Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
Yay Melly…you can do it!!! x
Thank you darwin and Ox.
He is so good to his new gf…so much more thoughtful than he EVER was with me…though I admit he was very charming and seemed too good to be true. I thought I had really scored a prize! I am certain she does, too. Little did I know it was a turd wrapped with pretty paper.
In the book by Lundy Bancroft I am reading (Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) it says those first few months of bliss are the way they hook you–that if on a first date the man threw his glass across the room and called you a bitch most women wouldn’t say, “Hey are you free next weekend?”
He also says that these men don’t even realize what they are doing–that at first they also have hopes and infatuation with the new relationship. But once she starts becoming a real person with real problems and needs of her own and is not in constant awe of him and even complains about something he does, he begins to show himself for what he is. His perceptual system also ensures that no woman can be a good woman while she is involved with him. It won’t be long until he is telling himself you are “just like the rest of them.”
I am not talking to him and he has not initiated contact. I find out stuff through the grapevine–a vine I know I must severe if I am to stop feeling bad about myself because he’s treating her like a princess mere weeks after our split, and all I ever got from him was a hard time (except in the beginning). In the beginning he thought I could walk on water. At the end I was drowning and he thought I was a weight that was sinking him.
Melly I am SO PROUD of you. Your strength and courage ripples out from you and affects those around you and here at LF…
Remember, courage is not about not being afraid. Courage is about being afraid and doing it anyway!
A quote from my mom. 🙂
Hi Vidya
I feel for you and what you’re going through now. Your ex sounds identical to mine (and probably 99% of us on here). I was ’the new squeeze’ when his wife first left him. I would strut along side of him with a smile from ear to ear thinking I had the greatest man in the world. The ex wife would come to collect the children from him and she would appear drawn and tired and mentally exhausted and he would say, “Oh look at her would you… she’s been out slutting on all night, getting drunk and living it up in her new life”. Of course I hung on every word he said. I believed this woman to be a nasty piece of work for destroying his world. In actual fact her gloomy face was a reflection of her healing process which some of us are going through now. He would try his hardest to rub me in her face as best he could. Little did I know at the time she was probably having the same thoughts you are Vidya with your ex. Thoughts along the lines of, “If only she realised he is in fact a turd wrapped in pretty paper”. We can only pity the new woman they latch onto after they’re finished with us. They will also endue the same lies and heartache as we are trying to put behind us now. We can only be thankful we’re at the other side of the long road to recovery!
Love the quote from your Mum 🙂
Melly, I’m so happy for you, that you escaped. It’s impressive that you “get it” so well. You can see behind the mask. That is so hard for so many people.
Yes, I remember what it was like to think my spath was the greatest. Part of that is our own narcissism. I was raised by N’s and N’s all think that THEIR family is “special”. That’s partly because family members are extensions of us and WE’RE special. Learning about spaths is really about learning about ourselves and how we became vulnerable to them.
I’m not saying you’re an N, just saying that this was what happened to me and it was part of my own dysfunction. If you can relate, it might help you avoid spaths in the future.
Vidya,
I love your analogy: a turd wrapped in pretty paper. OMG, that is just so spot on!
Hi Skylar
Your words of wisdom really helped me when I was questioning alot of things after my summer vacation. I researched further into the SP which helped me to understand alot more and to see things much clearer.
I think I can totally relate to the whole narcissism… I think I do have the traits in me without a doubt. That’s probably why I’ve battled so much with clarifying whether my NOW EX…(Yah that feels weird to say) was at fault or whether my narcissistic tendencies contributed to the way he was towards me. I think my family are awesome but I had to LOL when you made the comment, ” I was raised by N’s and N’s all think that THEIR family is “special”. That is very spot on to how my family think! You’ve really intrigued me with your concept. My mind is wide open to know a bit more about that concept as I would give anything to avoid attracting myself to another SP.
TO Vidya, Skylar, Melly, Oxy: And Everyone:
I loved Vidya’s comment on her sp: “I thought I had really scored a prize! I am certain she does, too. Little did I know it was a turd wrapped with pretty paper. “…
Well, there is a male wasp that does just that. The “good” male wasp wraps a fly for the female in a pretty “paper” which is a ball of silk as a gift so the female will mate with them. The “bad” male will wrap up a turd in this pretty package and fool the female. so after they are done with sex, he flys off as she unwraps the gift and finds not a fly, but a turd……
PLEASE read below because you so hit the nail on the head with this one, Vidya!!
I once listened to a radio program about sociopaths and their behaviors…The woman who was a psychologist compared the male sociopath dealing with females to the dance fly (wasp): (and please bear with me and read to the end…don’t mean to be winded but it is worth the point)
General Entomology—Elements of Behavior
……..”Behavior is what animals do. Although they may lack the capacity for intelligence or forethought, they still display a fascinating array of adaptive behavior that is a source of wonder and amazement to anyone who takes the time to study it.
.Any behavior we can observe by watching an animal is overt behavior. In insects, this usually includes responses to external stimuli as well as spontaneous activities that are related to the animal’s internal (physiological) needs.
Ethologists use the term “drive” (“hunger drive”, “sex drive”, etc.) to describe motivational urges that compel animals to behave as they do. ……..In general, overt behavior may be classified as innate, learned, or complex. Many people use the term “instinctive behavior” as a synonym for innate behavior.
Although both terms refer to natural, inborn patterns of behavior, some ethologists avoid the word “instinct” because in common English usage it often includes the connotation of acquired aptitudes or talents, as in: “She has good business instincts.” …………..Purists avoid any confusion in meaning by using the adjective “innate” for behaviors that are acquired through inheritance, and “learned” for behaviors that are acquired through experience. Complex behavior is a blend of innate and learned components.
Innate behavior is genetically programmed. Individuals inherit a suite of behaviors (often called an ethogram) just as they inherit physical traits such as body color and wing venation. In general, innate behaviors will always be:
Heritable — encoded in DNA and passed from generation to generation
Intrinsic — present in animals raised in isolation from others
Stereotypic — performed in the same way each time by each individual
Inflexible — not modified by development or experience
Consummate — fully developed or expressed at first performance
Since innate behavior is encoded in DNA, it is subject to genetic change through mutation, recombination, and natural selection. Just like physical traits, innate behaviors are phylogenetic adaptations that have an evolutionary history.
Comparative study of similar species often sheds light on the selective pressures that drive evolutionary changes in behavior. ……..
It may also help explain the origin of some very unusual behavior.
(HERE IS WHERE THE PSYCHOLOGIST EMPHASIZED THE BEHAVIOR OF A MALE SP WITH THAT OF THIS MALE WASP:)
One species of dance fly, for example, has a courtship ritual in which a male gives a ball of silk to a female. She unravels the ball while he mates with her………. By itself, this curious behavior seems truly bizarre. But a study of courtship in other dance flies reveals that males use a nuptial gift as a way to divert a female’s aggressive behavior long enough for insemination to occur………… In “primitive” species, the nuptial gift is an item of prey that the female consumes during copulation. In more “advanced” species, males wrap the prey in silk, thus buying a little extra time for copulation. ( HERE IT IS:) In the species where males offer just a ball of silk, they are exploiting the female’s innate response to the stimulus of a nuptial gift. Just another example of “selfish genes” at work! “……END OF THE QUOTE…..
The psychologist pointed out the male would also wrap his excrement into that ball of silk…..
SOUNDS VERY FAMILIAR!!
If you want to read more here is the site:
http://www.cals.ncsu.edu/course/ent425/tutorial/Behavior/index.html
Vision, GREAT!!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO!!!!! Snork, Snort, !!!!! Thanks for a great laugh for today!!!! That is exactly what a psychopath does!!!! Oh, what an insightful psychologist!!!
The book “The 48 Laws of Power” is almost a psychopath’s play book, like a coach’s foot ball play book, it tells exactly how to gain power by whatever means it takes…without conscience. (I reviewed it here on Love Fraud)
While I don’t think that humans are quite as programed on behaviors as the insects, I do think that there is a great deal of genetic programming going on with us, as well as using that programmed behavior to build on with learning by experience or observation.
The link that Skylar left last night that lead to an article about dr. Simon Baron-Cohen’s research about fetal testosterone levels effecting the brain growth and autistic type behavior is also very interesting. It mentioned about the “left handedness” traits being more male linked, and there has also been research showing that more psychopaths are left handed than would be expected in the general population at large. More psychopaths also tend to be ADHD and/or bi-polar than would be expected in the general population as well. I have known one psychopath who had them all, left handedness, ADHD, and Bi-polar. My psychopathic son Patrick is left handed.
Oxy, LOL! It is amazing….I wish I could remember who the psychologist was…Female, and it was a show in the afternoons here in the tri-state area–NJ, PA, NY…..it was about 10 years ago….wow, i am getting old!
I will look in the book you reviewed and the link as well….
Left handed….hmmm…..one sp I know is left handed….
I gotta run to an appointment but will be back later….
Melly,
read and learn as much about narcissism as you can. That way you can spot it a mile away, as well as in yourself and children.
For those of us raised by N’s, it’s very difficult to learn healthy boundaries because unhealthy ones feel “right”. For me, love always felt like control: if someone loves you they will try to control you. And also vice versa, although not as much.
In my family, it was basically “us against the world” “we are right and everyone else is wrong.”
I was reminded of my family when Joe Paterno’s wife said that if a family member came in and was feeling down, she would sit them at the dining room table, surrounded by pictures of their family members and the football trophies and honors. She would then say, “this is who we are, and nobody can take that away from us.”
Dr. Alexander Lowe, in “Fear of Life” explains how most fears are connected to loss of identity. For example, fear of public speaking is connected to losing your position in the community, then your job, your spouse, etc… Fear that you will be ostracized is fear of abandonment, resulting in death.
Joe Paterno’s wife was enabling that dependency on position in the family for identity, instead of encouraging an individual identity.
It starts to make sense, the more you observe it all around you. People get very emotional when their beliefs and consequently, their identities are threatened.
Vision,
thanks for that post. Fascinating.
I was just reading about the female spiders that eat the males after copulation. In one species (I forget which ones) the male sometimes escapes. So the researchers were wondering what evolutionary benefit there would be in allowing the male allowing the female to eat it. It turned out just as you posted about the wasp – more time, means more sperm get to reach the eggs. Which in turn means more offspring for the male.
The researchers actually measured the number of fertilized eggs in both situations (escaping vs. getting eaten)
I guess that means we should have dumped our spaths’ presents and just eaten the spath!
😆