With all the uproar over Arnold Schwarzenegger and his “love child,” our friend Ann over at WomenExplode.com just wrote about her own experience of a cheating husband.
Read I can relate with Maria Shriver ”¦ at WomenExplode.com.
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KatyDid
eb92044
The manipulation was more complex. I think my husband was doing his typical definition trick. It was VERY important to him that he be seen as the “good” son, image is EVERYTHING to him, superior image as everyone else is a piece to be played or if not a piece, then he ignored anyone not to be used. Spath isn’t always cause/effect. Sometimes the victim is just what happens b/c what he really wanted was to dominate by mindfn, proving his superior mind. Nothing personal, people were just objects in his fun.
He defined what words meant, proving his superiority. Of course he chose OW, just as he chose me. ALL victims of his mindfn game. He liked to play with people as if we were the afternoon soap story, and he the puppeteer.
And NO the wife and kids do not mean anything either. Just a means to and end, some tools or objects that he doesn’t have to take care of b/c you know, if ya aren’t happily married, you can leave. And people BLAME you for leaving like it’s YOUR fault, he wouldn’t have cheated if you’d been a REAL woman, or if you hadn’t been a b.
skylar
OMG, this is the BEST THREAD EVER!!!
You guys are the very best. There is no way to address all of these issues in one post. a journey of a thousand miles starts with one post.
Star, you got the ball rolling, great job.
you were discussing why men might be predisposed to cheat.
Woman, they are not. Children are.
Have you ever noticed how childish so many men seem to be?
Hey what about the fact that boys take longer to mature than girls? so the longer it takes, the more chances something will go wrong.
We KNOW that spaths are emotionally arrested. Please keep that in mind at all times when contemplating spaths or men or women (so as not to offend the good men).
Star, someone who would think that titilating (sp?) their genitialia is a good reason to cheat, is just a child. Being an adult in a marriage means making sacrifices for the spouse. If husband doesn’t like oral sex then, he will learn to like it for his spouse. and vice versa, if it’s important to the sexual satisfaction of the spouse. A spouse wants desperately to please, whether male or female. If spouse doesn’t then you need a divorce, because that spouse is infantile.
And we all know that infantile means lacking in empathy.
It’s not that complicated, we only make it that way because we, ourselves are caught up in our own desires and emotions.
There is so much literature out there on narcissism, which is the root cause of sociopathy. Once you understand narcissism, it isn’t that much of a leap to get the spath. The only difference is that spath KNOWS he wants to cause suffering. His raison d’etre is to cause suffering and fear and desperation. The narcissist, just causes it as a by-product of selfishness. Beware. the spath will PRETEND to be a narcissist: “do you think, I’m inconsiderate?” said my ugly, evil, slimey spath. “no” I replied. While thinking, “you Know exactly what you’re doing.”
Joanie123
Some ladies mentioned that their spath built them up so high they could fly and than the spath dropped them. Yes, this is what they do. Actually they get a fix from being sadistic. It’s part of their pathology.
So they make you feel fantastic so when they pull the rug out from under you it hits you hard like a whammy and they can sit back and feed off the pleasure they get from your pain.
That’s how evil they are!
romanticfool no more
I don’t actually consider separated counts. If they aren’t living together, how are you to know? They don’t all go back to their wives, sadly the separated guy I met insisted on marrying me. I wish he HAD gone back to his wife…yet again. They deserved each other. It was coming off that nightmare that landed me with the sociopath. He knew just what to say and how to push my buttons, because I told him. I thought I was being honest and up front. I couldn’t understand how my previous husband LIKED to get me angry.
It’s not that hard to be the other woman. I went out with a friend and we ran into one of the guys she dated. He had one of his workers with him. Joe was a sweet guy and seemed shy. I asked the boss if the Joe was married and he said no. He also told me where they worked and to stop by. It was right on the way home from work, so I thought hey, must be legit. The boss kept buying Joe drinks and by the end of the evening we were making out.
I stopped by the job on my way home a few days later. Imagine my surprise when I asked the sweet, pretty blonde receptionist where Joe was and she chirped, “That’s my husband, he’s just outside.” I was so furious I got him aside and reamed him out. I told him he was damned lucky I wasn’t telling his wife because I wouldn’t hurt her for his stupidity, but if I ever saw him again out I would make his life a mess. Perhaps the boss was a sociopath, what a weird setup. But I was pretty innocent and had no idea the man was married.
Oh yes, I know X lied his head off to his girlfriend. He told me that she had defended me, which made me ask him why she had to. He had no answer for that. He had no real answers for anything when confronted with proof. I never blamed her, I lived with him for all those years and bought his lies. She only saw what he wanted her to and only knew him for a few months. She was dying of cancer, no way was I going to drag her into anything, I believe she was a very nice person. All the evidence I found was from him, he was using her just as he was using me. How amoral can you get? I wrote a note to someone who claimed to be a friend of them both asking that they protect her. I hope that person was a friend to her, because they sure didn’t know X!
Good for you Norlarn. Rape victims usually react one of two ways. Feeling you have no value is extremely typical of rape victims. I’m a survivor and so is my daughter. Be true to yourself, my best friend was gay and because of where we lived, he didn’t even admit it to himself until right before he died. I miss him every day. He never had a chance to have a relationship, but he was a very loving person. My life was so much better for his being part of it.
KatyDid
Joanie123
Yes there is that game, set you up for a fall. That’s one I referred to when my husband set up the OW so no matter what, there was only one outcome. BAD. My husband LOVED how those women would tie themselves up into a pretzel just to be with him. Being married was just a device used to blame the OW for taking advantage of a poor married man. Actually, it wasn’t just OW, men would do it too, thinking that being favored by my husband meant they were superior. Only to be dropped in favor of someone who had MORE to give.
Louise
KatyDid:
My X spath was like that also as far as the “image.” Big time. He has a brother who is also still married and I feel like mine didn’t want to be a “failure” by getting divorced. Doesn’t want to be the one in the family to not be able to make it work. He stays for his reasons and his wife stays for her reasons; they both have many.
Mine also just totally likes to play with people. It is pitiful the damage that is done.
I never fell for that crap about the man not cheating if the wife was a real woman or if she did this and not that or if she wasn’t a bitch…whatever. They cannot be pleased. No matter what the wife or the OW does, it is never really good enough.
KatyDid
SKylar,
Sometimes people would ask my husband, did you do -fill in the blank- and my husband would respond, “What? Me? With my honest face?!!” And they’d BELIEVE he didn’t mean it and let him off the hook.
Louise
Wow KatyDid…your X and my X spath sound like the same man! I know that is common around here, but just sayin’ 🙂
KatyDid
eb92044
Yes, so many have the same M.O.
But they are diff men b/c I am not with my husband. My husband actually wants a divorce but he wants me to do it b/c it proves how I used him and left him, poor man, pity the man, just like all the girlfriends left him… I didn’t believe that, but it was what he said to me. I knew there was more to the story, I just didn’t know it’d be so MEAN.
To this day, I still don’t know the REAL reason he married me. I mean, yes he got a lot of mileage out of using me, but he’d have been better off in many ways not to have married me.
Louise
romanticfool no more:
Yeah, too bad yours didn’t go back to his wife. I wonder how many go back and how many go on to get divorced? Mine was separated for a whole year…that’s a pretty long time to then go back.
Wow, what a story you have there about Joe!!! See, they are all crazy and the boss was no better! I loved that you took him aside and reamed him. I probably would have just walked out of there and never looked back, but I am changing. Not as nice as I once was.
I have to make a comment about you being so open and honest with your X. I have mentioned this before in another post, but I never told my spath anything. He even said to me one time…”I don’t know anything about you.” Bingo! Makes sense then that he really couldn’t manipulate me because I wasn’t giving him anything to go on so he dumped me after about 9 weeks. I didn’t do this on purpose. I never reveal a lot to anyone and plus, he was the one doing the talking all the time so I would just listen and take it all in.
His GF was dying of cancer? How sad is that??