This semester I am teaching a course on personality and psychopathology to graduate students in counseling. I am very excited about this course and am considering making it available online to everyone. I sat down with a colleague this week and explained the content of the course. During that conversation the topic of gender differences in personality came up. My colleague said something like, “Yeh, we expect men to compete, sometimes act aggressively and to spread their seed, women are biologically preprogrammed to stay put and to nurture.”
I countered by saying , “While that formulation has some truth, we often fail to appreciate that females also have aggressive tendencies rooted in their biology.” For every social mammal there are two opposing tendencies- affiliation/affection and competition/dominance. The manner in which males and females compete and establish dominance may be different, but the drive for dominance is present in females as well as males. Furthermore, the drive for dominance can lead to violence and aggression in females. For example, while female chimpanzees readily affiliate and form groups to go and forage for food, they have to be on guard with respect to one another. Infanticide is not all that uncommon, female chimps will kill their friend’s babies. Scientists say this is their way of reducing the competition for food.
I explain all this to wake you up to the fact that antisocial and aggressive tendencies are part of being female. Females of social species also have to compete for limited resources (food, territory and mates) and sometimes that competition gets nasty. My hope is that eventually the human brain systems involving this competition and aggression will become vestigial organs kind of like the appendix. However for humans today, the brain motivational system that makes us want to compete and dominate is quite functional. It is this brain system that leads to antisocial behavior- behavior that harms others and so disrupts our social order.
Studies of antisocial behavior in women indicate that it has a strong genetic component. Women whose lives are characterized by pervasive antisocial behavior are more likely than men to have offspring with the same pattern. That is true even when children are given up for adoption at birth.
Women have pervasive antisocial behavior when they harm and exploit nearly everyone in their lives. When this antisocial behavior is present in young girls, it carries with it a worse prognosis than it does for boys.
For Driven to Do Evil I put together the following chart regarding antisocial behavior:
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Antisocial Behaviors
|
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| Manipulation | Cheating |
| Lying | Sexual coercion |
| Non-verbal intimidation | Rape |
| Verbal intimidation/threats | Thievery/robbery |
| Coercive control | Assault |
| Social aggression | Murder |
If you consider these behaviors, none of the very antisocial behaviors on the left are illegal or violent. In fact most antisocial behaviors are not violent. Studies show that while there are gender differences in violent antisocial behavior there are not gender differences in non-violent antisocial behavior. A woman who is pervasively antisocial is less likely to be criminal but all of her relationships center around manipulating, lying and intimidating as a means of dominating others. Some female “caretaking behaviors” can also fall under the category of coercive control.
Sexual coercion and rape are less commonly perpetrated by women. However, we should all appreciate the fact that for the victims of these assaults the behaviors are all too common.
This week someone wrote in asking about borderline personality disorder in women and its relationship to sociopathy/psychopathy. My answer is to look at the list of antisocial behaviors above. To the extent that a woman diagnosed with borderline personality has pervasive antisocial behavior as manifested by behaviors on that list, she is also a sociopath/psychopath.
This week I also had the honor of speaking with a man who calls himself BloggerT7165. He is probably the nation’s leading expert on antisocial behavior in women. He developed this expertise through personal, educational and occupational experience. I highly recommend his blog: What about when mom is the abuser?
BloggerT7165 has posted his personal story on his blog. He says, “What about when MOM is the abuser and is a psychopath and malignant narcissist? I ask those questions because that is exactly what my childhood consisted of. I will give a brief background so you can understand where I am coming from and my own biases and experiences.” I’ll let you read the rest of his story yourself. He also discusses cases of female rapists and child molesters.
I told Mr. BloggerT7165 that he is a treasure to me. I hope all you ladies will take note of this. In spite of all his horrific experiences with women my new friend does not believe that “all women are jerks.” He has also had the inner strength to overcome his own genetics/temperament, make good choices and to be very productive. He is a valued worker, cherished husband and devoted father.
BloggerT7165 is a victor not a victim.
I receive many letters from people (primarily women) who are stuck. I try as best I can to motivate them to get unstuck. These victims have a whole host of excuses as to why they can’t function or work on their own recovery. Many women are also stuck in the belief that “all men are jerks.”
If you are stuck, please consider the example of the boy who was raised by an antisocial, psychopathic mother but who still knew in his heart that loving is the source of meaning in human life. He will tell you that overcoming being a victim in order to become a victor takes work. We make a choice to do that work or not.
Choose today to heal your own ability to love and pursue your own well-being. Don’t wait for that monetary settlement, child custody or some other act of the legal system. Start today. See a therapist if you need to. Set small daily goals and a few larger long term goals for yourself. A year from now the Earth will have gone around the sun one more time, and you will have either made progress or not”¦that is up to you!
Beverly, but they do commit crimes … due to their survival tactics. That’s why all the chaos in the world and no one can get through to them. It’s because we are talking with them on adult levels, when our conversations should be talking with them on the child level … where they spiritually are.
Read through the bloggs that have already been written. Look through the pain of the writers and read they have cars bought for them, they’ve stolen money, they’ve used credit cards without permission, they’ve taken items out of the spouse’s/lover’s homes, they’ve gotten mortgages put in their names … etc. Survival tactics … children surviving in an adult world … but they are not adults … they are spiritually stunted at children’s ages for whatever they had to endure.
Peace
Oxy: That is what I am saying. Stop looking at them as the chronological age they come into the system … and see them as the child they truly are. If law enforcement looked at them as children instead of harden adults criminals … think how adults would be able to communicate with them now.
I think the judge was right … that elderly judge calling all the men that were in his court room that day …”son”. He knew he was dealing with children, no matter what the chronological age the prisoner was.
I remember thinking “oh brother, they do the crime and now they get babysat” … that was my arrogance thinking this way … then working through the pain … getting your compassion back, seeing life with different eyes … they are children. That’s why it’s so crazy when they are about to leave … the stolen money, stolen cars, stolen items from your house, using your credit cards or stealing them too… they are children taking what they need to survive. Our horror, shock, pain comes from assuming we are dealing with adults … when we work through the pain … we can see them in the true light that they are … children, doing this chaos for survival purposes. You’re throwing them out, or telling them to get out … they (as children) say, oh, oh, now they’ve got to find another place to live. They sleep with us because they know most adults sleep with each other … that’s a means to an end too. So, they find the next partner to live with … move in with them … because they’ve been going through this scenario for years, they expect to get thrown out … they are kids stealing and doing all this … because they look at us … welll, you’re an adult, you can make more, you can buy more, you can get this or that.
It’s how you look at the scenarios.
Peace.
Peace.
The difference is, Wini, is that children can GROW UP, these Ps are NEVER GOING TO GROW UP, they are never going to develop a conscience, or to develop impulse control, they are going to REMAIN “stunted” forever. Lock them up and throw away the key…keep them off the streets. Dealing with them as “children” or seeing them as “children,” to me, sets the tone of “they can’t help it, the poor little babies”—I see them as EVIL INCARNATE, Satan’s spawn, who CHOOSE not to change their behavior because they LIKE THEMSELVES AS THEY ARE.
I see as a “child” the person who is mentally retarded so much that he cannot make rational decisions to do right or wrong. THAT person deserves to be seen and treated as a child who is not responsible for his/her own actions, that person might have to be confined for their own or the protection of society from their behavior, but not in a PRISON situation. The psychopaths, however, CAN make decisions of right vs wrong, and they continually choose to do WRONG knowing it is WRONG.
A five year old who kills his playmate (even if on purpose) I would not send to prison for life. That child at that age, even if they “meant” to kill that playmate doesn’t even have a real concept that death is permanent. How can they be held accountable for their “murder” of their playmate?
But the adult who knows what death is, and knows that killing is “wrong” who purposely chooses to kill some one (my P-son for example) should never be turned loose on society again. He will kill again if he gets out. Not might, but WILL kill again. He has learned nothing from the punishment of prison, he is not reformed, and has no more impulse control than he did the day he went into prison. But he can quote the Bible and every major philosophy in the world verbatim.
My P-son is not a “stunted” child, he is a TWISTED ADULT, though some children (at some ages) lack impulse control, or ability to see that their behavior is harmful, my P-son KNOWS HIS BEHAVIOR is harmful, he just doesn’t CARE. That is the difference between them being “stunted children” and “twisted adults with some of the characteristics of young children, like lack of impulse control.
We may be “talking about the same thing” or have a
“dispute” in semantics, but to me there is a BIG difference between a “child in an adult’s body” and a “Twisted adult”—I would deal with them differently, and the MR person is the “child in an adult’s body” and should be treated as a young child, but a psychopath to me is a TWISTED ADULT, and should be treated as an ADULT who has CHOICES, but chooses to make the wrong ones.
Oxy, I’m not arguing with you. I know there are some people, no matter how you get through to them (if you can get through to them) … their anger is so deep, we haven’t a clue how to tape into it to get them to heal.
I do know for a fact … right from my ex-brother-in-laws mouth ( AA counselor … who could only be a counselor because he is a recovering alcoholic) … said to me when I asked … what is it that hooks people to alcohol or drugs? I smoke cigarettes, so I assume I know, but I never got hooked on drugs or alcohol. He told me, that their addiction is due to selfishness. Pure and simple. They spin everyone around and whine and complain and make up exuses … using everyone in this way … so they can get their fix, their selfish fix. That most alcoholics drop out when they start learning how selfish they are and that for them to heal … they’ve got to apologize to the people they’ve harmed in their life for the soul purpose of getting their drug of choice. He also informed me, that the person is stunted at the age they started drinking. I know this is true, I’ve got friends in their 50’s and 60’s … they started drinking around 10, they argue and do crazy things in their lives like a 10 year old.
So, if this is true for addictions, what is going on with the anti-socials of the world … their addiction being the chaos that they cause? Roller-coaster rides … all being done by spiritually stunted children.
I agree what you saying, there are people in prison who have done some horrific, horrific crimes in life to belong behind bars … keep them away from disrupting citizens of this country’s harmony … but even them, helping them in prison, not to get out … but to see if you can break through their harden shell … if you were treating them from a child perspective than assuming they are an adult.
How could they be mature adults with the crazy ideas going through their minds???? They are so immature … they are children.
Peace.
Everybody keeps saying we don’t need anyone else to feel complete, and that’s very true. I’ve had many years of counseling and co-dependency treatment to get over that problem.
But that’s not what’s bothering me.. I don’t need or even want anybody to complete me anymore.. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin.
What I miss, need and want isn’t completion, it’s companionship. I’m a touchy-feely person, and I want someone to touch and feel. I want to make love, and feel wanted and loved. Not WORTHY of being loved, but just loved.. I want a mate. It’s natural to want this I think. My marriages were not fulfilling in this way, I was just a mom taking care of another child.
Kat,
From MY perspective, I DID need someone to “feel complete” after my husband died. I was sooooo lonely, and soooo not happy, and I felt like I had “won the lotto” when this guy started paying attention to me. I felt “old, fat, ugly, undesirable, etc etc no one will ever love me again, I’m gonna go eat worms.” LOL I really FELT that way deep deep DEEP down. I was actually ashamed of feeling that way, and of “being” that way. I mean my self esteem took a NOSE DIVE.
Of course the P played right into that. I still would LOVE TO HAVE LOVE, and cuddling from a man I loved, and everything, from companionship to my “best friend” like my husband and I had, but it isn’t a PREREQUISITE to happiness any more. Everyone I think needs HUMAN TOUCH, and most of us enjoy sexual touch, so I get my “human touch” by hugging my sons, and my friends. I’m a very touchy feely person. I’m learning to live without the sexual touch or having someone in bed with me at night, and I WOULD like those things, but at the same time, I am not interested in “friends with benefits” sort of relationships as I find that they don’t do any “good” for me, so I’ll stick to “nada” in that department until and if the “right man” comes along. Before though, I didn’t have the confidence and strength to NOT let not having the “ideal” relationship with a guy get me down. If that makes any sense with all the “double negatives.”
Kat I hear ya – I think when we need someome to complete us we end up being depleted. And most sociopaths need protection and security – and to us protection and security is part of loving someone, but not the sociopath, that is just something they use against us….
Hey, Henry, have you heard from Perky lately? Tell her to get her butt back here, we miss her!
HOpe you had a good weekend, ours was rainy, but beautiful fall weather today and predicted for a week or so.
Today I hauled off the “rescue horses”–from the tornado last spring. It was a “challenge” getting the untrained wild one onto the trailer but—hey, “I’m smarter than a horse!”—and so we got her loaded without too much muss and fuss and hauled to her new place of residence, where I hope she will at least have enough to eat, the grass was knee high!
Everything else I have touched today turned to ca-ca or is it Ka-ka? Anyway things were the pits as far as just having “stuff” go wrong one thing after another, but the GOOD part is that other than a mild frustration at things, I’m still laughing, rather than being stressed out. I know “stuff” happens, flat tires, broken dishes, etc. it isn’t any “big deal” when you aren’t stressed to the max! Learning to live essentially UN-necessary-stress-free is a challenge in itself. The “necessary” stress of just stuff “happening”–and remember Murphy was an optimist! LOL—is nothing at all, it is “small stuff” compared to what we have been through so it’s tolerable at worst!
My son and I were discussing (laughing about) “If it isn’t ONE THING, it is ANOTHER thing.” We were deciding which “thing” that happened today was the ONE THING, and which was the ANOTHER THING! We never did decide, but we sure had a good laugh trying and coming up with “who’s on first” type silly puns. Gosh, guys, it is so freaking good to not be upset by which way the wind blows, and “one thing” or “another thing” that seem to be MONUMENTAL “things” when you’ve already had all you can stand.
I wish I could reach out and hug every one of you guys! I hope you know that you and Donna, and Liane and the Steves, and M. L. and everyone on here who has written articles or posted, have helped me so much. You all have shared your pain, your trials, and your growth with me and everyone else. Thanks guys so very very much, you just don’t know how ***HOW VERY***SPECIAL this site is and how special each of you are to me. Your different views of things and different takes on things helps us all see a wider scope in our lives. Thanks again.
G’nite everyone.
Perky – get yer butt back in here!! ok Oxy I told her..! oxy I think it was a typical full moon monday, everything I did went cawcawpoopoo on me too….
Did anyone notice a positive out of all we went through because of “them”? Not only are we stronger and wiser, more compassionate and loving, but we don’t sweat the small stuff. It just rolls off our backs. Thanks Oxy for mentioning this.
Peace