Editor’s Note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Questions to ask yourself when you want to go after a sociopath
By Fred Dunsing, Attorney at Law
Fred Dunsing profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a counselor. I’m a lawyer. Therefore, I’m wholly unqualified to write about sociopaths and the specifics of their mental health disorder.
I do, however, understand the definition of sociopath and generally understand what constitutes sociopathic behavior. I have seen many of these individuals during my years in practice as a family law attorney, and I can say that most of the sociopaths I have come in contact with have been within the context of fraudulent relationships. Most of these individuals have been men (although I must admit that I represent mainly women in my practice).
These individuals have been textbook cases. Men who look for recently single and/or otherwise vulnerable women that have what they need – usually money, credit, sex, or the ability to provide them with children. Generally, their whole lives are lies. Their education, military service, jobs, assets, friends, and even marital status are fabricated.
What has struck me in these cases is that these individuals often share other characteristics. They are often controlling. They are usually supreme narcissists. They have such an inflated and unrealistic view of their own intelligence and abilities that they think they are smarter than everyone else – police, lawyers, judges, and especially the women they victimize. This attitude is always their downfall.
Of the cases I have taken to trial involving these personality types, these individuals have not only always lost, but have always lost in a big way. They lose because of their utterly unjustified opinion of themselves, and of their abilities to con other people. They lose when they finally pick the wrong person who won’t just go away. Someone finally takes them “to the mat” all the way through the legal process. In the context of outright fraud or theft, that may mean the police and the local district attorney. In the context of a child custody or divorce case, that may mean taking it all the way through a civil trial.
These people are predators, but in their minds, they’ve done nothing wrong. They don’t believe a case will ever go to trial because they will outsmart or frustrate any court or lawyer and at the very least, they will convince the victim to drop the case – it’s just another con to them.
But the end of the road for these people is usually when they victimize a strong or determined person. The cases that typically are the most successful are those that involve women who were willing work countless hours to research and document the lies and the damage long before going to see a lawyer. It becomes a mission with them. And even after a lawyer explains the weaknesses of the legal system, these victims all have a common characteristic – they are not going to be victimized and they going to make sure that the sociopath never does it again to anyone else.
Now, this is often easier said than done. In most cases, it is expensive. The cost of the necessary discovery and litigation can be incredibly high. Moreover, the impact on the victim’s personal life during the period of litigation can be devastating.
In my experience, a person who is contemplating taking a sociopath “to the mat” needs to answer the following questions: 1) Do I have the financial resources to pursue this course of action? 2) Am I willing to put my family through the process? 3) What are my goals? Am I seeking some measure of justice? Am I doing this for my family? Am I doing this to teach the sociopath a lesson? Am I doing this for myself?
There is an old adage that most everyone has heard, “you can spell principle two ways – with an ”˜al’ and with an ”˜le.'” It’s OK to spell it with an “le.” You are entitled to seek justice. You are entitled to stand on your principles. You just have to understand that in our legal system, it usually costs you money (principal spelled with an “al”). You also have to understand that in some instances, judgments against sociopaths may not worth the paper they are written on – particularly if the assets taken have already been squandered and the damage has already been done. You can’t collect on judgments if you can’t find the assets to execute on.
It is, however, an entirely a different situation when the stakes are not just missing property or ruined credit, but instead are whether helpless children will be exposed to a sociopath or even worse, raised by one.
You know his name, right? I hope any way. Do you have his SS#, date of birth or any other identifying information? CALL the FEDERAL court house and see if you can find out anything. Also call the federal “parole” office nearest you and see if you can find out anything about who his parole officer is. You should be able to do that.
FEderal sentencing reports (i.e. the crime he was charged with and how long his sentence was and the conditions of his parole are PUBLIC INFORMATION and if you can find it you can have it! Start with the parole office, they don’T call it parole any more it is “supervised release ” or some such crap, but essentially that is what it is.
It is a FELONY for a felon to have a gun, my Trojan Horse psychopath got 5 years, 2 suspended and spent a yr and a half in jail/prison and is out now, but you might be able to do better than that since this is a FEDERAL BEEF.
Tell the parole officer that you are scared of him. If you “married’ him and he has a previous wife, tell him/her that as well. Play up the scared of a criminal with a GUN part of it all. He may well go to the federal lock up and that gives you a bit more pull than if it was a state beef.
We had a guy who was convicted of kiddie porn buying and selling and the state park where he worked covered it up as much as they could but because I knew him and a bunch of other park rangers I KNEW WHAT HAPPENED, and he went to the pen, got out (federal) and low and behold, showed back up in our living history group working with KIDS and at a local museum with kids too. I got all the aforementioned documents, called his parole officer and raised HELL Mostly lady like hell, but I did tell the parole officer that if he didn’t make the guy stay away from our group or working with kids, that when he was viiolated again that I would be on the capitol steps screaming the parole officer’s name with the media there. Guess what, it accomplished what I wanted.
The federal parole officer CAN drug test the guy daily even if there is no drug charge in the past, he can search the house without a warrant, and on and on, they have A GREAT DEAL OF DISCRETIONARY POWER OVER THE INMATE WHO IS LEGALLY STILL “INCARCERATED.” So, use whatever you need to get the information you want. ErinBrock calls this your “inner sociopath” but it is in my estimation a bit of manipulation for a good purpose, your own protection.
If you “married” him and he already had a “wife” I think you can probably get “free” of him easily enough, but getting him prosecuted for that, even though it is illegal, is almost impossible as far as I know.
If he was locked up Federally for “fraud” it was probablyy pretty BAD or he wouldn’t have been charged. “Fraud” is difficult to prove and generally most of the time it isn’t prosecuted unless it is really bad.
If this joker, knowing it is a FELONY to have a gun had a gun, then he is more or less, to my way of thinking, DANGEROUS. Don’t underestimate that. Make sure your house is secure when he gets out and contact his parole officer then and get on the victim’s list for notification if you can I did that and at least got help in keeping mine from getting parole the first time, and being some what in touch with the (state) PO that was an IDIOT. He didn’t even know this jerk was a sex offender. (this is not the kiddie porn guy, but another one) Anyway, you do have some avenues of information and I would use them all. You need to know about this man I think, while it might be good to be totally NC and “forget about” him, doesn’t hurt to be at least “in the loop.” Not trying tomake you paranoid, just informed.
Good luck! (((hugs)))
Mr Dunsing, the courts still refuse to believe mothers can be sociopaths..those of us who have suffered their wraths know it happens, and it destroys the kids involved. Whats worse is that this is genetic, and it will go on and on and on, affecting lives for generations. It is like a cancer that can be passed on…. There is not enough money in our lifetime to stop her..she has eaten her children alive…and taken us with her.
I need a parenting advise. My child, now allowed to visit with his P dad, returns all wound up. he’s hungry and sleepy, and his cheeks are bright red from allergies to whatever candy and sweets he’s getting there. My child cries for hours with no specific reason. yet, the kid is loving time with his Dad. I know too well his Dad’s ability to turn people to like him. He’s good with kids and women that way – all kids and women. Watching the 3year old being sucked in is painful, having to deal with regressions and bed wetting is troubling. When do I say when if we had just begun this crazy mockary of co-parenting?
Dear Getting it,
The best book I lnow of is Mom’s House/Dad;s house by Nina Ricci.
Children oftne need time to make the transition when they go back and forth and it may be about that.
All children process it differently.
The more you understand about his developmental needs the better.
There are good resources for you about the transitions and getting him ready and helping him settle back.
Parenting classes from the YWCA are good resources too.
In one of my past lives, they were very helpful.
Ox,
great suggestions.
thanks!
A bit of how the transmutation works on us:
As I lay in bed(really the couch these days—can’t seem to sleep as well in my bed anymore)ruminating before rising, my mind went on a trip through the past. Images and words sped by—snapshots of events in my life that I came to realize were what have molded my psych—my balls/determination/moxy—desires and values.
It started with many of the odd(red flags, if you will)words and behaviours of my XS:
Our first night: “If I bought a house, would you live in one half and I live in the other?” I was taken off guard by what I thought was a one night affair(honestly—he was 26—I was 48—I was lonely, but not looking for anything more—just out of 2 consecutive 2 year relationships—slight breather before that from 17 years with the same man that I married after 15 years) and then I thought hey, that was cute and kinda insightful. Relationships are a difficult thing at best, right? Apparently the XS was skilled at first encounters”..he said and did many things that made me feel wonderfully alive as a woman that night! (and many after that) ME SUCKER!
Within a few weeks: “Elephant Shoe” was mouthed–not spoken to me. What??? That was a new one–how it was said and how soon it was said. Red Flag anyone? But again—that’s cute. We had only been spending weekends together at this point.
Three months into it: Lost his job. Before actually telling me this—he asks if I am hiring. What?? I would never ingratiate myself on someone I’ve known FOREVER—never mind in the first stages of a relationship. I believe favours from friends take a very different form than the request(feeler)this was.
HE MOVED IN AFTER THAT—WTF WAS I THINKING??
I have a respectable place in the community, house, car, business and a few til the end friends. I think that’s how he saw it for his gain/game. He also learned my vulnerable spots—aging, lonely, alienated from my 3 kids by the 17 years hostage holder x husband. (The other vulnerable/weak spots are what I’m leading up to—I know that they played a part on the XS’s ability to con me.)
I AM WRITING THIS FOR MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING BUT TRYING TO KEEP IN MIND THAT I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER SOME OF MY STORY TO LF READERS.
First Christmas(6 months later): “I hate Christmas. Everyone being phony.” He was 12 when his dad died of leukaemia. I understood that, but convinced/forced him to come with me to celebrate with my family. (I won’t say that we celebrated the true meaning of Christmas—Christ’s birth—but it has always been pretty high up there for a reason to spend some time together—gifts or not.) It ended up being a drunken mess—Sis’s bf doling out the drinks in strength—(Mom was the DD)—Sis’s bf ended up passed out drunk(with other red flags Sis’s bf may be a S too)—had dinner and left for the hour n half drive to Mom’s—ate Grand Marnier chocolates the whole drive home—just a wee bit high and happy(jk)—Mom p’d off at everything by the time we get to her house—XS very uncomfortable and wants to go home NOW(to my house)at about 11pm(CRS)—I can’t drive—XS offers to drive—Mom is going to call the cops if we get in a vehicle—YA THINK??—I forgot to say XS has no license. WE STAY — Never had my Mom threaten to call the police on me before this. It’s a RedFlag blah blah blah
Many red flags in the 2 years that follow—which lead to him being in jail twice now for breaking into my house repeatedly. Should be up for stalking too—but that’s hard to prove in a “domestic relationship” as it is considered by the law.
So the ruminating part:
I remember:
Looking at a pic of me and step dad—I was no more than 10 and getting a gut feeling that something wasn’t right”I have no specific memories”so that’s that rumination.
Looking at a pic of me on a beach at 3 or 4 yrs—my first thought was of an uncle—it was another gut feeling that something wasn’t right”again no specific memories.
In individual counselling with my XH(10yrs ago) I said that I thought I had probably been “molested as a child” but never recalled specifics. She said God will reveal to you–what he wants—when he wants—if he wants.
That was good enough for me”.
Fast forward: 16 years old—babysitting for a couple(kinda biker crowd—he had a Norton and worked on bikes–but just neighbours down the street that heard I was a responsible babysitter) He(the father)was walking me home—with his cane—3minute walk—and tried to KISS me—on the lips—blah blah blah—when he got me to my house. NOT RIGHT!
Same age: First bf with sex. After babysitting incidence. Got pregnant. We were gonna make a family. YEAH However, at three months(smart me knew I was pregnant the moment it happened—as I did with all my conceptions)he decided he would pay for an illegal abortion. I found out he had many girls(that’s what we were)in his roster. I had the abortion “legally” and never talked to him again. I have had dreams about him over the years”like yeah”re-uniting dreams”blah blah blah ME SICK”THEY MAKE US SICK!
Same age(16): Thoughts of jumping off a cliff that WAS available–because of the pregnancy”the abortion doc told me you aren’t normal if you haven’t considered it, but that’s as far as it goes for normal people. I believe it. My Mom—bless her soul—heard the despair in my voice when I said I was going for a walk and came after me”.who knows?”.I could have been a statistic???
So—during that walk down by the lake—crying my eyes out—a predator on wheels is stalking me—I get scared now and pick up my pace only to have him keep up the roll on wheels—He says something like this: “Can I give you a ride somewhere?” Sounds innocent enough, but my gut says NoooThankYou. I may have started running at that point”.just ruminating here”.
Still 16: We move because my Mom and adoptive dad have split—he has stalked her in the process and broke her nose while stocking her one night while she was out on a wild goose chase fun night”creepy yeah”of all things Mom is in the hospital being attended to and a bunch of baseball beaten “creatures” are being admitted too that have come from the place that she knows I was at”.”I just go for the music Mom—”which I really did. Anyways”she’s freaking thinking I’ll be the next one through the ER doors”ANOTHER STORY—
I remember at our new location(apt) coming home from a fight with my bf at the time(he had given me an engagement ring)and Mom telling her house full of friends—“There’s a girl who won’t put up with any crap from a man!” I BELIEVED IT—My outside persona was getting pretty hard by this time. Oh but inside I was insecure!
Still 16: I was old enough to quit school and get a job and move out”.I moved in with a gal not much older than me(just down the street)that I worked with at an Italian restaurant. Turns out her beautiful little girl’s father belongs to a big biker club. Club members hang out once in awhile—not problem—cause the “father of daugher” PROTECTS ME FROM HARM—HA HA—UNTIL HE DECIDES TO SEE WHAT HE CAN GET FROM ME—ONE NIGHT WHEN MY GF IS WORKING AND I’ M SUPPOSEDLY IN CHARGE—“FATHER OF BEAUTIFUL CHILD” COMES KNOCKING—OF COURSE I LET HIM IN—HE’S BEEN MY PROTECTOR—WHOAA—HE GOES TO THE BEDROOM—SEEMS NORMAL ENOUGH—BUT COMES BACK OUT WITH A REVOLVER POINTING AT ME!!8 FEET AWAY MAYBE LESS”.STILL 16(REMEMBER)”.TELLS ME : TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF”.(TO THIS DAY IF SOMEONE WANTED TO RAPE ME-THEY WOULD HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!)”I SAY I’M NOT DOING THAT, PUT THE GUN AWAY”.THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS AND I SAY “YOU’LL HAVE TO SHOOT ME FIRST—HE PUT THE GUN AWAY”.I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW AND WHY I GOT AWAY FROM THAT.
MOVING ON: I’ll go back to upper/lower case now.
I was introduced to a really nice guy at 17”.relationships are hard—did I say that already?? We both had issues”as everyone does”.but I had to play my role”hard ass—don’t accept/forgive nothing”I ”“ I ended up cheating during a weekend away from our “issues”. Ok”this isn’t part of the morning ruminations”.but I want to say this nice man still pops in to see me every 5-8 years—OMG—this is 30 years later”.
FastForward: 20 yrs old—Ok intermittent alzheimers kicking in now or is it CRS or maybe red wine?? Maybe I was 24”..the ruminating part: Mom’s second ex sneaks(meaning quietly approaches) up on me in a retail store and comments: “Nice ass”wanna date?” Ugghhhhhh”make me sick!
That’s enough ruminating for now.
Where my mind went with these thoughts is more important IMHO. It just took on a life of it’s own again. My brain was an old fashioned wisk—wire at that—and each time I recalled a predatory/devaluating time in my life, that wisk would part (spreading in sections). That’s when the realization came to me.
I need to sweep the house clean from all these traumas in my life. This means a wide spread/sweep as evidenced by my subconscience.
Biblically—and I am NO SCHOLAR—We can cast the GD demon out—but we have to clean house so he / she cannot come back/infiltrate. Infiltrate??? There’s a good one. They are able to sleeze/sneak into our beings.
I’ve made a good starting document for my records here”I will endeavor to record all the recent past by using a RedFlag web”.
In another post someday: ManyAlcoholicsArePsycopathsVrsManyPsycopathsAreAlcoholics
On a reallly good note: I got out of dodge today”.beautiful day for a drive(or anything positive-walk, clean house..argh—sunshine does help)—replaced sorry pillows that hold memories with said pillows—good deal$—(finances are not the best here)—ate a bag of Lindor eggs while browsing—wheeee—coloured my hair tonight—vanity ya!—my Magda is healthy(she had mange for a full f’king year+–the XS suggested prestone)”.blah blah blah”.sorry keeping it positive now”having lunch with a GF tomorrow–she moved away recently to be with a love of years ago—NOTHER STORY”NOT MINE TO TELL THOUGH”
SO”I THINK THIS WILL LET THE LF COMMUNITY KNOW ME BETTER AND HOPE IT RESONATES FOR THE PURPOSE OF KNOWING ONE’S SELF AND MOVING FORWARD”I STILL FEEL BAD FOR MY CHAOTIC INTRODUCTION LAST WEEKEND. EB AND ALL FEMALES THAT GET IT: STRESS/HORMONES/FULL MOON=MELTDOWN.
PEACE TO ALL MALE AND FEMALE GOOD PEOPLE
I’M DOING IT COME HELL OR HIGH F*KING WATER!
YA”FRIENDS HAVE SAID: YOU’LL FIND BETTER/THERE’S SOMEONE OUT BETTER OUT THERE FOR YOU”BLAH BLAH”..I KNOW THEY MEAN WELL”DON’T GET ME WRONG”MY REPLY”.I’VE BEE PLOWING THROUGH A TON OF ADVERSITY FOR 10+ YEARS”I NEED TO FIND ME AGAIN BEFORE I CAN GO THERE!
WHOOOOO”HOW DO YOU MAKE THE WIND BLOW??
VALUES: Good Lord — could i post anymore??
I don’t know how they can call from jail either…Oxy had it right (I think) either by collect or someone else
s time. I got the collect calls and unknown name — unknown number during incarceration time.
To Silver MooN: Do you have children? I thought the hardest thing in my life was being cast off after being the entire support system for my kids. That changed when I began my course(for real–I had to get an extension to complete it) Then all hell broke loose with the “attached at the apron strings–break you to conform at all costs Ahole” He was threatened and proceeded to systematically break my kids down. I went through 5 lawyers — before I got the right one.(get this–I had asked this lawyer 5 yrs prior to represent me—but she said it was to emotional back then—she cried during the final decision–then apologised for it…fuck that oops..She was the one that got me my due share of the the matrimonial home…..She is the one that knew there was a statute of limitations regarding ownership of a home (where I live)…If I hadn’t sought her again(3 yrs later) I would have been bankrupt. I’m now anyways…2010…sign of the times …anyways..my rant is: when you give birth..it has the most surreal connection that is hard to beat.
I am so sorry that I don’t seem more compassionate — I am working through me shit here too and maintaining my life…which takes much energy…I so appreciate all the info tht I’ve assimillated . We’re not perfect yet.
ptsd
keep trusting your gut, because I note along with impending disater you have a felt sense about it first.
EB
You sound so strong. confident. alive. What a role model for your kids I agree with you NO ONE SHOULD GET AWAY WITH TREATING US LIKE THAT.
I didn’t waste my hard earned cash going after him for squandered money I entrusted him with. He is one who would never pay back….the assets are dust. But if there is one thing surer than day…HE WILL PAY ONE WAY OR ANOTHER DOWN THE LINE he is hated energetically by me, and my soul wont rest till he has paid up. …thats why I visit lovefraud so often. MY SOUL WILL NOT REST
Gee Thanks BulletProof