Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Re-traumatising and PTSD
(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality. You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship, it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past, you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect and self-love, and most people decide, if they have had proper counseling, that they will never come have this type of relationship again.
When it comes to future dating, if you have never been able to spot the warning signs of what could be a relationship based on power and control, you learn those, too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.
There are many, many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath, but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath? And do people really understand how the relationship has affected its victims?
Triggers
Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are, the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy, and being such charming, convincing characters, it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissist’s side, questioning the sanity of the victim.
Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms, and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on, and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them, or the fact that they bump into someone in the street who looks like their abuser. If a victim has had a history of attracting abusive types throughout his or her life, then the victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome, whereby if they want to tell the therapist something, they feel the therapist won’t believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like, “Well you should be happy, after all, think of all the positives.” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they?” “Think how lucky you are to be rid of (fill in the blank).”
A small trigger like the above is fairly easy for the victim to deal with. But what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath? Say, for example, you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one, but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hypervigilant, and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they did before. So when another abusers slips through their radar, the victims will immediately blame themselves, and say things like, “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?”
Why? Because the person doing it is a psychopath, and they can trick and con anyone. Even with the best tools, experts get conned by these people day in day out.  My friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities, and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist, on the other hand, may just pooh pooh it, and think it’s just another trigger.
My friend’s experience
Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run-in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years, so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.
What happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person, but this particular situation sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist, not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter that was re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person, decided to prescribe her antidepressants. As a result of her interactions with the therapist, when she eventually went back for counseling she decided to tell the therapist she was okay and that nothing was wrong.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything, because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hypersensitive” or “reactionary.”
To change or not to change
I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist, because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it, then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary, and that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about, thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victim’s old pattern, and not even understand that this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath,” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with re-traumatising and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.
(Notice I use the term target, as pyschopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them.)
Options
As a result, the target feels helpless and victimised again, and although, like any normal person, they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences, they are left with a couple of options.
1) Sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same, i.e., other victims/targets. This can be okay, but sometimes this can prolong the healing, especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again, which they don’t want to do.
2) Sharing their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again, least of all that the victim may have met another psycho.
3) Internalising it and trying to figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again, and dealing with it the best way they can.
The third option is okay IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place. But what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough? The victim is back to square one, and may have to start their healing all over again.
Getting it
My hope is that one day, therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath, and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run-ins with the odd narcissist, which although unpleasant enough in itself, compared to the psychopath is pretty easy to spot and a walk in the park to some degree. However few, if any, therapists have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist.
Having had more than a few run-ins with psychopaths, when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realise that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck, and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. A colleague finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims, or those who are psychopaths thinking they are buying a book that will teach some new tricks. Sadly for them, my book is to empower victims of psychopaths, not the other way around.
The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour. Very few therapists, on the other hand, understand psychopathic behaviour at all ,unless they have worked directly with them, or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.
There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimised by these people, so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery. My advice to anyone seeking help, if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath, is to make sure you seek someone that understands their disordered personalities and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists, or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.
Separating from a spath can be freedom – Most stories I read are regarding a partner. What about when it is your child? People champion those who are strong enough to walk away from a spath partner – who applauds a mother having to protect her family from their own sister? The partner of the spath is not blamed for the spath’s behavior – it is rarely assumed that the partner must have done something to cause some great hurt that makes them act that way. I am in no way denying the victimhood of the spath partner. I’m just a Mom.
I am too touchy now days. I fly off the handle if any guy reminds me of Jim. I tell him that he will suffer the wrath of hell just because he reminds me of Jim.
Well, I don’t say that to everyone. Just this one guy who approached me to give me a hardtime. I was upset at the attack. Then he said he never said what he said. Never an apology. That is what really got me riled. I told him he is mean, and that he said it was my problem. He replied that maybe I have a problem?
I really flew off the handle at him.
After dealing with him I feel like I hate men.
I was able to deal with men but now I feel two steps-back..
Oh! I gotta point out the latest about my neighbor lady and her good friend Jim.
Jim took her boyfriend to town to buy parts. When Jim dropped him off, she asked if the guys would move a planter over about three feet. Jim said Maybe tomorrow. She insisted cause it’s only three feet. Jim said that he already did her a favor by driving her boyfriend to town. She asked how is this a favor to her? Jim said because she didn’t have to drive him.
She was fuming about this for hours. When she told me about it I said “Let me introduce you to Jim!”
jeannie I dont think your to touchy now days. I think you dont have tolerance for assholes now days…..i think you are just fine…
Bodhi,
he’ll be back.
those little tells… telling you that you shouldn’t be with him. He just did that to watch the reaction on your face. He needed to know just how addicted you were to him.
All spaths do tells and tests.
I’m sad that you are a therapist and still blinded yourself. This doesn’t “bode” well for humanity. at all.
But then addiction is addiction and by the time you realize that you are an addict, it’s usually too late. We need an early intervention at first grade. Drama addiction can be stopped. Just say no to drama.
Virtual mom,
yep, I wish my mom were as strong as you are. But she and N-dad refuse to protect me or themselves from spath bro and spath sis. EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
You’re very strong. I admire you.
bodhi, first of all GOOD ON YOU for not falling for the bait! You’re doing it. Second of all, if you’re still struggling with wanting to contact him, might i suggest writing all the traits about him on a piece of paper and ask yourself if you really want to get in contact with this man ( this has been suggested by others on LF before, and I think it’s quite helpful to knock some sense into your head ). I’ll give you an example with some traits that come to mind from my last P involvement :
selfish
likes to hurt people
liar
zero integrity
takes advantage
shallow
cheap
pretender
extremely grandiose
disgusting
so that’s just a taste of a list you could make. It might help even to save a copy of that list, say, write it down and whip it out whenever you need reminding. The mind-f*ck is sometimes hard to sift through.
secondly, if that isn’t enough to convince you NOT to contact him, watch this video entitled “Liar” by Henry Rollins ( i’ve posted it before, and more than likely you’ll recognize the persona as the spitting image of the P ) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgQalXaIxs This video is particularly special because I watched it towards the end of my involvement with the P and had a AHA moment so vivid it shook me up from head to toe.
Thirdly.. I want you to know that your questioning your place in all of this is normal. I’ve been involved with two S/N/Ps in my life ( unfortunately ) but I too have struggled with this in the beginning ( the 1st time around ). It WASN’T YOU. You’ll have to learn to peel away the layers of his voice that might linger in your head, always placing the responsibility/fault in your hands. After this, examine the events over; I think the phrase “actions speak louder than words” illustrates the P’s M.O. brilliantly. They’re all talk, all their slippery, empty promises, their flattery, their boasting, it’s all word salad. You have to dig through all of that and get to what really happened : the systematic soul/mind/body rape of you and your good nature. That is the unvarnished truth of what happened.
Ask yourself, do I really want to get involved with a PSYCHOPATH?
A psychopath, someone who you KNOW lacks remorse, and will only further take advantage of you and bleed you dry as you continue to associate with them.
You do not want illusion. You want raw beauty, and illusion doesn’t supply that at all. Raw beauty is connecting with someone who genuinely cares about you. This is attainable! You will NEVER and I mean NEVER be fulfilled with this person. You WILL regret any involvement with him. Might as well sell your soul over to the devil, may as well lie in a sludge ridden pond and sign your life away. If you want love, find it in someone who respects you and nourishes YOU. It may take a few toads to get to your Prince, but it will be worth kicking those warty toads to the curb, I promise.
((((((hugs)))))))
Thanks for reminding me of that song… Sheesh, I even have the disc, from the time I bought it as a student, and lol headbanged on it. The clip is absolutely appropriate.
Yes, perfect depiction
darwinsmom, thank you for your post too. I can be argumentative, but not judgmental, if that makes sense. And one of my key operating beliefs is that if people talk about their pain, I believe them. About their pain, and that it has a source. Because we’re not born feeling like this.
And whether we have the source nailed down isn’t so relevant to me. I know from my own life that it took me a long time, a lot of searching and analyzing, and finally a lot of excavating of my own consciousness to find the moments when everything changed — not just in my life, but in my beliefs and emotional system — before I even began to get a handle on how I was twisted up and why.
I wrote something on Amazon the other day in a discussion (on a book review) of how important forgiveness is. And there were people talking about how they used forgiveness to feel better. And people talking about how forgiveness would be a betrayal of their own feelings. But I think that forgiveness has different meanings, depending on where we are in our recovery. I “forgave” early after I left home, imagining that I was taking the spiritual high road, but mostly just to enable me to continue to have a relationship with my family. And in making what happened forgivable, without really thinking through its implications, I set myself up to “understand” and tolerate all kinds of exploitive behavior toward me in the subsequent years.
I forgive before I really understood what I’d lost. I hadn’t gone through the outrage and mourning for what had been done to me against my will, the innocence lost and the destruction done to the years when I should have been having my first serious experiments with boys and romance, not to mention the vaporizing of any sense of membership in conventional society, or any idea that I deserved to be treated as a person of value. and the loss of any belief that anyone would love me unless I hid and lied about my history and my real feelings.
I had to go through anger and mourning about all the losses, as well as recognize how these ideas and feelings had reverberated through my adult life, before I finally began to recognize that there was something in me that was waiting for me to cut through all this noise and recognize it. That was strong and central, unmoved by him or the drama he created, and was just waiting for me to get over it so we could get on with things. And so, I realized that his behavior was just an experience, and he himself was just a circumstance, not an authority in my life. And I came to the previously unthinkable conclusion that I could take back whatever I thought he’d taken from me, and the most important thing to take back was my belief that I was valuable and lovable and entitled to good parenting, even if I had to do it myself. (And who better to take care of me?)
When I eventually did all that, I was ready to focus on my future, rather than the past. At that point, “forgiving” was just a housekeeping decision about where I want to put my attention. I wasn’t forgiving my parents so much, as giving up being upset about my history. Yes it was really unpleasant and left me with bad feelings for a long time. I’m not saying that any kind of abuse is okay. But for me, it turned out okay. It challenged me all my life, and forced me to step up to becoming stronger and more self-aware, not to mention giving me all kinds of interesting and useful perspectives.
So I accepted that my father was a damaged and dangerous man, and my mother too broken down by him to protect anyone, including herself. My future dealings with them would always be handled with that knowledge. But I wasn’t flipping out over it anymore. They were still my parents, and I cared about them. But I had to give up the idea of changing them or getting anything different from them. I knew that my recovery would probably affect them in some way — maybe even inspire them, once they got tired of resisting the changes in me — but that was out of my hands. And all this freed me in ways that are still evolving in my life.
I’m not sure if I’m wandering too far afield here, but I think that our identification of what harmed us is also a reflection of where we are in our trauma processing. And my response to hurtnomore (excuse me, hurtnomore, for talking about you in the third-party like this) was because she wasn’t doing any of the things we do when we’re dancing around the reality, because it’s too painful to face squarely. She wasn’t wandering off into trying to be understanding or spiritual high-roading. She wasn’t blaming herself. She wasn’t dramatizing everything else in her life. She was focussed tightly on “he did this to me,” feeling the feelings, and relating it all to how wrong she has felt in the rest of her life.
In this, I see someone who is squarely on the path to recovery. I understand your concerns (and you weren’t the only one) about whether the memory content is accurate. My once-best friend — who I knew as a tough-minded and funny neighbor when both our kids were small — had an epiphany years later as her mother’s coffin was lowered into the grave (and her father was dead too so there was no one to confirm it) about horrific events of sexual abuse when she was small.
Had her father, who was a politically powerful man, been alive to fight her allegations, she could have been characterized as someone with phony memories who was just striking out at her father because she had emotional issues. (Don’t you just love this rationale — if you’re upset, you must be a crazy liar?)
But there was no one to argue with her, and she had no doubt in her mind. She threw herself into therapy, then went on to become a therapist, and today specializes in the very difficult and confrontational style of therapy used with perpetrator fathers to get them to take responsibility as a first step in healing their traumatic backgrounds, if they have consciences and any capacity to recover.
Were her memories valid? I believe her, because in retrospect I realize that her symptoms matched what I knew of incest survivors. And our very close relationship was also evidence of something, because all my closest friends have turned out to have severe childhood abuse in their background. But, in the end, what does it matter? Her suffering as an adult was real enough to send her looking for reasons, and the efforts she made to heal gave her a life of meaning and accomplishment. Probably, what’s most important is that she trusted her memories, and used them to heal and empower herself.
So this is a very long post, and as usual I’ve wandered around a bit. What I really wanted to say is I heard you, both in your original post about the memories and the later one where I thought you might have felt a little attacked by my post. If that’s how you felt, I’m really sorry. I respect the thinking behind your concerns, and in reading what you’ve written in this thread, also deeply honor the work you’ve clearly done and the lucidity of your writing.
I love this forum. But I sometimes wish were sitting around a table in a cafe gabbing over coffee or a bottle of wine.
Kathy
Please pass the Merlot, KH. I always get so much out of what you write. I have much of the same perspective that you do.
I was molested by a neighborman at age 5. Was molested by my mom at age 12. ( totally repressed the memory til age 23) was raped by a BF at 25. Raped by another BF at 40. I saw 3 exhibitionists by the time I was 12, and was asked to take my panties off for photographs when I was about 6. WTF?
Trauma after trauma after trauma.
Just the other night I realized how injust it is that I can’t trust a man to love me. That I think every man I encounter will use me and dispose of me. How damn wrong it is that I won’t have sex anymore, out of self-preservation. That I won’t ever let anyone get intimate with me again. It triggers soooo much in me. Everything was sexualized in my innocsent world, at such a young age.
When I told my best friend about my emerging memory of my mother’s molestation, she asked if it was possible that it was a false memory. She had known me and my mom for 10 years and couldn’t believe it was true. If she had a hard time believing it, imagine how hard it was for me. I loved my mom, and had always believed that she had my best wishes at heart. Crazy making cognitive dissonance!!
Not sure where I’m going with this, I just felt a need to respond.