Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
I could have seen it as an attack, but I did not. 🙂 I knew you were trying to share something valuable, for hurtnomore, and it was a valuable post for me as well. And I actually agree with your pov on the retrieved memory. But I was aware from the start that my concern for a possible skewed patient-therapist relationship might come off as trying to devalue the memory.
I have forgiven in the past, sometimes before the healing was actually done… the “high road”, because I did not want to live in anger or hatred. I had this immensely with Inspiring Soul, but then I could not forgive life itself for a long while, until I surrendered myself and life came to save myself.
I won’t forgive my ex. I already know that. I didn’t deserve what he did, but I don’t seem to hate him anymore (I think). But I know that eventually I will end up pitying him (not in a nasty “high road” way) for never being able to see, experience and feel the beauty of life in all its myriad of colorful emotions.
Nobody deserves to be used like a tool for people’s own twisted games and boundless needs. And I don’t believe in “mysery happens to you so you can learn”. However, I’m a firm believer that everything can be turned into an opportunity to grow and learn, and survivors are those who make the most of the opportunity.
Skylar – Thank you. I hope my younger children (15, 13 and 7) will see it that way too. I know she will not stop trying to contact them. She is at a residential academic program in another state.
My heart goes out to you being unprotected – it sounds like you’ve got it together.
I’m sharing this article with my friend of 30 years, who divorced his spath wife after she tried to kill him and then claimed he tried that on her. The latest is, she thinks they’re going to have a friendly “picnic,” and he answers with a smile and a maybe, hoping not to set her off. If he’s traumatized, that’s a pretty reasonable response, I’d say.
Dear Virtual mom,
I have had to walk away from my P-son, and also from my non-P but very dysfunctional older son as well….and my dysfunctional egg donor and I’m her only offspring…so yep, I don’t have much “family” left—-and people have said to me about my P-son who is in prison for murder, “but you cannnnnn’t give up hope, he’s your soooooooo-n” Well, YES, I CAN.
Same thing on my poooooor old “mommy” “if you don’t make up with her before she dies, you’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.” Well, NO, THAT’S NOT TRUE. I thought long and hard before I went NC with her, I went NC with her because she has used and abused me, and has enabled my P son even after he tried to have me killed, and she has lied to me, continued to lie to me about that…..so no, I will not regret that I haven’t made up with her. I won’t be at her funeral either.
It is frustrating when people try to guilt you into having a relationship with someone who is dangerous and toxic just because you are blood related. BLOOD DOESN’T MEAN SQUAT! It is how people treat you. And, no one has a right to treat me the way my P son and my egg donor treated me, or my other son either. I will not be abused. If someone wants to abuse me, they are OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER.
I have had to learn to validate my own opinion, and even if I am the ONLY one in the world who has that opinion, I still have a right to my opinion and my feelings and my choices.
Just because Columbus was the ONLY one in the world that thought the world was round, it didn’t change the shape of the earth one bit.
So, welcome virtual mom, you are not the only one here who has had to NC your offspring…there are several of us. A psychopath is a psychopath and just because it is your child doesn’t mean you have to continue to allow abuse. I emotionally “buried” mine when he was about age 12 or 13, and he is 40 now, I wish I had actually done this “burial” sooner than I did as I only actually did it a few years ago, but the little boy below age 12 or 13 was a pretty good kid that I loved very much….past that age, he is and was a stranger….he is not my “son” but a malignant and dangerous creature. My baby boy is gone….no longer part of this earth, just as my late husband is dead but I can cherish the memory of my late husband, I can cherish the memory of that little boy—but not the stranger, not the evil person who wants me dead.
Somebody lost my check this morning. Just couldn’t find it where I left it. I kept saying, it’s there. Finally, I broke down and said I would replace it, and by the way, anyone who tries to cash the original check (actually two of them) will be arrested for fraud.
I got a text message back: They just found it. It was next to their inside door, blah blah blah, not next to the outside door. How in the world can you miss . . . . ?!
I think I’m getting the two original checks back, too. Yeah. That’s what’s going to happen. It’s a sure thing.
Kathy, I agree with your take on the “forgiveness” and the thing is that we can forgive them (quit being upset about the past, but not condoning it) and NOT TRUST THEM ANY FURTHER THAN WE CAN THROW THEM….I do not want a relation-shit with my egg donor because it would be a lie, and a way for her to continue to abuse me. So I am NC with her….just as I am NC with the P-son….I try to keep an eye on what they are up to but only for self preservation because I know she funnels him information about me, and the less information he has the better.
As far as “repressed memories” some are I know false, and some are real—-but like you pointed out, if they are real or false it doesn’t matter, the PAIN IS REAL IN THE NOW….and that is what must be addressed.
As an incest and rape survivor, I know the pain, shame and so on of being molested, abused, and blamed for my own abuse, and NOT BEING BELIEVED….I realize now the shame is not mine to own, but should have been his, but he HAD NO SHAME because he had no conscience. I can, however, validate my own truth, my own knowledge of what happened.
Memory though is a fluid thing, and the eye witness testimony of many criminal cases being over turned by DNA evidence shows that we humans have fluid memories that can be influenced by a lot of things. I also know that my memory has been adversely effected by the PTSD and there are things that I “should” remember that are totally NOT there as memories, and other things that I “remember” that people who were there remember happening differently….and that “gaslighting myself” feeling was mind numbing for a while, and disturbed me very very much that my memory was SWISS CHEESE with big holes and also “remembering things that did not happen” that way was also disturbing, but the mind fark that the stress of PTSD does on us is awful. I am learning to accept myself with MUCH less than a perfect short term memory, and cope by using lists and also cope by BEING EASY ON MYSELF WHEN IT HAPPENS AND NOT BOINKING MYSELF AS BAD/INADEQUATE OR WORTHLESS when I have a mind/memory fark.
KF, I feel your pain. Really. It just tears through me.
I want to tell you all kinds of promising and optimistic things. But I know you’ve already read that from me, and that you have to go through the feelings to get to the other side. But here’s a hug, a big one. I’ve seen your self-work and I have total faith in you.
Darwinsmom, thanks for the note and clarifying that your concern was about the therapeutic relationship. That makes a lot of sense.
And a belated greeting to everyone who welcomed me back. I worked all weekend on a new post. I’m still working on it. It’s still boring and preachy, the hallmarks of the worst of my writing, and hopefully it will be improved enough to post next weekend.
Back to work…
Kathy
KH, Your writing is NOT boring or preachy. BOINK. Don’t put yourself down like that. Your writing is wise, and accepting, kind and insightful, generous and healing.
Thank-you for the hug. Usually I feel like I’m past the raw pain and grief. I seldom feel really angry anymore, and I have gotten to forgiveness with most of my abusers, so it kind of surprised me when I encountered this feeling of injustice within myself. It just isn’t fair. I deserved a whole lot more than I got.
I can’t stop crying. I don’t what to do. I can’t live like this anymore-it’s more painful than the exspath. I can’t get work and I am going to lose everything at the end of the month. I keep calling out to GOD and he’s not listening. Nobody is listening and nobody understands.
Oxy, I just read your post. And related to your last paragraph on memory — and before I forget, I’m so glad your posting under your name and loved the post — here are a couple of thoughts.
I agree with what you say about witnesses. God knows, I’ve been in enough arguments with people about what “really” happened. But for the purposes of recovery, I think the most important thing isn’t necessarily what happened out in the “real world,” but what happened inside our heads and hearts. That’s what we have to heal.
As always, you are my hero. A big hug —
Kathy