With all the uproar over Arnold Schwarzenegger and his “love child,” our friend Ann over at WomenExplode.com just wrote about her own experience of a cheating husband.
Read I can relate with Maria Shriver ”¦ at WomenExplode.com.
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Stargazer
Sky, maybe he is a sociopath. I don’t know. It just seems that 90% of men cheat. Maybe it just looks that way to me because these are the only types I’ve known in the past 20 years.
Louise
I agree. I hate to sound jaded, but I have seen nothing but cheating in my life. Not always necessarily from my boyfriends or my ex husband, but just everywhere. It does seem like 90%, but I think I read somewhere it’s closer to like 50%, but that’s probably because the other 40% are lying during the survey…haha!
Stargazer
You know, I actually think about stuff like this……..I wonder if men are really just not cut out to be monogamous. What if it really is their nature to be polyamorous? But they are like round pegs trying to fit into a square hole in this society. In some other cultures, men are allowed to have other wives or lovers, and it is not frowned upon, and the women are not jealous. If it is not in a man’s true nature to be monogamous, but he lives in a society that cherishes marriage above all else, how would he handle those conflicting desires? He desires the security of a relationship. He wants to fit in and be acceptable. But he wants other lovers. What does he do? Usually, they take the path of least resistance, which is to cheat and then keep it a secret, thinking that if the wife doesn’t know, it won’t hurt her. I don’t think in this case it an intentional desire from the start to hurt and deceive. It is a lie of omission. The intent is to fulfill their desires, but to try and avoid hurting their partner by keeping it under wraps. They figure if their partner doesn’t know, it won’t hurt them. I think it is much easier for a man to compartmentalize parts of his life than it is for a woman.
I’ve known a few women like this, too. I had a friend once who was happily married and loved her husband. But she had a lover she would fly to visit occasionally. The husband believed the guy was just a friend. The reason she had a lover is because her husband wasn’t into oral sex. But she didn’t want to leave him over it. So her lover gave her what she was missing, and nothing more. She and her husband both were getting their needs met and seemed very happy. She loved her husband and didn’t love the lover. It was just a FWB situation for her.
Now I can sit here on my high horse and say she was wrong. She was lying and cheating. And that it would be better to be alone and celibate while you are waiting for the one person who can fulfill ALL your sexual needs. But really, is that better? Ask some of us who have been single forever. Personally, I don’t know if I would want two lovers in my life. And with all the diseases going around, I wouldn’t want to share a man with someone. But why is it my place to judge her? I’m guessing there is a lot more of this happening in our culture than people know about because for most, the secrets are never exposed. What if most people – and not just men – are not really meant to be monogamous? And what would happen if people could just be honest about it? This was what was happening in the 60’s in the free love era. Free love was socially acceptable then. Even Yoko Ono sent John Lennon off to another woman for a while. I wonder if this concept of monogamy in marriage has become outdated because this is not who most people are?
Just something to think about. I don’t really know the answer. I just like to think outside the box.
Ana
Stargazer,
I think the issue is being honest with the other person. If your friend knew before they got married that her husband did not like oral sex and she did, why did she marry him a and then cheat on him?
Honesty is hard to come by I think. If men can’t be monogamus, then don’t get married! Meanwhile back at the ranch, is it ok for the woman/man to cheat on them? I bet not! They want their cake and eat it too.
superkid10
Joanie123
Can I ask you a question as the wife? How is it you knew about some but not others?
Did he show you some but not others? Did you just close your eyes and pretend it wasn’t there? Did he convince you that they weren’t really there?
My spath went back to his ex wife – they were married 22 years – she is well aware of ALL the women – I can’t get over that she KNOWS and has TAKEN HIM BACK – anyway I sure would like to hear what went on in your mind.
I’m not criticizing, i really want to learn this.
SK
Louise
Stargazer:
I LOVE your post. I agree 100%. There was a book written years ago and by a woman believe it or not talking about this exact subject. It was about how we (men or women) are not meant to be monogamous. I am not much help since I do not remember the author’s name. But think about it…it all really makes sense. We get bored with each other, no one person can always satisfy all of our needs, there are family issues, children issues, money issues, job issues…the list goes on and on. All these things lead us to want to find a new partner. We think someone else will make us happy. We grow apart. It is just human nature to try and recreate that heady, in love feeling with someone new. But if you bring this subject up with some people, they would be very offended. Most people are not open minded enough to get it. And yes, I definitely remember Yoko sending John off to California, but he came back! That’s another point. Send them away…if it was meant to be, they will be back.
Ana
I agree 100% all men/women who are not happy in their marriage should cheat. Yeah, that’s the answer. Lie. Cheat. Steal. ‘Cept when it happens to YOU!
romanticfool no more
I asked X the night before he split if he was cheating on me or was thinking about it. Our agreement was if we got to that point with anyone, that we would discuss it and decide what to do. So long as their weren’t lies between us. When he told me that he didn’t dream of cheating on me, that he loved me and would never leave me, I believed him. It took me all of ten minutes to find proof of his cheating once I looked. You can know something and still not believe it. Probably AS told her he had seen the error of his ways and would never do it again. Who wants to believe the worst of someone they love, especially when you have children? I have more respect for Maria for leaving him than I do for those political wives who stay with their oversexed husbands. It’s bad enough dealing with betrayal without having to have the entire world knowing and commenting on everything. She can’t even move and live quietly for the children’s sake.
Stargazer
Ana, I agree about the honesty. I don’t understand how people can keep secrets to that degree. Personally, I would prefer total honesty. But the point I was making is that in our culture, it is considered wrong for a person to even want to sleep with someone outside their marriage, never mind be honest with their partner about it. Just like just a few decades it ago was considered wrong to be gay. So many gay people hid their sexual orientation. Some even had straight marriages just to be socially acceptable. I’m trying to figure out why such a large percentage of married people cheat. I don’t think you can just call 60% (or more) of the population sociopaths. I say “or more” because I suspect the actual percentage is much higher. Throwing that label on everyone who behaves badly doesn’t solve the problem to me. Nearly all the men in the Latin American culture cheat from what I have heard. It is culturally acceptable and almost expected for them to do it. I don’t think it makes them all sociopaths. I really think there is a cultural component to cheating and covering it up.
If you look at all the symptoms of sociopathy, there is a lot more than womanizing and covering it up. There are communication patterns, such as gaslighting, pity play, and many other indications. I don’t think you can diagnose someone on just that one criterion. That’s not to say I personally would want to get involved with someone like that or that I would trust them in a public office.
Ana
Stargazer,
It’s only wrong to sleep with someonelse (morally) when you are married to another person. I know, I would not tolerate it in my marriage at all.
I get what you are saying. But my issue is why marry? Because they want that “security” and to have what they want on the side. And that stinks. I doubt very much they would allow such behavoir of their spouses. This is the bitch of it. “they” want what they want..but don’t want their spouses to have the same liberty they enjoy..lol ya know??? Lying, cheating, stealing…