Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
Dear hurtnomore,
You wrote, “ever since I’ve found out I feel so cheapened and crappy.” I’m an incest survivor and your response makes a lot of sense to me. Our control of our sexual identities, development and activities is a tremendously important part of our sense of personal integrity. Being incested, at least for me, made me feel for years like I was disposable trash, because it felt like that’s how my father treated me.
What you are doing in cutting off your family is exactly the right thing for you to be doing right now. Your instincts are good. You need time without all the stress that involvement with them creates. If anyone in your family doesn’t understand that, they either don’t believe you or they’re in denial.
And given that fact that this kind of abuse tends to be passed down through the generations, and that both your parents probably have some history of their own — if not sexual abuse, then some other kind of abuse — then your aunt may have her own issues of denial. None of this is necessarily so, but it’s likely. Which means that your insistence on speaking up about what happened and being assertive about protecting yourself now may be raising some difficult issues for her.
None of which means that you are responsible for her feelings or anyone else’s. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself self. There is nothing in your life that’s more important.
And your therapist is right; you are going to feel crappy before you feel better. It’s normal when you’re facing some truths that you’ve successfully kept buried for a long time. It not only the facts, but the feelings of loss and betrayal. This is hard stuff to deal with.
I was incested when I was older than you, 13 to 17, and I never forgot that it happened. But I too had buried the specifics and the feelings, and it warped my life until I finally went to work on uncovering it, after I had a relationship with a sociopath that forced me to figure out of what really wrong with me.
I gather from Oxy that you’ve been writing here for a while. I don’t visit too often anymore, and I don’t know your story. But I know that these few posts I just read make a lot of sense. I agree with your therapist. You’re on the right track. Your reactions seem correct and authentic. Your actions — both in speaking about your experience and cutting off relations with the perpetrators — seem understandable and right. This is your life, and now more than ever before, it’s important that you make it your own.
As far as rebuilding your relationship with your parents, you have all the time in the world to do that, if you ever want to. I can tell you that, from my perspective, I finally told my parents that the only way we were ever going to have a relationship was if they took responsibility for what happened to me and made an effort to understand what it meant to me. My mother did. My father never stopped making excuses and trying to minimize it.
As far as the promiscuity goes, incest can really mess up the meaning of sex in our lives. Some of us confuse it with love or safety or acceptance. Some of us feel that, since we lived through having our choice and our innocence taken away from us, that sex has no real meaning and we can use sex for anything we want — fun, money, manipulating people to get what we want from them, or even a way to hurt ourselves to deal with our feelings of worthlessness and shame.
I know this may not make much sense right now, but if you stick with your recovery, you discover that you do still have your innocence and your integrity. In fact, you may have the totally surprising experience of discovering that the abuse got you stuck developmentally at a young age, and you actually have some growing up to do. Which is pretty cool when it happens. But for right now, you might consider the possibility that this promiscuous behavior has more to do with your “little” self looking for safety or a playbreak from the hell she was living in, or even something of her own, when circumstances were stealing her most private self.
Talk with your therapist about it. Maybe she can help you find a better way to handle these needs right now. You do definitely need to be comforted and to feel safe. And you do need some pleasure and fun in your life that isn’t tainted by this mess.
Finally I wish you well in moving through this. Congratulations for putting some of the pieces together in the story of your life. I know that some people here are concerned that your memories might have been suggested or induced by your therapist, but I think that if you feel like they are so right, then they are either true or they are symbolic of some other type of abuse you endured. And it doesn’t matter; the healing process is the same.
Take care of yourself, and be tender with that little girl that still lives in you. She deserved better. And your recovery will restore her joy in living and your integrity and peace of mind.
Love —
Kathy
(((((((((((((((((((((( kathy )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
IT’s so good to see you here!!!
LL
((((((((((((((((( Hurt No More )))))))))))))))))))))))))
I feel for you so much, I’m in tears…..
Honey, I was molested by my stepfather for four years. My biological father than molested me, a neighbor molested me and I was raped by my first boyfriend and seriously sexually exploited by my last two spaths.
And that is the carnage of sexual exploitation and abuse at its absolute worst.
I think our minds have a protective mechanism from that kind of acknowledgment and pain. I wasn’t able to deal with any of the real fallout of the abuse until very recently and it’s so slow. The fallout dictated the choices I would make in whom I allowed into my life to abuse and exploit. I didn’t realize I was choosing the familiar.
It’s VERY painful when it starts to come up. And like Ox says, it’s like an onion, you peel a layer at a time…and it does come up in layers….
But that doesn’t mean your doomed to your pain.
And it is also empowering to some extent because as an adult woman you get to choose who is in your life and who is not.
I understand everything you say you feel. I threw out my ENTIRE BIO FAM about two years ago. NC completely. I stayed with their abuse for years, again familiar, but I got tired and i realized they were never going to change.
With six children, I had to do SOMETHING, even though most of my children are grown, to get out of it and hope to God to turn a page for my children. Your children are NEVER TOO OLD to see an example set. Never. It’s up to them as to whether or not they choose to pay attention and I accept that. But it’s better now than never.
Most of the toxins in my life are gone. What this means is that I’m forging a path a lone and on my own. I have a therapist and (THANK GOD) very loving friends and my children. Thank GOD for that.
But I have a lot of wounds still to tap into. What my mind can handle it released for healing. But because of the extent of the traumas, it is very very slow.
I’m still trying to get over last spath, who was the last link to what I chose in unhealthy toxic relationships. It almost feels lonely. That’s how much chaos and drama is involved with these people.
Don’t give up hope on yourself. You’re right where you need to be.
And you’re doing great, just keep moving forward and doing what’s right for you, no matter what anyone says
HUGS
LL
Hi…
This has nothing to do with anything on THIS posting…
Im wondering how to post MY story on this site…any ideas?
robxsykobabe,
you can contact Donna and discuss it with her.
her email is donna@LoveFraud.com
Best!
I want to stress, again, I wasn’t concerned about the validity about the memories, but more about the possibility of a negative influence via the therapy.
Maybe it’s because of how I experienced my therapy in the past. It wasn’t easy, and quite emotional, but always felt as if a light bulb went on inside my head. I had an overall sense of progress. The one time I didn’t have that was when I was determined to deal with it alone, and I was just stuck and got stuck more over time. But then again, once I had my break through it felt as if I had to go into the bottom of the abbyss first in order to have the breakthrough.
But I’m just one person, and other issues can work differently for other people. Thank you too for that post, Kathy.
Babe!!
Chica how’s things going???
LL
LL:
Well, things are…going 🙂
Ive not heard from him at all however Ive been getting mail for him recently. Im just writing “this person does not live at this address” I think they are from collection agencies!
Ive been thinking lately…not too much though.
How are you?
Great article … OMG Joanie 123 that makes sense an all since they are emotional vampires…
Great article… so true! I am lucky to have an amazing therapist who finally, having heard three years of this ongoing toxic dynamic: push/pull, me questioning my own sanity and intentions as person (Am I really the one here who is crazy? Sociopathic?), break-ups and dramatic getbacktogethers, great sex, abusive sex, promises to be my son’s “dad”, anger at being asked to be my kid’s dad, (thankfully, they never spent time together except when son was a baby and even then, hardly any time), lies, cheating, yet the most convincing, loving, language declaring in the name of his “spirituality” (he is part of a growing, though questionable spiritual movement touting the need to be in one’s heart all the time, verses the head, which in itself is wonderful, but he took it to mean: “only live by feelings NOW in the moment! No future! If I feel it now, I act on it! No accountability!”) his undying forever love for me (which of course mirrored my spiritual path as a yogi) and I always fell for…) Therapist saw me fall flat enough times to say, “you are dealing with a sociopath” and I said I know that, because I too, am a therapist, and I do “know it,” but as someone here mentioned before I was always using myself as a reference point so of course, sociopaths don’t really exist, especially when one has been so extremely, indescribably, sexually, passionately, playfully, alively, enmeshed-with-me, supportively, nurturingly, tenderly, shout-off-the-rooftops proud of me, defend me against my demons, accurately, knowing me so well from head to toe and all places in between(my friends, schedule, deepest hurts, best days, favorite times of day, quirky habits, where and how I prefer to park my car, missing and/or filling teeth, countries to which I have traveled, big green fields amidst which I have practiced yoga and grieved for the loss of my childhood, high northern lake rocks from which I have cried and catharted to the waves, places I took my stuffed animals to hide as a child, favorite candy as a child, and on and on), presently intimate, that is to say no one who can even fake (who knew?) this kind of intimacy, could really truly be a sociopath. Well. So. I got it on that day. I got it. And then I found Love Fraud and I Psychopath and enough out there to really turn it all around for me… The first two months were all empowerment, all “high” on recovery. Now, I ask for help tonight. On tough nights like tonight, when spring is in the air, and the memories of the “magic” squeeze in through the open windows, I “trigger,” as you say. I trigger to hope, I trigger to despair. And… I wonder again, “was he right?” Was I the crazy one? I wonder this particularly tonight, as since I started NC on March 11, he has only contacted me one time (an apology video on You Tube) which I ignored. I keep reading about all the other SP’s who try and get back in, etc, and this is not the case for my SP. His big thing was always “you should leave me… or “we are not going to work because of this, this and this… ” and then he’d say but we can never be apart, I love you too much, etc.” Usually I would “talk him back into being with me” (his words), a game I now see he liked playing. Well, I did not play it this time. And now he is gone. Now I am faced with this question: Did he want to leave all along and I did not let him, as he said? Is there any truth to that? (Irony is of course I should have left day 2 into the relationship). But what I mean is, I know that I have my work to do, my own addiction/grew up with toxic mom, etc, to mend via my own work, 12 steps, etc, but/and… Is he truly a sociopath if he is not “coming back?” Does that make sense (at least according to the “formula” I keep coming across…) Thanks so much for any and all feedback. I really, really, really want to call him tonight, friends. Really badly. My addict is stirring, the part of me that wants the illusion of love just one more night. For yes, I always knew it was illusion, but shit, it sustained me for most of my life for survival and now survival is really hard and I really want illusion!!! Words/love of wisdom? xxoo