With all the uproar over Arnold Schwarzenegger and his “love child,” our friend Ann over at WomenExplode.com just wrote about her own experience of a cheating husband.
Read I can relate with Maria Shriver ”¦ at WomenExplode.com.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
eb-yeah I am long over the man but not the shame and guilt. I have finally forced myself into counseling after the rape came up two weeks ago and it all came out. I am going to deal with it there and I hope to get rid of it. It still makes me cry because I know that is not me. I almost feel like I stepped out of my body and did that and sometimes it seems like a dream where I ask myself if I really did that. It is some of the worst pain that I’ve ever felt.
I have to say if the other woman didn’t know she was in a relationship with another man, then she is as much a victim as the wife. I never understood this, when Peterson was nabbed for killing his wife, everyone jumped on his girlfriend’s case. That poor woman had no idea he was married and as soon as she found out, she went to the police. SHE was the one who helped put him away. That took a lot of guts.
So there is at least one person out here with sympathy. I don’t blame X’s girlfriend at all, I just felt sorry for her. Yes, she knew he was in a relationship, but I’m sure she had no idea what it was really like. She didn’t know me at all. He was saying the exact same lovey dovey things to her as he was still saying to me. I think he dropped her like a hot coal once he was caught. His wacko justifications for his affair were my first tip off how crazy he is. Cheating was just a tiny tip of the iceberg.
nolarn:
I also had the woman (who was NOT his wife) in triangulation with me. It was an absolute nightmare. I will get over it, but I will never forget it. He really did a doozy on both of us. She said that it nearly destroyed her, but this was before I realized she was lying to me more than he was. She’s a compulsive lying manipulator. She is out of my life, too. I do NOT need any of it. I am so much better now without all that. That is the reward in the end…to be free of all the drama.
nolarn:
So happy to hear you are over the man. Now you are dealing with the rape in counseling and you will be fine. You are facing the demon and getting help. I am proud of you!
eb-OMG your story is JUST like mine. The same thing happened to me. She began talking to me on the phone and tried to be my friend-you know the whole keep your friends close and your enemies closer thing. It was horrible. She would get me to say things to her and then use them against me and also told me all of the horrible lies that he told her to get her to take her back, and to make her think that I wasn’t important. I confronted him about that when he called me 3 months after the discard to tie up loose ends. He admitted that all those things that he said to her about me were lies and he said-“you have to understand that I would do anything to get her back, even lie to her”. I think that she had her own set of issues to keep taking him back after he did this 4 times-I pity her because her self esteem has to be at least as bad as mine, but I can heal mine-since he’s gone from me.
eb-thanks. I also learned through the whole thing that I proved to myself that I am not bisexual and nothing but a big freakin lesbian and I will never hide that issue again. The reason that I began dating the guy who raped me was to try to prove that I wasn’t gay, when I was 21.
romanticfool no more:
Thanks so much for your support. I probably am no better as I do have to admit I knew he was married, but he was separated and feeding me all type of lies and innuendos making me believe he was not going back. You know what? In retrospect, I will take ALL the blame. But I was still conned and I will never feel bad for that. I am healing and learning.
I remember that deal with Scott Peterson and how the OW helped in getting him caught. That was great!
Of course your X was still telling you all the lovey dovey things; this is what the cheaters do. He was telling the OW the same crap. All the while, I am sure he was telling the OW that you were this and you were that. Mine told me that his wife was a bitch, they never had sex, they had nothing in common, etc. They are really something and then BAM…of course as soon as he got caught he dropped the OW like a hot potato. I have no idea what transpired there and I understand you are the wife, but think how she felt if she was in love with him? She was probably devastated. They are just evil to wreak all this havoc and then act like nothing has happened! I am fired up!
Thank you again for being sympathetic even though you were on the “other side.” 🙂
NoLA2bcop
I am with ya on the suicide thing. Actually I was so stupid but failed b/c someone moved a concrete block and I didn’t know it…
Then I came to know he wanted me to commit suicide. I thought it was MY idea, when in fact, HE was doing stuff, and then putting a loaded hairtrigger shotgun next to my bed, just in case I felt “scared”, getting me VERY drunk and putting me in the car. But I didn’t make it out of the parking lot… Giving me sleeping pills and telling me I hadn’t taken any and giving me more.
ALL Ya OW know the spath PLAYS on your guilt right? They LOVE the drama. Mine didn’t want to be IN THE DRAMA, but he LOVED instigating it and stepping back to laugh and watch the fireworks. He LOVED women fighting over him. There were OW fighting over him and he had NO intention of divorce. (He’d remind them he was married when they’d demand him to chose.) And yes, he would also USE the OW to destroy my mind. When ya live in the house, you are vulnerable in lots more ways, esp when ya deal with the rest of his family, the history, the community, your combined businesses, looking at bankrupcy and homelessness b/c of his affairs, lawsuits, the nighmare list goes on.
And for all your sacrifice, YOU MEAN NADA. Just whatever he got out of it at the time. In fact, might still be of use to him as a story to manipulate other women that are hanging around or in the future…
romanticfoolnomore-thanks very much from me too and btw, eb, mine told me all the same things that yours did about the wife. I knew he was married too and he fed me all that crap and also lovebombed my self esteem as well. He had me built up so high that I thought I could fly. He is a psycho.
When mine discarded me he said” I guess your going to try and kill yourself now”-when of course that was never something I EVER considered. He was thinking that I would try to get him to stay. I screamed at him and told him that he wasn’t worth it and that I would NEVER contemplate that over him leaving. He told me I was crazy and I said “hi pot I’m kettle, nice to meet you”. I never felt that way until I started having to deal with the shame from what I did. It brought back the shame from the rape, but I wasn’t aware of it at the time.