Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
Fahrahri – welcome and sorry you are here but you will find some good reading here to help you on your journey to healing after this experience.
You already know the answer – cut him off. No contact – tell him you won’t be financing anything for him and you don’t want to see him anymore and you won’t be changing your mind. These people prey on us when we are vulnerable and take advantage like predators. Although it will be hard to say goodbye to him, it will be harder to get rid of him if you finance a business together. Go and read about Donna’s experience … her ex took her for $250,000 with no remorse – all lies and manipulations.
Sorry you are here but you will find good support for your journey here!
Hello Fahrhril
Welcome! glad you found your way here. Sound like you are doing all the right things to make yourself safe! Excellent!
If you are wondering what’s true – just go with, IT’S ALL LIES, okay?
first things first – block his number, block his IM and email address. block every way he has to get to you.
I am SO glad he is far away and like most broke sociopaths – he needs a source, and if you are NOT it, he can’t get to you.
Come an post and read. there are some excellent topics here that will help – use a key word search in search box under the logo on the upper left hand side of the page.
Give him no money and no access. the only business you have to take care of is your health, safety and heart!
One Step.
there is a list of red flags on Sandra Brown’s site:
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/category/thesurvivors/redflagwarnings
One of my all time favorites…. I asked him , put yourself in my shoes….(this is when I knew he truly had no Empathy what so ever)
Put yourself in my shoes….. how would you “feel” he said well
“I’m hot! you should do whatever you can to keep me”
LOL really should I now? what a great catch he was , no job, no license, but boy did he look good on the outside and he was intelligent… so smart but oh so stoopid…..
Oh and another one would never compliment me…. if I said you never tell me I look beautiful it always came down to “him” well
“your with ME arent YOU?”
Expected me to work(while he was not working he would be online all day playing games or surfing porn sites)
would not lift a finger to clean occasionally doing dishes and “teaching us how to do them properly”… telling me how to drive….what to watch on TV, what not to watch on TV…would never clean up or buy food for his “dog” he treated the dog like his possession but made me get rid of my two dogs before we moved… they were country dogs cant take them to the city yeah know….
they are so quick to judge others on how others look etc and what others do but they never actually look at themselves? Boy its great to be able to wash the dishes how I want when I want and to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself if I look good or not…
Dear Fahrahri: Like you, I too googled symptoms about the man I dated near the end of my 1.5 year relationship, and landed at Lovefraud.
Many of us who found this site did so after really struggling in a relationship with someone who, in many ways, made no sense. Few things about them were “normal” and we couldn’t initially comprehend just how deeply ingrained a personality disorder could be until we fully absorbed how the relationships affected us and were able to compare experiences.
As a starting point — based on what you’ve written — what do you think about your own words that suggest you needed his permission as follows:
“he has never allowed me to even speak to a male friend…
he always allows me to pay for everything…he would not let me wear clothes that were summer dresses if too flowy and sheer”even tho this is tx.”
Please know that I’m not judging you in any way. I’ve had to learn from my own mistakes just as everyone here is doing.
You indicate that you are a successful woman. That means you have resources within you that have assisted you in getting to where you are and that you can continue to draw on as you move forward. The manipulative man in your life cannot take credit for these qualities within you. You don’t need his validation or permission to be who you are.
Most of the women and men here can definitely be described as intelligent. When I first came here, I had already done a lot of emotional processing of my experience, and have since been able to clear up the intellectual confusion about what I actually experienced in a relationship with a N/S.
This process was expedited in many ways because I absorbed a lot of info and learned from the experiences of others on Lovefraud, using their insights and my own to arrive at the clarity I feel today.
As I move into 2010, I am no longer sad nor angry about what happened. My ex has a right to be who he is and I do too — that includes having a right to say who can take up time and space in my life, which for me now means placing more limits on interacting with toxic people whether family, friends or business contacts.
Many people on this site promote total NC, and I see the value in that. I talk to my ex occasionally, but have NC physically. The last time we talked, he asked if we could try again and I calmly said we had tried enough and needed to accept that we are simply different people.
I simply have no interest in “training” a grown man on how to have a healthy relationship. I have no illusion that I can change him or anyone else.
Mentally, I cannot respond to him anymore as a potential boyfriend or husband material. The emotional abuse during the relationship (gaslighting, silent treatment, crazy-making, confusion,etc.) became a turn-off and somehow over time, I simply stopped being interested. He violated things that were important to me — by lying (for what?), not learning from mistakes, not taking responsibility for his own issues/his life and expecting me to be to him what was impossible. It felt like too much of a burden, and I realized I could not run my life and his too.
I somehow now simply do not take him seriously — he is more like a caricature in some ways in my mind. I can laugh more about some of the crazy things that happened now. I am also comfortable honoring the positive things my ex added to my life, including loaning me money for my business, which I am on track to pay back in about 3 months now.
I no longer take what my ex did personally, and that has made a tremendous difference. The experience helped me develop stronger boundaries as well.
I trust myself more than ever. I don’t have total NC with people I do business with who are toxic, so just as I’ve learned I can’t avoid everyone who has major “issues,” I’m learning that I can remember who I am. In my interest to have respectful and decent connections, I now know I am not obligated to tolerate toxic people — I have the choice to walk away, to limit contact and decide how others will affect me. My tolerance for non-sense has become very low.
Also key for me is continuing to broaden my inner world– nurturing from within, cutting myself some slack (I had been an overachiever — the first in my family to graduate from college,etc.) and maintaining connections with diverse people with whom there is reciprocal positive regard.
In the last couple of weeks, I have had less need to talk or be understood — it simply doesn’t matter if the ex or anyone else understands me. I know I am capable of clear communication, but I am embracing silence now.
Silence no longer feels like a void after having been in a relationship with a N/S, because I understand very well that talk itself can really be cheap, when all is said and done.
Information shared by people who’ve posted on Lovefraud, as well as other websites I found info addressing N/S, helped me sort through the chaos in ways I couldn’t have done alone. It has been like attending virtual group therapy.
OxDrover often reminds new people not to underestimate the power of knowledge. There is a method to the madness of the N/S, and as you learn more about them — the common characteristics of people who are disordered — you will be able to see more clearly the red flags and your own areas of vulnerability, your upbringing, values and beliefs, your hopes, dreams and needs, as well as tap into strengths within yourself.
I wish you well as you continue a journey of awareness and growth.
Recovering how you handle them is inspiring… it seems just being confident in what you want and self assured enough not to put up with the BS….. I agree Talk is cheap most of them only have the gift of gab and no Depth to their characters as they do not have character but act like characters….. I read your post and it gave me a boost of confidence Thanks …. reminds me I am a strong independent woman with goals of my own and a purpose and direction in my life …. I know what I want and what I am not willing to put up with anymore.
Thank you all for the wonderful and helpful words !!! I find great strength in the advise and just knowing that I am not alone and not crazy nor was I ever stupid ..he was just really -really good. And what is so surprising is ALL my friends who had never even met him had him pegged from the get go and they told me he was out for my money long ago…I am so grateful that some instinct kept me from introducing him to my beautiful daughters when he was here all those months. Why i chose to ignore that feeling still shocks and amazes me. I will be living and breathing the blog and utilize all the resources here for me to disconnect from the madness and chaos . I feel like this is what its like to be an addict and now ive got to work the program and stay away from that drug (man of lies).
Thank you all again!!!!
Spirit40: Very good point you make that we need to remind ourselves that we are capable women with goals of our own, and to determine the direction we want to take in our lives, whether anyone wants to understand us or not, and without needing their approval.
Fahrahri,
Your story sounds like a neighbor of one of my best friends..
when I saw that you are in Tx… it is difficult for me not to inguire.. Dallas?
But GET CLEAR OF HIM.. you need him for nothing.. and he needs you for everything..
and yes.. all mine did was talk talk talk talk and talk about all that he was going to do… big deals.. big money and all that he was going to do for me when his ship came in…
and it never did come in.. and I bet that it never will…
it’s what is in the here and now… not the future… goals are great but we live in the here and now….
Recovery….. I identify with what you said , “Mentally, I cannot respond to him anymore as a potential boyfriend or husband material. The emotional abuse during the relationship (gaslighting, silent treatment, crazy-making, confusion,etc.) became a turn-off and somehow over time, I simply stopped being interested. He violated things that were important to me by lying (for what?), not learning from mistakes, not taking responsibility for his own issues/his life and expecting me to be to him what was impossible. It felt like too much of a burden, and I realized I could not run my life and his too.”
He bought rings to “pacify me” LOL I realized I did not want to grow old with someone like that….he wanted to pacify me but do whatever he wants behind my back, and wants to be treated like a king….. LOL while he could treat me like a piece of crap…. well I Deserve better, funny once he did say he knew I deserved better than him…. well now I beleive this too… I am working on me now… and love can come when the universe thinks I am ready……for love