Lovefraud recently heard from Janine in Florida. Here is what she wrote:
In May it will be two years since I realized my ex-husband was a sociopath and every day I deal with the psychological nightmare that he has given me. I try so hard not to think about the destruction he has done to me…but every day it is there. Destroyed period.
How can one put this behind them?? Yes I have moved on with my life but every day in my mind what he did to me is there and will be in my brain forever. I have been told to forgive him and I do in a way because I realize how sick he is but it is still there!
Taken, abused, used, destroyed as a woman, as a human being and of course him shoving everything down my throat. Defaming my character, slandering me and doing his best to destroy my life. That is the hardest part, the man I helped the most in my life to live his dreams became my nightmare…I will carry this with me until my dying day.
Sociopaths charm their way into our lives, destroy us, and then leave. They go on their merry ways, and we are left with emotional train wrecks. Anger, shock, betrayal, disbelief, disappointment, sadness, shame, fear, grief, hatred, rage—all adding up to incredible pain. What are we to do with it?
I believe we must allow ourselves to feel it.
Facing the Fire
In 1993, I attended a workshop given by John Lee, author of Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately. Lee talks about anger as a physical sensation that gets stuck in the body. Many of us walk around carrying decades of anger—childhood anger at our parents, anger from adolescent taunts, anger from previous husbands or wives. Unless we do something about it, the anger of the past stays there, affecting our present.
Anger builds into rage. Rage builds into numbness.
John Lee’s book offers techniques for dealing with our anger. Many of us try to intellectualize our anger away. This doesn’t work. Anger is a physical emotion that needs to be physically released. The idea is to do it without hurting other people or domestic animals. Lee suggests pounding pillows, twisting towels, stomping on the ground and breaking old cups and saucers into trash cans. We have to keep doing it until we experience a release.
To learn more on these ideas, read an interview with John Lee.
Experiencing the pain
When I finally learned that my ex-husband was a con man, that he had fathered a child with another woman during our marriage, that the $227,000 he took from me was gone, I had extreme anger—and all of those other negative emotions—adding up to incredible pain.
Luckily, I had employed John Lee’s techniques before—I tried them all, and found that punching pillows worked best for me. I also had a therapist who guided me in experiencing my pain. Because that is what needed to happen.
The pain had to come out, and the way to do it was physically. This meant punching pillows until I collapsed. It meant crying—deep, loud wails. It meant telling my ex-husband, emphatically, exactly how I felt—even though he wasn’t there to hear it.
Make no mistake, this is not pretty. It is best done in privacy, or with a skilled therapist. And it takes a long time, because there are layers and layers of pain—you dig one out, and another one surfaces.
But it works. I can honestly say that the pain is gone—not only the pain of the sociopath, but the pain I was carrying around beforehand that enabled me to fall for his lies.
I have recovered. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man. And I am peaceful.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i went to my ‘group’ yesterday – and they are doing renos in there- sigh. 🙁 probably the last time will go, ’cause i feel so bad today, and they haven’t even started painting.
the group is SO beneficial. we were talking about ‘guilt yesterday, and shame came into the discussion. i am not so interested in the moderators and their model, but the people/ and the mix of people is quite interesting (i have only met 5 so far). i was very interested in what one one person in particular was saying last week when we were speaking about grief. this week she and i got pretty deep into a discussion about evil and being shamed. whoa.
it was really good.
i know the space that they meet in is a ‘safe’ space for many people, but i think i ‘must’ ask if, as the weather gets nicer, we could possibly meet outdoors somewhere so that i could join in. i don’t think i should back away without trying.
they will run for may to july i think. so it’s just a few more weeks, but i very much want to participate.
AND THIS BRINGS ME BACK TO HUGS – again, after being in this 3D group, my gratitude for lovefraud and its posters surges up.
so here’s a group hug –
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((THE POSTERS OF LOVEFRAUD ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hhahaha Hens!
i have been thinking about your garden with ponds and fish. did you say you have fountains also?
Hope to heal
(((((Group Hugs back atcha)))))))
One/Joy ~ don’t want to spoil the hugging atmosphere, but I do have a question for you. I spent about 2 hours running the roto-tiller in our vegetable garden on Wednesday. Within about 15 mins of when I finished, I got really nauseated and puky. I had NEVER experienced anything like that.
Is that the kind of reaction that you experience when exposed to toxins?
hens
yes 1step – i like the sound of falling water.. I did a job the past few days out of town and dug up a truck load of azaeleas, just got thru transplanting them here and there on my farmette, my climate is not the best for them but going to give it a try, just a few miles n.e. of me in Tulsa OK the azaeleas and dogwoods are amazing, funny how the climate can be so different in such a short distance..
Well I am off to go help my son get his yard, pot’s and flower bed’s beautified for his big mothers day fish fry – I am not invited of course but I want to make him smile and if I am lucky I will get a hug from him – ttyl 1step…
ErinBrock
FreeMama:
I know this hurts your feelings…..its hard coming from your baby.
So….what to do?????
It’s best we make decisions with a clear head, and none out of anger.
SHE….the newbie to the spath may not know any different…..YET.
Don’t hate her…..she’s a victim.
Ask yourself…..how can you make this work for YOU.
I say…..in this situation….bite your tongue and do what you can to ‘bring’ her over to your side. For the sake of Jr.
It’s okay if Jr has more than you to love in his life…..its good.
She may be just the eyes and ears Jr needs to keep him warm and loved in spaths care.
Forget how YOU feel…..and start making her (in your mind) an allay.
This could work much better for you than hating her.
If you say something to her……she will only go to the side of her new love, and you will only make yourslef look like everything she was told by him. THIS WILL NOT SERVE YOU WELL!
I’m not suggesting you become best friends…..not good either. But, any opportunity you have to show her….your sweet as pie, loving and nurturning….is your best bet.
Say NOTHING about the spath, or yor feelings towards him. If she asks, leave it as……things didn’t work out. This will make HER wonder, against all the gnarly descriptions he’s shared with her.
You want her thinking….hmmmm, she seems very nice! And SHE is left off balance with her idea of you. She will doubt him very quickly…..and it will become the snowball effect.
Now, with Jr.
Encourage him to accept her….this is good. (as long as she’s not a freak and all). New dupe can and will want to be the best step mommie ever……SHE can’t change her or your status in Jr’s life. So why not let Jr have as much love in his life as possible.
Don’t get your feelings hurt by a 5 years olds expressions…..YOU must be the adult.
encourage, encourage, encourage…….and you will be surprised at the result for your Jr.
SHE is not your enemy!!!
Remember that!
If you encourage Jr to love her and tell him your proud his heart is so open to love……it will build natural bridges that you both will benefit from.
This is the hard part of parenting…..
XXOO
EB
ErinBrock
Hens….I wish you were my daddy-0.
How cool your going to help your son!!!!
Have fun today…..and enjoy his company.
XXOO
one/joy_step_at_a_time
H2H – yes, that is part of it for me hope. Be so careful around exhaust – that’s like sucking death.
It depends a lot on what i have been exposed to and over what time period, and how many different exposures i have had. i have some neurological responses that freak me out the most – my face goes numb and i lose cognitive function, and i become anxious Those are the hardest ones for me.
Hope to heal
One/Joy ~ uggghhhh, I was thinking that it may have been that. I always try to stay up wind of it, but the breeze was just too gentle this time.
It sounds awful, the stuff you go through. Is there a way to detoxify your system?? I thought that I had read something about that somewhere. I will do some searching and see what I can find for you. TTYL (((hugs)))
H2H
one/joy_step_at_a_time
H2H – for you today – take extra vita c, don’t tax your body, get lots of sleep, drink lOTS of water to flush your kidneys, no alcohol, eat lite, and take an epsom salt bath, and if you can so some gentle stretching (gentle yoga is perfect, especially mid section twists) to help move things through your system.
for me – it’s a long process, and thank you for being so sweet to do research. I am about 2.5 years into this mess. I am doing much to detox. I supplement so that my body can handle detox and i go for infrared saunas and get out into clear air as much a possible, and eat organic food. For now, that is what i can handle $ and physically. I’d love to go off to a spa for three months and just focus on detox and rebuilding. buuut, that’s just a wish. 🙂
Hope to heal
One/Joy ~ thanks so much for the tips. I will try them! Funny you mention yoga. I was thinking of starting that TODAY! I bookmarked a link to some videos on youtube just last night. What a coincidence!!
I really love that wish of yours… It’s too bad that folks like Dr. Phil and Oprah only seem to want to help those that are willing to go on TV.
I guess we just have to keep on keepin’ on. Hang in there baby, we’re gonna get there!! 😀