Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
LOOK FOR SOMEONE WHO PRACTICES EMDR
I finally found a therapist who knows how to treat trauma, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) has been amazingly effective.
Sarah, thanks for this article which affirms the frustration that I have felt in trying to get therapists to understand what I was dealing with — both when I was still in the relationship and when I was working on recovery.
My therapist while I was in the relationship kept saying that he appeared to care for me because he was so involved in my life. (Of course, did and was, because he had to keep the golden goose functioning so he could keep funneling my resources into his hands.) Even working with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse, who should have been aware of predatory types, the most concrete comment she ever made about my ex was that he sounded a bit narcissistic.
However, I still think that, despite the lack of awareness of targeted victimization by sociopaths among therapists, the recovery work we have to do can be guided by therapists who work with other abuse scenarios. One of the most useful books I read in my recovery was one on verbal abuse. The author understood the patterns of seduction and the damage to the victim. Another book, recommended by Matt, about controlling parents was also excellent.
When abuse traumatizes us, the results are fairly well-known among the therapeutic community. If they are uncomfortable doing second-hand diagnosis of the predators who targetted us, it doesn’t mean the we aren’t clearly suffering from the effects of abuse. The crucial issue, I think, is to find a specialist in recovery from abuse, who will affirm that we are suffering from the after-effects of abuse. (And we can be adamant about requiring this from them. If they can’t start there with us, then we should find someone who will.)
That said, I think that what is missing from the therapeutic community’s approach to recovery is some kind of structured program for training in awareness and response to situations that have an abusive quality. As I’ve written here before, I believe that becoming good at dealing with “sociopathic transactions” is probably our best defense against getting lured too deeply into another relationship with a sociopathic or narcissistic personality.
There are bits and pieces of this kind of training in different disciplines. Self-defense training coming out of martial arts, assertiveness training and verbal judo, refinement of awareness from meditation and other Buddhist practices, and of course the recovery of a renewed sense of identity and entitlement to take care of ourselves that should emerge from therapy or personal work on ourselves.
But if anyone has put this together into a program for identifying and dealing effectively with situations that I call sociopathic transactions, I haven’t seen it. And we certainly know enough now how to do this.
This first step would be simply identifying interpersonal situations in which our needs, feelings and instincts appear to be made irrelevant, denigrated or twisted to serve someone else’s purposes. I think that it may take some recovery work to even get to the point that we trust ourselves in making these judgments about what’s going on. But if that becomes a priority in our recovery work — which can be our own choice of what to work on, if we’re determined to keep ourselves safe through the recovery and afterwards — I think we can get there faster.
And then, the program would include training about concepts such as informed trust (rather than automatic trust), persistence in communicating our level of comfort and requirements for self-care, proactive awareness of physical circumstances and safety strategies, and understanding of how to present ourselves as “expensive” victims to discourage predators who are looking for easy wins. These are just a few ideas, I’m sure that many of us could contribute better ones if we put our minds to creating this coursework.
It’s true that we can’t really protect ourselves from any encounter with a sociopath, if we define them as people whose intent is to exploit us for their own purpose without any interest in what it costs us or how we feel about it. These people are actors who ingratiate themselves by “reading” us and initially presenting themselves as mirrors of our dreams. They makes their livings and get their emotional rewards by scamming us in this way.
But all of us know that eventually this “perfect” relationship starts to warp into something else. And we know it by our own discomfort and pain, as they begin to show who they really are or what they really want. No matter how subtle the changes, they make us feel uncomfortable because we are being pushed out of our comfort zone and personal sense of reality. And how we respond to that determines how deeply we get pulled in.
I had five years with the man I now believe is a sociopath. A long time to observe him. Although I was obsessively attached to him, we were not together all that time, and I also observed the women he dated. Most of them got rid of him early, and they got rid of him because they were irritated or insulted by his little “requests” that they change to please him or his persistent denigration of their personal values or their social circles. He was handsome, charismatic and seductive, but these women recognized early that he had a private agenda that had nothing to do with them, and they didn’t want to be used.
We don’t have to call everyone who tries to use us a sociopath. God knows, the entire structure of business and employment is about usage of people for corporate goals or for the aggrandizement of more senior managers. But we can learn how to deal with sociopathic transactions and also manage to get our own needs met. But it’s something we have to learn, often through unlearning a lot of erroneous thinking that comes from our histories.
This can be done. And I think it would be helpful, not just to us but to a whole world of people, if such skills became part of the objective of recovery. And part of the therapeutic model. It’s not enough to do the emotional work of “taking back our power” or our lives. We need to learn how to live in this new world, in which awareness of sociopaths or abusers is part of our everyday reality. So we can take care of this baseline business of survival and move on to creating better and happier lives.
Dear Oxy,
I am back. I haven’t been able to comment much due to heavy work and family issues. BUT….I wanted to say that I feel for you.
I have been reading here and even you and I had our talks, the iron skillet, fried green tomatoes, etc.
I have learned so much from listening to you. I recently watched Mildred Pierce, the latest one on HBO. After a while I realized I had seen this once before. It was from the 1940’s starring Joan Crawford. She did an excellent job portraying the victim. Her daughter was a true PS and so was Mildred’s boyfriend turned new husband. Wow….I loved both versions and must say that I liked the ending from the 1940’s movie much better then the latest one.
But if anyone has a daughter/son who is PS, then watch this movie. You are right. They will never change…….I can’t totally understand that kind of pain…..My daughter has border line personality disorder. Her husband is mentally slow and seems to have no reasoning power. He is child like and threatens her and such. My poor grandson who turned 5 is rescued by me, Grandma.
I teach him what I can and am getting the book “Just like his Father.”
I put up with my daughter’s crazy ways. She is with a doctor now and hopefully will receive the meds she needs.
Maybe more to come later but I just wanted to stop by and say thanks to everyone for all the years. I have passed this site to many many women. Some talk in the stores, hair parlors, and such and I send ’em here.
Thanks Oxy. BIG WINK!
Wow, glad to see so many people posting who haven’t posted in a while….Aussie girl, hope all comes out well for you in court! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Welcome home Gem! Glad you had a wonderful time!
KATHY HAWK—glad to hear from you and great post. you are so right. Not everyone who tries to exploit us is a “diagnosable” psychopath, but maybe high in the traits….and those that ARE truly “diagnosable” level are truly dangerous!
I too have some empathy for the therapists…and it IS ABOUT OUR CHOICES…but how those choices are subtly manipulated by the psychopathic abuser almost take away our “free will” by hood winking us into believing we are doing what is right, what is best for ourselves and the other…the FOG closes in—the fear, obligation and guilt. Sure, we DO make the “choices” but our choices are limited by the FOG.
The gaslighting and the changing of reality is also a big factor in what “choices” we make….so yes, we make those choices and we need to learn to make other choices, but that doesn’t dismiss the trauma bonding, gaslighting and just plain twisting of reality and abuse. Emotional abuse is sometimes worse than physical abuse I think.
Many of us also have families of origin or previous dealings with psychopathic behavior that set us “up” to be serial victims of serial abusers. Learning how to spot the red flags of abusers, and gaining the strength to honor those flags, and to realize that we can’t “fix” those people who come to us with their “pity plays” or their “control issues” and that our best hope of survival is to RUN!…That is what will help the victims become victors survivors and our decisions will become better decisions as a result.
Dear Vision,
We posted over each other….welcome back.
There is some debate about BPD diagnosis in women being somewhat equivalent to PPD in males, and there are some definite over laps in the thinking/behavior of the two, and of course there are different levels of BPD from not too horrible, pretty functional all the way up to willing to murder.
Back in the days I worked in psych inpatient with adolescents many of whom were BPD, it amazed me that one minute they could be trying to kill you or do you great bodily harm and the next they were trying to hug you and you were their best friend. The black/white, instant on/instant off of their emotions was disconcerting. It sort of gave me a WTF? feeling. I have also learned that they many times have the “Hi, my name is , Sue, you are wonderful, we are best friends, now it is your job to make me happy or I will punish you” introduction.
I call it “making application to be my best friend upon meeting.” ANYTIME I have someone I have just met come on to me that strongly, it immediately raises my RADAR for personality disorder of some kind…PPD or BPD. Using that RADAR in meeting new people has actually been almost 100% right on with those people. And, keep in mind that they can be very very charming if they are trying to manipulate the chosen “friend/victim.”
Interestingly enough the culture of the rural Scots-Irish community in which I grew up was actually protective from this kind of person. Accepting “favors” was never done from anyone except a very close friend or blood relative who had PROVEN THEMSELVES a good person…you might DO a favor for someone, but you would never accept a favor unless that person were within your circle of trust.
One of my very close friends now, an older, country farmer, I had known for several years and socialized with fairly often, but until he was WILLING to accept a favor from me, until he ASKED for a favor from me, I realized he didn’t truly consider me a “friend”—now, I KNOW he is my friend.
As for your daughter—I definitely understand dealing with a PD adult child….and being attached to your grandson makes it more difficult I am sure because SHE has him for a weapon to use against you. God bless.
Kathleen, It’s great to hear from you!!!!
I so agree with what you say about that gnawing feeling of discomfort. That is so telling. And when you talk about feeling pushed out of our comfort zones. I understand it like this: Someone has entered into my comfort zone and has deliberately disrupted it, in order to gain something at my expense. Simply speaking, my boundrys have been violated! Someone who is out to manipulate you will always deny it. They will cajole and connive and lie. They will use your empathy, shame sense of reponsibilty, unresolved guilt, low self=esteem, and anything else that works to their advantage, against you.
I have come to realize that this discomfort often presents itself in the form of a WTF? moment. You are thrust into a chaotic sense of cognitive dissonance, and feel confused and unsure about what is happening.
You may be called upon to abandon your own instincts, perceptions and feelings, and enjoined to enter into the abusers camp. You may be asked to ignore your feelings and join in with his. HUGE RED FLAG. Why would any of us do such a thing? Because we don’t trust ourselves, or value our inner wisdom; because, we, too secretly think the abuser must be right, we must be wrong, and because our boundrys are not well established, and our sense of our own identitys is easily shakable.
I am glad this topic came up, this morning. I dreamed last night that my mom woke me up and started tearing up my room, because she thought it wasn’t neat or clean enough. She pulled the sheets off my be and threw them on the floor. She pulled my clothes out of my drawers. She turned over ashtrays and scattered papers.
At some point in the dream she turned into my Xhub. In reality, my mom would never have done such a thing. She was pretty gentle with me, but she was OCD, I think. My Xhub was OCD to the max, and Narcissistic, I think, and he was constantly critical, and self-righteious. Nothing was ever good enough, and he always had to be in control of everything.
I woke up, this morning knowing that these two people who had been so important in my life, had been disrupting my comfort zone, and leaving me to pick up the mess. My dream ended by me screaming at hub to get out of my room. A boundry, and a boundry violation, for sure.
But the boundry, at this point is a mental, and spiritual one, because neither of these people is physically able to cross my boundries. They can only cross them in the mental space of this moment. They can cause a lot of trouble, if I allow them to, and it’s my responsibility not to allow them to.
Just brain-storming. Great to see ya Kathleen.
Oxy,
Yeah, she is good/bad swinger. She did try to use my grandson and switched things saying I was the nutcase and needed to be evaluated. I told her in a very big way that she didn’t want me as her adversary. AND she knows I would do whatever in my power to do what I must if I have to.
After that, she has either switched to the good. or cleverly disguised it all…..she IS good hearted… More to come when I have time…
See you soon!!
This article confirmed the experiences I’ve had with therapists over the years. It seems to be a crapshoot, with my experiences being more negative or neutral than of truly being helped. Given that, I keep wondering if there are other healers or other forms of technology who can be more helpful. I keep looking, and until then, I rely on myself, which comes up a little lacking at times.
Very good article with great insights and advice. What I’ve found from members of Family and Friends Affected by AsPD (another term for sociopathy) is that many of us have had sociopaths in our family circles going back to our childhoods. Being able to recognize a sociopath in the dating arena may only be the tip of the iceberg.
As I reviewed my life history and family relationships as well, I spotted that behavior disorder in close family members. As I delved into my reactions to their control and manipulation, I realized how inured and accepting I was of being ‘handled.’ It was like the lights coming on or peeling off the layers of an onion.
Sociopaths are all around us and they excel at convincing people in authority (therapists, judges, etc.) that they are right and the ‘victim’ is really nuts. Gaining insight into how others are being affected by sociopaths is part of the recognition factor – and many therapists aren’t aware of the agenda nor the interaction.
Vision,
If your daughter is a BPD, a true BPD, saying she “ISA good hearted” is sort of like, I think, saying “she’s really nice, when she isn’t robbing banks.” Ted Bundy was really “nice” when he wasn’t raping and killing, the BTK killer was “nice” neighbor and church member when he wasn’t killing women after torturing them.
So “good hearted” between episodes of abuse (like my egg donor) doesn’t mean that is the primary focus of their lives….even Jesse James didn’t rob a bank every day and he did give money to poor people, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a killer and an outlaw.
Settiing boundaries with various personality disordered people, depending on how close you let them get, and how disordered they are may work to an extent, but I don’t believe you can EVER trust them not to stab you in the back. Sometimes when we feel the hatchet buried to the hilt in our back is the FIRST indication that they are disordered….but I will never ever give them another chance to have my back to them if I MUST for some reason have association of any kind with them. I will watch them like a hawk.