Lovefraud recently heard from Janine in Florida. Here is what she wrote:
In May it will be two years since I realized my ex-husband was a sociopath and every day I deal with the psychological nightmare that he has given me. I try so hard not to think about the destruction he has done to me…but every day it is there. Destroyed period.
How can one put this behind them?? Yes I have moved on with my life but every day in my mind what he did to me is there and will be in my brain forever. I have been told to forgive him and I do in a way because I realize how sick he is but it is still there!
Taken, abused, used, destroyed as a woman, as a human being and of course him shoving everything down my throat. Defaming my character, slandering me and doing his best to destroy my life. That is the hardest part, the man I helped the most in my life to live his dreams became my nightmare…I will carry this with me until my dying day.
Sociopaths charm their way into our lives, destroy us, and then leave. They go on their merry ways, and we are left with emotional train wrecks. Anger, shock, betrayal, disbelief, disappointment, sadness, shame, fear, grief, hatred, rage—all adding up to incredible pain. What are we to do with it?
I believe we must allow ourselves to feel it.
Facing the Fire
In 1993, I attended a workshop given by John Lee, author of Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately. Lee talks about anger as a physical sensation that gets stuck in the body. Many of us walk around carrying decades of anger—childhood anger at our parents, anger from adolescent taunts, anger from previous husbands or wives. Unless we do something about it, the anger of the past stays there, affecting our present.
Anger builds into rage. Rage builds into numbness.
John Lee’s book offers techniques for dealing with our anger. Many of us try to intellectualize our anger away. This doesn’t work. Anger is a physical emotion that needs to be physically released. The idea is to do it without hurting other people or domestic animals. Lee suggests pounding pillows, twisting towels, stomping on the ground and breaking old cups and saucers into trash cans. We have to keep doing it until we experience a release.
To learn more on these ideas, read an interview with John Lee.
Experiencing the pain
When I finally learned that my ex-husband was a con man, that he had fathered a child with another woman during our marriage, that the $227,000 he took from me was gone, I had extreme anger—and all of those other negative emotions—adding up to incredible pain.
Luckily, I had employed John Lee’s techniques before—I tried them all, and found that punching pillows worked best for me. I also had a therapist who guided me in experiencing my pain. Because that is what needed to happen.
The pain had to come out, and the way to do it was physically. This meant punching pillows until I collapsed. It meant crying—deep, loud wails. It meant telling my ex-husband, emphatically, exactly how I felt—even though he wasn’t there to hear it.
Make no mistake, this is not pretty. It is best done in privacy, or with a skilled therapist. And it takes a long time, because there are layers and layers of pain—you dig one out, and another one surfaces.
But it works. I can honestly say that the pain is gone—not only the pain of the sociopath, but the pain I was carrying around beforehand that enabled me to fall for his lies.
I have recovered. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man. And I am peaceful.
Aw that’s sweet you’re co-parenting the ducks Oxy and Hens …. who said long distance r elationships can’t work out??? 😛
I agree the pain takes a long time to heal – especially when the stress blows out into the physical body in the form of chronic conditions. I’ve been battling mine for about eight yrs now – sometimes it’s up and sometimes it’s down, but it’s never the same two days in a row.
I suggest to anyone feeling low after a spath battle, consider getting all your vitamin and mineral levels checked. I was found to be low in iron, b12, vit d and to have an eroded neck disc causing extreme pain.
I found the items quite ironic in their metaphorical value. This means he stole my:
sunshine (vit d)
energy (b12)
strength (iron)
and my ability to hold my head up high (neck disc)
The Lord works in mysterious ways – I KNOW categorically all these things were caused by the stress and upset of the relationship – I had many days where I would cry for 23 hours and not eat anything so deficiency is a natural byproduct.
Hope everyone is having a happy weekend!
polly – I love your vitamin analogy – I take mine every day…
what does magnesium mean? that was the mineral that helped me most.
Oh yes, calm energy = magnesium, but of course!
Let me chime in here (Nursie hat on head) be careful taking vitamins and supplements. There are vitamins that in EXCESS are TOXIC, K, A, D, and E can be toxic in excess (they are fat soluble, not water soluble so will accumulate in the body)….to the point of KILLING YOU.
Magnesium is a heavy metal but is also a trace mineral that we need. IN TINY AMOUNTS. When my cattle were low in magnesium I had an outbreak of foot rot problems….but I had blood tests done on them to see what was going on before I just started throwing minerals at them. Our country is also deficient in selenium as well, so that is another supplement I have to give them.
Keep in mind that just because something is “all natural” does not mean it is ALL SAFE….the most toxic poison, bottullin toxin is ALL NATURAL and even a TEEENY TINY amount will kill you dead’rn a hammer.
A lot of the “supplements” that are sold over the counter are NOT properly labeled as to what is actually in the bottles, and keep in mind a lot of these come from 3rd world countries where the manufacturing of this kind of product is less than sanitary.
There is even a big business in counterfit Rx drugs now being made in back yard chemical factories and sold to pharmacies as the real mcCoy….so be careful what you buy and take.
If you are in doubt you can have your doctor check your levels of vitamins and minerals to see if you really need to supplement.
Also, look for the science-based evidence of RESEARCH studies that are double blind done on these products….you may find that many of them are either worthless or actually harmful.
So a balanced diet of healthy foods, (organic or natural if you can afford or find them) a high quality multivitamin, exercise and peace and calm will do a whole lot for our bodies and minds as well as health and quality of life. Oh, and the American Heart Association recommends less than 1500 mg of sodium (salt) per day (yea, I know, no fanatic like a convert, I’m down to about 500-750 on the sodium and have never felt better…well not recently any way! I feel pretty good for an old woman!) LOL
And here comes one joy to advocate for knowledge that is sometimes outside of the medical paradigm.
#1 the tests currently used by allopathic medicine will NOT tell you everything about your nutrient and vitamin needs.
#2 If we are here dollars to donuts our adrenal and immune systems are well taxed or exhausted. I have yet to meet an allopath who offered me any way to deal with that. I have however, met others people/ processes working outside that paradigm who have: Traditional Chinese medicine Doctors, the women of Health Pursuits Reading Group, a Bowen practitioner, the Dr. Lendon-Smith test kit (although created by a Dr., i was introduced to this process by the health pursuits reading group), etc.
#3 There ARE MDs who work in this area and who understand and are knowledgable. I know of a few – but have yet to work with them (with the exception of my gyno.) I am in the process of filling out some paperwork that WILL put me in contact with MDs who specialize in dealing with rebuilding immune and adrenal systems through the effective and individual use of supplements.
#4 I never buy vitamins at the grocery store – for all the reasons oxy mentioned. Go to any high end vitamin store and see what the more expensive brands are; talk to knowledgeable people (first, find knowledgeable people…:))people and find out which brands are known to be consistent and accurate in their contents and dosage, and of high quality.
#5 don’t follow ‘trends’. Years ago EVERYONE was doing the ‘candida’ diet to reduce yeast in their bodies. I am positive that it was helpful for many (me included), but for others…not so much, and a big waste of money.
#6 Our need for certain vitamins, minerals and trace elements changes constantly – with season, health, toxin loads, stress load, how long we have been deficient, how being deficient in one thing affects our ability to absorb or utilize another. it is as much an onion situation as our emotions are.
#7 ‘suggested’ dosages are not necessarily the dosage we need at any given time.
#8 emotions and what we take into our bodies changes our chemistry. our chemistry changes how we process what we take into our bodies (both good and bad), and our emotions. it IS holistic.
Oxy, i encourage you to go read the health pursuits reading group’s blog. These women have saved their lives through ‘real life’ study and research. I have been thinking about asking the founder to write an article for lf about the bio chemical affects of stress. It’s an important part of healing. I don’t know if she would have time, and of course i need to talk to Donna about it, and see if she would be interested.
best,
one joy
Dear One/Joy,
I know a MD who is also a holistic physician as well and uses alternative medicine in several aspects and I am believe me in favor of whatever WORKS…unfortunately there are too many QUACKS who are out to sell the vitamin or supplement of the week for money without any conscience about what it might or might not do to folks.
I remember when main stream medicine use to allow children’s feet to be x-rayed to fit shoes on them….so even mainstream medicine is not always without some SIGNIFICANT DANGERS….recently there was an article (several actually) about people who were doing CT scans who had poorly adjusted machines and FRIED THE BRAINS of hundreds of people over several years by giving 100s of times the amount of radiation they thought they were using….
Over use of antibiotics have bred bugs that nothing can kill now…so I am as leery of main stream medicine as I am of “alternative” medicine.
I have recently changed the supplements that I take due to some research showing that the supplement I was taking was NOT effective….not harmful, just not effective for what they thought it would do….and so I quit it. I try to take as LITTLE MEDICINE as possible…and as simple a medication as possible (older kinds of medications that have been around for millions and millions of doses) rather than jump on the newest medication out there. I use coated aspirin for my joint pain, rather than some of the “stronger” newer things, but also get checked to make sure it isn’t eating my stomach up (just got the all clear on that with my upper GI check up) and diet and exercise and low sodium have managed to take care of my high blood pressure and high blood sugar without medication….
My cholesterol is a little bit high but sure as heck don’t want to take the statins for that, so am eating enough oats that I may start to whinney here before long, so hopefully that will bring them down to an acceptable level. I actually picked good ancestors medically for the most part as most of them lived well into their 80s or above so that helps too. I have been active most of my life, so that has helped too.
Stress did take a horrible toll on my immune system, and I ended up with 4 life threatening infections over a 3 year period….but in the last 3 years I haven’t even had a bad cold so I think my immune system is starting to come back around to a healthier state than it has been, especially during the 3 years when my husband died, my step dad died, and the summer of chaos came around and I had to run and hide.
When I was in college I studied about the effects of stress and the Holmes and Rahe stress studies are very interesting….and my score was in the THOUSANDS and 300 “points” is “high”! No wonder I got sick.
I’ve continued to read about the effects of the stress hormones since college, as a lot of progress has been made in the study of the effects that they have on the body, mind and spirit. Not only chemical changes but actually PHYSICAL CHANGES in the brain and in the entire body….amazing stuff.
That is why I think it is so important for us (as survivors) to decrease the stress and drama in our lives in order to heal…as long as we stay in the spin cycle with our head in the blender, we are not going to be able to heal. We must step out of the whirlwind and find a place to lie down and recouperate.
Hi Oxy,
Just like any other thing, there are steps and measures that we can take to avoid quackery (well, except in ducks) in allopathic medicine AND in alternative or complementary medicines. I advocate applying the same standards to whomever/ whatever I am dealing with: does the practitioner know and understand my health history; do they get the holistic picture; do they listen; do they have enough experience with the illnesses i have to be helpful; do they explain the course of treatment adequately, and can they tell me why they recommend that course of treatment, it’s advantages and dangers; do they integrate my feedback about the efficacy of the treatment in their plan. And if it is applicable (as in , can i find out) – what kind of rep do they have? If it is a service i have to pay for, does the number of paid visits seem reasonable?
It’s also great if i like them and they are ‘warm.’ This matters less in a surgeon, than say, in a body worker. Trust is important. Do their recommendations and work prove out over time?I had such a great MD for 9 years before i moved here – I felt cared for, and helped. I have all my med records from him, and at every visit his first question was: ‘how are you’, and he would write down the answer. then he would ask me about my folks, and he would write down the answer, etc. I had an acupuncturist that was that way also. (he’s the one who broke the worst of my fatigue) His partner did an intake with me that lasted 2 hours. 1 of my telling them about my health, etc., and 1 of his partner telling the head acupuncturist my story VERBATIM while the head guy took my pulses and asked me a few questions. These guys were amazing. I wish i still lived near them (3000 miles is too damn far). They even have ‘needled’ orchids all over the house where their practice is. When i left that area, i left my orchids with them.
I do not bow at the feet of medicine – my mom was an RN, and i have seen that behavior hinder her healing. If she had been able to accept other possibilities and NOT follow the MDs advice blindly, her quality of life would have been much higher. Nor do i get on the band wagon with the newest fad or ideas in supplementation.
As you said, there is more and more good information about how stress hormones affect us, the physical changes that are wrought, the diseases triggered. I just don’t believe that western medicine has most of the answers, or knows best how to use this information to promote health.
OMG – the little girls who live up the street are carrying their white dogs through the woods again (i am thinking, ‘why are their sheep in the woods??) – it’s funny as hell, the dogs are almost as big as the kids. one of my big joys is watching the kids cavort in the woods with their dogs. They are so responsible with them.
Really good documentary on our bio chemical response to nature, and its healing effect:
http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/episode/2011/05/04/urban-by-nature-documentary/
Hi Mama Oxy
You make some good points. I’m fortunate I’ve found an MD who is open to natural nutritional treatments. I’ve been tested inside out and was under a rheumatologist for the vit d and calcium supplementation.
Sky – you might want to be careful with the multivitamins. I used to take them but recently my specialist told me to stop – apparently a research report just came out a few months ago that showed women who took daily multivitamins had a 19% higher risk of breast cancer than those who didn’t. I so agree with you re magnesium – I take mine transdermally by pouring three cups of mag chloride flake into a bath and it really does relax the whole system – brilliant stuff! Just what we need after all the stress we’ve been through. Magnesium is an essential mineral for around 300 cellular processes in the body and in particular the nervous system – just what we need after the stress we’ve had! Apparently mag can help with body pain caused by trapped calcium in the cell tissue – mag pushes out the excess and balances to equilibrium within the cell – we’re meant to have a ratio of two parts mag to one part calcium in our cells.
I think when you have a chronic health condition, you’re willing to try just about anything. I’ve certainly tried some snake oil cures in my time. Conventional medicine doesn’t seem to understand the connection between the chronic stress of these relationships and the chronic health conditions that many of us manifest later on.
Hens I found the metaphor enlightening lol Hopefully you’ll be fine with your vitamins … the study only followed women!
Facing the fire… it seems throwing dishes might be my thing. If I imagine my ex-fiance were present right here with me, that’s exactly what I feel like doing: throwing dishes on the floor. Too bad, I don’t have old ones 🙁