Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
Thank you Oxy! So very happy to be here. Very, very grateful!
Doing better today. No longer want to call him/get my stuff back/have him “come back” in order to “prove” that he fits the bill of a SP by following the “they always come back” formula, in order for me to know I was not the crazy one as he said (and I almost believed, as you know). Thank you all. B
Kathy,
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING HERE…in fact,, I did an article about “running your life like a business” we must invest our time like a business would invest money and assets.
if it “don’t pay” we have to quit investing in it.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/10/09/running-your-life-like-a-business/
It is funny how we (and I am including myself here) are smart when it comes to investing money in something….or can stick to a monetary budget, pay important things first….etc and yet we invest our energy, time and emotions over and over and over in FANTASY RELATIONSHITS….ones that are continual losers and give us nothing but pain.
Running our lives in a business like manner and cutting out those people and things that COST US MORE THAN they are worth is very important to our healing and our growth I think.
It is amazing just how peaceful my life has become since I have cut out the “bad deals” people and events, things that are just “more trouble than they are worth.” People and things that cause me stress are no longer welcome in my inner circle.
It opens up more room and more time and more energy to invest in things that show a POSITIVE RETURN ON INVESTMENT.
And you know, interestingly enough a good friend of my son D’s and mine is married to a Drama queen and he and I have to have some interaction with her in order to see our friend…but I set some boundaries for her,, and it is amazing but she has responded positively to those boundaries and She has gotten to the point that being around her is no longer 100% negative, I can actually enjoy being around her in at least limited amounts, and the “cost” to be around her is more than off set by being able to visit with her husband. I’ve even spent the day with her lately and it wasn’t too bad….I just enforce the boundaries.
Bodhi, We bandie about a lot here, and we often say things like, “they always”, or “they never, but, in reality, while they have remarkable similarities, they are all unique unto them-selves.
Mine had most of the charactoristics, but a few he either didn’t have, or I just never saw them. For instance, I never knew him to apply the smear campaign. I never heard him smear his X wife, or any of his old girl freinds. Now I realize it’s because he prefers to keep them all hood-winked about his good-guy image, so that he can keep them as possible, “friends” maybe with bnefits? Or, at least keep the option open of returning for furthar supply.
They don’t ALL come back. But a lot do, so prepare yourself, just in case, because it’s quite possible he will be rearing his ugly head, again, very soon.
Glad to hear you are feeling better, today.
Dear Hope2heal,
Yes, the PTSD makes the short term memory worse…and ours has improved through the years…at first after the plane wreck (BIG STRESS) we literally could not read, because by the time we got to the end of a sentence we couldn’t remember the words at the first of the sentence enough to make sense of it. We would watch the same movie 2-3 days in a row and not be sure we had seen it before. (this was verified by others) Or we would watch it and then the last line in the movie would trigger a memory that we had just seen it a few days before.
I also had big HOLES in memory that were things I SHOULD normaly have remembered. Also I used to be able to recall a LONG STRING of numbers and say them back, nearly 100, and do them backwards, forwards, or skip every other one. I got to the point I could only remember ONE number at a time. I could’nt even remember a phone number or punch it into a phone without writing it down, and punching it in, then crossing off each number off the list…..it was really bad!
Now I can remember my own phone number and slowly, by thinking really hard say it backwards, but that is the extent of my short term number recall. If you gave me your number I couldn’t remember it forward…much less backwards….
My psychiatrist had told me that my STM would get better and it has gotten better, BUT it is not what it was and I think after 7 years it is about as improved as much as it is going to get.
I really STRESSED OUT about it, but my therapist gave me an IQ test and I scored the same as I have always done on one, so I haven’t lost my smarts,, just short term memory and also some word finding problems from time to time. I have also noticed that my reading is MUCH SLOWER than before, and I do have some problems with new learning and really complex stuff that I didn’t have before. I think at this point the changes are permanent and not likely to improve a lot.
I also took a test recently to see if I was “At risk” for developing Altzheimers and it had some memory fjunction stuff in it, and I scored well enough that age related the results were that I was “Not at risk for developing Altz” and there is no family history of dementia in my family and most of my ancestors lived into their 80s with pretty much intact mental functions. Egg donor is emotionally labile but she isn’t “insane” and I think is more dysfunctional than confused though she also has some STM problems but she is 82…
Recognizing that there is a problem and accepting that problem for what it is I think is the key to dealing with the memory problems, but not letting it become a BIG STRESS in itself.
I didn’t like feeling stupid or feeling that I was getting senile…and I realize I’m not stupid and I’m not getting senile, I just have a problem with STM and I can live with it and it isn’t going to derail my life or my thinking. Son D also has a problem, he realizes it and so do I, and so we manage together and not let it derail our relationship when one of us moves something and “hides it” from the other one because we forget to put it back.
Hi Hope to heal. Yes, they intimidate some people, but others like them, kind of admire them because they themselves are bad people (though no psychopathic). And those feel entitled to answer such horrible things like “you’re the crazy, duped bitch that fell for his lies” and some others that are no better do not say it but think it. This is the reason psychopaths are so dangerous according to me: because of this type of simply bad people that do not feel responsible for anything. A decent person would feel ashamed of hiding such important information to somebody who is being used and duped.
Sarah and all,
I tell you sometimes I read stuff here on LF that ends up saving my sanity and this article is no exception. Though I’ve come to understand PTSD and the likelihood that it will persist and be triggered for many months/years, I had it in my mind that it would be triggered a bit differently than it just was for me (yesterday).
I was, as you’ve written about, a woman who had been attracted to psychopaths through out my life. Some good men in between, but now that I’ve looked back on my life with a new and clearer lens, a lot of the men I had short term relationships with were paths or near abouts. The last one was about 4 years ago, and LF was the landing spot on the internet that began my education about what I was ‘finally’ dealing with. And though this last path was brief (as they have all been), less than a year; the cumulative effect of these brief interludes left me hollow and emotionally shattered (hence the name Slim One, couldn’t eat/sleep/function).
Well, fast forward and I am now functioning pretty darn well. Most all of my life is on track (debt from his conning is still underway, but improved), and I have lots of my dignity and self-love back. Part of this good life I have regained has come in the form of a wonderful man, who was my friend for a year, then my boyfriend for 10 months, and now my fiance.
Here’s what surprised me. We got our marriage license yesterday, and we were both excited and happy. But last night I didn’t sleep, not a minute. And through the course of the looooong night I rehashed many of the path experiences I have had. And I realized I had been triggered, by the event, and that my body was just waiting for him to reveal himself as a monster. My body remembers how after any ‘happy’ experience with the sociopath the shoe would always drop, and ultimately in the end the person would reveal themselves in all their horror and dysfunction!
I went through a night of feeling my body be in fight or flight and just kept breathing and staying aware of what was around me (sleeping kitty and fiance, cozy condo, and breeze through the window). Remembering this article was one of the things that helped me through. I kept telling myself that it was physiological and a natural response to triggered trauma, and it did help me stay connected to my sense of OK-ness, and that things would feel different in the morning.
It also was huge when my sweetie woke and I told him I was staying home since I had not slept a wink (and nothing else), and HE said he thought I probably hadn’t slept because of getting the license and that he wondered if I had gotten triggered. He totally understood, without me saying a word. He is a good and smart one! He has had his own run-in with a psychopathic ex-business partner, who nearly destroyed him.
Well, I hardly ever post. But I thought this might be helpful for someone else who has been, or could be, triggered by a happy event, that brings up the bodies fear of the past.
Healing to all who post and visit this site. It has truly saved me on many an occasion.
Slim One
Dear Slimone,
Thank you for that wonderful post and I am sure it will be very validating to those of us who get triggered by even a happy event. Glad you are having a good relationship with a good and caring man. Congratulations! I wish you much happiness in your life together! TOWANDA!!!!!
Dear Oxy ~ Thank you, thank you THANK YOU!! Your post makes me feel oh so much better!! I have thought for a long time that I was experiencing early onset alzheimer’s or some such thing. WOW! STM just frustrates me. I have trouble remembering movie details, and don’t remember things I’ve read anywhere nearly as well as I once did.
I need to do some research and figure out how to improve this. It could be part of the reason why I have not been able to focus my thoughts enough to compose a letter of application, etc. I have been unemployed for a couple of years now, and the self-esteem level is pretty low.
Kim Fredrick
I agree with your post. They’re all individuals. We do say “always” and “never” but those absolutes don’t always hold up.
I think that’s why there is so much confusion – we check checklists (is he this? is he that?) wanting complete verification that he’s a SPATH and we haven’t lost our marbles.
I think that’s also the value of the real thought leaders in this space – for example, the proposal about the inner triangle, where there is a confluence of CORE issues (lack of moral reasoning, lack of impulse control, and I forgot the third) that help us identify SPATHS.
Anyway you have a totally valid point.
Superkid
Superkid,
I don’t believe all (not at all) sadistic, machiavelic or paranoid personalities are spath. Spaths are a very specific type of creature, with its psychological and physiological traits.