Editor’s note: This article was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.” It refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Religious and spiritual beliefs are of extreme importance to people. More than their beliefs of themselves, people adhere to religious and spiritual doctrines because they give them a strong sense of continuity, comfort, and meaning. Teachings and rituals often fill in the gaps of what we cannot provide to ourselves or process as a result of living, dying, and the random events in Life that cause us to question, “Why did this happen?”
The first thing that an invading culture or nation does is to take away or abolish the religious or spiritual systems of beliefs of the vanquished. Aside from taking away native languages, this is probably the most humiliating and defeating of all “punishments” delivered to the vanquished because the core beliefs that sustained that culture (tribal, or national) are not only removed, but completely invalidated. Because these core beliefs run so deep, the culture and individuals are stripped of identity, meaning, and value. After the native religious or spiritual beliefs have been dismantled, they are replaced with those of the conquerors. Either go with the program, or risk losing businesses, homes, and/or lives.
Forgiven of their sins
In my personal experiences, my spirituality had always been a factor in how I was easily targeted, and so completely manipulated. I was raised in the belief (religious, spiritual, and cultural) that every human being deserved compassion and understanding. The spiritual and religious doctrines held fast that everyone should be forgiven for their sins and/or crimes, and given the “benefit of the doubt,” as well as a “second chance.”
The perpetrators hear the words of forgiveness and acceptance, and usually exhibit a brief spurt of “regret” for “what happened,” but typically return to their previous damaging behaviors. In some religious systems, it is taught that a person is forever forgiven of their sins and crimes if they accept specific teachings to be true. What this generally translates to for sociopaths is that everything that they ever did, are presently doing, and will do in the future is magically absolved, and all they have to do is speak the words and literally act out scenes of “transformation” for this to be accomplished. In the World Of Sociopath, they are given the “green light” to continue their abuses with impunity because they have “already been forgiven,” according to doctrines.
Using doctrine against me
Organized religious or spiritual groups are the most fertile trolling ground for the disordered because of these facts. In my first marriage, the abusive ex-spath used our marriage vows as a weapon. If I disobeyed the abusive ex-spath, then I was disobeying God. Consequently, he insisted that God had given him the Divine Expectation to exercise “husbandly rights,” and that I was committing a sin if I didn’t give in to his demands, regardless of whether they were sexual, financial, or otherwise. In essence, I would burn in Hell if I disobeyed him.
The second ex-spath used my need for spiritual and religious grounding to his advantage as well. Unlike the abusive ex-spath, the second one painted himself as a devout follower of Jesus, and had experienced “true miracles” that he described, in detail, as evidence of his connection with God. He also played on the fact that he had attended a Bible college and had intended upon becoming a pastor. Of course, he never completed the required courses, but he could spout some religion and passages with incredible and convincing authority. He used my own ignorance of Books and Verses to his best advantage, and all the while asserted what a “humble” person he was and how money had “no importance” to him except as a method to “pay the bills.”
We are what we believe
Whether the entanglement is with a spouse, significant other, parent, sibling, coworker, or member of the church, temple, or program that we are involved in, it is vital to understand the link—and difference—between religious/spiritual beliefs and core self-beliefs.
Precisely how these two systems of beliefs are targeted, exploited, and dismantled by sociopaths is very simple: we are what we believe. If we believe that everyone deserves to be forgiven, then we forgive even when the person clearly doesn’t “deserve” it. If we believe that we are responsible for everyone else’s happiness before our own, then we will set aside all reasonable expectations of reasonable behaviors in lieu of “fixing” everyone else’s problems for them. If we believe that we were born sinners, then we are ashamed of having been conceived and born at all. If we believe there exists a heaven and a hell, then we will act accordingly to enter one and avoid the other, and do so by the requirements of another mortal human being. If we believe that expressions of sympathy and compassion are to be given to everyone, then we feel obligated to tolerate behaviors and choices that are often inappropriate and unacceptable. These are the things that religious and/or spiritual sociopaths intuitively recognize and exploit to their advantages.
Religion and power
When we read about religious or spiritual leaders engaging in the most heinous behaviors and crimes, we have no business even acting as if we’re surprised. Power corrupts, and there is nothing more powerful to human beings than their systems of beliefs. That’s not meant to translate that we shouldn’t feel shocked that someone would abuse their positions of power, but it is a fact that those who are in power didn’t get where they are by simple altruism, even with regard to religious/spiritual leadership. Every human being carries secrets, and no one can claim to be the example or epitome of what their higher power dictates as perfection.
Before anyone chooses to take offense at these observations, I want to clarify that I am not opposed to any individual wishing to adhere to their chosen religious or spiritual beliefs, as long as those beliefs aren’t espoused in hatred or intentional harm. What I hope for readers to take away from this is the importance of caution and self-validation. God, Great Creator, Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddha, Vishnu, or whomever we hold as our “higher power” has already gifted us with everything that we “need” to realize our own potential and value in this vast Universe. If something or someone causes us to feel uncomfortable, DE-valued, unworthy of love, obligated because of their own humanity, negative, or emotionally drained, then we need to step back, re-evaluate our systems of beliefs, and figure out whether our core beliefs are flawed, or the person that’s causing the discomfort is. Then we need to alter our beliefs, choices, and decisions accordingly.
Belief and abuse
I have witnessed countless scams, cons, and abuses perpetrated by “devout” individuals. They used their membership in their churches or temples as a cloak of respectability to continue abusing, exploiting, and ruining other human beings. “God says that you have to ______, or you’re going straight to Hell,” is a verbatim phrase that I’ve actually heard on several occasions from the abusive ex-spath, church members, and religious leaders.
Not one human being is the sole keeper of the direct cell number to speak with God about meeting these requirements. We must trust our gut instincts that we were gifted with, and protect our self-beliefs, first. Without strong boundaries and healthy “Self-isms,” even empathy, sympathy, understanding, and forgiveness is misguided and can result in serious self-damage.
Religious and/or spiritual sociopaths gather a host of minions, as well. Many of these participants themselves have sociopathic tendencies, and find their own sense of influence, power, and control as they enable and assist in the leaders’ machinations. Other minions are so personally damaged or unstable that any association with the leader provides them with false validation and acceptance they will even do murder if it gains the approval of the leader.
A brief and incomplete list of convicted contemporary religious and/or spiritual sociopaths include is available on Wikipedia.
Of all sociopaths, religious/spiritual predators not only destroy lives, but they destroy core beliefs in one’s Self. The religious and/or spiritual sociopath can not only dismantle a human being’s finances, sexual identity, and physical/emotional health, but they have the ability to end lives of innocent men, women, and children in the name of religion.
This article is SO important and thank you for writing it. It should be posted on the front door of every church, saying ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! I grew up in a household that did not discuss religion. As I got older and left home, I had my own spirituality and beliefs and still do.
As an adult, the worst abuses on my life and core beliefs were dished out by fundamentalist christians. I will never step foot in a church again due to the abuses I have endured and after what happened to my daughter starting with her bio father who wears the “Jesus’ SON” shirt. His family who I had great respect for, I have none now. They are the most hypocritical excuse of human flesh I have ever met. For instance, comupters are evil ….until they find a need for them. Then they are fine because of this and that, forget all they said before. Tattoos are evil….until their children start inking themselves and it ‘s suddenly ok because of this and that. etc etc. I could go on and on.
I fear for the unsuspecting woman who runs into my daughters father. He is fishing on christian dating sites and has laughed aloud to me about what he gets away with carrying his bible and reciting scripture. I was naive and he got me. I got so twisted with his abuse of religion to me that I started to hate (a word never used in my home until him) any church. I look at religion with disdain. I want to honor my God on my own. My daughter is seriously confused after hearing sociopaths version of religion how God is going to make her sick and die if she doesn’t forgive him because the bible says so. He’s a scary man but cannot get over the “devilled eggs, devils food cake, etc”. Laughable when you are not a child or naive adult. Funny how anything he does is forgiven but he never forgives or allows anyone to forget anything they have done so he can shove your face in it as a sin. My child is illegitimate and conceived in sin so I MUST marry him for her souls sake.
I believe he got into my life through his false preaching. His pastor was from an Assembly of God church I went to with him and he had a psychology license. I found out later, he wasn’t even ordained! He collected tithings for years and wrote them off! He wasn’t a legitimate PHD, he lost his psychology license for the fraudulent letter he wrote in my child custody case on church letterhead (at his house church) signed as the senior pastor and psychologist with fraudulent credentials, vouching for the psychopath while in prison! In those hearings I was stunned finding out the Aof G actually sued him to get him out of their church. He had duplicated forged documents regarding my complaint. He used the AofG church as his own property on financial documents to move up from his $150k condo to a $750k house!
This “senior pastor” who was now vouching for the father said to me years prior, “he is only about 2% of a man and even with hard work he will never be more than 5%” of a man! This phony psychologist/phony senior pastor has authored 2 books, fictional religion, LOL, and created his own personality test! People have not been hired due to employers using this frauds self proclaimed personality testing. The first book went away due to the findings in the investigation of his letter by the state as a publisher can be held liable for falsified credentials on a book. Second book is self published. I cannot say loud enough to be careful of false religion.
A dead giveaway of my ex is he says “it doesn’t matter what you have done” which is in essence giving him permission to do what he pleases and all is forgiven as your article states. I beg to differ. It does matter what you have done in my relgious belief and you will be held accountable. I would much rather be held accountable here on earth.
“My life is a lifetime movie” shows a man who was part of the terrorists (I think it was) came to the US and picked a victim (single mom with kids) as his cover so he would not be suspected of his international crimes. Where did they study and find was the best place to find such a naive unsuspecting woman? CHURCH! They said it is where you are most vulnerable. Beware.
Eralyn:
Your post makes me sad. Because of what happened to you, you will never, ever step into another church. It’s really tragic because all churches are not like that. I think I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for my church. It is so awesome and I get so much from it.
Having said that, I get it. It’s the same way I feel like I will never, ever date again…I feel ALL men are the same so you feel the way about churches the way I feel about men and it’s tragic for both of us because I can attest that all churches are not like that and I am sure that there are some good men out there, but I am not about to find out. It’s awful all the way around. 🙁
Adelade and Eralyn,
There’s no doubt that churches are the perfect mask for spaths. A church is like a “victim kit”. It comes complete with a 180-degree mask and a group of vulnerable, gullible and forgiving victims to plunder. Additionally, if the spath gets lucky, the church comes with a ring of predators already safely ensconced in the holy of holies, welcoming the spath with open arms. A church has everything a spath could want.
Edit: not all churches are that way, but they can all become that way without vigilance.
Spaths do have excellent masks and when they play the “good guy” role, it’s very very convincing. Looking back, I know that if I met my spath again for the first time, I would absolutely fall for his performance of being kind and compassionate. He plays it very well.
BUT Now there is a difference. I know the red flags. I know the roots of shame and envy and their tell tale signs. These flags and signs were ALWAYS juxtaposed against his good guy performance, but I ignored them because 1) I didn’t know what they meant 2) we all have flaws, right? and 3) He’s a good person deep down, I can tell by his actions. right? WRONG!
As good as the act may be, when you see THE OPPOSITE tell tale signs, you know that the rest is AN ACT. What were these signs? Well, there was the envy. He would literally take my food off my plate or out of my hand and eat it. His gift giving was usually to give me something HE wanted and only make a down payment so I’d have to pay the rest.
A different spath that I knew, was unable to say anything complementary about my parents’ new house because he was envious. Another spath, got angry whenever I disagreed with him. Another one, pointed out that I had said, “Yes but…” To him that was a negation, a sign of being shamed.
Edit: another one kept saying, “It’s not YOUR beach”, when I welcomed him to our community beach. He couldn’t stand the thought of my having my own beach so he made sure to reiterate that it wasn’t MINE.
The list goes on. My point is that if we are awake and aware we can SEE what they are. They may perform well but they can’t hide all of the shame and envy. It gets sent out in little projectile missiles, here and there. Those are the clues that we can’t ignore.
Lastly, I’ve seen many people get attacked by spaths and STILL say, “well, it’s probably not a spath, it’s probably just someone who is hurting or confused.” WHY? Why deny what we are seeing so blatantly? Because we don’t want to believe that there are so many of them out there. But there are.
Revise your world view. The world is filled with as much evil as you see. Pretending it’s not there isn’t going to make it go away. Shining a light on it, will.
Adelade,
This is one of the MOST WELL WRITTEN ARTICLES ON LOVE FRAUD!!!!
You are so right in the way that our own spiritual aspects are used against us by the psychopaths and abusers, scammers of all kinds.
I believe that humans have a “spiritual aspect” whether the person believes in a “god or higher power” is beside the point, the SPIRITUAL aspect is built within us irrespective of our religious beliefs, which I think are developed to answer to this spiritual aspect of humanity.
In the books I have been reading lately, “1491” and “1493” and “Guns, Germs and Steel, the fates of Human Societies” the very aspect of conquest that you talk about with the destruction of religion, culture, language is discussed at length.
You can look at the Middle East right now and see what is going on there is a culture clash more than anything. People using their “direct cell number to God” to dictate how everyone else lives. “Believe and live my way or die, infidel!”
In the Middle ages when the Catholic church held sway over most of Europe the inquisition dictated that you must believe this way or die….I am sure that I must have had some ancestors who lit the fires of the condemned as well as had a few ancestors who burned in those fires. It is the way humanity has been since we worshiped carved rocks in caves.
I too was brought up that God would forgive everything…funny thing it was the sins against me that he seemed to forgive the most readily, but the sins I committed myself were held against me forever. (at least by by egg donor) My desire to “obey God” was used to make me do the will of the egg donor, with the threat that if I didn’t God would send me to hell to burn forever.
By the time I was 5-6-7 I was terrified of God and afraid that I might die with just ONE unforgiven sin which would send me to hell forever. I remember actually wondering if I saw I was going to die if I would be quick enough to say “father forgive me” before I croaked and thus not go to hell. What a horrible thing for a small child to be indoctrinated with.
While many people are turned away from even believing a higher power by such early indoctrinations I realized that I didn’t need egg donor’s interpretation of the Bible to tell me what it said and I started reading it with “new eyes” and it was amazing the wonderful things I found out. Like for example, you can “forgive” someone (get the bitterness out of your own heart) but NOT trust them and NOT reestablish a relationship with them. (Read the story of Joseph of the coat of many colors for this concept) and I could go on…and on…there are so many wonderful precepts to live by in the Bible, so many teachings that show us we do not have to be door mats in order to please God or to be “good” people.
Thanks for this WONDERFUL article, Adelade! God bless.
Thank you Adelade for your post. My biggest breakthrough in healing from religious abuse was making the decision to see myself through God’s eyes and not through anyone else’s eyes. I totally bought into my mother’s perspective on me and everything. It was when I “made the decision to recover” from sociopathy that I was able to come to terms with the lies and change my direction. I could tell so many stories about their lies – it goes on and on.
Soooo true – when the spath commits outrageous crimes – all should be forgiven. When we forget the fork for the dinner plate – we are punished for weeks. Spath says “you have to forgive me.” I say “well isn’t that convenient for you.” (Sarcasm) I also ask myself now – who is the $$, attention, time for ?? Is it “for God” or is it for you, spath ?? And just how did what the spath wants really become what God wants ?? Hmmmm.
Whatever your system of beliefs out there – a Bible scene that helps me is Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple – they were deliberately cheating the people. He heavily criticized the hypocritical leadership to their faces.
Abuse is abuse is abuse. No matter the sparkly words or fancy clothes. I also find it helpful to remember the conditions for true forgiveness – remorse, apology, changed ways. And I still remember the disorientation I felt when I made the decision to stop seeing myself through spath’s eyes – I was that used to being abused.
Thank you again Adelade and Best Wishes
Hi, Thank you for this article, it touches upon a struggle I have right now. I am dating and in love with a wonderful woman right now and we are doing great but my struggle is her devotion to a guru, Sogyal Rinpoche, who seems likely to be a sociopath or at least exhibit sociopathic qualities. More than 20 women have come out saying this guy raped them and some say beat. One woman brought him to court and the guru settled out of court for 11 million dollars (he beat her badly and raped her) anyways I found this all out via just doing a search on google and finding everything from newspaper reports to victims talking on forums etc. The man is very powerful and wealthy and continues his abuse, the stories are horrible. Two years ago a Canadian company made a documentary about him which you can find online now.
I have collected some of the articles about him and others that abuse their power and posted in my forum called EXPOSE: INJUSTICE at http://ironfeather.com/bbs/viewforum.php?f=31 and welcome others post post stories about political or religious leaders that abuse.
It is horrible as people look up to these leaders for hope and teachings and are betrayed. My girlfriend has seen the documentary and read the news articles but is still in his organization and still gives him money.
Oh, did I mention that the guru tells his female followers that if they have sex with him they will be blessed and gain enlightenment quicker?
This whole topic is a tricky one as the abuse is usually hidden and those duped are struggling with it all.
Thanks again for this article and sharing. I think that thanks to the internet victims have a bit of power by posting and sharing their experiences.
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“It is ugly for young and idealistic persons to be treated as expendables, whether in service to a guru’s lust or to the ambitions of statesmen.” — Winston Churchill
Stevyn, I’d be running in the other direction of the girlfriend, quite frankly. One of the most valuable lessons that I”ve learned from my spath experiences is that I do not have the power to “save” anyone except myself.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: The reason I’d be running like my behind was on fire would be for the reasons in the article. Above all other systems of beliefs, religious/spiritual beliefs that are ingrained are of more “value” than the beliefs that we hold of our own selves.
Stevyn,
I’m afraid I agree with Truthspeak…this kind of “spiritual difference” between partners is something that ultimately will destroy the relationship. It is difficult to “give up” on a person you truly love, but at the same time, if she is unwilling to accept a preponderance of evidence that this man is EVIL (sort of like te followers of Jeffs that “Mormon” who is in prison for marrying the 70 under age women, and his followers are STILL loyal to him and following his crazier and crazier directions sent out from prison.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for an excellent article, Adelade! I have experienced abuse in a church of a mainstream religion, and it was exceptionally awful, because it cut straight to my most vulnerable and best self. As you have said, that is why it is so totally devastating, and it helped to set me up as a victim of a sociopath. Though it was in an academic setting, it was nevertheless life-crushing, and I am still recovering. Lovefraud’s the comments and articles have been instrumental in this, so thanks to Donna and all of you!
Don’t remember where I heard it, but for me, this saying gets straight to the point:
“Avoid anybody or any group who uses religion or spirituality as a means to gain access to your brain, your pocketbook, or your panties.”
My ex used to demand that I forgive him and never mention it again; “it” referring to any manner of abuse, or manipulation, or deceit, or threat.
And yes, I was defrauded into trusting him and eventually marrying him by his steadfast claims and impressive portrayal of a deeply moral, devoutly Christian, man of integrity. He sure could “talk the talk.” But it was all an act. I still can’t believe I fell for it.