Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
Rebecca,
Fantastic post. I completely agree. But, what if Whitney had been exposed to all this info, but was in denial herself and therefore not open to treatment?
It’s all just so sad.
Rebecca,
thanks for writing this article. Whitney really makes us take a step back and think because she had so many resources and so much to live for. So what went wrong?
From what little I gathered, she did seem to have a problem with always wondering if she was “good enough”, as Kevin Costner said in his eulogy.
Spaths always try to make you feel that way.
..rest in peace Whitney..
When I heard (via the t.v. news) that Whitney Houston was dead, I read a post that a viewer left (that was aired on t.v.), stating that Whitney was now singing with the angels. She was a beautiful, talented woman. It’s unfortunate that she ended up with “a bad boy,” an abusive man, someone who was (and still is) incapable of being a decent, loving human being.
I found it interesting that her Ex husband STORMED OUT of the funeral service because he didn’t like how he and his group of 9 (nine) people were to be seated…I thought when I read that, that the funeral wasn’t for her as far as He was concerned, or her mother or her daughter (their daughter) but it was ALL ABOUT HIM. Sounds familiar doesn’t it?
It is a tragedy when anyone dies, and I am terribly sorry that Ms Houston’s life was cut short.
There are lots of what ifs in everyone’s life, hers, mine, and yours. Ultimately though, it boils down to the CHOICES we make regardless of what the “reason” we make those choices is.
She made some poor choices that resulted in her death.
Oxy, what a total a$$ [Bobb Brown]… what the spath couldn’t gloat on her death from close enough or what?
Hello Rebecca,
I want to congratulate you on your article about Whitney Houston. Hats off! It’s about time we begin
to spread the word around to women who are in abusive relationships under the ruling of abusers and
we need to encourage them to leave their pathological husbands or boyfriends to begin to rule their own lives.
We women deserve to be loved and respected. I’m doing everything on my part to stop the havoc that men with personality disorders
wreak on women.
Thank you
Best wishes
Maria
Maria,
these same PD’s affect women, so there are many spath women who destroy men AND women’s lives. Generally, because of the patriarchal social structure we live in, women are more vulnerable than men are to spaths. Yet, we can’t diminish what female spaths do to men and women. When we do, we lose more than 50% of our power to fight against this PD. That’s because people generally don’t have as much compassion for a problem that affects only women as they do for a problem that affects all humanity.
I watched an interview with Whitney and Oprah.
WOW…she was SO trauma bonded to him! She wanted that
relationship to work more than anything.
It just amazes me how you can have all the money, fame,and fortune in the world, yet the most important thing is to be “loved” for everyone. Even Demi Moore, who made a poor choice with the younger guy, is “sick” over the relationship not working.
Its a great lesson. Love yourself and never depend on anyone else’s love, appreciation, or acceptance …to determine how fulfilled you feel!
Philosophically speaking, it is all WITHIN us. When we stop looking for someone else on this earth to give us VALUE…and we just value OURSELVES, then we have inner peace.
I find that when I fulfill myself by doing things to make myself happy….whether its walking, bike riding…setting a goal to get my body healthy and in shape….reading…watching a movie…playing a song on the piano….oil painting…taking my kids to the beach..helping someone out with their problems…giving!
THATS when I feel “fulfilled”. When I look at celebrities who self destructed….Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson, and now, Whitney……I realize that its because they didn’t love themselves enough to live. They NEEDED something or someone from OUTSIDE of themselves to make them feel fulfilled.
An important lesson….I think.
All the self-helpers, philosophers….etc. are saying the same thing about “life” and “inner peace”. “Love yourself”. But, most people don’t get it!!!! They let their subconscious mind…the “tape” play…all the things that say…”You aren’t good enough…you have no value on this earth…he/she rejected you so you are worthless..” TAKE OVER.
WOW…an “aha” moment for me.
People who are “fulfilled”…”happy”….”content”….are NOT looking for what they can GET….who loves and cares about ME….they are too busy “giving” to others. This is KEY.
Whitney found “fulfillment” in caring for her only daughter. Seeing her daughter unhappy watching violence and abuse is what finally got her to leave him. But, she still “craved” his love for her and wanted him back!
Imagine…having the good looks she had, the talent, the opportunities…the gifted voice….the money, fame and fortune…
and yet one man’s rejection of her….one stupid person on earth who wouldn’t love her…..was more important to her than anything.
It was a great interview if anyone can catch it on Oprah again.
Wow!
I watched that inteview with Oprah last evening also. Oprah asked, early in the interview, if Brown had ever physically abused her. Whitney answered no, something like he knew better, because she grew up with two brothers and she could/would fight back.
She then went on to tell, throughout the interview, about him slapping her in the face, spitting in her face, pinning her up against a wall by the throat. The denial of physical abuse was unbelievable. Perhaps, she had the same type of denial with her addiction.
Rebecca, you stated if she could have connected with a group of other women that could have supported her. I think if she would have had ANYONE that could have supported her. Rather, her “friends”, people who “loved” her and could have supported her decided to go ahead with a party just floors below where her deceased body lay. If that was her support – well, she didn’t have a chance.
I agree, what a sad, sad, preventable end. And, again, a child left to deal with the choices of the parents.