With all the uproar over Arnold Schwarzenegger and his “love child,” our friend Ann over at WomenExplode.com just wrote about her own experience of a cheating husband.
Read I can relate with Maria Shriver ”¦ at WomenExplode.com.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Darwinsmom-I am up on this site so early cuz I had a nightmare-another flashback really, and woke up screaming a little after six and I can’t go back to sleep. I just wanted to say that I appreciate your story about the hurricane but I don’t agree with what you said regarding me.
My biggest concern right now is trying to heal myself from all this pain that I have been carrying around and bottling up for 18 years. I am having a worse time with it because I am very lonely and isolated-due to losing a lot of friends from the experience with my ex, being estranged from my family, and having self esteem that is in the toilet from the rape. It is time for me to be really selfish right now for the first time and to quit putting other people’s well being above my own. As someone in a care taking profession, that is what we do. I never had a problem being alone prior to these recent developments. Now I have a big problem being alone and it feels bad.
I don’t believe that DK next door is wounded at all. If she is than she sure would never let anyone know that. I am not trying to take care of her. I am the one who feels wounded and it is a foreign feeling for me and I don’t like it at all. It is infinitely worse because I am so lonely. I just want some human contact. She apparently does just fine being isolated but I am not. I just want someone to be with me. I want someone to get to know and just keep my mind off how sad I feel about what I’m going through. I am so lonely that it really hurts-bad, and I am NOT used to admitting that kind of thing to anyone cuz I like to consider myself to be like Wonder Woman-that I can handle anything. For the first time in my life I realize that I can’t do it. I hate being by myself during this time.
Everyone on here wants to get all over me for how I am feeling toward DK and tell me to stop but I feel like no one understands where I’m coming from right now. It’s really frustrating. I’m tired of being alone but I don’t know how to fix it. Where I am with my total lack of self esteem and self worth does not allow me to do anything about it right now.
eb-here I am on this site since 07:00-I had a nightmare and I was screaming and woke myself up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Thanks so much for talking to me so much last night when I was feeling sad. I had such a restless night sleeping. I’m going to have to get some napping in today because I am scheduled to take someone’s shift at work tomorrow on the surgery floor because she couldn’t make it. I really hate doing that cuz I am SO out of my element there and it is stressful for me. I’m used to working in the ICU and this is totally different. Unfortunately though, during these time I have to take whatever money I can get-whether I am going to have a good day or not. I hate being in that position. I never used to have to work where I wasn’t comfortable and I could always decline-not anymore.
Your response sounds grounded. Yes, you are severely wounded several times, and they all need healing. And yes, you need to focus on your self, your life, and your healing. Good for you that you are recognizing that for yourself.
Yes, feeling lonely hurts bad. It can be a constant pain, especially when wounded. I’ve been at that place, and ended up being pre-suicidal because of it. I think we all know how loneliness feels… when we were together with the spath, before and after. We are social creatures who need human warmth, contact, bonds to get out of our heads.
If I thought you saw her as wounded (not saying she is wounded), then that has been based on your wondering of her living circumstances and wondering whether she is a spath or a schizoid, on what is wrong with her. I just observe that you are very focused on her, and keep being focused on her, not in a way you would normally focus on someone you want to be friends with. I’m just trying to offer a possible explanation that lies within you. Your own inner response to it, reveals for yourself whether it’s valid or not.
I don’t think nobody is telling you stop feeling what you feel. You can’t just stop feelings. I’m sure we all know this from the harsh experiences in our own lives. But people are indeed telling you to stop focusing on her. And yes, the daily wondering about her mystery keeps your mind off yourself. The reason doesn’t matter, but your focus treats her like this life-buoy to keep you from drowning, or that is how it comes across to me. At least allow yourself perhaps to make another acquaintance somewhere. Get several life-buoys. It will help.
nola – i think many of us do know where you are coming from. more than a week ago i said the neighbor is about escape. i think many people here understand that. you are frustrated in part because you can’t care away your pain – your usual route. because you think there is no one to care for. but you are wrong, there is YOU. and it’s not the quick feel better fix you are seeking, and erin i don’t think it would work be even if their was another person around. you have opened pandoras box after 18 years of trying to shut down, and now you have to deal with the contents.
as you can’t escape you have moved onto another tool in your tool box: self pity. ‘The person who engages in self-pity is looking for sympathy from others, usually, for in that sympathy they hope to find their happiness, their pleasant feelings. They’re depending on support and encouragement from others to make them feel better; unfortunately, such a dependence is very similar to a chemical dependence–the high soon wears off, and they need another fix. ‘this rings true to me – it’s a part of our victim mentality.
and this is a good article
http://www.spiritualriver.com/moving-beyond-self-pity/
erin you have a lot on your plate – but i know you can move through all of this and start building your self-esteem.
i am sorry you had a rough night. and don’t you worry – you go into work, and just be present and do your best; it really is all you can do. and if it is appropriate mention that you are an ICU nurse. people will understand that you are a bit out of your element, right?
onestep-I did tell them that I was an ICU nurse but I am just scared because of a comment that was made the other day. I was with one other nurse and they pulled our aide to another area that they said was short handed. We left there and the other nurse had a really heavy assignment with total care patients who were difficult. One of the supervisors came over and told us that the original plan was to pull one of the nurses and leave only one nurse and one aide and have that nurse care for 7 or 8 patients. That was what the house sup wanted to do. The floor sup told her to pull the aide because she was planning on pulling the other nurse and keeping me-a temp there alone with all those patients. I found out later that is something that happens frequently on that floor-that one nurse is left alone. That is not safe and begging for something really bad to happen. Based on what I’ve been through, I can’t have that happen. I am scared tomorrow since it is a holiday and they may try and do that. This is why nurses need a union. Administration pushes unsafe practices to save money and then the nurses have to worry about their licenses. I don’t need this kind of pressure with all the stuff I’m already going through.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even be posting on here because people get exasperated with me because I am not handling things well. Yes I guess my behavior is frustrating but right now I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t sleep at night because I am scared out of my mind about not having a full time job and I need to go see my doc and I can go cuz I don’t have insurance and can’t afford to buy it. I really need her right now. Now other doctor is like her.
What I am feeling right now is paralysis-my self esteem and self worth is slow low that I am feeling unable to go out and meet people, and I don’t think people understand that. It’s similar to those people who have anxiety disorders but it’s situational and financial. I am so freakin isolated and I don’t know how to fix it.
nola – that is a very serious situation you are describing at work. we have a nurses union here, so the picture is a bit different. beyond the fact of what you describe endangering people which i can imagine is heartbreaking for you – (i once lost a job because i refused to do something that i knew *might* endanger people) i also understand your very real need to do a very good job, and not be stressed beyond your limit.
you weren’t here when i was here in my first few months. i had had 3 chemical. enviro. injuries in the space of 8 months – my cognitive ability was damaged (severely damaged for a few weeks just before i had to put on a big event for the org i worked for. i would pick up a piece of paper and not know what i was doing with it.); i had to move to get away from an enviro that was putitng me into the hospital because of cig. smoke; and i moved into a place that ultimately made me sicker than i ever could have imagined due to cig smoke and the off-gassing of the all the new materials; I had lived through the near death, suicides and death of the spath – all of which i found out were fake – and then the resurrection of the spath. within a couple of months of the D+D my work contract (whcich paid shit) was over, i wasn’t able to get a new roomate because my place was a disaster zone given all the things i had to do to mitigate the chemicals here, i was out of money, i couldn’t pay my rent, i couldn’t get it together to look for work because of the injuries and PTSD, my freinds abandoned me, as did my n sire, i had a crazy boy living upstairs freaking out and pounding on the floors and walls, i was eating at the food bank and looking at the woods across the street as my new winter home….THE POINT IS, I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND.
Erin, i don’t know if this is just semantics or not, but you can’t ‘fix it’. I couldn’t fix it, i still can’t fix it. all i could do was cope and endure day by day.
in retrospect what i did have over the last 19 months:
1 person who believed in my business ability and championed me whenever he could
the salvation army – helped with my utilities one month, and my rent and util another
welfare – for 2 months
crap shit food from the foodbank
last summer – my community garden food – i lived on spinach for a month, before anything else was up
lovefraud
i found a shrink doing neurofeedback
the air, the trees, the sky
time to start to relax
I am getting through it, still in a fair amount of isolation. and so can you. you are not anywhere that one of us here hasn’t been. you are not terminally unique. you are a person going through a very hard time, with few resources. i know it hurts and you just want to get er done some days and hide under the covers and be terminally unique others – like the rest of us, you will have good days and bad – but my very solid wish for you is that you work hard to not run. obsessing is a form of running, trying to escape via the neighbor is a form of running.
my other wishes for you are acceptance and patience. it is terribly hard to accept where we end up, and fight and kick because we are not where we want to be. i don’t want to be where i am, but it is a hell of a lot better than where i was. and before you protest – i think you are on your way there, also.
i am fat, scared, freindless, babeless and without family and friends in my day to day life. but i am not where i was a year ago, and hopefully i never will be again. given that i am 51 with no savings, i may have a very rough old age nola – and you know what, i can’t do a damn thing about that right now. nothing. right now i have to deal with my overwhelming job, health and home situations – if i can do that 70% i am a rock star. i struggle to recognize that – i am so afraid of how poorly i feel i function so much of the time, but it is getting better. andit will for you, too.
you can’t fix it, but you can live through it, endure it and work to get what you want and need in your life.
The posts are so good this morning. Darwinsmom, I resonated so much with what you said about projecting the need for nurturing onto other people/animals. And I would have expected to see a post like that in a magazine. It was very moving. I only wish you’d gotten to take the kitten home with you, but I know that’s not the point of your post.
One step, I also loved your post, and I think you are right on. And yes, I’ve been there, too. I know you guys hear about my trips to Costa Rica and the nice cushy office job I have and the pretty little condo. My life is stable now, but it wasn’t always like this. I once lived on welfare and actually waited outside restaurants in downtown SF at night in case they might throw out some pizza. Free pizza. I once had a tiny room in a flat with roommates who smoked and whom I hated, with the bathroom next to my room where I could hear and smell it every time someone used the toilet. I was so afraid to leave my room for months and wasn’t able to work for years because there was so much pain inside me I couldn’t even be around people. I was dependent on all my boyfriends and couldn’t have healthy relationships with them. I used to go into borderline psychotic rages in therapy groups if someone said something offensive. I used to go into a rage with my first boyfriend because he left to go to work in the morning (!)
I also have no family and few people, if any, I would consider as real friends. I grew up with narcissists and sociopaths and never even bonded with my only sibling. And here I’m breaking free from the only person in my life – Raymond – who I feel truly close to. My life has been tough, too. I’ve been there, believe me. When I give advice, you can be assured it is very hard earned advice.
My unique challenge is that my “trauma” is not something concrete that EMDR will fix. I don’t have flashbacks to any one incident. When my therapists have asked me if I have any secrets to tell them, I can’t think of a one – nothing I haven’t told countless others. My trauma is the trauma of neglect – ever since I can remember. Not being looked at, not being cared for…..I believe it to be the borderline personality abandonment pain. It is at the core, and it has been very difficult to get a handle on. It is not something that talk therapy has ever helped with because it is preverbal. The pain is constant and ongoing. I believe the only way to look at it is through the mirrors of these relationships I have created where I have been abandoned over and over until there is nothing left to do but face the horrific pain. It sucks, but I know until I really feel this pain, my life will never work. We have to ultimately face our lives from the inside out, not the outside in. So best to get acquainted with what’s on the inside. In my experience, there is no other way.
We do understand the loss of self-esteem and self worth, nola, for different reasons with different experiences, but we’ve all been at the most lonely and down feeling pit we could have been in. You are going through the roughest you can go through right now, facing all the hurt of the far away past, and recent as well as your present living circumstances.
Gosh I feel so guilty whenever I look at the pile of bills, of which some I need to call and ask for an etra month. That by itself can be such a blow to how we feel about ourselves, believed ourselves to be. And then there are the raw wounds on your self esteem on the rape, the abuse and pack dog mentality on you for being the OW, while it should have turned on him.
We’ve given the benefit of the doubt to people who abused it, and still go on in life without a care in the world, and everybody else is sympathizing with them and feeling sorry for them… but we do not receive the same courtesy even in return. And this makes me mad as hell.
Healing your isolation goes step by step… and sometimes you go 3 steps backwards after 2 steps forward.
Your behaviour is not frustrating. We care for and about you. And exactly because we are going through something similar or have been gone through it, we also know the cope mechanisms that in the long run hurt ourselves. And to see you try to use it over and over is indeed exasperating, especially when sometimes you are clearheaded about it. But we’re not mad at you; I guess I feel helpless to see you run around in circles about the neighbour.
I wish I could come and visit you, and watch some tv with you, maybe take you out for a coffee (tea in my case), and give you a bear hug. But the healing of the worst must come from ourselves and most of the time needs to be done with noone around. We’re people pleasers, and when around other people, we prevent ourselves from dealing with ourselves, and instead focus on them and say and act in a way what we believe they hope for us.
LF reminds me a lot of the group therapy I had for my ID-crisis 12-13 years ago. One person would be frustrated with the other on how they handled things, another would feel someone had no right to be there cause they didn’t feel their trauma was worth being trauamatized over, and sometimes you just needed the honest confrontation, but along the line we supported each other too, and opened up to ourselves within a group environment.
((((((((((((nola))))))))))))
Nola:
All the advice here is very good. I see myself in you. I am such a sensitive type that I turn everything inward and then it’s just a downward spiral from there so I can relate.
I don’t know what to tell you. I guess what worked for me is just time and so much self searching. Finding out what was best for me. A lot of downtime by myself to search myself. I guess I didn’t feel like I was isolating myself because I knew I needed that time to heal. I am still healing. I am still not 100% there.
A word of praise for you. You are an RN?? If so, that is awesome!! I would love to be an RN! I was actually going to go back to school for nursing and then changed my mind for various reason. Anyway, that is a huge thing in your favor. Nursing is so in demand and you can get a job anywhere. It’s a great asset!
tnx, star… sometimes I only know how to make people feel what I felt by telling the whole story. Yes, I wished I could have taken him home myself. I could have if I had lived in the US. But airlines to EU would have not allowed him. I had to let him go and hope that I gave him the start for a new and better life. I also know that the hurricane was more of an adventure than a trauma. But it’s an excellent example on how people try to cope with their feelings and needs in certain circumstances. And sometimes projection is the only way, and sometimes escaping emotionally out of a situation is ok and even necessary. That was such an example 🙂