Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
It bothers me that most of us who have been victimized by predators are viewed by the mental “health” professionals as being “mentally ill”. I’ve been noticing more and more that when public officials speak about mental health services they NEVER speak about victimization. Which leaves the sublte but oh-so-powerful insinuation that we need services because we’re “ill”, not because we’ve been “injured”.
I found a blog written by/for mental health professionals, and posted the following comment after a post about what mental health practitioners really think about their clients. That post was such a superb but insidious example of ‘othering’ that I had to comment:
==================
“I worked with therapists for many years: social workers, GPs, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc” Some of them gave me short term relief, but none of them provided me any assistance that worked for the long term. In fact, most of the guidance they gave me was detrimental in the long term. None of them ever identified the real problem, even though I’m sure many, if not most, could have identified it.
A serious illness left me off work with time on my hands to do my own research. Researching corruption in my field of work (financial services industry) led me to the book “Snakes in Suits”, which introduced me to the term “psychopath” (which I, like most people, had always associated with “serial killer”). My world started to shift, and what for years had been inexplicable re: my family of origin suddenly started making sense. Predictable behaviour and situational patterns emerged and everything started to line up and become clear. From there I eventually found my way to the term “sadism” (which, again I had only associated with de Sade and sexuality). And there, finally illuminated, was my mother ”“ in all her “glory”. Luckily for me, my father, paternal grandparents, and maternal grandmother were loving, kind and caring, which provided a good deal of ’immunization’ against my mother’s influence (but not, unfortunately, from her harm). I have classic PTSD type problems, but I am an honest, loving, hard-working person. No thanks to the many many therapists I saw who always made any mention of my mother’s problems verboten, and made my therapy “all about you and your behaviour choices”. What’s really turned things around for me in the ’home stretch’ of my self-therapy is an understanding of victim selection, and how growing up with a sadist/psychopath sets you up to be the world’s perennial prey unless you get the right kind of help. And in this regard is where all of my past therapy was the most dangerous: it trained me to convince myself I was exaggerating fear instead of clearly and accurately learning WHAT to be genuinely fearful of, or that as a former victim, most particularly as the former victim of a sadist, my vulnerability is heightened.
What I’ve finally learned to conclude is that most mental “health” professionals, like most of society, have neither the skills, training, inclination, nor courage to understand what is involved in the most severe interpersonal violations. Most of society is truly afraid and prefers to deny its existence, which then leads to patronizing its victims. […]
For most of those victims, the only ’diagnosis’ that is required is naming the situation ”“ not the individual! And from THAT diagnosis, giving them sympathy, compassion, and then appropriate skills to recognize and deal with it (which requires putting yourself in their shoes and seeing them as equals) is really all that’s needed. If, after THAT, the individual remains disordered, THEN you might look at diagnosis of the individual.
For the uninitiated I would highly recommend:
1) read about the Greyson/Stein study;
2) find the documentary “I, Psychopath” available for free download on the net and review the work of Professor Angela Book (starts at 34 minutes into the doc);
3) teach your clients how to recognize interpersonal violation and victim selection, and what to do about it
e.g. http://www.protectivestrategies.com/victim-selection.html
Annie, interesting site. Thanks. But seems it refer to mostly physical violence. You’re right most of people do not want to recognize emotional/psychological violence is VIOLENCE.
YIPPEE!!
TODAY IS MY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!
on May 17, 2009, I escaped from the spath after 25.5 years with him. OMG, I’ve got to celebrate. No matter what the hell I’m suffering now, no matter what the aftermath, it is a blessing to know that I escaped. I think I’ll rent the movie, Shawhank redemption.
Thank you Donna and all the posters who got me through the first few months. My gratitude is endless, no matter what.
I never would have imagined that complete strangers would be my salvation. My family was not what I thought. I had no friends left. A total stranger, in a sushi bar, explained malignent narcissists to me. He might have been a spath or N himself, (he touched my leg and felt it for muscle tone) but he pointed me in the right direction and I learned, thank God.
((hugs)) to all of you for saving my life and continuing to do so every day.
@Annie I would be devastated if Kathy Krajco’s blog were to ever be taken down. She is a beacon of light amidst the whirlwind of information out there, some of which is downright unhelpful and even more damaging (ie : S*mV*k ) for those who’ve encountered sociopaths. I think her material is saved on webarchive, so hopefully it never becomes an issue. She may not be here in flesh, but her message is carried by all of those she has so selflessly and tirelessly helped.
@Snowsettled
I don’t know what your circumstances are exactly with the P’s family. My thought is that if being in contact with his family is detrimental to your own well being ( mental or physical ) and healing, some tough decisions should be considered ( such as his relaying messages to you through them. I know you’re working on this though so no worries. ). What an unfortunate case for the P’s mother, I pray that she wises up and realizes just what she’s dealing with, too. They are leeches and will resort to anything. I am so sorry that you have to deal with a P, the implication that you should be there as a sexual object for him is absolutely revolting in a very visceral way, yet typical P-thinking.
Let me say, all other things aside, I am so glad you decided to open up here on LF. There are some great people here ( as you may have already observed ) and let me tell you, it really is such a comforting feeling to be able to connect with others who GET IT, who KNOW what you’re going through, who have been in the depths of this hell before. I encourage you to continue to feel free to share any of your concerns/thoughts/musings here, we are here to help. (((((big hugs)))))
(((((hugs))))) skylar! TOWANDA! 🙂
i think a toast is in order.
Hi, Guys! Just a quick blog to let you know Im back from my weeks holiday in New Zealand with David. Had a lovely relaxing time with Daves family who are all it seems, SANE, nice, normal, kind, fun, generous, and spath free !Hooray!
We stayed with Daves sister Heather, most of the week.
Didnt do much, just ate nice delicious food, looked at the stunning views, and spent time together .It was over 5 years since we saw them last. Got back quite late yesterday, so have been unpacking, doing washing, and buying food most of the day. Jeff, our guy who cuts the grass,and minds the dog when were away, brought Bobby the Poodle, home at 4.30.Hed had a great time being spoilt by everyone it seems!
Will read your blogs and catch up soon. Love all you guys!
Mama gemXX
Happy anniversary! Tequila!!!!
Skylar –
So happy for you babe! I’ve been out of action (dealing with the Superspath in Property Settlement proceedings in the Family Court – we have almost reached trial stage, so the last hurrah, really…) and I am still not really IN action yet, but I just checked in and saw that it was your 2 years and couldn’t let it pass without a huge TOWANDA from downunder.
I miss you guys but I’ll be back when I have something worth sharing with everyone.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
(PS: New Lily/Snow settled – welcome and so very sad for you that you have to be here BUT so very glad that if you do have to be somewhere, HERE is where you have landed. You are among good and kind folk now so listen to their collective wisdom. We will prevail. x)
Excellent article and definitely reaffirming. Probably the single most difficult thing in trying to live with, leave or heal from the trauma of life with a sociopath that I have found is therapists are fooled by sociopaths every time. Oddly enough I can empathize with the therapist because I’ve been there, been fooled, and about the only thing positive to take away from this kind of nightmarish experience is to know that even a professional can be easily conned… so therefore you’re not stupid or foolish or to blame for anything that has happened to you. But, that does little for getting the help you need and in fact the victim learns not to trust therapists, particularly when the victim becomes aware that the sociopath is using the therapist like a very useful tool. The sociopath will taunt his victim with his own knowledge that he has “power” over a therapist while portraying himself quite convincingly to the therapist who is now treating him as a victim and the victim as the perpetrator. When this happens – end the therapy because it is just plain dangerous to continue this kind of sociopath manipulated therapy. In many ways I believe therapists are even more vulnerable to an accomplished sociopath than the average person because it is their nature to and job to want to cure all people and when sociopath and therapist meet the sociopath recognizes this “weakness”. Yes, I say weakness because that is the way a sociopath views people who empathize with others.
This happened to me. I had 2 relationships in a row that were back to back sociopaths. I was in my late 20’s. I hate to say it but I believe there’s a man shortage and when you reach a certain age you’re more prone to run into spaths because all the normal folks are already married.
My first relationship with a spath I was totally naive and unprepared for what lay ahead. He married me, used me, & a year later moved on to another wife. I was not warned about him, although many in his inner circle knew what he was.
I could not warn his new wife because he went out of state when he deserted me and I found out about his new wife several months after the fact. He eventually left her as well.
What bothers me is his stupid mother knew him like a book & never warned his victims. He played her like a harp too.
Well to make a long story short, he’s gone a full year & unknowingly to me, another spath comes into my life.
BUT THIS TIME I COULD IDENTIFY HIM! AS soon as I realized what he was I broke it off. Do you know what happened to me? He set my rooming house on fire with me & all the occupants in it. I got out alive with the clothes on my back.
Everyone made it out of the house alive but I could never prove it was him. But my gut told me it was. The fire department ruled the fire was of suspicious origin.
Why did he do this? Because I knew what he was & rejected him! I think Donna put it nicely in several threads when she stated that when you leave a sociopath you must make them believe it’s their idea. I didn’t. It was my idea and I almost paid for it with my life.