Last week Lovefraud posted an article that described one woman’s experience of romantic manipulation by a sociopath. Another reader responded with advice.
This woman had been married to a narcissist, which in many ways is similar to a sociopath. Once she divorced him and started dating again, she relied on a list of red flags. “If I saw even ONE flag, the guy was OUT of my life, period,” she says. Here is her list.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8 ) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him”¦he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others”¦everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much”¦BEWARE!
By the way, the woman who compiled—and applied—this list of red flags has healed and met a wonderful man who is now her fiancé.
hello, no i am from dallas originally but i now am in austin tx.
i am just now finding out all this information and although im in shock and sad about this person that ive known via business in the beginning and a friendship first is not who he constantly said he was …im an honest faithful true and real man…i now am looking back at even though i know he is in the entertainment industry and does cast for alot of projects i just am really not sure about the level that he claims ..its just all lies it is appearing.. and i honestly feel like he had a drinking problem prior to visiting me. and of course EVERYTHING is my fault. we were long distance and he wanted to get married and move in together asap. i wanted to let it all develop. and of course he met another recently divorced attractive successful female that was he said willing to give him what he wants and its what he wanted from me all along. but now he wants to move in with me and get here now and me take care of him etc…i just have to keep my emotions in check and let my brain work for me as it does in business. i just hope and pray for the strength to let it all go and not allow this man to twist me all up again. its really very exhausting now and im literally walking around in shock …shock that there are actually people out there that do this to other people…just shocked.
Add to the list…
-Substance abuse
-ANY sign of deceit
-Comments that put you on the defense; whether about your weight, intelligence or accomplishments…what ever!
-Pity parties
I’ve been separated from the S for three years, officially divorced for two of them. (He filed to try to take me for half of my assets, alimony and child support after we’d been married for 11 months. When he found out he wasn’t getting a thing, he tried to reconcile) I have been open to dating, after taking a year and a half to heal, but can’t seem to find a one that doesn’t violate the list in some way shape or form. But I’d rather be alone, in the company of a few good friends, then in another toxic relationship!
I’m an attractive, highly energetic, successful and independently financially sound woman. It seems most men either want to break me, use me or worship me while they secretly resent me with passive aggression…but that’s not new. I’m just no longer willing to combat or settle with either, any more.
Duped
Duped you just reminded me of another sign that i felt weird about all this time…he used to always say comments such as …if i went to the dentist and id say no problems it was like he was jealous…he will say…of course you dont have any cavities etc.. i always had a sense that even though he would compliment me on being attractive and smart etc…i always felt like he was jealous of what ive accomplished in life.
and unlike some of the other postings this person was very negative ….as i am very outgoing …he always tells me that i am attracting male friends because they all want one thing. some of my male friends were from years and years ago. yet he still would get highly upset at them leaving just a how are you doing on my fb or on a text at all. i also could only talk to my GIRLFRIENDS when he was not in my face ..which was not very often…id have to go in my closet in my own home. being yelled at in my home and i didnt like leaving him here at all by himself. so i felt so isolated. and not just when he was here …it was also when he is out of town he would constantly make sure i was available when he called . and why does he always call at a crazy time of nite….two in the morning?? just strange it is…>>>i found this site yesterday and every chance i get i am reading all this info so that i can stay on track ..because it is at the early stage of me trying to really stay away and i dont want to fall back into the trap ! i can only pray that i stay strong and keep reading all the posts …
Dear Fahrahri,
Welcome to Love Fraud, I hope you will stay around and suggest that you go back and read all the archived articles. Knowledge=Power and that is the way to take back our power.
Learn all you can and again, welcome!
Duped, AMEN! ANY sign of dishonesty, “anger issues” or signs of entitlement! OUT the door!
Banana: here’s the post: ‘The psychopath’s bewildering ways of talking’
Duped.. Same here… It’s like they want you and what I am but at the sametime want to take me down a peg..
I agree with all you wrote and
Frahrahi… those feelings that you have while he is in your house..LISTEN TO THEM…
you’re going into a closet in YOUR OWN HOUSE to talk on the phone… that is absurd…
Just like mine after thanking me for doing his laundry in my house.. got angry when I didn’t respond “You’re welcome” to him….
Girls WAKE UP.. we don’t need these controlling insecure boys…
You teach someone how to treat you by how you allow them to treat you and what you will put up with…
WE DO NOT NEED THEM ot their behavior…
If they are making you feel bad about who you are, when you are great…
take a look at them and say… BYE BYE!
I just did something stupid. I went into facebook for the first time ever. Typed in his named, scrolled down and walah! there he was. The profile photo is one I took of him on a trip to colorado. Made my skin crawl to look at it. Of course I had to look at his wall and friends etc, his comments – oh well puke puke puke – he’s doing fine – no mention of me…LOL..I saw something that said BLOCK this user – so I clicked on that for sure. Me? no photo on facebook – I dont remember signing up – but I was there too~! Will somebody boink me please?
style 1,
I dated a guy, an engineer, who on the first date called me “arrogant”…but still wanted another. We dated for five months after, which shows you I hadn’t fully developed the list yet.
During that time, he made comments about my weight and made a crack every time I ate so much as a piece of chocolate. I’m 5’5” and 138lbs, much of which is muscle since I’ve been an athlete most of my life…size 5. No lie…he said to me when I confronted him about the comments. “I prefer to be with someone thin, but it’s not a deal breaker. I fell in love with the whole package!”.
He called me once to run a technical issue past me (I have an MS in information systems and am a systems engineer by trade). When I provided him with a plausible cause he hadn’t thought of, he attacked me verbally and told me “You can be WRONG all you like!”
He can’t understand, to this day, why I broke it off. I thought I was being kind but just stating I found our relationship spiritually lacking, which was also true. It seemed tearing him down with what I really thought would be no better than what he’d been doing for months to me! I decided not to stoop…but every few months or so, he drops me a line to see how I’m doing and sniff around about any interest I may still have in him.
That’s the only guy I’ve had more than three dates with since my divorce!!! Sad that he was the best so far….call me arrogant, but I’m still not interested!!!
Hey guys…..Just a post of sharing…..2 things….
I GOT MY “SINGING PUPPY’ today!!!!
We are on cloud nine!!!
She’s a Black German shepard/Lab X….14 months…..
I decided this time around, for pet ownership…..it’ll be a bit different!
She isn’t just the family pet….she’s a deterrent.
Although she’s a rescue, and she is as sweet as can be…..we accessorized her intimidatingly…..harness, black studded colar…etc…
We didn’t get the pink diamond colar with razzle dazzle….
I am making my new dog a Sociopath. It’ll be all about the appearance, the facade! 🙂
I’ve already ‘stretched’ her reputation.
Although…..I have heard her bark….holy shit…..if I was on the other side of the door…..I sure wouldn’t enter! She’s got one hell of a MEAN sounding deep G. Shepard bark…..
I told the kids……here’s the story…..(sociopathic for sure!….)
They should tell people the dogs their mothers (implying it’s not the family ‘pet’)…..(no parent would get a mean security dog for a child)….
We decided it would ‘sound better’ if asked what breed she was……to respond a ‘HYBRID’ black german shepard (leave the ‘nice lab part out). (also sounds official…..like she has a ‘title’)
With our old dog…..when someone asked if she was nice, we went out of our way to ease their fears of her….oh yes, she’s a kitten, shel’l lick you to death…….
This time around, NOT SO…..the answer needs to be, she’s a trained security dog…..
It’s not ‘really’ lying…..it’s sociopathically strrreeeeettttccchhhiiiiinnnnggggggg the truth…..
🙂
I have hung security dog signs around the property and we took her into town today to ‘be seen’…..
The s ex is terrified of mean dogs…and she sure looks mean…..his trojans in town ‘noticed’ me with the dog today and ALL stayed back!!!
🙂
She looks like a police dog…..
Rumor has it (from trojans)…..I now work for the DA’s office?????? WTF?? Okay, whatever!
But, I ain’t gonna be the one to dispell this one! HAHAHAHAHA
Think what ya like……
I just want to offer another ‘layer’ of intimidation from the S…..
I’m not even going to appologize for ‘raising’ a front of a puppy…..
SHe’s adorable, awesome and I’m gonna throw the intimidation shit right back out there to the sociopaths……I CAN MESS WITH YA’ll TOO!!!!
Wanna hear her bark?
SHe MAY eat you!!!
ITEM #2.
When we got home from the shelter….I received an email…..
Remeber the ‘bus’ associate’ that was a total Cluster B…..
Soc #2 and his GF soc. #3……went to court and kicked their asses also…..a few months back…..
Well…..guess what….the email was from a cop here…..guess who he arrested last night…..HAHAHAHA
Soc #3….FOR Grand theft auto……they stole a car out of Vegas (rental) and have had it since AUG.
This is a perfect example of how the law doesn’t always work HOW it should….but eventually if we don’t cow down and we keep ‘talking’ and exposing……well…..someone pays attention!
I met with the next victim of Soc #2 and #, after me…..we ‘teamed up’…..I gave her all I had on them….which was substantial…..and she shared it with a cop she was dealing with locally…..he noticed the car she had described to him, driving over the mtn. last night and pulled it over…..
I provided her a photo of them also…..she passed copies along to this cop……cop recognized them, car etc…..she was giving him a con story, ran plates and BOOM…..na, na, na……goodbye……..
So….plan C….now they can both be served, (because they NOW got married) by only one being served……our court docs IN JAIL!!!!!
Plan D…..contact homeland security and VISA folks to let them know about the criminal history of this woman…..who applied and was granted a visa to come to our country and CON our govmt and private citizens……..
FUCK her……if I can’t get health ins……well….hmmmm SHE AINT” GONNA GET IT OFF MY TAX”S!!!
Really a bummer….ya know…..if they’d of just paid me the money they owed and played by the contract we had……I wouldn’t have been so apt to…… well…..Play socoipath on them…….and expose them, hunt them down and turn over all criminal documents/proof I had to the victim #2 and the police and courts…..
Hmmmmmm, seems like 2010 ain’t looking so bright after all!
Wanna pet my puppy?
BTW….she was arrested and held as a flight risk!