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Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath

Lovefraud recently heard from Janine in Florida. Here is what she wrote:

In May it will be two years since I realized my ex-husband was a sociopath and every day I deal with the psychological nightmare that he has given me. I try so hard not to think about the destruction he has done to me…but every day it is there. Destroyed period.

How can one put this behind them?? Yes I have moved on with my life but every day in my mind what he did to me is there and will be in my brain forever. I have been told to forgive him and I do in a way because I realize how sick he is but it is still there!

Taken, abused, used, destroyed as a woman, as a human being and of course him shoving everything down my throat. Defaming my character, slandering me and doing his best to destroy my life. That is the hardest part, the man I helped the most in my life to live his dreams became my nightmare…I will carry this with me until my dying day.

Sociopaths charm their way into our lives, destroy us, and then leave. They go on their merry ways, and we are left with emotional train wrecks. Anger, shock, betrayal, disbelief, disappointment, sadness, shame, fear, grief, hatred, rage—all adding up to incredible pain. What are we to do with it?

I believe we must allow ourselves to feel it.

Facing the Fire

In 1993, I attended a workshop given by John Lee, author of Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately. Lee talks about anger as a physical sensation that gets stuck in the body. Many of us walk around carrying decades of anger—childhood anger at our parents, anger from adolescent taunts, anger from previous husbands or wives. Unless we do something about it, the anger of the past stays there, affecting our present.

Anger builds into rage. Rage builds into numbness.

John Lee’s book offers techniques for dealing with our anger. Many of us try to intellectualize our anger away. This doesn’t work. Anger is a physical emotion that needs to be physically released. The idea is to do it without hurting other people or domestic animals. Lee suggests pounding pillows, twisting towels, stomping on the ground and breaking old cups and saucers into trash cans. We have to keep doing it until we experience a release.

To learn more on these ideas, read an interview with John Lee.

Experiencing the pain

When I finally learned that my ex-husband was a con man, that he had fathered a child with another woman during our marriage, that the $227,000 he took from me was gone, I had extreme anger—and all of those other negative emotions—adding up to incredible pain.

Luckily, I had employed John Lee’s techniques before—I tried them all, and found that punching pillows worked best for me. I also had a therapist who guided me in experiencing my pain. Because that is what needed to happen.

The pain had to come out, and the way to do it was physically. This meant punching pillows until I collapsed. It meant crying—deep, loud wails. It meant telling my ex-husband, emphatically, exactly how I felt—even though he wasn’t there to hear it.

Make no mistake, this is not pretty. It is best done in privacy, or with a skilled therapist. And it takes a long time, because there are layers and layers of pain—you dig one out, and another one surfaces.

But it works. I can honestly say that the pain is gone—not only the pain of the sociopath, but the pain I was carrying around beforehand that enabled me to fall for his lies.

I have recovered. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man. And I am peaceful.


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I have faced my pain for months now. Anger, shock, betrayal, disbelief, disappointment, sadness, shame, fear, grief, hatred, rage…. yep… felt them all, and then some, and then sometimes all over again from the begining. Months ago, I began to pray for her… yes.. I pray several times a day for her and have been doing so for months. Knowing that she is a sociopath, and knowing that there is absolutly no cure, no treatment, no hope for her to be normal, but yet…. I pray for her.. not for a selfish outcome, not for God to bring her back to us, but for her soul, her heart… I mourn her, and not just the illusion of the woman I feel so deeply in love with, but I mourn who she really is, and with that, her cold, cruel heart. I pray to God everyday for her… to look out over her, to protect her, to put his love into her heart. To bring compassion, humility, kindness to her.. to release the hold of the enemy that has such a grasp on her. I pray that He will put his love into her heart, to touch her soul…. to bring her out of the darkness and into the light. She is upon my heart and I can’t help that, I can’t make that stop… I’ve tried. I’ve asked God many times to use people, circumstanses to bring her to Him. If He loves her like He loves me, then wouldn’t he answer that prayer?…….. Yes, He in fact does love her, just like He loves you and I, and all of His children. I know that because she is on my heart, in the way that I spoke of, that’s exactly how she, and anyone else that you may know/meet, that doesn’t know Him, should be. We as His should constantly/consistantly/expectantly be praying for those how are choosing to follow the enemy. That’s very, very difficult, especially when “they” have hurt us so deeply. But, none the less, we are still commanded to pray for His blessings to be poured out in abundance upon them. And, each prayer that I/you lift up, enables God to work in His time, and according to His will. I want to look in the face of selfishness and be unselfish, I want to look in the face of evil, and reflect love. I want to forgive, not just her, but me….I do not want to carry this forever… therefore I pray for her. I have to be honest here. I don’t so much do it to see her blessed and happy. I do it not just because she needs it, and God knows she does… but because I need it more.

Southernman, I read your story in another comment…and your above piece is great. I love your last sentence! Good for you. That was really eloquent.
I left my sociopathic live-in ex on Thanksgiving Day 2004, and I am still “healing.” He was a physician, wealthy – and I’m far from wealthy – yet he still managed to steal money and most of my possessions from me. We were together 5 1/2 years and I STILL shake my head in wonder that I got so hoodwinked. But, he had almost 50 years of practice at being manipulative and screwing people over, he was even stealing money and property from his mother.
Even now I still check the obits sometimes for his name, and I went through a time when I dreamed of him dead….some fairly horrific dreams too, where I was kicking and punching his dead body. No mistaking the symbolism there!
A therapist I was seeing for a while was quite ineffectual but one thing he told me was, revenge (I had unstoppable revenge fantasies for a while) would only belittle myself. Absolutely true, of course. And that the best revenge was to move on and succeed with the rest of my life.
I’m still working on that, but I take comfort in the fact that I do have true friends and true emotion in my life. That when I die, I know I did not spend my life being evil, but was a truly good person, albeit imperfect much of the time.
For me – it takes time. Letting go is important, and it’s a process, it doesn’t just happen. I am trying to be selfish, to take care of ME instead of others…I suspect many “victims” tend to be caretakers rather than takers.
My ex was a weak man who preyed on the stregnths and energy of others. He cannot and will not ever see this of course. His arrogance and self centeredness is mind boggling and will be until the day he dies.
However, I am strong and vital where he is not and never will be. I don’t think I’m special, I think this is true of everyone who has been duped by a sociopath. Our vulnerabilities are also our stregnths.

I left my husband over eight years ago. I decided that I had had enough of living with this selfish, cold-hearted, manipulative man. I remember anticipating some turmoil when I left, I never imagined how angry and hateful my husband would become. I never imagined him hurting our own children to hurt me. I never imagined the slanderous lies in court and those passed along to family and friends. I never imagined that almost nine years later, he would still be as hateful as the day I left him. It has been a long, difficult road, and along the way I felt a lot of confusion, sadness and anger.
I went to counseling and met with my parish priests to get help in handling all these emotions. I remember wishing that I did not feel all those negative emotions inside me. I knew they were not healthy for me. I wanted them to all just vanish…but I couldn’t deny that they were there. I remember telling the priest that I wanted to forgive my husband. I knew that was the right thing to do, but I honestly didn’t feel that way, and I didn’t know how to make myself honestly forgive him. The priest told me that instead of praying for forgiveness, I should pray for God’s grace, and that through God’s grace I would someday be able to forgive my exhusband. I didn’t really understand what he said at the time. In fact, I stopped praying and going to church and even thinking about God for years, but slowly over the last year or two, I have come to realize that through all this turmoil, I have become a better person. I feel strong and peaceful…I have never in my whole life felt strong and peaceful! This is the first time. I would never have become the person I am if it wasn’t for my exhusband. So, in a way I am grateful for that. I think what my exhusband has done to me (and continues to do to me) is wrong…no doubt about that, but his bad actions have a much less effect on me than they did a few years ago. So…maybe God’s grace is working within me. I hope so.

421dmb2……..

I too believe that I would not be the person I am today, which is more fully rounded and healthy had it not been that I had encountered a sociopath. Going through all of the turmoil with her, both during the year with her and the year apart from her has changed me for the better. In fact, I can honestly say that I’m thankful to have met her and have gone through the pain about her, as it has strengthened me as a man. I have learned many new things about relationships because of my experience with her, and I know that I can really love another in a better, healthier way next time. I still believe that God placed her into my life for many reasons, and those reasons were to bring me to Him, and to help me grow as a man, and to prepare me for the next great relationship that I will have with a woman. I still think about her everyday, and even though it’s mostly with sadness, I can be happy to have lived, loved, lost and learned. Spring will be here soon, and I’m so glad. It’s been a long winter, but with Spring comes renewal, and I feel the same way with my life. My experience with my crazy has been a long hard road, on top of the loss of my wife and that ordeal now just four years ago, but I’m thankful to have come out of it a better man, and to have learned from my mistakes. Like I said above, I do not want to carry this forever, and I do not want to live with a guarded heart. Yes, for quite awhile, I wallowed in my pain, and in self-pity, but that has passed. I have given this to God, and I know he will take this horrific ordeal, and make it a good thing in my life.. He already has.

For some, releasing the pain becomes a life long process due to the PTSD that sets in. Its not wallowing – its real.

It can take years to learn to trust again and some never love again and that’s o.k. Its often a big lesson to learn to be alone and happy.

Additionally the VALIDATION from others is crucial in realizing – it was NOT your fault and you weren’t stupid. You were targeted and there really was no way you could have known at the time.

Great article Donna.

Donna once said in an email to me that I would need to process the pain in order to move on. I guess I have not processed the pain, it is still there although I do not allow it to enter my conscious world – I push it away and I do not allow myself to think about the hurt.

So what are the implications of this all? Well, the 4 year horrific experience has fundamentally changed me. In addition, it has taken me three years, after the relationship abruptly ended, to finally push him out of my life and to open up and start talking about the truth. Talking about his horrific experience comes in waves. Sometimes I will be able to talk about it and other times I do not want to go there at all.

On the positive side, I am actually happy, and it does not bother me to be on my own, where before I could not stand being alone. I do not feel angry and I do not really think about him at all; however, the pain is there and it manifest itself when I am faced with meeting and allowing other men in my life. My fears of having to be vulnerable again are holding me back. My whole thought process is hung up on the past.

I stay out of the dating scene, because I do not want to fall in love again. And although I am very well aware that not everybody is a psychopath, through the experience in away I lost faith in mankind … So I stay on my own, sheltered from the good and the bad ….

For some reason, lately, I’ve been getting value out of seeing psychos represented in film. I rented “American Psychopath” at the suggestion of a friend. I had read many terrible reviews of the novel and of the movie.

Well, after having been involved with a psycho…I saw many of his traits (non-homicidal) represented in the film.

The narcissistic body building and grooming, the hollow recital of odd pop cultural opinions, the unwanted opinions on how dates should dress, the sex addiction, the reading of several newspapers at the same time laid out in the apartment (that one was very creepily familiar), the occasional odd babblings of gibberish, and many other even subtler details.

Brett Easton Ellis must have known one himself, because the film (despite all the cultural metaphors critics tried to heap upon it) could have floated very easily as a simple character study of the psychos we have been involved with. Granted, the movie psycho was a serial killer, but his overall personality, lifestyle, conduct was so familiar to me that I applauded the film. I think the critics didn’t get how nuanced the film portrait of the psycho was. Maybe, because they themselves have never known one? It wasn’t an “anti-feminist” film. It was an “anti-psycho film,” at least from my perspective.

I kept thinking when I watched the “extra features” and heard all the producers etc. discuss how this film affected them, that NONE OF THEM got it! None of them had ever known a psycho personally, because if they had, they would have commented on how dead on the representation of the main character was in all its detail. Only someone who has known a psycho could have included all of that. At least, that’s how the work came across to me.

Whatever the case, I found viewing that film, and Taxi Driver, for that matter, as valuable for my recovery, in that the characters were so accurately drawn. My experience didn’t seem so isolated after viewing those films. They both had a chilling effect and God knows I have felt that chill in person.

421dmb:

I cannot be grateful or feel that spending four years with a sociopath has made me a healthier person. It surely has not. I may have had needs and vulnerabilities that allowed me to fall for one, and worse yet, stay with one, but the only good thing out of the whole thing was that I got away. I am working on the why and how with a therapist and understand them, but that does little to restore the self esteem that he chipped away at day after day, hour after hour…so much so that I could not, nor would not leave him. I stayed four years. I cannot believe that anyone can feel that living through horrific experiences with a sociopath has value. I am not saying that my experience is any worse than anyone else’s on here, but the idea that this guy is out there having a ball with a slew of unsuspecting women, makes me sick

When I got mine out of my life, I was not as angry with him as with myself. I made up my mind to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it.

That was almost three years ago. No matter how started, this healing process has turned into the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself. I came to understand myself better. I learned how damage I’d carried from my childhood created a weak ego structure that allowed him and his opinions become more important to me than my relationship with myself. In this work, I’ve learned how to be the center of my own world, and to work at staying connected with the spiritual and ethical center of my character.

It was really hard to neutralize all the terrible things he said about me. To listen to someone you love telling you how stupid, ugly and unlovable you are for five years, and even the fact that you feel hurt is evidence of your disgusting weakness, is emotional battery that’s hard to heal. But at some point, I realized that, strange as it sounds, it wasn’t personal. He would have done the same thing to anyone, because it’s his disease. And that realization also helped me to heal some childhood issues. It wasn’t me that would hurt other people to make myself feel better. And I am not responsible for how he behaved. I am only responsible for doing a good job of loving and taking care of myself, and now I’ll be better at it. Not just in relationships, but in my whole life.

Like others, I’ve isolated myself, at least as far as dating goes, while I’ve gone through this. For a long time, I was simply afraid that I couldn’t relate to a man except as a deeply damaged woman. Then I just felt very cautious. These days, I’m emerging my shell a bit, but I feel like I’m learning to date, to take care of myself, and to know what I want from a relationship all over again.

There are comments on this board about being targeted, and how difficult it is to withstand this, even if you’re emotionally healthy when it begins. As I look back at how my experience began, I don’t really think I was as emotionally healthy as I was today. I was looking for a rescuer, a big strong white knight. It was the type of relationship I’d always had. That was the opening that let my psychopath into my life, and I can see now that he carefully cultivated me, learning exactly what kind of rescuer I wanted, and then playing the role until I fell in love with him.

I don’t want that kind of love anymore. And I’m grateful that I was forced me look at how I ran my life. It was an expensive lesson in every way, but it changed my life.

A man approached me at a party last week. He clearly was interested, and he wanted to tell me his life story, including the women who had misunderstood him, how famous and well-respected he was professionally, his temporary difficulties needing a place to stay. Need I go on?

When I got home, I was really scared for a few moments. I thought to myself, what if I hadn’t recognized him? What if he hadn’t made a few crucial mistakes while he was sizing me up? Would the whole nightmare have started again with a different man?

But you know, it wasn’t the crucial mistakes that turned me off. It was his complete self-absorption. His disinterest in anyone else, with the exception of his traction-beam eye contact with me. He already knew I owned my own home and had a good job when he came to talk. But he never asked one thing about my life or how I felt or why I was at that party. He was just doing that performance thing, the projection of charisma, that was almost a kind of personality test. Was I the kind woman who responds to that?

Not anymore. Now, if I ever let someone into my life again, it will be a true partner who is interested in sharing on spiritual and emotional levels, as well as in the practical aspects of our lives. These people can’t even fake that. They try, but their cynicism, selfishness and power issues always bleed through, if you’re listening.

I read somewhere about a woman who used to do speed-dating before she got married, those parties where you spend five minutes with someone before jumping to the next table. She had a mental test she used to disqualify people. They had three minutes to ask a question with the word “you” in it. The man she ultimately married did it in the first sentence. I like that almost as much as the “three strikes” rule in The Sociopath Nextdoor

Mickey…I left my ex over eight years ago. Maybe time is on my side. I do still fear that I may have vulnerabilities and needs that allowed my to stay as long as I did, but I deal with that by not opening myself up to relationships. I just focus on my kids and career.
I started to feel better and more in control of my life about a year or two ago. It was at this point that my career started to take off, I became a little bit more financially stable. I also went to court to challenge my ex’s visitation because of his hateful, eratic behavior. The court action did not end up limiting his visitation but it did improve his behavior a bit and it sent the message to him that I was not going to take any more ****. So, I think I have come a far way from the person I was when I first met my ex. Because of all my troubles I am definitely a stronger person.

I am stuck in that revenge mode and I really do want out. My friends do not know I am still harbouring this enormous resentment for what he took from me. I gave my heart and soul to this man. And, he then used that against me. He was quick to announce to everyone that I am “crazy” therefore anything I have to say about him or the breakup is discounted. He actually has his folks and friends believing I made up all those things about him. I did betray all of his confidences when I found out he’d been cheating on me the whole time we were together. He was very creative in his “cheating” and I didn’t find out until out of the blue and many months later, I got a call from a man. Imagine my shock. He was bisexual. Why did this man call me? He called to tell me so that I could….get this…move on. In other words he thought I’d be so grateful to hear that he was indeed scum, that I’d run fast and never look back. This man was just a down-low buddy on a one time deal. He got my name from one of his “gay” buddies that is married to one of my former co-workers. Apparrently my ex upset one of the gay guys by making some remark about picking up a fag at the local park. Do not call a gay guy a fag. The guy involved is also a cross dresser and loves to tantalize “straight” men and get them to participate in “gay” activities while allowing them to consider themselves straight. If you cross a gay guy by mocking them, they have a network so thick that there’s no escaping there revenge. When I approached my ex about being bisexual, he said: “I like all things sexual.” I told him he frightened me with that statement. Where does that line begin and end? What else do I need to know about? The deception is so deep with these sociopaths, that once you start unraveling it all, you get physically ill and numb. I just kept saying, No, it is not true. That is not him. But, soon the evidence and my blindness to his words of love imploded in a very nasty scene. Anyone in the path got to hear about this lying, cheating, perverted sexual addict. I could go on for years with what I uncovered. Since we lived an hour apart, he was really having a field day while we were apart. Man, was he good. It’s just so unbelievable. I feel I am done ever having another relationship. I cannot be or feel sexual. I get physically ill in the presence of most men. When you think you have known someone your whole life and you find out it was all a “lie”, it just rocks you to the bottom. I’m now agoraphobic and don’t leave my house except as absolutely essential. This has cost me all my friendships and family as they say, “move on, the guy is a jerk. don’t give him any more of your time.” Easier said than done.

Being gay myself, I must say that the “F” word is exactly as bad as the “N” word, and people should view it that way period.

I must also say, that there are bad gay people just as there are bad straight people.

One of the major reasons gay people need respect is so men (and women) can come out of the closet and not be ashamed and marry women (or men) to pretend they are “normal.”

Scorned, someone should never keep secrets from you like this man did. Making you out to be a liar is abominable. It is bad enough to have lived a lie with you, but to reverse the blame and place it on you is disgusting.

If it’s any consolation, I would like to say that on the flip side, there are also good gay men just as much as there are good straight men.

You were burned bad, but if you want to have a relationship with a decent straight guy, well, there are some out there. Some of them have posted on this site, it seems — to prove my point!

But heck, there are also people that don’t want relationships for whatever reason. I just wanted to give you a shout out of support.

I rented a “lovefraud” movie — 1949’s “The Heiress” with Olivia DeHaviland and Montgomery Clift. People on this site should check it out. It’s another one of those eerily relevent movies that have been made. In this case from an 1881 story by Henry James.

I’ve found with all the other recovery techniques we use, watching films that show us psychos and users have been experienced by many others of us throughout history, gives me even more of a recovery boost.

It’s a great flick.

WOW ok I have read your piece here and my tears burst out at those last sentences. The idea that there truly is hope that the pain will truly be gone?WOW. I feel like things will be better, but I did not have hope that this will ever leave my soul.

I also have a question to anyone who reads this. To who do you tell this. Are there people who tell this openly to any person who wants to know? Or do people select good friends only for it ( like i have done so far). Im very much afraid to be judged ( experienced that too); that people think youre stupid for falling for it….Im a bt torn cause it had such a groundbreaking impact on me its weird to act towards some people like it was no big deal.

Dear MariaLisa,

Some people on here have NO OTHER place to release this than Love Fraud. Many of our friends and family taht are otherwise good, loving, supportive people do not realize how we feel used and abused and don’t know this isn’t a “normal” break up where we can “just get over it”—I would suggest that you use LoveFraud as your validation or lbetter yet, find a therpaist that does get it and go there. Just don’t hold it in.

As far a being afraid of “being judged”—most of us I thinnk have “been there.” At some point you must stop caring whether others validate you or not, YOU KNOW YOUR PAIN IS REAL. You don’t need anyone except yourself to validate that, and that is a good turning point. In the meantime, members of love fraud can validate it. Good luck. Keep on reading and learning about yourself—at first it is about THEM, but eventually becomes “about us.”

DONNA

Haha: why am I so retarded that I dont find these articles/posts myself? THANK YOU!!!

Oxdrover

Yes youre right. Actually I have been seeing a therapist. Although I think she is great she actually tells me to stop being obsessed about it and not feed into it. She says I experienced enough pain, that its enough now….Easier said than done Id say.

But you are right; the whole point which we should learn is we dont need the validation for pain that is SO damn real. Still baffles me to see how I do it again: ask for permission to feel hurt. Crazy right? I suppose as a woman ( and empathic one at least) you tend to look for validation so much. It feels like a force of nature. Thank you Oxy for the reminder.

Maria,
Your questions about who to discuss the S issues with- personally for me, because of what I have been thru (married
to a SEVERE N/P and have son who is a P)- I am super guarded about who I tell my “war stories” to. I dont elaborate at all about my “feelings” IF I am questioned about why I divorced- If I choose to say anything at all, I just state some facts -no emotions involved. Think clinical- dr. style answers.

This keeps people from judging me or thinking I’m just crazy! lol
Talking to the uneducated about sociopathy is like saying you see flying saucers and were beamed up into an alien ship!!!

However, I have been blessed to be able to reach out to others, which by the way I feel is one reason I went thru this ( to love and support those who are searching for answers).

I have given this site, along with what I know about S to others who are involved with one and are reeling from the horror of it all.Some have said that It has helped save their sanity.
I always give them some bible scriptures that has been my lifeline as well.- also what the Bible says about wicked people who are filled with lies with intent to do evil – to stay away from them.
I tell family members and those I am close to in hopes that they too will learn the signs. But NEVER anyone who I sense has a hardened spirit that would only use my words to mock or discourage me.
Use your knowledge to love and protect others- Dont give the other ones a “rock to throw at you”!!! xoxo

MariaLisa,
I tell everyone. total strangers, family and friends of the N, everyone. Yep.
That’s how I found out what it was. I was telling a stranger – a guy who was trying to pick up on me – about my recent breakup. I told him that my ex was such a liar and never loved me, emotionally abusive and also wouldn’t let go. He told me that I was talking about a malignant narcissist. From that comment, everything began to become clear. So I’ve read many, many books on narcissism. It’s all I do. I just read about personality disorders and personality development. Now when I tell people, I can tell them with some authority about these “creatures”. Do you know what they invariably say? They say, “Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I know someone just like that.” Or if it happens to be someone who knows my ex-P, they begin to make the connections with some of his strange behaviors and begin to understand the root of it. I always explain that it is a case of emotionally arrested development. I tell them, that he is emotionally only 1 year old. I explain that the root of this is from the narcissism that we all experience in our infancy which is a survival mechanism given to us by God. From there we are supposed to build our grown up self, but some don’t and the result is pathological envy and shame, lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, illusions of grandeur, and a sense of omnipotence. I guess, in a way, when I talk to others about it, I don’t really discuss my feelings but dwell more on the psychological profile. It doesn’t matter though because the people all tell me that they imagine that I will have trust issues from now on. They get the fact that this person violated me psychologically and that there is a huge trauma involved.

Dear Maria,

Believe it or not I have been on this blog for over 2 years and I have (though I have tried to) read all the articles in the back archives, I have MISSED SEVERAL and this was one of them. There are HUNDREDS of articles here, and reading them all (I tried to do it in order of their posting) you still miss some. and every once in a while someone comes back and brings up an old one I haven’t read or posted on. Plus, though, sometimes it is good to re-read them because if you are like me, it is difficult to take in so much knowledge and retain it all. thanks for brining this one up.

You are NOT RETARDED!!! LOL

BTW, as far as people who know him, I have only told his mother and 2 friends of his. In the case of his mom, she suspected. In the case of his friends, I think they wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I had VOICE RECORDINGS! They got to listen to Mr. Hyde.
I’m not sure what everyone thinks exactly, but I can tell you that I’m educating as many people as I can. I tell them to read, “Why is it always about you?” and “The sociopath next door”. I also have linked them to Anna Valerious’s blog where she posts a precise yet comprehensive description of what we are up against.
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2009/03/malignant-narcissism-brief-overview.html

Interesting, I just read Donna’s link to her article and that is exactly what I’ve been doing.
Just wait, be patient and learn because your understanding will continue to grow as you read and read and read. Then, when you are further along in your path of knowledge, it will serve you in your path of healing as well as your ability to communicate the facts to others.

You know what has been the most difficult? talking to cops. They are by far the most stupid people on the planet. I truly believe most of them are narcissists. The job is perfect for a narcissist. They usurp power that isn’t really theirs because they are given authority that they don’t deserve. They don’t have to work very hard at all until they are called into action and then they get exactly what they and all narcissists want: attention, adrenalin, excitement, authority.
Read “People of the Lie” by M. Scott Peck. There is an entire chapter about cops and soldiers. Interestingly, Dr. Peck wrote it in 1984 and predicted the war in Iraq because of narcissism. Read that book, it is really good.

It amazes me how a person who once professed to love you can become such a ruthless, cold-hearted demon once rejected. LOL. I have one ex who I get along with beautifully…then I also have an ex who is a narcissist . OMG! A narcissist will go out of their way to destroy you if you breakup with them. Lover beware 😉 Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru … http://tigressluv.com

Dear Ember,

Welcome to Lovefraud my dear! NO, you are NOT alone, you are hurt and betrayed, but not alone. There is comfort here and many of us have found that the comfort of knowing that there are people who do understand the pain of a betrayal by a psychopath/sociopath…but you will recover, not over night, but you will recover and you will gain back your trust in humankind and your trust in yourself…but it will be with a new awareness that there ARE evil people out there and you will be attuned to watch for them, to notice the “red flags” and NOT deny them away.

Again welcome to Love FRaud, this is a good place to be. God bless.

Hi brokenember, I dont know if you are new herr. If so welcome! You are not alone, all of us here are hurting. Some of our stories worse than others however all feelings are pretty much the same. Please read as much as you can to understand this evil disorder. Im only a month out but I am seeing a lot more clear than I was at first. hugs….it hurts like hell, I know.

Dear Brokenember ~ you are definitely NOT ALONE.

I’m glad that you found LoveFraud. It is a great place to be to learn about sociopaths, and heal from the damage that they do.

Welcome!

H2H

I am writing this through tears. Today I picked my 5 year-old up from school, and he announced “Papa’s marrying ____, and she’s gonna be my new mom!’ Just like a sociopath – first to use my son to bring me this news (like every other time), and to do this right before Mother’s Day. I explained not very calmly that he only has ONE mother, and that’s ME. He said “But I love her!” Now I know he has enough love in his heart for the whole world and I should not discourage that, but what a dagger to the heart that was. Then he said, “Maybe when you get married you can be my mom!”. Ugh ugh ugh. I have been vigilant with NC… haven’t seen or spoken to him in a year and a half. He got 50/50 custody because I ran out of money to fight him, and he was able to just say “I didn’t do that” to every charge I made, and of course they believed him. In the eyes of the court, I was just a spurned mother who was mad because he cheated on me. The Family Court Evaluator even wrote that I was “codependent” for staying as long as I did if he was as abusive as I claimed. She further claimed that since I made more money than him, that obviously I stayed because I got something out of the relationship. Oh I’m still reeling from that one. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. I feel sorry for this woman. She is obviously very nice since that’s the only kind he preys on, and inevitably she believes his line that I’m just “crazy” and “poor me having to raise my kid with this lunatic… please help me.” I know it won’t last. The second he moves in (oh yeah – she hasn’t even dealt with that nghtmare) and puts the ring on the finger (I see now why he hasn’t had money to reiburse me for childcare!), he will give her his wonderful “Your money is OUR money” and “You have to give me my freedom to go out while you watch the kid because if you don’t you will be controlling just like my crazy ex”. Over time she will get resentful, but won’t be able to express it because she doesn’t want to be like ME. He did the same thing with his ex-wife in our relationship. I never met her, and I have never met this woman. My question is how do I cope with this? How does someone MARRY a guy with two restraining orders against him and not even bother to get the story from the woman who put them there?? I feel like I should warn her somehow. I REALLY feel like telling her she has no right to call herself a “mother” when all she did was hook up with a con-artist she met on the internet. Do I just ignore all this? How do I talk to my kid about this? Does the ex have ANY right to make my child the messenger for this kind of news? Dear lord I don’t know what I did in life to deserve having to deal with this monster for the rest of my life. I just want him to disappear. Why can’t he take up base-jumping or free climbing or racing motorcycles without a helmet???

Oh my God, free mama Whata knife to the Heart!
Just remember he is a KID ,he doesnt undestand what hes saying. On top of this, his spath Dad probably coached him to say it. How hurtful!”Out of the mouths of babes” alright!
I would just keep on letting him know you are his ONLY Momma. The other lady is NOT his Momma, but a nice friend.As he gets older he will figure it all out, {unless he turns intoa spath like dad, pray it doesnt happen!}
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Love,
Mama GemXX

freemama -= This is very hard for you. But you know what your x is.. If you half way respect this newmama victim and think she will be good to your kid, I would be thankful for that.. There is no easy solution to your nitemare, dont drag your little one into the drama, I feel sorry for your child and you, but what can you do? I think I would try to respect this newmama victim, she may become the answer to dealing with the x…meantime little kid’s with spath fathers need all the mama’s and love they can get..

This is beautiful, and it feels very healing to me. Thought I would share it with all of you, this morning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTrR_twYtfM&feature=related

Peace,
Eden

Freemama

I’m so sorry for you. I’m sure not everybody would agree, but if I were you I’d at least communicate something to the new wife. A word of warning. There is lots of dialogue on this site about that.
But you obviously have to decided what is right for your family.
You may simply speed up her learning although she is unlikely to accept what you say.

I am sorry about your pain. I’m there too. Just remember, you’re winning here because you’re away from him. You are the winner. Stay close with your son, love him to bits, never criticize his father. He will eventually see the truth.

Dear (((((Freemmama))))))

Yes, this was a DELIBERATE knife in the heart….and he used your child to deliver the blow….and your child is innocent in it.

YOU are your child’s mother, and like Henry says, I hope and pray that this is a good woman who will be good to your son and love him, for HIS sake….it will make HIS life easier….and believe me, your son is young enough right now that he doesn’t really understand what a “mommy” is, but just keep on BEING a mommy and don’t worry about what is going on with your X….this can only hurt you if you allow it to. Looking at it from a LOGICAL not emotional stand point is the ONLY way you can cope with it.

Just keep on nurturing your son.

PS go to Dr. Leedom’s web site “parenting the at risk child” there is information there for you that may help you. Liane is a sharp gal and she is raising a child at risk for being “just like his father” a world class psychopath! Good luck and God bless you.

Freemama ~ I wish there were something I could say to make this easier for you.

You obviously love your son very much. Just keep showing him that YOU are his mama, and you ALWAYS will be his mama.

If your spath DOES get married to this new victim, perhaps she can be an ally in protecting your child.

H2H

I wish I had something to do with the pain.

I’m going on 4 weeks of NC. He’s fully back with his Ex.
I don’t know what’s worse, missing him (or, who I hoped he would be), or being angry at myself for not knowing that I was stepping into a big pile of shit.

Ugh. Tough weekend. I need hugs.

Superkid

Super Kid – Yep you stepped in a big pile of doo, takes a while to get the stink out of your system. Your on the right track, watch out for turd’s and here is a big HUG. But you also need a big BOZO button…I am still wearing mine…..oh my…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SK)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

consider yourself cyber hugged.

1stepr’s – Where is my HUG?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hens and his wieners)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

one/joy_step_at_a_time

you know – that’s what i should do today – just cyber hug people!

i had a couple of bad toxin exposures (stupid car) and i feel flat like a pancake. so, i trying to lower my expectations, and just move slowly, and be gentle with myself about it.

and try not to puke.

sounds like a plan – here’s my HUG back at ya – please dont puke on me tho..

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i went to my ‘group’ yesterday – and they are doing renos in there- sigh. 🙁 probably the last time will go, ’cause i feel so bad today, and they haven’t even started painting.

the group is SO beneficial. we were talking about ‘guilt yesterday, and shame came into the discussion. i am not so interested in the moderators and their model, but the people/ and the mix of people is quite interesting (i have only met 5 so far). i was very interested in what one one person in particular was saying last week when we were speaking about grief. this week she and i got pretty deep into a discussion about evil and being shamed. whoa.

it was really good.

i know the space that they meet in is a ‘safe’ space for many people, but i think i ‘must’ ask if, as the weather gets nicer, we could possibly meet outdoors somewhere so that i could join in. i don’t think i should back away without trying.

they will run for may to july i think. so it’s just a few more weeks, but i very much want to participate.

AND THIS BRINGS ME BACK TO HUGS – again, after being in this 3D group, my gratitude for lovefraud and its posters surges up.

so here’s a group hug –

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((THE POSTERS OF LOVEFRAUD ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hhahaha Hens!

i have been thinking about your garden with ponds and fish. did you say you have fountains also?

(((((Group Hugs back atcha)))))))

One/Joy ~ don’t want to spoil the hugging atmosphere, but I do have a question for you. I spent about 2 hours running the roto-tiller in our vegetable garden on Wednesday. Within about 15 mins of when I finished, I got really nauseated and puky. I had NEVER experienced anything like that.

Is that the kind of reaction that you experience when exposed to toxins?

yes 1step – i like the sound of falling water.. I did a job the past few days out of town and dug up a truck load of azaeleas, just got thru transplanting them here and there on my farmette, my climate is not the best for them but going to give it a try, just a few miles n.e. of me in Tulsa OK the azaeleas and dogwoods are amazing, funny how the climate can be so different in such a short distance..
Well I am off to go help my son get his yard, pot’s and flower bed’s beautified for his big mothers day fish fry – I am not invited of course but I want to make him smile and if I am lucky I will get a hug from him – ttyl 1step…

FreeMama:
I know this hurts your feelings…..its hard coming from your baby.
So….what to do?????
It’s best we make decisions with a clear head, and none out of anger.
SHE….the newbie to the spath may not know any different…..YET.
Don’t hate her…..she’s a victim.
Ask yourself…..how can you make this work for YOU.
I say…..in this situation….bite your tongue and do what you can to ‘bring’ her over to your side. For the sake of Jr.
It’s okay if Jr has more than you to love in his life…..its good.
She may be just the eyes and ears Jr needs to keep him warm and loved in spaths care.
Forget how YOU feel…..and start making her (in your mind) an allay.
This could work much better for you than hating her.
If you say something to her……she will only go to the side of her new love, and you will only make yourslef look like everything she was told by him. THIS WILL NOT SERVE YOU WELL!
I’m not suggesting you become best friends…..not good either. But, any opportunity you have to show her….your sweet as pie, loving and nurturning….is your best bet.
Say NOTHING about the spath, or yor feelings towards him. If she asks, leave it as……things didn’t work out. This will make HER wonder, against all the gnarly descriptions he’s shared with her.
You want her thinking….hmmmm, she seems very nice! And SHE is left off balance with her idea of you. She will doubt him very quickly…..and it will become the snowball effect.

Now, with Jr.
Encourage him to accept her….this is good. (as long as she’s not a freak and all). New dupe can and will want to be the best step mommie ever……SHE can’t change her or your status in Jr’s life. So why not let Jr have as much love in his life as possible.
Don’t get your feelings hurt by a 5 years olds expressions…..YOU must be the adult.
encourage, encourage, encourage…….and you will be surprised at the result for your Jr.
SHE is not your enemy!!!
Remember that!

If you encourage Jr to love her and tell him your proud his heart is so open to love……it will build natural bridges that you both will benefit from.

This is the hard part of parenting…..

XXOO
EB

Hens….I wish you were my daddy-0.
How cool your going to help your son!!!!
Have fun today…..and enjoy his company.

XXOO

one/joy_step_at_a_time

H2H – yes, that is part of it for me hope. Be so careful around exhaust – that’s like sucking death.

It depends a lot on what i have been exposed to and over what time period, and how many different exposures i have had. i have some neurological responses that freak me out the most – my face goes numb and i lose cognitive function, and i become anxious Those are the hardest ones for me.

One/Joy ~ uggghhhh, I was thinking that it may have been that. I always try to stay up wind of it, but the breeze was just too gentle this time.

It sounds awful, the stuff you go through. Is there a way to detoxify your system?? I thought that I had read something about that somewhere. I will do some searching and see what I can find for you. TTYL (((hugs)))

H2H

one/joy_step_at_a_time

H2H – for you today – take extra vita c, don’t tax your body, get lots of sleep, drink lOTS of water to flush your kidneys, no alcohol, eat lite, and take an epsom salt bath, and if you can so some gentle stretching (gentle yoga is perfect, especially mid section twists) to help move things through your system.

for me – it’s a long process, and thank you for being so sweet to do research. I am about 2.5 years into this mess. I am doing much to detox. I supplement so that my body can handle detox and i go for infrared saunas and get out into clear air as much a possible, and eat organic food. For now, that is what i can handle $ and physically. I’d love to go off to a spa for three months and just focus on detox and rebuilding. buuut, that’s just a wish. 🙂

One/Joy ~ thanks so much for the tips. I will try them! Funny you mention yoga. I was thinking of starting that TODAY! I bookmarked a link to some videos on youtube just last night. What a coincidence!!

I really love that wish of yours… It’s too bad that folks like Dr. Phil and Oprah only seem to want to help those that are willing to go on TV.

I guess we just have to keep on keepin’ on. Hang in there baby, we’re gonna get there!! 😀

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