With all the uproar over Arnold Schwarzenegger and his “love child,” our friend Ann over at WomenExplode.com just wrote about her own experience of a cheating husband.
Read I can relate with Maria Shriver ”¦ at WomenExplode.com.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
eb-here’s the explanation about what happened with the guy: I knew that I was attracted to women as a teen but I didn’t want to admit it due to my uber religious N mother-I had two narc parents and my childhood was psychological abusing from it. I started dating the guy who raped me to 1) try to prove that I was straight and 2) to escape from my family life. He was my first socio and his minister father even warned me about him when I got with him. He said that there was something wrong with him.
After the rape I didn’t date for 7 years and then found another socio guy who told me he was separated and living with his brother. We were together for 6 months before I found out that he was actually still married and at home with a wife and kids. It was a Middle Eastern family. He had his nice Middle Eastern wife at home and I found that he was making his moves on American girls to have sexual relationships with and I immediately broke up with him upon finding out that he lied. He said that’s alright cuz I can get all the sex I want from my wife at home. BIG FAT LIAR SOCIO LOSER. I also hated sex with him and I finally admitted to myself at that time that I liked women and came out in nursing school.
I didn’t date a woman for about 3 years at that time cuz I was scared and I was picky. So many lesbians are really butch and that is NOT what I am interested in. I like either sporty girls who on the tomboy side-athletic, or feminine females who look and act like girls. In 2005 I finally dated a woman, who ended up being a narcissist and was highly emotional available. It was only a 4 month relationship because I was never truly comfortable. She had been in serious therapy for years but refused to tell me why. I was tired of being intimate with someone who refused to share that aspect of her life with me. If I’m good enough to have sex with, than you can respect me enough to communicate with me.
After I broke up with her I didn’t date for 3 years and moved here and became friends with the ex at work and before long I realized that I was attracted to him. THen I was confused and thought that maybe I was bisexual. Because at that time I was truly attracted to women and him but he was the only man who I was attracted to. It was a huge ego boost to him to get me because in his mind he was turning a gay woman straight. He felt all powerful about it. He told me that the woman he lost his virginity with his freshman year in college left him for a woman.
After we broke up and it took me over 18 months to get over it, I realized that he was the only man that I was attracted to and I realized after coming here that it was only because he was a spath. Once I moved in here in December, as soon as I was introduced to my neighbor, then all those familiar feelings came back up. I had to really examine myself and I really knew that I was NOT bisexual. I had to go back to the fact that I have been attracted to women my ENTIRE life and that was never going to change. I also had a really hard time with bisexuality all along. I don’t think that people should go back and forth. I’m against it and I feel people should pick a side and stick with it. That’s what I did. Bisexual women, I believe have had a role in bringing STDs and disease into the lesbian community. It used to be that lesbians had a lower rate of contracting stuff-back in the day. I really had to come to the conclusion to be true to myself.
True to myself means that I am a lesbian and I am not ashamed of it. I don’t wear it on my sleeve and tell the world or be really vocal, but those who matter to me know and I will also talk about it with anyone who asks. If asked I refuse to deny it.
As far as the neighbor goes, she doesn’t know that I’m gay or if she suspects it, she never asked and I don’t really know which way she is for sure. She is very very hard to get to know. We are just now getting to know each other and I am confused by her. She gives me a strong gay vibe in certain ways but I know that she has dated men, but not many, from what she’s said. She is a lot older than me and lives alone and has never married. I don’t even feel comfortable with her enough to come out to her yet. I think it will happen eventually and then all I can do is see what her reaction is. I know she has a lot of gay friends and is not at all anti-gay-she seems to be supportive of it. It would be awhile before I could ever ask her about it. I need to get to know her much better and get a better feel for how she is. I just carry a secret torch for her until the friendship progresses and I find out. I value the idea of a friendship with her but I can’t even really call her FRIEND yet, until I get to know her.
*facepalm* Well, hello to you too, nolarn. I will just keep being true to myself too, and perhaps one day my former girlfriend (distance was the only thing that broke us up, so I don’t call her an ex) will wander through and testify that I never gave her so much as a head cold. And maybe someday biphobia in the lesbian community will recede, and on that day monkeys might fly out of my butt. But a girl can dream.
I’m reminded of Nip Tuck, when the lesbian doctor/nurse (don’t remember), ends up sexually involved with one of the spath doctors who has breast cancer.
It seems hard to understand for people who are into one gender to accept people being attracted to both. I know a bisexual woman, who used to hit on me, but she had boyfriends as well.
I’m hetero, always have been, no doubt in my mind. Though there was a time that a lot of lesbians seemed to dig me. Some of them were pretty classy and beautiful women. And I was totally fascinated by the bi-woman… I wanted to draw her hands… they were so elegant. And with my commitment fear with guys, which I caught because of the commitment fear of Inspiring Soul, I kinda wished I could be sexually attracted to them. I wasn’t though. Can’t for the life of me, imagine myself with a woman.
Anyway, I think it’s possible to be attracted to people of both genders, and don’t see why they should pick a side if that’s the case. I do expect them to pick a partner they love and stick with the partner though.
I don’t dislike men and the fact that I was raped also doesn’t make me dislike them. I am just not interested in them as anything more than buddies. That’s how the relationship with ex began and I wished it never would have been any more than that.
Different, um, strokes for everybody, I guess. I can’t change the essential fact about myself that I have always had romantic and physical attractions to both men and women. I can, however, be monogamous, as darwinsmom rightly points out! While I share nolarn’s attraction to Mariska Hargitay (one L&O: SVU episode even made gentle fun of the fact that she has a huge bi/gay female fandom), I’m not going to go jump out of Mr. Normal Boyfriend’s bed and into hers. (I think she’d just be freaked out by that anyway.)
I am glad to meet people, but sorry to meet another person who has had to survive the hideous trauma of rape. My spath ex-husband’s rape of me did do one thing: it drastically worsened my PTSD, which is now so severe that I have an uncontrolled non-epileptic seizure disorder and can’t legally drive. Not that I can afford a car currently — as with many women, divorcing my spath was a leap straight into poverty — but it’s the inability to even rent a car to go see my family that chaps my butt about this disorder.
The thing about surviving that particular trauma, though, is that you can use it as an excellent bozo filter. That is, if someone I meet makes light of sexual assault, I drop them like a hot rock. I am currently not speaking to the coworker who suddenly, one day, decided to tell a rape joke right in front of my face and two witnesses. (He knew perfectly well what I had gone through, and was mad because I wasn’t agreeing with him in a political fight he picked. Could he be a bit spathy himself?) And if anyone at work knows my background, knows what he said, and still thinks I was overreacting, they don’t need to be in my life any more than the job requires either.
Nolarn: Be careful about the neighbor. She might be hetero and even if she’s curious and experiments you may get hurt again.
Remember Ellen. She fell in love with Anne and then Anne went off and married a man and broke Ellen’s heart.
I’m not gay but if I was the best advice I could give a lesbian is stick within the community. You’ve already had your heart broken recently because you made a bad choice. If you stick within the gay community you could find that special person you could have a long-term commitment with.
You don’t want a straight woman who is curious who will pull the rug out from under you. I’m just warning you to proceed with caution so you don’t get hurt yet again.
Joanie
Joanie-that is what I was concerned about. The big issue also is that I’m not entirely sure that she isn’t either spath or schizo cuz she spends all her time alone when she’s not working and doesn’t seem to want to hang out with ANYONE. That’s why I am very careful around her and am also not letting her get to me the way she did initially. Also maybe my hormones are behaving themselves more. Now that I came clean about my rape and have relented about counseling, I don’t feel worked up about the situation like I did. A lot of it is me being lonely and out of work and I have to much time to think about things. I was so used to mega drama in my life that I really have to work so that I don’t create it myself. I picture my future cop self in my uniform staying “step away from the drama”. I am also into having anxiety attacks as well since I am about to go on govt assistance temporarily.
The best advice I can give you is work really hard to find a way to get back to the police academy. Concentrate on that. Forget about people- men/ or women for now. Get through the academy, earn a good paycheck and then the women will come to you. Than you can look for that special lady, possibly have a civil partnership & raise a family.
But look for your career success first. Don’t look for the relationship now. Career first, relationship next.
I’m older but one thing I found is you have to have a good career to attract a successful partnership. Then you’ll have your pick of partners.
Joanie-you are SO right about that. That is another reason that I would rather not go there with her. I did make a promise to myself that NOTHING would de-rail me from finishing next time. I should have graduated on 10/31/09. That is THE most important thing to me. I don’t even know. I really don’t think that I will end up having kids or anything. It is just hard on the hormones for me. She is SO beautiful, smart, and sexy. I just have to say “step away from the woman”. Right now we are becoming friends and that’s it. She is slowly getting more comfortable around me and starting to open up a little bit. I gotta say too, I will end up being pretty irresistable once I’m in that uniform. I look forward to seeing my ex for the first time when I’m wearing it. I pray that is the first time I see him-since we live in the same district not too far from each other. Then I can just laugh at his stupid spath ass!!
Nolarn: I think you’re right about your ex-spath being attracted to you because you were lesbian. Spaths LOVE to go after the forbidden fruit. He was bored and the fact he could take a gay woman and sexly satisfy her was the ultimate conquest.
I remember my ex-spath husband hit on a married woman.-
Again the forbidden fruit. So one day he comes home and gets the guns out of the gun cabinet and starts greasing and loading them. He tells me someone is after him. I said, “who?”
Next thing I know a rock gets thrown threw my living room.
A few days later an angry man comes knocking on my front door and tells me to tell my husband to keep his hands off the guys wife or he’ll be sorry.
I like a “stupid good wife” tells the guy he must be mistaken but the minute I close the door me and hubby go at it fists flying. So yes, they look for the ultimate conquest which is the forbidden fruit. It’s part of their pathology. I’m thinking all this spath training you’re getting will serve you well as a cop. You’ll have the profile down pat.