Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
this is a really interesting site, and this page was extremely helpful to me in further understanding just how slimy and brutal these m-f-ers are:
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Types
Rosa:
This is one way I got through my divorce and learned patience.
I love it too and think of the analogy every day.
I also loved the dolphin one……
Not particularly a snake fan……but your right……
Gottadowhatchagottado sometimes.
It’s also a nice venom release!!!!
LIG:
Yes, good site.
Thanks for the reminder….
I have SO many sites bookmarked that it’s overwhelming to go into my Cluster B bookmarks and find something…..
YIKES!
Yea, I opened my big mouth back a couple of years ago when I threatened to hire an attorney and FIGHT his parole, so he KNOWS NOW…if I had kept my freaking mouth SHUT instead of trying to “scare him” into cooperating with me, how much ahead would I be with him not knowing what I was doing?
EVERY TIME I have opened my big mouth I stuck BOTH FEET INTO IT AND CHEWED VIGOROUSLY!
But now I know where and when to VENT safely and it is not in the hearing of the Ps or dysfunctional cluster Bs. Their cunning and thirst for revenge is way too over the top even for us when we are mad.
EB I am sorry that your GF is needing to learn the lesson you and I have so PAINFULLY learned but maybe this is “God’s letter” to her to LEARN PATIENCE and keep her stinking mouth shut.
I have learned, and even here lately, that under intense pressure I LET IT GO and spout off so I am NOT going to testify before the parole hearing, because I don’t want to give myself the opportunity to do something STUPID.
It is like if we have some sort of “fault” or “weakness” we need to learn to defend that short coming by using one of our SUPER STRENGTHS so that is what I am going to do.
None of us are great at everything, so we just play the game we are most equiped to win. If you are a sprinter, don’t run marathons and if you are a short person, don’t go out for basket ball, put your best qualities where they will SHINE and you can WIN!
We need to look at the BIGGER PICTURE and keep our GOALS in mind. Blowing off steam may feel good for the moment, but like your GF she probably paid $200,000 for the priviledge of shooting off her mouth! I’m sorry she is letting her buzzard beak over come her hummingbird butt! I hope you can get her some help and maybe get her to come here to LF. I’m glad though she has you for a friend, and I hope she listens to you, but you know, I’m coming to the conclusions that too many people don’t—and I include myself in that group, there was a time when I would not listen either.
I think some of us take our “teeanged” hard heads on into adulthood…I know I did! LOL but I’m learning!
As they say about some things (which shall be nameless) “SILENT, but DEADLY!” LOL ROTFLMAO
She also happened to mention to some key people in the divorce that she had a video of her STBX’s illicit behaviors with street prostitutes……
She did that to intimidate……
Not sure why….and I asked her WHY…..
Now she is being deposed as to a PI she MAY or MAY NOT have hired…
I think, before we do something we need to STOP….and make real clear we know WHAT we are trying to achieve from the words or statements….
If it’s intimidation…..SHUT UP!
You can intimidate from the ‘back door’ by DOING IT!!!!
If your too afraid to ‘do it’…..then still shut up…..
It’s like threatening your children….If you don’t finish your dinner, no dessert……
then serve them dessert..anyways…..
you lose credibility….
If your really trying to get a point across…..then get it across with 100% validity….
We shouldn’t hear the actual words…..we need to ‘read’ the meanings behind the words….
It always brings me back to when the Ex S stated…..”THE CAR IS NOT RUNNING”.
One would assume the car is broken down and at the shop…..needing repairs….
NO….in spath speak…..that was what he wanted the judge to believe…..but in reality HE/S didn’t see it as a lie….because his car wasn’t currently running……THE KEYS WERE NOT IN THE IGNITION!!!
Yes….my GF has been divorcing for 1.5 years and it’s coming to the end….it is imperative she SHUTS UP!!!!!!
Dig, recon, document….but keep the mouth shut!!!
Hey, Rosa,
Snakes can be very friendly and affectionate. I wish I could post a picture here of me cuddling with my snakes with their little heads under my chin!
I have been reading the posts about how to deal with anger with great interest. Tomorrow I go back to work after a 5-day break, feeling angry at a few of them. I am trying to decide if and how I could just distance myself from them. I don’t really want to express my anger toward them because they are work relationships. I would prefer to just distance myself. But I don’t know if this will be sufficient action to release the anger. This is my biggest problem. I am terrified of expressing anger. I’m so afraid that with work relationships, if I get angry, it could come back to bite me. It has happened once before with very dire consequences.
Dear EB,
The thing is with my kids I only bluffed my kids ONE time, and so my kids know when I said something that I DID it. I got away with the bluff because I never broke my word to them.
If you are going to bluff, you have to have a good track record in the past with NOT bluffing, AND your bluff has to be so outrageous that they dare not take a chance. I learned to be a good “horse trader” from my grandfather….the rules are that you NEVER LIE, but you don’t have to VOLUNTEER any information unless they ask you. LOL I should have kept that in mind with my dealings with psychopaths.
I DID bluff my vengeful X-BF (the one who burned his previous GF’s house) because he knew I was a “woman of my word” AND because he had seen how PROTECTIVE my sons are of me, so he BELIEVED me and dared not cross the liine and burn my house or anything of the sort. I told him that if my house burned, and I SAW lightening strike it and start the fire, that my sons would still BLAME HIM and come after him. There were no witnesses of course, and my sons would NOT have, but HE DIDN’T KNOW THAT, ,so it was a great and successful BLUFF.
Generally, though, unless you are WILLING to carry through or you know the person is pretty sure you will, it is NOT A GOOD IDEA TO BLUFF, or even worse, spout off the truth!
I’ve learned that to my regret. MANY TIMES. However, I did tell my egg donor, the TH-P and my P-son that I would be there for the parole hearing. The TH-P actually believed me I know for sure, and that was though ONE REASON he changed his plans and dumped his plans with my P-son because if P-son never got out of prison, the plan wouldn’t do any good for the TH-P so he started the affair with X-DIL, and they made plans of their own to steal a lesser amount and hit the trail, leaving P-son, high and dry still in prison.
BUT, I still think P son will know I WILL be there and won’t take any chances I was just bluffing. The thing we did last time before the parole hearing though, was to hire an attorney (egg donor paid) and we prepared this LOVELY package of materials including 18 or so letters from every prominent person in the county including the SHERIFF (at the time) that WE WERE WONDERFUL PEOPLE, however, the current sheriff who is completely familiar with this whole chaotic case, I am sure will write a letter to the parole board NOW, and I can also get several of the other people who wrote letters and are familiar with the chaos to WRITE NEW LETTERS if the lawyer thinks it is a good idea. Including my psychiatrist who wrote one to my “sanity” for the court appearance with the egg donor, and so I think we can present a pretty good case for keeping the P in prison for another 5 years at least! I sure hope so. I am hopeful about this and becoming more so as I think about the logic and logistics of this.
Star, “releasing the anger” by an outburst or a direct confrontation is probably, in my opinion, not going to do you any GOOD at your job. If these people do not like you, and are trying to get you to be miserable (and are succeeding) the best thing in my humble opinion, is to give them the “I didn’t notice you were being an a$$hole” routine. Don’t let them SEE YOU BLEED. Don’t let them know they have gotten to you. I know it is hard, but come here and SCREAM and vent, we will listen, we will care…but they don’t. Hang in there sweet cheeks! (((Hugs)))) Love Oxy
Kathleen,
After having gone through all of these phases successfully, what do you think started what you called a new phase in your recovery, when you started focusing more on yourself?
Looking back, is there a way that you think you could have jump-started into the next phase and out of the anger phase sooner, with hindsight? If so, what would it have taken to do this? Is there any advice you can give to someone who is ready to go to the next phase? If I rush into the next phase, will I be glossing over important things I can learn about my emotions? Or do you think that just my desire alone to get to the next phase and be done with it is enough to propel me into it? Because lately, I am sick to death of thinking about my ex and being angry about him and and everything and everyone I lost becuase of him. Now, I have also lost the last couple of years worrying about him and each second I waste on him is one more thing I am losing and I’m damn tired of losing things to him.
So, I am looking for practical advice on shaking free of the anger phase and moving onto the next and hopefully final stage. I appreciate any thoughts you have, Kathleen. I always learn a lot from you. Thanks, in advance.
Dear Jill,
So good to hear from you! Hope your Christmas with your baby boy was good and that you enjoyed watching him open presents and play with the boxes! Don’t they all?!!! LOL
Give him a big hug from “auntie Oxy” and I’m glad you are still working hard on your healing! (((hugs)))
Hi Oxy,
How was your Christmas? I hope you are well.
My son and I had a blast this Christmas. I did all the traditions and was really happy. It is the first time I have felt the Christmas Spirit in a few years and it was a very welcome feeling because who doesn’t need a reason to celebrate life every now and again? 🙂