Editor’s Note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Questions to ask yourself when you want to go after a sociopath
By Fred Dunsing, Attorney at Law
Fred Dunsing profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a counselor. I’m a lawyer. Therefore, I’m wholly unqualified to write about sociopaths and the specifics of their mental health disorder.
I do, however, understand the definition of sociopath and generally understand what constitutes sociopathic behavior. I have seen many of these individuals during my years in practice as a family law attorney, and I can say that most of the sociopaths I have come in contact with have been within the context of fraudulent relationships. Most of these individuals have been men (although I must admit that I represent mainly women in my practice).
These individuals have been textbook cases. Men who look for recently single and/or otherwise vulnerable women that have what they need – usually money, credit, sex, or the ability to provide them with children. Generally, their whole lives are lies. Their education, military service, jobs, assets, friends, and even marital status are fabricated.
What has struck me in these cases is that these individuals often share other characteristics. They are often controlling. They are usually supreme narcissists. They have such an inflated and unrealistic view of their own intelligence and abilities that they think they are smarter than everyone else – police, lawyers, judges, and especially the women they victimize. This attitude is always their downfall.
Of the cases I have taken to trial involving these personality types, these individuals have not only always lost, but have always lost in a big way. They lose because of their utterly unjustified opinion of themselves, and of their abilities to con other people. They lose when they finally pick the wrong person who won’t just go away. Someone finally takes them “to the mat” all the way through the legal process. In the context of outright fraud or theft, that may mean the police and the local district attorney. In the context of a child custody or divorce case, that may mean taking it all the way through a civil trial.
These people are predators, but in their minds, they’ve done nothing wrong. They don’t believe a case will ever go to trial because they will outsmart or frustrate any court or lawyer and at the very least, they will convince the victim to drop the case – it’s just another con to them.
But the end of the road for these people is usually when they victimize a strong or determined person. The cases that typically are the most successful are those that involve women who were willing work countless hours to research and document the lies and the damage long before going to see a lawyer. It becomes a mission with them. And even after a lawyer explains the weaknesses of the legal system, these victims all have a common characteristic – they are not going to be victimized and they going to make sure that the sociopath never does it again to anyone else.
Now, this is often easier said than done. In most cases, it is expensive. The cost of the necessary discovery and litigation can be incredibly high. Moreover, the impact on the victim’s personal life during the period of litigation can be devastating.
In my experience, a person who is contemplating taking a sociopath “to the mat” needs to answer the following questions: 1) Do I have the financial resources to pursue this course of action? 2) Am I willing to put my family through the process? 3) What are my goals? Am I seeking some measure of justice? Am I doing this for my family? Am I doing this to teach the sociopath a lesson? Am I doing this for myself?
There is an old adage that most everyone has heard, “you can spell principle two ways – with an ”˜al’ and with an ”˜le.'” It’s OK to spell it with an “le.” You are entitled to seek justice. You are entitled to stand on your principles. You just have to understand that in our legal system, it usually costs you money (principal spelled with an “al”). You also have to understand that in some instances, judgments against sociopaths may not worth the paper they are written on – particularly if the assets taken have already been squandered and the damage has already been done. You can’t collect on judgments if you can’t find the assets to execute on.
It is, however, an entirely a different situation when the stakes are not just missing property or ruined credit, but instead are whether helpless children will be exposed to a sociopath or even worse, raised by one.
Dear breached, Ptsd,Caroline,witty, eb,Tb and all of you who are suffering either because you have been deliberately alienated from your kids by the spath, or because your kids are spaths in the making, and putting you thru hell.
What can I say except, hang in there! There is NO pain like the pain of losing your kids, whatever age they are and however it happens. I have no answers, as its happened to me.Like I said, I DID get my promise from God, 13 years ago,but patience is a virtue, and sometimes we say.”Why God why, and When God, when?” At times it feels like God is torturing us, and at other times, I feel like Hes suffering with us.But it aint over till its over! The bad guys never win, in the long run! Sometmes it feels like they are winning, but remember they are sick souls, no actual soul, Im sure they are never happy, its all about winning, and control with them.
I saw on TV some time ago about this woman who was brutally raped a t a very young age, got pregnant,{it had to have been her rapist as she wasa virgin and had no sex after him}. Gave the baby away for adoption, wouldnt even hold or look at the baby girl. Fast forward 25 years or so. daughter eventually finds birth mother. Reunited with her, they become firm friends, best buddies. Mother gets rare blood disease, daughter is able to donate blood and stem cells, saves Mothers life.Obviously God saw the whole picture, so we just DONT know what God has planned for us.
meanwhile all you brave, stoic, wonderful women, TAKE HEART! God has not finished with us yet! HE IS ON OUR SIDE! Altho at times we doubt it.Wea re being chastened in the fiery furnace! Did you know that “Chastening” is what they do to silver? Its heated up, melted, and all the impurities run out of it. Then it is thrust into cold water, hardened again, then
burnished on a lathe, cut,moulded, and finally the silversmith has a perfect vase.People, this is what were going thru and it HURTS!!! be strong and of a good courage,” Lo, I am with you, even till the end of the world!”{ Jesus.} he didnt promise us a n easy ride, in fact He warned us, that what they did to him, they would do to us.Be happy today, if you can, and stay strong!!{{HUGS!!}} and Love, Gem.XXXXXX
Dear Gem, Kim and Ladies,
Thank you–just thank you for caring and sharing your lives too. Thank you OxDrover for the talk. I really needed that and feel much stronger and resolved. I love you gals!!! Breached
Hi, Oxy, and all of you! Oxy, Ive lost 2 Kilos! I was 97 kilos and 2 weeks later,Im 95 Ks! Still a long way to go, but already Im feeling MUCH better, more energy, more motivated, back to swimming twice a week, Im up to 10 full laps. walking every day, too.My tummy is going down!I have a small tin of tuna every day for lunch, with ONE slice of plain wholegrain bread.-no butter. Lots of salads, steamed veggies, salmon,smallish steak, ONE small potato with the evening meal, or small serve of basmati rice. Mornings I have muesli with LSA powder,{Ground linseeds, soy, and ground almonds} plus bran and half banana.Desserts, I have blueberries or raspberries, with tiny bit of lo fat cream or one scoop lo fat vanilla ice cream.I feel great! My skin and hair look fab. Hows your diet going Ox? Did I tell you Ive just finished Victor Frankl s book,— awesome. Love, and {{HUGS!!}} to all of you, MamaGem.XXXXX
congrats gem!!! keep on going girl, all power to you!
best,
one step
Mama Gem, Mama Gem! Good for you! You are taking a very healthy approach to meet your weight goal(whatever that may be). You WILL get there if you stay with this type of meal planning. You are so right to make sure you get quality protein throughout the day. I find most people neglect to do that. I depend on why isolates a lot! Protein builds muscle naturally and muscle burns fat naturally. Easy peasy. (wink) Too many carbs and we’re in for weight gain and risk high cholesterol and blood sugar issues. Because fruit, grains/potatoes and proteins have different digestive times in the digestive tract it is highly recommended to eat fruits alone and individually and wait 20-30 minutes before anything else.
You could probably find something about “food combining” on the net. Depending on what you need to lose, a healthy weight loss of 2-4 pounds per week for the first month or two is ok. Then most people Plateau and see more gradual but sure losses of 2-4 pounds per month. That is a for sure indicator that you are eating healthy!
I wanted to say to you the other day : I am so glad you put shame and pride aside and went on “the dole” to get out of that abusive marriage and family. We call is social assistance or welfare. It is all too often abused by lazy, manipulative people(maybe a lot of them are n/p/s’s??) and the people who need it the most seem to have the hardest time getting it. I’ve said many times to people that I would go for that assistance to leave an abusive situation in a heartbeat. No guilt required. THAT IS WHAT IT IS THERE FOR!
I hope anyone reading this will seek that assistance if they need it to get out and away and have no income or very little means.
Oh…I am formerly known as ptsd…..given that up and taking my life back….I don’t want to be in victim mode anymore. Steppin off that track now….no more trains wrecks waiting to happen!!
And always Gem (((hugs))) and love to you!
Dear Conomo,
Your diet advice is fine! and so is yours Gem! GREAT!. I am still about 12-13 pounds (6 kilos) from the weight that I got to which was above my wt where I screamed OH, CHIT! and couldn’t bring myself to weigh again until I had dieted for 3 sweeks! LOL SO not really SURE just how much I have lost! LOL
I’ve kind of stabilized right now, and am eating well, but not losinj more weight and so need to get back “on the program” Last night one of Son D’s friends, a college student who works at one of these “top end Pizza” places with ALLL these different “flavors” that are do good came over and brought a big box of various different flavors along with this dessert pizza and yea, I FELL OFF THE WAGON! Chowed down like there was no tomorrow, but I do find that if I “cheat” once in a while it doesn’t deprive me or make me feel so deprived, any way, so it is back to the refrigerator full of fruit and salads and a small amt of LOW FAT, HOME GROWN, HORMONE FREE, STRESS FREE, FREE RANGE BEEF that I cut up and packaged with my very own hands. (So I know it DIED of “lead poisoning fo the brain!” –gun shot!) The worst part of that is that I have to limit my servings in size and oh, boy, do I don’t like doing that! LOL But I also avoid the concentrated sweets and refined sugars and all that transfat junk….only the natural fats of olive oil and butter (small amts of each)
Gosh, with all the diet changes, and stopping my vices, I swear I am going to be so healthy and feel so good, I may live to be 100! Boy, won’t I be a “crusty old witch” by then! LOL
Oxy,
You are one of the reasons for my new nickname. It represents “co-dependent no more”. Your comments about being an enabler really made me self reflect–many of your posts do!
I can’t post the whole process, but it lead me to see where I didn’t think I was really an enabler–I had to have been cause I’ve been in too many co-dependent relationships. That takes two enablers.
So, so many thanks to you.
Changing our way of eating does require discipline like many healthy changes Ox. But then it becomes habitual like any change we are succesful with. And then “falling off the wagon” n occasion isn’t a big deal.
Free range healthy meat–good for you–good for the environment! that’s all I eat unless I succumb to exhaustion and buy “instant food”. Which has been part of my diet whoes the last few years.
I honestly think that a huge part of our delinquency rate increase is due to the “non-food” our gov’ts allow access to. I always tell people to shop the outside isles and buy fresh from local producers that you TRUST whenever possible.
Make sure you get enough protein too Oxy. But not too much as that can be hard on the kidneys.
Water—bathe on the inside not just the outside. Keeps the crusties from settling in. Haha
Never ever touch artificial sweeteners.
Dear conomo,
I had myself CONVINCED I wasn’t “enagling” And that I was setting BOUNDARIES…but those boundaries were made out of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and so I kept letting others cross them, just as my egg donor demanded, and pretended “none of that happened”—-I don’t like the term “co-dependent” but I do like the term ENABLER, because WE ENABLE themm to do their dirty deeds and WE take the consequences and responsibility for their upkeep.
I have friends who have paupered themselves hiring attorneys for their criminal and addicted offspriing. I NEVER DID THAT, so I patted myself on the back for “being strict” and so on. When I was runnning a rural health clinic (I’m an advanced practice nurse practitioner) certified FAMILY medicine, but did it ALL, any way, I thought it would be a good deed to give free medical care to the women and kids at the DV shelter so I got the hospital that owned my clinic to let me see them pro bono and I got all the drug reps to give me free samples for antidepressants and for pedi meds like antibiotics etc, seemed like these kids were always SICK. I felt really grand about myself, helping out these women and their kids, and I listened to their stories, but I felt SUPERIOR to them cause they had a history of going back and going back even when these guys had beaten them. I HAD NEVER LET A MAN HIT ME, but you know, all of my virtue was FAKE, while I loooked down my nose at them for letting some man beat the crap out of them and then going back, I LET MY SON DO IT TO ME——DUH!!!!!
I thought about the story in the Bible where the very “pure” and “holy” Pharisee went to the temple to pray and he stood looking up toward God, and DOWN at a poor tax gatherer (publican) and the Publican was saying “God, have mercy on me a sinner” and the Pharisee said “Thank you God that I am a holy man, not a sinfull man like that publican!” DUH!!!!!
I was just like the freaking Pharisee!!!!!—I felt so holy and superior—but you know. I was worse than them, because I knew better and I still did it!!!!! Sure, I would not have allowed my husband to hit me or lie to me, or any of the things my Psychopathic son did, but I allowed my SON to commit crimes and still fooled myself that I had a RELATIONSHIP with him. NO!!! The relationship I had with him was I was the PREY and he was the predator! Sucking my blood like a vampire bat! WITH RABIES!!!!!!
Once I saw that the problem was with ME—then I started making some progress, but it was a long, dark, rough, rocky and stormy road before I got some progress made on that dark end of the road. I felt sorry for myself, I let others lead me off into the woods, swamps and hills, but when I realized that I was the ONLY ONE with a COMPASS I had to follow my own guides and quit letting others point me in the direction THEY told me was the right road. I HAD TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS OF WHAT WAS RIGHT AND WRONG, and that took a lot of courage to do that rather than letting the psychopaths tell me I was stooopid, and that I was crazy and going in the wrong direction! I had a bunch of friends who were also steering me wrong, in to taking care of them when they should have been taking care of themselves. I wasn’t responsible for them, they were—-so—change directions,, take care of me, set my own course and if I fall off in the swamp again not any one’s fault but mine. I set the course, I trim the sail, and weather the storms, and if my boat sinks, it is my doing, not someone else’s. I’m the captain of my own ship and if anyone wants to go with me, that’s fine, but they better pick up a paddle and row, or cut fish bait, cause there are NO FREE RIDES on my boat, and if ya ain’t going in my direction, then get out! LOL
Ya Oxy. I’m getting it. I recently tried to initiate open and honest communication with a friend who has a lot of relationship problems. I believe we were enabling each other with sympathy and not really asking each other to question each other’s boundaries. Not that we don’t have healthy boundaries. but they get muddled up like you say in the FOG.
So in my definition, co-dependency doesn’t alway mean say: “you can drink, so I can drink” or “you can be toxic in this way and I can be toxic in that way”.
We are dependent on each other to validate/support each other I think. It’s just part of feeling connected. We can chose to be connected in healthy or unhealthy ways. That’s a kind of co-dependency or connectedness. The key elements for healthy co-dependence are honesty, communication and boundaries and a mutual exchange of these.
Hope I make sense here. I find it hard to use this little box to type in.