Red Flags of Love Fraud #1: Charisma and charm

Because the word “sociopath” is often used to describe criminals and murderers, you may expect these people to have angry, foul temperaments, and they often do. But that comes later, after they have their hooks in you. When you first meet them, many sociopaths have an attractive, appealing energy about them. They demonstrate their interest in you through lavish attention, flattery and kindness. That’s why the first Red Flag of Love Fraud is, “Charisma and charm.”

My second book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, reveals the tactics of social predators who pursue romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. There’s a lot more understanding of antisocials, narcissists and psychopaths now than when I published the book back in 2012. Still, everyone needs to understand the red flags, so let’s review them.

My book is based on a survey that I conducted — the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey. It included a preliminary list of the “10 signs you’re dating a sociopath” that I formulated based on what readers told me about their experiences. One objective of the survey was to validate the list. For the “charisma and charm” item, fully 91.5 percent of respondents agreed that their partners, who turned out to be sociopaths, exhibited charisma and charm. 

The hidden agenda

These attributes, of course, are not necessarily bad. Charisma is often a characteristic of a strong, inspiring leader, and synonyms for charming include delightful, lovable, amiable, engaging and 40 additional positive adjectives. 

The problem with charisma and charm in sociopaths is the hidden agenda. These people use their magnetic personalities to deceive, manipulate and exploit. This is readily apparent in the Lovefraud survey, as people described the appeal of sociopaths in the beginning of their relationships, and how the relationships ended: 

THE APPEAL: His charm and what seemed like total honesty. Instant chemistry on meeting. 

THE END: He was a manipulative, controlling monster, who portrayed himself to be a God-fearing, loving Christian.

THE APPEAL: Her charisma and confidence. Everything was charming; she was sweet, always overly attentive to my needs. 

THE END: She will be so mean and abusive toward me that all I could do was to leave. Then she’ll come back and say I was too sensitive, I had no sense of humor, that I was bad tempered. She was blaming me for everything. I felt guilty and came back. It was like that until I became aware of her madness.

Personal magnetism

Charisma describes personal magnetism — sociopaths exude a mixture of enthusiasm and self-confidence that is often irresistible. They are seductive, and not only in a sexual way. With their flair, finesse and glibness, sociopaths convince their targets — that would be you — to accept their ideas and plans. You may find yourself doing what the sociopath wants, and pushing way outside of your comfort zone in the process.

How do they do it? How do sociopaths convince you to go along with their agendas, even to your own detriment?

They command it. This is a function of their charisma — because they command unflinchingly, with complete self-confidence, they get results. Now, this doesn’t mean sociopaths are always barking orders. Often the commands are delivered on cushions of sweetness, or camouflaged as appeals for sympathy. But in their minds, whatever sociopaths want, they are totally entitled to have. Therefore, when they make their desires known, they show no doubt, only certainty. Compliance is demanded, and targets respond.

Overabundance of ego

Related to the sociopathic charisma is an overabundance of ego. In fact, “egocentric and grandiose” is a key symptom of the disorder identified by Dr. Robert Hare, a Canadian psychology researcher who is a preeminent expert in the field. In the Lovefraud survey, 68 percent of respondents said their romantic partners had enormous egos. 

A big ego doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is a sociopath — plenty of people in the world are highly accomplished and their egocentricity is justified. The key difference with sociopaths is that they hold inflated views of themselves whether they deserve it or not. If their actual life accomplishments are thin, sociopaths simply pad their resumes with lies.

But they tell the lies so charmingly. Charm is how sociopaths soften you up, paving the way for using you. Sociopaths work their charm through their extraordinary verbal skills. Usually they are smooth talkers — always have an answer; never miss a beat. Witty, clever, articulate — they can talk you into giving them what they want, and they know it. 

Great with words

These people walk into a room and they’re “on” — especially if the room is full of potential targets. Sociopaths thoroughly understand that appearing friendly, helpful, interested and solicitous helps them ingratiate themselves with others. If they’re looking to use anyone or anything, these people pour on the sweetness and concern — at least in the beginning.

“He was so great with words,” one survey respondent wrote. “He knew what to say and he knew how to say it. He totally swept me off my feet.”

Charisma and charm by itself doesn’t mean someone is a sociopath — you need to see a pattern of Red Flags of Love Fraud. I’ll explain more of them in upcoming articles.

To understand how sociopaths hook you and why you fall for it, get Red Flags of Love Fraud and the Red Flags of Love Fraud workbook, available in the Lovefraud Store.