things on your list that could point to a possible personality disorder. It could also be he is just a user, which after my own experience now, I’m starting to wonder if that’s only a euphemism. Regardless, the most important element in everything you’ve shared is in your last line.
“I’m not happy and finally cut ties with him last week.”
Listen to your gut. It won’t steer you wrong.
icanseeclearlynow:
Thanks for the post. For the past few months a few times when he made plans with me, when the day came, he’d not show up or call to cancel..just text me late to tell me he stayed in bed all day. I felt like either I was stringing myself along or he was stringing me. He stopped by right before Christmas and gave me a present…video games in a paper bag not even wrapped. I guess that says it all. Well, at least he didn’t get me for any money but in the beginning when we started dating last year, I saw another type of red flag. We were dating a month and he never took me to his place …it was because he didn’t have his own place. He didn’t tell me that until after we were intimate. 40 years old lives at home..but he does have a job that pays very well. . and he’s there because he’s paying off student loans. . so I excused the living at home thing.
Hi I wonder, he reminds me of my sociopath a lot. My guess is that he lives with another woman. That’s the only reason why he didn’t stay over at your place.
If he does live with his parents that’s because his previous gf kicked him out upon finding he had someone else…in that case with the age the student loans and the cycling trip idea he could really be my ex!!! Noone with a good job would live at their parents’. The good job and/or the parents is a lie.
It took my sociopath a while to start taking money from me. First they gain your trust, repay what they borrow, and once they have it, bang.
Iwonder:
Good to see you back online. How goes your job search?
Personally, I think you’ve got an S on your hands? What is the real give away for me? While you’ve got an awful lot of red flags waving, it is the “garaging” of you that is the tip off for me. His wanting to keep you on back burner. That is classic cluster-B, sociopath behavior. My S-ex never disengaged completely from his exes. It drove me crazy. I’m not saying that you have to hate your exes, but to keep them around and have contact with them is not only destructive to a current relationship, but also a sign that he is playing with a person from his past, in this case you.
You dodged a bullet, girl. Count your blessings.
I need help…
I feel kinda guilty asking because it seems when I let the Lord work, he comes through greater than I could.
But EVEN mY AToorney is suggesting giving my S/P an additional overnight stating that the Legal Guardian would probably request it also.
I don’t know if all S/Ps are sex addicts but mine was sdmittedly (to me and his ex GF) he told me he NEVER masturbated and didnt watch porn, turned out he was with his sleeping with at least one other woman while I was with him and watched quite a bit of porn. His ex caught him with two woman and he admnitted having a strictly sexuall arrangement with two other women in addition to his EX just before we began “dating”.
I found a list of at least 30 women (NOT including me) that he had thrown out, some didn’t have names ie “subway girl”, and when I confronted him he explained that he had felt sorry for using all those women (we know this is BS, but I wanted to express his addiction…he didn’t know her name!?)
I know most sex addicts have more than 30 partners by age 28, but this list DID NOT include any of his Ex-girlfriends name EITHER…this seemed to be solely a list of “sex” partners, which probably occured during each of the 6 long (2-3 year) relationships he held.
He was also sodomized (confirmed by his INAFFECTUAL mother) for 7 YEARS (approx ages 7-14)
He has been emotionally abusive to me since we met (WE ALL KNOW THIS)
He has displayed unconscienable behavior of yelling at me on SEVERAL occasions in FRONT Of our young son.
I am hoping like many of you have said, that if I am boring he will eventually lose interest in our son, but in the meantime, HOW can it be that someone with so many risk factors should be awarded EVEN MORE Time with my son…JUST what do I have to say to my attorney?
Does anyone know af any good articles on sexual abuse victims or Sex addicts?
also: side are most S/Ps’ text book sex addicts or is sex just associated with control issues?