Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
Sheila Leanne,
I received my issue of Guideposts last week (I’ve been reading this magazine since childhood). Under The Up Side section of the magazine, it say’s “Forgiveness is not condoning. Nor is it even repairing what has been broken, though often that is possible. Forgiveness isn’t really about the other person. Forgiveness is about deciding that you need to make peace with a personal situation. You forgive so you can get on with your life.” – R. Scott Colglazler, senior minister of First Congregational Church of Los Angeles.
Regarding fallen angels, I have read about them in the Bible. Jesus is mightier than Satan and his demons, having full authority over them, casting them out of people in his day and time (and even today). Reading the New Testament speaks to me, reassuring me that Satan can harm us, but he will not “win” in the end.
@Kathleen Hawk
Brilliant, brilliant comment. I think you should turn that into a full-fledged post. Moreover, I think somebody should turn those concepts into a full-fledged movement.
Wonderful to see you back here again.
I really need help.
Recently, I’ve found out that my father sexually abused me as a child and my mother did not do anything. As soon as I found out I excommunicated them and some family members. I’ve long wanted to be healthy and find out who I truly am. Well, ever since I’ve found out I feel so cheapened and crappy. I think I’ve become more promiscuous lately and I cry all the time. My counselor says I’m moving in the right direction but it doesn’t feel like that. I have ventured up to my aunt’s house within these last few months and I feel like my parents are using her. She is a strong believer in the fact that family is everything. So she’s been trying to convince me to forget about what happened and talk to my parents. I’m not ready to confront them about what they did to me. She thinks I’m just a kid who thinks I can make it all by myself. I wish I had more support coming my way but I have to work for everything. I mean my dad pays for college by a court mandate so I don’t have a choice in that one. But if I need anything like doctors or whatever its out of my pocket. Anyways, I keep reiterating that I need time and I need to get it together but she doesn’t get it. I’ve moved out of my dad’s house and all my things are at her house. She was upset and said school can’t be your home. I’m not going back home! My dad, a sociopath, drives me to suicide everytime I spend a long time with him. Plus he looks at me inappropriately and its so uncomfortable. I just want to do whatever it takes to be healthy and strong. Its so frustrating when family friends dont get it and pressure me to have a relationship with my parents. I just don’t know what to do. Was it right for me to not keep contact with my parents for sanity sake? Was it not right that I’m opening up about my abuse in counseling and close friends at school? Should I ignore the fact that he raped me as a child and make kissy face? Cause I feel pressured to speak to them from these people.
hurtnomore010:
I’m sorry, but may I ask how you found out that you were sexualy abused?
I was talking to my counselor about my dad’s behavior towards me and she had asked me if he had sexually abused me. At first, I was like no wayyy he can’t. But I thought about it and while I was sleeping over my friends room the memory came back. I couldn’t believe it! He really did sexually abused me until I was about nine years old. I remember that night for some reason now that I’m away.
hurtnomore, I asked because I had a bad feeling about your earlier post and the therapist’s response to it. I have a bad feeling about your therapist to be very honest. I don’t like how the counselor is saying you are moving in the right direction while you are feeling worse. While therapy might make you feel emotional, it should still give you feelings of having breakthroughs.
Therapists may have a preferred “cause” view, and because they are in a very intimate, trusting relationship with a patient, the therapist’s view can be very suggestive.
And I wondered whether the sexual abuse might have been somehow suggested by the therapist. I’m not saying you weren’t abused. But sometimes the suggestion by the therapist may be so strong that it can make a patient create a memory that wasn’t there before. The therapist would explain that as a repressed memory. The status of repressed memory is highly controversial, especially on how it came back.
Now, I’m not saying this to deny the truthfulness of this sudden retrieved memory. But there certainly was a moment where your therapist suggested it to you, planted a seed (as I feared). This suggestion may reverberate with a response much later, days later. And while the retrieved memory came back to you outside of the therapist’s office, I understand from what you are saying that it also came back to you in your sleep.
I stress again, I’m not negating the veracity of the retrieved memory. But what you told me makes me worry even more that you may have a therapist that may actually make it worse for you, rather than help you. If I were you, I would actually try to find another one. I’m just getting a very strong feeling that this therapist you are seeing now may be detrimental for your health, and that he or she works highly suggestive, possibly trance/hypnotic like. And what worries the most is that he or she’s telling you to ignore your most basic sense of self. Your own gut is saying you feel worse, and they are opposing that feeling via “expertise”.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repressed_memory
I feel worse because its like I don’t want to remember my childhood at all. I mean I don’t want to be hurt but at the same time my family was hurting me. I know for a fact I got sexually abused by my dad but I don’t want that memory. A lot of close people figured out that he did including my counselor but nobody wanted to say anything. I often spoke about my dad’s behavior toward me and it makes sense. I feel worse because I don’t like standing on my own and its hard to bear. Whereas before, I didn’t remember and therefore I didn’t have to deal with it.
Dear Hurtnomore,
I know that you have had problems with your family relationships for some time….and because of the cultural differences from “mainstream America”, and with your mother living in another country, etc.
Sometimes these “memories” of things that happened to us when we were very young may not be true memories, or they may be only partial memories…or they may be repressed memories. There is a lot of research has been done on the kind of “remembering” you did that your dad sexually abused you when you were 9.
My point though is that it doesn’t’ matter if it is true or not, your relationship with your father has been about him controlling you and using money and your desire to go to college to control you.
You mentioned that you “THINK” you have become promiscuous lately…I am assuming you are having sex with multiple partners now that you are away from home at college.
I suggest that for now since you are upset and confused that you stop dating and focus on your own healing and when classes start back that you focus on those as well.
As far as your aunt understanding your pain and confusion, and your feelings toward your parents, it may not be possible for her to grasp how you are feeling. Since you are staying with her you might just tell her “Auntie, for right NOW, I am best not talking to my parents. In the future that may change, but for NOW I just need to think some things through and work with my therapist.”
That way in her mind you are not closing the door to talking to your parents FOREVER, and so maybe she will leave you alone about it at least for a while.
Focusing on yourself and taking care of you is the most important thing right now. Also, having sex with multiple partners, with or with “protection” is not good for YOU and exposes you to both emotional and physical problems that can have lasting life time consequences, to say nothing of possibly becoming pregnant.
I too have heard of the fallen angel theory and the spath being the spawn of the fallen angels. It’s in the book of “genesis”.
It talks of the angels wanting human love and coming down to earth to mate with the daughters of men.
The spawn of the fallen angels is referred to as the “nebula.”
The “nebula” were actually a race of their own. Almost “vampiric.” They came out of Ur of the Chaledee’s in Saudi Arabia.
They were killed off by the gin. A race of part human, part witch beings. From there they fled to Egypt and were instrumental in the building of the great pyramids.
Around the time of the ‘tower of babel’ what was left of them were scattered about the earth. Their modern descendants are the vampires or sociopaths. This is all legend of course.
By the way is there an intro board where we can introduce ourselves and give a summary of our spath story?
Joanie