Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
This is a very interesting discussion. I’m not sure whether the earliest of red flags can be generalized for everyone. I think it requires insight into ourselves, what are our own traps and the first mistaken interpretation we make from their mirror or mask.
I think for myself personally it is the demeanor of making me sympathize, and I’m starting to think that if I feel this, it should be my warning signal to instead take a step back and remain detached.
I originally thought him a bad boy I should stay away from. We got thrown in each other’s path anyway, and he started to target me. I was flattered, but originally not interested. As I kept rejecting him, even if I started to feel attracted, at some point he seemed to give up, and for me had an appearance of disappointment which he showed. And all of a sudden I felt sympathy for him, and I actually compared him to a friend of mine.
I have a friend who is also very dysfunctional. He works in bars and djs, but can be erratic. Sometimes he can turn into a little devil, pushing a button over and over until making someone angry. And then he’ll laugh. He’s a total clown for sure. Loves nothing better than clown with the police. Other moments he can be severely down, and will cry publically and be totally miserable. So, yeah a drama queen. However, he has friends and will protect them as a lion and he will honour his promises. He has morals, just a pretty messed up life, including failing relationships. He’s the messed up guy who’ll keep messing up but as far as I know he has a golden heart. He certainly has some disorder, but he’s not using or conning people. I’ve never experienced any money trouble with him.
Anyway, while this messed up guy is someone I count within my larger friend circle, I never considered to date him, though I consider him attractive.
I’ve been considering other people that I befriended, such as women, whom I felt sympathy for. When I let them come too close, they would have a hard time understanding boundaries. Not in a way that I feel they were trying to control me, but were messed up enough emotionally that they started to think that in order to help someone else they should act for someone else, rather than just listen. I eventually had to cut them out of my life to protect my life and my own responsibilities.
When I consider my long lasting friends I don’t feel this overall sympathy. They don’t need it. Of course I sympathize with them when they are dealing with a certain issue, but I can generally be confident that they are alright.
Not everyone who is needy for general sympathizing with them is a spath imo. But they are at least in a mental and emotional place where if I let them too close they would mess up my own life.
So, I think that is my personal warning signal: provoking an overall sympathy within me. And I should keep such people at a distance and remain detached. Some may benefit from therapy, others will make very little progress, and a few are projecting it to get more from me than just sympathy.
WOW! My Therapist recently told me, I have PTSD. I’ve been educating myself (THANK YOU SARAH!), now that I’m getting divorced from Ignorance, & my husband. I was going to change my name, but my inner voice said ” why run? face it, I’ll be Mrs. John Telford, just as he wanted me to be. Hence my email address.
I will admit, this almost killed me. Only 7 years of marriage, & I felt like death was better than the emotional & mental rape I had endured. Not since my deceased mother, had I experienced such vile incompetence. Total abandonment, as if I never lived.
Please, If I can give advice, RUN! Do not stay, unless you want punishment in the most intimate, severe ruthless ways. It may be hard, but have a funeral & leave the relationship alone. Should he/she make contact with you, just know, getting on with YOUR life, is best.
Talk about recovering? All this week I have to drive by & see my N’s giant billboard face, one block away. Friday the 13th, he had a book signing, where he promptly informed his followers, ” I’m divorcing & back there is my new lady friend”. My recovery is going to be successful because I will stand up, face up, & stay up. I’m not the first (THANK YOU ALL), & I won’t be the last, but Now I know exactly What I am standing up for. N’s will get exposed, if have anything to do with it.
PS I was blessed to be in a play this week, rehersal has been like therapy. Seeing his billboard will not enrage me. Thanks to Sarah & you all, I feel strong enough to get through this week. Peace.
On another situation I have in exposing the N’s of the world, the media is checking the facts about my N’s droctor raping me ( report is state verifiable & another witness has come forward). I had to report my former divorce lawyer to the attorney grivience commission for being N enough to send me text messages about kissing me,,& stuff.
Like I said: N’s will get exposed, if I have anything to do with it.
Kathleen,
I agree, awareness is the key. We need to know what toxic looks like. Growing up my parents were extremely controlling and didn’t care about my needs as a human being. But I ASSUMED that because they were my parents, they loved me. And I did love them desperately, in that trauma-bonded way, that abused kids do. So because I loved them, I ASSUMED that they were good people, because of course, I wouldn’t love BAD people, right?
So when I met a man who was controlling and who neglected my growth as a human being, it looked like love to me. Being treated like an object looked like love. Imagine that!
Donna’s outreach to high school kids is great. but it’s not enough. In the catholic schools we attended, we had a religion class each day (both gradeschool and highschool), I knew the bible inside and out, but I didn’t understand a word of it – I now realize.
What is needed is a class, each day, on healthy human relations. Starting in first grade. It’s never too early because by age 5 we are already programmed.
I just don’t think it will ever happen because too many parents would end up with their kids removed from their homes (like botox mom), who think they are doing nothing wrong by objectifying their children. The child welfare system would be overrun.
What needs to be acknowledged, though, is that it may be expensive, initially, to implement this curriculum, but the cost savings JUST WITHIN THE FIRST GENERATION, would easily make it worthwhile.
I have a few friends who have confided to me to having PTSD after their experience with sociopaths. It is bad enough to have ever had a sick narcissist/spath in someone’s life and, even if their next partner is a better partner in most respects, and not a sociopath, that partner may add insult to injury, when he/she has no idea of how PTSD can be chronic enough to still affect the victim years and years later (even if less & less, with ongoing therapy), when that next partner (or any therapist) he/she sees, says insentive things like, “You’re wallowing in it” (entirely disconfirming of the victim’s experience)… I get this article, completely.
Dear Mrs. Telford,
I fail to see why it is important to you to hang on to your designation as “Mrs John Telford”—while I understand your desire to expose abusers, I can’t imagine wanting to be called by their name rather than YOUR unique name unconnected to him…while I have also fallen victim to more than one psychopath, I can’t imagine wanting to be called “Mrs. Psychopath” for the rest of my life, I think I would rather be called by my own name…of course we all have different opinions about this sort of thing, but it just was something that I hadn’t ever encountered in a former victim before.
I agree with dancingnancies that “forgiveness is not a necessary step to healing ( from an encounter with a sociopath )”
I once thought that it takes twice as long as the relationship lasted, to “get over” it, that the longer the relationship, double that length by two, and that was how much time it would take to heal. That might be true with “getting over” the hurt from a NORMAL person who hurt you, but not so with a SPATH. I’d been hurt before the spath came into my life, by a couple others, and I healed from them. That healing process was a piece of cake compared to the healing process of healing from years of gaslighting from a spath. Too many JUST DON’T GET IT..they don’t KNOW what a spath is, nor about their gaslighting techniques.
I read above that it is easier to allow sociopaths to think they ended the relationship. Why is this? Can they not stand the rejection? I left my spath due to cheating and its funny every encounter we have had since, he has found a way to always boast about getting rid of me. Who cares, who ended it, thank goodness its over! Why did Donna suggest this, though? Just curious…
Oxy,
I can understand Mrsjohntelford.
that is her name and she has the right to use it. She has the right also to discuss what happened to her. So if you google John Telford, you will know why she is using her name. LOL!
It’s her way of backspathing. Mrs, please tell me if you want me to delete this statement after Oxy has read it.
Farwronged, because some of them try to kill you.
they don’t want anyone leaving them, that’s a narcissistic injury.
The spath is a case of emotionally retarded human. His emotions are those of an infant and all infants are afraid of abandonment. It makes them feel like they are dying. Which, in the case of an infant, it’s true, but with the spath it FEELS like it’s true, just as much as for an infant.
This makes them rage in frustration. They must have control over you, or they will die, so instead they kill you.
It is an ego thing, but not an ego thing that has to do with pride. It’s an ego thing that goes much deeper than that. It’s their ego telling them that the world must revolve around them or they will die, because they are an infant and that’s what infants believe/feel.
Sky, you may think you know why she is using the name, and you may even be right, but on this thing I wanted HER thinking on this…as it is 180 degrees away from how I would feel.
I am not condemning her for it, just found it odd. I did google him and he definitely sounds like a psychopath—who glories in his own feces. My P-sperm donor was quite famous, and I sure wanted to “out” him, for sure, but you know, I did not use his name or bill myself as “P-sperm donor’s daughter” even though people would have known who he was—actually I didn’t want my name connected to him in any way because of how he was. I just wanted AWAY form him.
Later, after he died, I realized I had let go of the bitterness toward him, and I didn’t want anything to do with him, or even if he had left me money (fat chance!) I would not have taken it, I didn’t want anything to do with him at all. If that makes any sense.
Assuming that Mrs John Telford is the x wife of this creep whose life is profiled on amazon along with his books, I can understand her bitterness, I was very bitter against my P sperm donor for many years, and this guy sounds like someone who would make ANYONE who associated with him bitter….and especially someone who was married to him. So I understand her bitterness and I think she has every right to be bitter toward a man who is admittedly (at best) a serial marital cheat (for one thing) and I bet there are other things she has a right to be bitter about as well.