Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out. My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
Thanks so much for that resource, one joy 🙂 I’ve also heard hypnosis can be incredibly helpful to some PTSD victims. Especially to someone like me who believes everything everyone tells me (which was the main reason I fell so hard for that liar). It’d be so great if someone could undo all of that with just some simple words of encouragement, you know what I mean? I respond SO well to positive re-enforcement, and I give it to others all the time, but rarely feel it back. I know happiness must come from within, but when you’re used to an external force brainwashing you with kindness, you need some GENUINE kindness to really start healing/trusting again.
And like you say, it’s NOT a bad relationship! I’ve had a few of those now. They’re not the same. They’re just awkward/wrong/weird. They don’t leave you feeling destroyed and devastated and paranoid. They don’t leave you apologizing to the man who cheated on you. It’s awful!
I hope you stop fearing your spath soon, because the next step is hate, then forgiveness. I’m working on forgiveness now, which is the absolute hardest. But with a lot of self-discipline, it is getting better.
But you should never fear him. He’s a coward, which is why he had to lie to you, because his true self is pathetic. It’s nothing. I was terrified of mine too though, and constantly obsessed with what he thought of me and how he judged me, even long after the breakup.
It’s the most freeing thing in the world when you realize you JUST don’t give a sh*t 🙂 It may not happen this month or even this year. But one day, it’ll just hit you randomly. You just stop caring about his opinion or thoughts or words. When that day hit me, I finally took a hit back and Facebook messaged everyone in his life (including the new boyfriend) to let them all know exactly what he is and how his mind works 🙂 He went through and tried to log into their accounts to delete the messages, but many of them wouldn’t let him.
And now they’ll all be thinking it. Even if they think I’m crazy, as he’s brainwashed them to believe, they’ll ALL be thinking it. Every time he lies, slips up, or hurts someone… Hmmm… What’s a sociopath again…? 😉
I take some pride in knowing that I have permanently changed his life and made his game a lot harder
Dear new winter,
It is sort of like a roller coaster ride, with ups and downs and switch backs, and you will think “I am all healed” and then something will hit you and you go back to square 1 or 2—that is normal, so don’t get in a RUSH, just take one day at a time…one hour at a time if necessary. It is normal to want to “get it over with” and get done healing, but it takes TIME and work…just be patient with yourself and with the healing, it will come. Keep on reading and learning…about him and about yourself as well. (((hugs))))
Thank you so much Ox 🙂 hugs back to you, you always help so much. Roller coaster is right– Have a great night!!
new winter – i do hate the spath. i fear her still, also (but much less so) but i fear/ feel disconnected from the things that remind me of her, whereas you hate the things that remind you of the spath.
i do not care about her thougths, opinions, words; that has been gone a long long time; and i have outed her in all the appropriate places. i don’t know if i have made her game harder. quite possibly.
new winter said :
Really interesting article, thank you! I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to hear from friends or family or therapists “Oh I remember my first breakup! I was so heartbroken and sad and ate ice cream for two weeks!”
omg, ditto. it really perhaps inadvertently trivializes the reality of your situation. i mean the thought process certainly comes from a place of naivete ( they often don’t know any better, even though they like to think they do ). I’ve experienced this in several forms. So frustrating and feels somewhat invalidating ( though it might not have meant to ). And painful, even more.
i also wanted to add new winter, forgiveness is not a necessary step to healing ( from an encounter with a sociopath ). personally i think it doesn’t quite register logically, but I respect those who choose to forgive based on their own circumstances and/or leanings.
I would also invite you to check out the following article on healing and forgiveness by Kathy Krajco ( RIP ). I think she is spot on, and her logic coincides with my feelings on the subject.
Healing & Forgiveness by Kathy Krajco
I must say that my environment reacts very supportively and openly. When I say it turns out it is someone with psychopathic traits, they are open-minded enough to know why I say that. And when I mention, it’s not the break-up that I’m dealing with, but the whole of the relationship and what I mean by that (the aftermath effects), then they simply listen and nod, and express the understanding it’s not just a bad or hurtful break up. I don’t pour my story on them in details.
It’s true one/joy, you end up back seemingly at square 1 at times. Last night, my dreams were almost like ordering me around. Don’t remember exactly what, but they were task dreams. It was like a rally, where I had to accomplish something and move something and then reach the next point for another task. I’m certainly dealing with a lot of emotional stuff in my dreams, because when I wake up it’s a new insight day. And this morning I had flashes of very early events, the first few weeks, within the relationship and I could finally feel how hurtful those small events were. Don’t remember what exactly it was anymore, but I felt the cold uncaring real man behind the mask at those instances, and I felt hurt at the time. I just did not acknowledge it then.
All in all though, for me it still means progress. I would not have been able to remember the feelings of that deeper layer, if I had not yet dealt with the pain of the more obvious issues.
Thank you so much for your replies,
Any similarity with the username was entirely coincidental. It was available at registration, so I went with it, none the wiser. However, I have changed my name now so as to avoid any further confusion, and thank you for letting me know : ).
On the subject of no contact… towards the end of when he was free, I began no contact, and it lasted a few months including over the time where he was put to jail on these current charges. I had no choice as the harassment had grown to such a level. The main problem is that his family is basically my family, and closer than my own. It has made it difficult to avoid hearing from him. Despite the fact that even if the rest of his family are oblivious, his mother does understand his spath tendencies.
There was a time a couple of months back, where they all believed, and managed to make me believe too, that after he was sent to jail on this occasion, that he had turned a corner and was making good progress. This was what reestablished contact. At this point I feel silly for believing him. I see that he has changed in some small ways, but those are only ways that have fine-tuned his abilities to get what he wants out of people, including me.
He was in court for violating probation (for a failed drug test), and on 5 new charges. They had video evidence for the 5 charges, but he convinced the judge that he thought he would get 14 yrs solely for violating probation, and he “said” that he still wanted to be a dad to his daughter someday, so the judge dropped all the new charges. However, in the past 2 weeks, they have changed probation officers, and the new guy in charge of his case says he’s not pressing for jail time over a failed drug test. So he will basically be able to walk from what we thought would be 21 yrs, if a new judge agrees.
His mother knows he shouldn’t be out, but she didn’t want him to be put in prison for more than a decade, so she fought for the new charges to be dropped too, thinking he would face time for the violation, now is facing the prospect he could walk away from everything, and put the family through what he did before. But she believes he is sick (yes true) and feels sorry for him because of it, and feels he needs healing, and it is more about his drug addiction than his inherent personality.
However, she says that he cannot forgive herself if he walks and hurts or kills someone this time which she knows is not impossible.
Everyone else seems to have believed he has changed and deserves a new chance at life. Yes, he is very charming.
None of them know my address right now, and I have just moved 2 states away, and the only address they have is a PO Box. My spath has frequently said that his mistakes for us not working out involved not following me when I have moved before, and that he would just fly in at airports in future and call me when he gets there, because he thinks I’m too nice to leave him there.
We do not have children together, though not for his lack of trying, as he said many times, he wanted me to be tied to him.
The problem is that I see glimmers in there of the person I once thought he was, and I cannot face that a person is beyond redeemable. I have said to people, yes at times he can be very thoughtful. I know how foolish that sounds in the face of everything. But deep down, I know that he destroys my energy, or any good energy I have for life. He turns me black inside, like he is. Nothing is ever enough. Someone told me recently that if he wasn’t in prison, I would have been devoured 5 times over by now.
I used to feel empty, drained and sick after only 2 weeks in his presence, let alone the rest of it.
My reactions to him have turned visceral. When I have contact from him, or even not from him, but he tries to reach me through sending messages through others, it brings about a reaction to this sensation of being pushed or manipulated where I am so angry and sad and attacked and where I already feel like an empty shell left by the side of the road after what he has put me through over the last 3 years. It is a similar story to many others here I am sure.
The contact I had from him yesterday was where he was implying that I should be there the week he walks out of there so that he’d have someone to have sex with. The strange thing is, that he put it in such a way that that wasn’t clear to me during the phone call. I knew something was wrong and it took all the strength I have left to disagree to everything he was saying because it was my instinct, but it was only after the call that I realized what it was truly about, and I blamed myself for not standing up to him even more than I had tried to.
I feel like I need to remain in contact with his family or him at least for the next month because I need to remain aware of what is happening with regards to his release. It frightens me every day. He is an angry, relentless person. And a black hole, to whom nothing is ever enough, and nothing will ever fill it. Sometimes he can be very calm, and very reasonable sounding, and he is getting much better at this. Especially recently, I have noticed. However, I am beginning to feel that this is not him changing his life for the better, as others are saying, but I’m actually thinking he is just becoming better and more aware with hiding his intentions.
Thank you so much all for your support. It took a lot of courage for me to post here as I have been in a very small mental space (if you know what I mean) for many years now.
Dear Snowsettled,
quote: The problem is that I see glimmers in there of the person I once thought he was, and I cannot face that a person is beyond redeemable.
I am the mother of a psychopath who is in prison right now for murder—been there for 20+ years, and he is soooo good at convincing folks that he has been “redeemed” etc….that my egg donor (Female DNA donor) supports him against all the rest of our family…which is small as I am her only child and my two bio sons are her only biograndsons….and the thing is that THERE IS ALMOST ZIP, ZERO, NADA chance that he is redeemable.
Holding on to the “hope” which I call MALIGNANT HOPE just like cancer eats us, so does this malignant and aberrant hope and the only way to survive this is to cut it out…..just like a cancer operation to remove the malignant tumor is painful, we must cut out the malignant person from our lives. Total NC.
Sometimes as with the malignant tumor, we must also lose other tissue such as an arm or a leg…..and with the psychopaths we lose the collateral relationships to people we love. I am NC with my egg donor, and essentially NC with the rest of the extended family because of it all.
My son is still in prison because I hired an attorney to FIGHT his last parole hearing, my egg donor hired one to fight FOR him to get a parole….I will continue to fight his paroles, but will most likely have to go into hiding (again) if and when he gets out. I’m 64 years old and will have to leave my home and go somewhere else, and he will stalk me with the idea to kill me if he can. I know that…but in the meantime. I have chosen to live in caution but not terror, but I have cut the cords, and the ties, with the others who support him.
I’ve got to put myself first and recognize that HE IS NOT REDEEMABLE no matter how much as a mother I want him to be.
God bless. I know it hurts.
@dancingnannies Thank you for that Kathy Krajco post on ‘forgiveness’!! I’d been looking for it for some time now, but couldn’t remember where I’d read it. Duh, of course it was Kathy Krajco’s – who else could it have been (she wrote such wonderful stuff)?
Also, it’s always good to send people to her site from time to time. Since she’s passed the only thing keeping that site up is the number of hits it gets (which I believe is still very high). Her stuff is so powerful.