By | December 3, 2012 17 Comments

BOOK REVIEW: The No Asshole Rule

Here at Lovefraud, most of the conversation is about the sociopaths we’ve encountered in romantic relationships. But sociopaths are equal opportunity exploiters, and are often abusive in some way to almost everyone in their lives. Therefore, we can encounter sociopaths anywhere—especially in the workplace.

I recently read a book that’s helpful for avoiding, or surviving, abuse on the job: The No Asshole Rule Building a civilized workplace and surviving one that isn’t. The book is written by Robert I. Sutton, Ph.D., a professor of management science and engineering at Stanford University.

Yes, there is a mild obscenity in the title, and the A-word appears throughout the book. Still, I’d describe the book as delightful. Why? Because Sutton understands the problem of nasty people, is entertaining as he describes it, and conveys positive coping strategies that leave you feeling like you can deal with anything.

What is an asshole?

First of all, whom are we talking about? Sutton differentiates between “temporary assholes”—someone who is cranky on a bad day, and “certified assholes”—people who are persistently nasty and destructive. Here are Sutton’s two tests for identifying certified assholes:

Test One: After talking to the alleged asshole, does the “target” feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, does the target feel worse about him- or herself?

Test Two: Does the alleged asshole aim his or her venom at people who are less powerful rather than at those people who are more powerful?

Most sociopaths meet these tests. It’s probably fair to assume that all sociopaths are assholes, although not all assholes are sociopaths.

Damage in the workplace

Sutton believes that every organization needs the “No Asshole Rule” because, he writes, “mean-spirited people do massive damage to victims, bystanders who suffer the ripple effects, organizational performance, and themselves.”

Those who demean and offend others drive people out of organizations. According to research quoted by the author, 25% of victims of bullying, and 20% of witnesses of bullying, leave their jobs, compared with a typical rate of about 5%.

Turnover costs money, as do the other problems that problem people cause. In fact, instead of relying on anecdotal evidence, Sutton recommends that organizations calculate their TCA, or “Total Cost of Assholes,” by assigning dollar values to factors such as:

Loss of motivation and energy at work

Stress-induced psychological and physical illness

Reduced innovation and creativity

Time spent appeasing, calming, counseling or disciplining assholes

Time spent “cooling out” employees who are victimized

Time spent interviewing, recruiting and training replacements for departed assholes and their victims

Legal costs for inside and outside counsel

Settlement fees and successful litigation by victims

Surviving nasty people

Many people are working for or with assholes. The best solution is to leave the hostile environment and get a new job, but that may not be possible, especially in today’s economic environment. So Sutton provides tips on how to survive toxic workplaces.

One technique is “reframing”—changing your mind-set about what is happening. This doesn’t necessarily change the nasty person, but it reduces your psychological damage by changing how you look at the situation.

For example, some victims of bullies begin to believe “I must have something wrong to be treated that way,” especially in cases where the bullies are actually saying that. Most of us here at Lovefraud have never done anything to deserve the treatment we received from sociopaths, and the same applies to bad treatment from workplace bullies. By understanding that they are what they are, and we should not take the demeaning behavior personally, goes a long way towards protecting our spirits until we can escape the situation.

The No Asshole Rule has great tips for dealing with all types of bullies, tyrants and sociopaths, whether we meet them in the workplace or in our personal lives. I highly recommend this book.

The No Asshole Rule is available on

Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
Notify of

Donna, thank you for this review! I LOVE the title, even if it can be construed as vulgar or profane – it says what needs to be said in the title, alone! LOL!!!

Everyone that I’ve ever known has worked with someone who was a “problem child.” Whether they were situational, or certifiable, behaving badly on the job absolutely creates a ripple-effect that moves beyond the company/business and into the customer/client realm.

I particularly like the idea that SOLUTIONS and suggestions were offered to readers on how to manage these types of people! There are so many, many, MANY books out there that identify, define, and explain, but they don’t necessarily provide strong techniques on how to manage specific situations without becoming “like them.”

Thanks for posting this review! If I win the lottery, I know about a dozen people that I can send this to, along with copies of your “Red Flags” book!!!!!

Brightest blessings


Truthy! i’m sittin here counting all my past experiences with these people and running out of fingers and toes! LMAO!! yes i can see how some A__holes are spath but not all. some just arent special. LOL!


Ox Drover

This sounds like a “lighthearted” look at sociopaths, and a realistic way to look at what people encounter in their every day lives. Rather than using the terms psychopath or sociopath, the author gets across the problem (people who are abusive) and differentiates between the “temporary” jerks and the “permanent” jerks in a way that “ordinary” people can understand and relate to.

Everyone understands the term ASSHOLE and can identify what one is pretty easily. And I think everyone can identify a temporary versus a permanent version.

I think this sounds like a valuable book, I wish it wide distribution.


I put this book in my cart at Amazon. I like the author’s style of writing and I’m looking forward to reading it. I’m getting my degree in Human Resources so it might come in handy if I’m involved with the hiring process.

It seems I am always looking for signs of disordered people now, I can’t read enough literature or gather enough information about them.


P.s. I wonder if we all get a little like that after a sociopathic encounter, almost an obsessive need to know about them. I think that it will help protect me from future spath interactions but I will probably be fooled again at some point. Just lord, don’t let me EVER get into a relationship with one again.


I’m in a mood which would have me send this book to my ex’s boss and/or co-workers, but I understand the importance of no contact and grey rock (thanks to this wonderful site) so I shall restrain myself.

you can send it anonymously.


Hi HopeforJoy, Always looking for that ‘other’ item that I can add to get the Super Saver Free Shipping at Amazon, I see that there is a companion book, Good Boss, Bad Boss: How to Be the Best… and Learn from the Worst, a compilation of stories ‘Based upon the thousands of letters, emails, and conversations Sutton has received since the publication of NO ASSHOLE RULE, he now focuses his common sense approach to what it is that delineates the great bosses in our world from the ones who are just good, so-so, or even worse.’ This looks really interesting to me, and something that might interest you in your work.

I work with volunteers a lot and I feel responsible for them. I would like to be better at choosing and supervising them. I have had a little mentoring, but mostly I have figured it out through working with people. Would like some training.

Right now i have a roster of friends who are helping with everything from scheduling people to help me, to cooking, to taking me to my doctors’ appts to doing my laundry. it takes a huge amount of coordination and knowing/ finding out which tasks work for people and which don’t. I have one friend who was not able to handle the intensity of a hard doctor’s appt., so I will no longer ask him to take me to appts – because he is a good friend of mine, and I am a good friend to him, I know that this is best…even though he keeps offering. I have asked him for help with things within his comfort zone, so that neither of us end up stressed and our relationship isn’t strained.

One thing I still have trouble judging is when I have asked for too much time from people. because of the nature of some of the work I do, the volunteer responsibilities can be extensive over a condensed period of time – sometimes i don’t know it’s been too much for a person until after the event. The litmus test is always: do they come back?

Way off topic here, but the point is, i do care about people working for me. Assholes don’t. There are times when the nature of the work makes me or a company look like an Asshole, there are times when I do asshole things – but I am not AN Asshole.

I’d like to read both of these books. Thanks for bringing the first one to our attention, Donna.


Hope, its so good to “see” you! And, yes – it is tempting to send a copy of the book to the exspath’s supervisors, but the institution where he is employed is a HOTBED of assholes and sociopaths, so it might end up being another “textbook” for the disordered.

Onejoy, one of the hardest parts about working with volunteers is that they’re not on the clock – they aren’t being paid for their time, and many of the volunteers that I worked with were very abusive of this. They would trade work for studio time, and most of them came in with the notion that they were going to “change things around here” to become more efficient, etc. Most volunteers have an agenda in most cases, I’ve learned. It’s to either pad their personal resume, enjoy being associated with social/artistic/whatever groups, or something even more nefarious. It’s determining who is actually there to benefit the program, organization, or whatever it is that makes accepting volunteers a chore.

I once suggested that volunteers where I worked be interviewed and submit to a criminal background check, and the director responded that it would be an unwarranted expense. I let the matter drop because it wouldn’t be my head on the chopping block if something happened as a result of the director’s choice of volunteers. So be it.

Where time is concerned, that can be a quandary. It depends upon what they’re doing, why they’re doing it, and whether or not relieving them and passing the baton to someone else to finish the job is appropriate. Ugh.

Brightest blessings


truth – I covet my best volunteers and take them with me from organization to organization. 🙂


Onejoy, some volunteers are better than paid employees, I agree. Most of the volunteers that I worked with (I was on the payroll) had a definite personal agenda, and the Director simply didn’t care if those agendas would be harmful to the facility and program.

So, I learned to shut my mouth, keep my eyes open, and document. 😉


My father is a proud wearer of the “asshat” of the family. He speaks of his acceptance of being an asshole. He fits many if not all definitions of a sociopath which gave him grace from me and the damage done to me forgiven many times over until I was tired. I appreciated him being an upfront asshole unlike others who wore the sheeps clothing. My mother has a love/hate relationship with my father and I am his only biological child. They are still married after many years but I have inevitably had to dodge her from putting that hat on my head. Just this summer I screamed at her “Stop trying to put his asshat on my head. I WILL NOT wear the family asshat proudly like he does and you seem to be the only one doing everything to pass it on to me! I don’t want it and I am not him!” You should’ve seen her face. I said this after repeated statements of “you’re just like your father” because I told my daughter to stop stepping on my shoes under a table (scuffing them up), telling my daughter she needs to behave in some way. So parenting made me just like my father in her mind because she worked to keep that asshat on him and not on herself. Right now I see them both wearing them. I do love them. It’s just a fact.

Later I found the asshole he admitted to and proudly claimed, was only a portion of his plight and the reality was he had some sheep outfits. He hid some uglier asshole parts of himself and I then learned don’t let your guard down to the guy who seems to gladly acknowledge he’s an asshole because he probably has even worse issues hidden.

I would also like to say, many of the men I worked with or partnered with in business were said to be type “A” personalities. There were tests we took through the human relations department and these men would come out proudly carrying their “A” for a result. What they didn’t know is to those of us who didn’t get an “A”, we knew this designation didn’t stand for “leader, gets things done and motivated.” It stood for “ASSHOLE” 🙂

My attorney was a type “A” personality and I told his timid paralegal and receptionist this fact. I also told them it stood for asshole. They had a private giggle of knowing. It seems many of these men have their faces turn red when they get mad. I wonder if this is where the name “hot head” originated..:)

Ox Drover

Eraslyn, yes, there are those who are proud to be assholes, and generally in my experience those people are also psychopaths or at least VERY high on the trait scores.

Of course there are plenty of A-holes who are just jerks….inconsiderate, but not “mean”—who don’t go out of their way to hurt you, and don’t delight in duping you (duping delight)

I don’t tolerate those well either. I think I will just stay away from that kind of A-hole.


Dear Hopeforjoy,

Having worked for a sociopath please allow me to insert my two cents.

Look out for the following:

A perfect resume.
Jobs where they are self employed or working for friends.
References who are not past supervisors.
References who barely know them.
Degrees without school names or dates.

Sociopaths can stay in one job for a long time, and are often promoted.

As an employee:
Unusual expense accounts.
Lots of wining and dining on company time and dollar.
They are always mad at or trying to get at least one person fired. (they always need a target to vent their spleen)
Will have multiple interoffice affairs.
Will need time off for legal matters or court.
Wages garnished.
Multiple calls verifying employment.
Taking credit for other people’s work.
Always needing extensions for due dates.
Showing up to work in yesterday’s clothing, unshaven and stinking of booze.
Addiction problems.

As a manager:
All of the above and more!
Always trying to get someone fired.
Subverts the hiring process to hire ‘friends’.
Staff are promised things that cannot be delivered on (training, promotions, trips).
Staff are on edge, not sure who to trust.
HR is demonized by the sociopath – “don’t go to them expecting help”
Manager will never share credit when speaking with superiors.
Staff experience the same ‘honeymoon phase’ as sociopaths in the wild.

Hint: if you think you are about to promote a sociopath internally you can ask for references from former employees. Call up people they’ve had fired and ask for their input.


Plaid and Stripes:

OMG…so many of these fit the spath I knew:

Sociopaths can stay in one job for a long time, and are often promoted

Will have multiple interoffice affairs

Will need time off for legal matters or court

Taking credit for other people’s work

Showing up to work in yesterday’s clothing, unshaven and stinking of booze

Addiction problems

As a manager: (He is even way higher than a Manager)

All of the above and more!

Subverts the hiring process to hire ’friends’

Staff are on edge, not sure who to trust

Staff experience the same ’honeymoon phase’ as sociopaths in the wild

And he keeps getting promoted!!

Ox Drover

Plaid and stripes, I think I found out more when I was in management by talking to the former EMPLOYEES of someone I was interviewing for a job or promotion rather than their former bosses.

Now, I don’t mean that all managers have too be “popular” with their employees, but they must over all be looked at as FAIR….and HONEST… believe me as a manager I was not always “popular” with some of my staff because I insisted they do their jobs, but in well run hospitals where I worked my staff that were there very long and I got on wonderfully because as long as they did their jobs they were happy and I was happy and I had their backs. In units were they were not well run, I stayed on the arses of those who did not do their jobs but they had no significiant consequences and I had no power to give them any, eventually they usually got fired but it didn’t make for a happy situation with people who didn’t do their jobs on the unit.

If someone is given the RESPONSIBILITY too manage and NOT given the AUTHORITY to manage the situation is always unhappy. If you throw in to the mix a psychopath….it gets nasty fasty!

Send this to a friend