This semester I am teaching a course on personality and psychopathology to graduate students in counseling. I am very excited about this course and am considering making it available online to everyone. I sat down with a colleague this week and explained the content of the course. During that conversation the topic of gender differences in personality came up. My colleague said something like, “Yeh, we expect men to compete, sometimes act aggressively and to spread their seed, women are biologically preprogrammed to stay put and to nurture.”
I countered by saying , “While that formulation has some truth, we often fail to appreciate that females also have aggressive tendencies rooted in their biology.” For every social mammal there are two opposing tendencies- affiliation/affection and competition/dominance. The manner in which males and females compete and establish dominance may be different, but the drive for dominance is present in females as well as males. Furthermore, the drive for dominance can lead to violence and aggression in females. For example, while female chimpanzees readily affiliate and form groups to go and forage for food, they have to be on guard with respect to one another. Infanticide is not all that uncommon, female chimps will kill their friend’s babies. Scientists say this is their way of reducing the competition for food.
I explain all this to wake you up to the fact that antisocial and aggressive tendencies are part of being female. Females of social species also have to compete for limited resources (food, territory and mates) and sometimes that competition gets nasty. My hope is that eventually the human brain systems involving this competition and aggression will become vestigial organs kind of like the appendix. However for humans today, the brain motivational system that makes us want to compete and dominate is quite functional. It is this brain system that leads to antisocial behavior- behavior that harms others and so disrupts our social order.
Studies of antisocial behavior in women indicate that it has a strong genetic component. Women whose lives are characterized by pervasive antisocial behavior are more likely than men to have offspring with the same pattern. That is true even when children are given up for adoption at birth.
Women have pervasive antisocial behavior when they harm and exploit nearly everyone in their lives. When this antisocial behavior is present in young girls, it carries with it a worse prognosis than it does for boys.
For Driven to Do Evil I put together the following chart regarding antisocial behavior:
|
Antisocial Behaviors
|
|
| Manipulation | Cheating |
| Lying | Sexual coercion |
| Non-verbal intimidation | Rape |
| Verbal intimidation/threats | Thievery/robbery |
| Coercive control | Assault |
| Social aggression | Murder |
If you consider these behaviors, none of the very antisocial behaviors on the left are illegal or violent. In fact most antisocial behaviors are not violent. Studies show that while there are gender differences in violent antisocial behavior there are not gender differences in non-violent antisocial behavior. A woman who is pervasively antisocial is less likely to be criminal but all of her relationships center around manipulating, lying and intimidating as a means of dominating others. Some female “caretaking behaviors” can also fall under the category of coercive control.
Sexual coercion and rape are less commonly perpetrated by women. However, we should all appreciate the fact that for the victims of these assaults the behaviors are all too common.
This week someone wrote in asking about borderline personality disorder in women and its relationship to sociopathy/psychopathy. My answer is to look at the list of antisocial behaviors above. To the extent that a woman diagnosed with borderline personality has pervasive antisocial behavior as manifested by behaviors on that list, she is also a sociopath/psychopath.
This week I also had the honor of speaking with a man who calls himself BloggerT7165. He is probably the nation’s leading expert on antisocial behavior in women. He developed this expertise through personal, educational and occupational experience. I highly recommend his blog: What about when mom is the abuser?
BloggerT7165 has posted his personal story on his blog. He says, “What about when MOM is the abuser and is a psychopath and malignant narcissist? I ask those questions because that is exactly what my childhood consisted of. I will give a brief background so you can understand where I am coming from and my own biases and experiences.” I’ll let you read the rest of his story yourself. He also discusses cases of female rapists and child molesters.
I told Mr. BloggerT7165 that he is a treasure to me. I hope all you ladies will take note of this. In spite of all his horrific experiences with women my new friend does not believe that “all women are jerks.” He has also had the inner strength to overcome his own genetics/temperament, make good choices and to be very productive. He is a valued worker, cherished husband and devoted father.
BloggerT7165 is a victor not a victim.
I receive many letters from people (primarily women) who are stuck. I try as best I can to motivate them to get unstuck. These victims have a whole host of excuses as to why they can’t function or work on their own recovery. Many women are also stuck in the belief that “all men are jerks.”
If you are stuck, please consider the example of the boy who was raised by an antisocial, psychopathic mother but who still knew in his heart that loving is the source of meaning in human life. He will tell you that overcoming being a victim in order to become a victor takes work. We make a choice to do that work or not.
Choose today to heal your own ability to love and pursue your own well-being. Don’t wait for that monetary settlement, child custody or some other act of the legal system. Start today. See a therapist if you need to. Set small daily goals and a few larger long term goals for yourself. A year from now the Earth will have gone around the sun one more time, and you will have either made progress or not”¦that is up to you!
.”These victims have a whole host of excuses as to why they can’t function or work on their own recovery. ”
Their reasons are not excuses. Trauma is real, and everyone processes it differently. Those in the helping profession often tireof helping, get frustrated with those “stuck” well imagine how tired the stuck are?
Yes, we must move on, but we aren’t moving on due to imaginary excuses. The issues are real, huge and exhausting an primarily focus upon abandonment. Sucking it up- doesn’t work. And maybe you do yoga, eat right, pray and still, like Jobe there you are.
Suffering, loneliness are not sins. They actaully can be redemptive, akin to how precious metals are purified.
Thank you for the kind words Dr. Leedom.
Holywatersalt what you say is correct for some. What Dr. Leedom has said is also correct for some. There are people out there who don’t just get stuck, they want to stay right where they are. It is a sad reality but it is a fact.
It is also a fact that the issues are real, huge and exhausting and often painful. Because of this some clients do come come up with various explanations as to why they do not want to go through all of that to work on their issues. For some they think the the pain they know is better than taking the risk of the unknown pain of working on their issues. Often they are also angry themselves and feel bad for feeling that way. They should be angry but they should not turn the anger into bitterness or on themselves which is something that happens all to often.
Although trauma is real, of course, and IMHO the first few months afterwards it is helpful to talk about it alot, but when it continues to dominates practically your every conversation with friends or is constantly in your thoughts later on, IMO, sometimes it is more of a habit (something to talk about with friends and complain about) because you haven’t been finding other interesting things to do in life that you can talk about. That is not to say you won’t sometimes have triggers, but what worked for me anyway, was learning how to manage those triggers and intrusive thoughts.
I’ve mentioned Dr. Carver’s articles on counselling resources website before, but he also has one on emotional memory and how that functions, and how to manage intrusive thoughts. Once I read that and not just read it, but DID what he said, I no longer sat around letting thoughts about what all happened with my P run (or ruin) my day.
Sometimes it, too, seems to boil down to the choices made after being victimized, like whether you start work on constructive solutions to problems, or destructive crutches to cope such as drinking too much booze or start dating again too soon without working on your own issues first, which just magnifies your problems. Something I found helpful was forcing myself to take up new hobbies and interests, which ended up being a good thing because now I really DO have something else to talk about instead of the same ol’ wash and repeat stories about my P (which I’m sure friends are sick of hearing anyhow).
I like to journal about the relationship (to try to spot red flags I missed and figure out why I reacted like I did to some stuff), but I try to set aside a specific amount of time to do that and only think about it then. And I like to occasionally read and participate in this website and one other on on msn.
I made a decision that I am not going to date for at least a year after my relationship with the P ended. For me (and I am in my 50’s) this is the first time in my life I have not felt like I needed to have a man in my life. First, I wanted to work on me and figure out why I didn’t get the hell out of that relationship when all those redflags started popping up all over the place. And I wanted to take the time to get to really see what I am all about, what I really like and dislike etc.
I have found all sorts of interesting things to do–hobbie wise–and find things I really like to do that I had no idea I liked! Second, after a P, for me it seemed foolish for me to attempt to date right now, for several reasons. But one of them, I think I need to give myself time to heal and not put myself out there still in a vulnerable position which might very well attract another socio. Second, even if I met the most wonderful man on earth, who was normal, am I emotionally healed enough to recognize that, and is it fair to the man to have to cope with ME during my healing process. By that I mean, yeah we need to learn the signs of a socio, but I don’t want to still be so emotionally raw that some guy might do just a normal guy thing (that I dont like) and I’m in the mentality of seeing a socio behind every bush and get caught up in that mode of thinking either.
I don’t think you ever really forget or “get over” the trauma, but in spite of it not being easy,I do feel you can move on and have a productive good life in spite of what happened. Just call me stubborn, but my P told me he “won” and how my life was gonna be crap and I was too stupid to do better, and I’d never be able to do this or that blah blah (puke). If I just sit around and moan about all I left behind, lost financially, and how I will never be able to have a good life again and get over it, well, I probably won’t. And to me, if I don’t work hard on repairing my life and making it a good life, then HE HAS WON and still has control over me. And I’ll be damned if that is gonna happen. I’M winning this one!
I think everyone should “try” to look at life differently. Defending being stuck “comfortability of it, even though it is painful and not good for you” is not what is being offered. What is being offered is to trust a compassionate therapist to work with you to see the beauty of life again, not what some manipulator in your life conditioned you how to view their world and/or not to continue relying on your own negative thinking.
Did you ever hear the saying “life is easy, people make it difficult”? Meaning, it’s how you view life that makes up your life. You can view it through negative thinking or you can view it through positive thinking. Life can be miserable or beautiful, depending how YOU want to view itl. Your choice. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
Peace.
Whoever came up with this notion that women are not aggressive… it must’ve been men!
MANY women are aggressive, and see other women as nothing but competition for men. There’s way too many women like that, in my opinion. Of course many men don’t see it, because they’re not the ones in competition – they’re the prizes (whether it be for financial dependency, companionship, social status, or emotional needs). So they don’t see it. Because they’re not usually the ones in the line of fire when one of these women has her aim on a target & thinks someone’s in the way. It’s usually other women they see as obstacles to getting what they want.
I’ve seen this happen since I was a kid.
And of women like that… there were always a few that really stood out as really having something really wrong with them.
I remember the one from gradeschool – whoah she was a piece of work. And then another girl in high school. And most people recognized that there was something unusually aggressive & competitive about these girls. Something weird. Most people would steer clear, but they’d always have their core followers.
But again, of course not as many MALES noticed it. Even in gradeschool, that girl had some boys wrapped around her finger – with pure unveiled dominance. I remember on the igloo shaped monkey bars, she got underneath one of the boys she was “friends” with, and grabbed his legs & pulled until he screamed bloody murder because the bar was cramming up into his testacles. She did this kind of violent abuse to him regularly. Yet he always hung around with her anyway. It was dumbfounding to some of us, at least. Even in kindergarten, this girl was manipulative, cheated, lied, used all types of intimidation direct & indirect, verbal & physical, threats, was controlling, assaulted classmates (though only boys – the girls she manipulated emotionally) – and she was suspected of stealing on a couple of occasions. And when she was put in a situation where she didn’t have control, and wasn’t able to do what she did normally (in a situation outside of school) – she went hysterical crying for her parents.
I can’t even imagine what this girl is like now, 30 years later.
I disagree that sociopaths & borderlines are the same though. Though many of the behaviours might be similar… There’s a big difference. Borderlines are often motivated by shame and guilt. Which is at least partly why I think they’re easy pickins for sociopaths. Sociopaths have no such feelings. They are without conscience.
Having said that, abuse is abuse, no matter who does it – it’s wrong. And if someone is being a manipulative caretaker, it doesn’t mean you should put up with it, just because they’re not a psychopath. Just because someone has a conscience, doesn’t mean you have to put up with their bull!
As for “these victims” – IE: the ones that think ALL MEN ARE JERKS – or all women are… well, I think the women are as bad as the men who think they’re “nice guys” and think all women are b’s, or like they’re men to be a-holes… Well, look up “Heartless B*tches” web site, and their articles on “nice guys”. The thing is – I have ALWAYS thought there are an equal number of so-called “nice women” who are like that too. They’re NOT so nice, not really. They’re stuck because they want control & aren’t getting what they want, not because they’re traumatized.
Here’s the cartoon that sums up the problem with so-called “nice guys” (and certainly applies to so-called “nice girls”).
http://edutainmenteng.wordpress.com/2007/12/14/why-nice-guys-are-often-such-losers/
Check it out – how NICE is that guy REALLY?
No, he’s just someone not getting what he wants! He doesn’t care about the feelings of the girl he’s whining to.
And women can be like that too. Self-centered emotional users.
I read the When Mom is the Abuser and I have to say it was mind blowing. My mouth dropped open when I read about the woman and the 8 year old boy. Blogger T7165, I also read your story, and I just wanted to say I admire your courage, attitude, and spirit. I’ll be visiting your blog again.
Dear BloggerT,
I am a retired Registered Nurse Practitioner with both family medical practice and mental health background, and indeed, I have seen so many patients and clients that were “stuck.”
At the time, I was frustrated with these patients and their lack of willingness or ability to “unstick” themselves. I think your comment about the “known” pain vs the “unknown” pain is also right on. I’ve also seen women who would return again and again to horribly abusive men, or choose another one just like the first one–over and over. In fact, I felt that I was “superior” to these women who were abused by the men they were married to or living with, and yet, I wasn’t at all “superior,” as my P-son was continuing to abuse me and I was “falling for” it just as these women were with their abusers—I was STUCK, but didn’t see the “log in my own eye” though I could clearly (I thought) see the “splinter” in theirs.
Having let the scales fall from my eyes, I have started to “unstick” myself and make the changes in myself that are necessary for me to go from victim to victor, but I IS A DIFFICULT PROCESS. A painful process, and one that requires a great deal of work, self examination, spiritual introspection and even pain.
I have more empathy now for these people who are “stuck” in abusive relationships and and stuck in pain, fear and denial.
I no longer feel superior to them in any way, realizing that I too was stuck ***STUCK** in denial and pain for years and years. Having said that though, I realized that the ONLY way to be “saved” was to SAVE MY?SELF. No one else could do it for me, no one else could rescue me. It’s been a long struggle through the mire and the muck, the pain and the self doubt, but I’m on the way—for the first time in my life, living FREE OF PSYCHOPATHS AND ENABLERS.
Your blog site BloggerT is quite nice, thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank you for this article it is very informing. I also went to the blog web site. God it makes me sick so I will have to research over time…
I too had parents that were emotionally unavailable to me. A father who was (now deceased) a alcoholic but a father that loved his children. Who when under the influence was also physically abusive. A mother who was absent from her children life and suffered, I believe from a personality disorder (also deceased).
But being a ward of the state. I didn’t spend my entire childhood with both parents and soon learned from others who show me that one has chooses and can live a happy emotional stable life if only one learns about these chooses and heal from past mistakes. I took to heart what was offer to me by both therapy and spiritual guidance and learned to become that which I am today. I thank God each day that he gave me this chance to change things in my life. My only regret is that most if not all of my siblings who had the same chance didn’t take that which was offered. With that stated we all have two paths to travel. One to stay a victim the other to become a survivor. Which will you choose dear readers?
Jen2008
“I’ve mentioned Dr. Carver’s articles on counselling resources website before, but he also has one on emotional memory and how that functions, and how to manage intrusive thoughts. Once I read that and not just read it, but DID what he said, I no longer sat around letting thoughts about what all happened with my P run (or ruin) my day.”
I read that too and yes it worked for me as well!