Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
Vidya
Wow, your words are my words!
In my lack of understanding, early on, I wrote emails to my spath saying, “WHERE IS YOUR CONSCIENCE? WHERE IS YOUR MORAL CODE? FIND IT! LIFE YOUR LIFE IN THE OPEN!”. Little did I know then what a ridiculous thing I was asking for somebody who was so INCAPABLE.
And so many times, I demanded of him, “I WANT NORMAL. NORMAL RELATIONSHIP. HONESTY. OPEN BOOK. GROCERY SHOPPING. FAMILY. NO HIDING.”. Of course, that went nowhere.
And yes, so many times I saw people ask my spath a question, or, I asked one myself, and the question just went unanswered. He’d pretend he didn’t hear it, or he would change the subject, or redirect. What a pattern.
!@.......#(!)#!. Just typing this out makes me feel SO ANGRY at myself for tolerating it.
I SO MUCH want to reach out to his current supply and tell her how he’s been cheating on her. !P@.......#(!@.......(#!.
ATHENA
Athena,
I understand about wanting to warn the new supply. I did it, because none of the ex-es warned me, and they probably would have been the sole source I would have found credible. I’ve always relied on the rule of the new partner being treated like previous partners. I never had been with anyone who cheated on me, but once, and I told him to close the door behind him… wasn’t even a relationship, just budding. I never cheated on someone. I never slept or even kissed with a man who I knew who was with someone else (though some crash on the couch, and on the couch they stayed). Not that I have never been attracted to someone who was involved, but my rule was alway: if they cheat on someone for you, then they’ll cheat on you too. Had any of them told me he had cheated on them early on, certainly as severely as he has done, I’d have dropped my ex-spath like a stone. None of them did though, fearing I wouldn’t believe them. So, I did warn the new woman, and so did another ex. But she chose to believe the fairytale and lovebomb. At the very least, I feel I have done what felt honourable and right for me to do. I felt I did right by myself by doing what I considered the right thing. What she did with the info and date was her responsibility after that.
I do think that if you ever leak info, that it’s important to have supportive witnesses or evidence, and depending on the circumstances and risk of danger, to do it in a way so he or she cannot trace you back as a source.
And it all depends on the energy it needs: at the time it cost me less energy to warn her, then bottling it all up and feel guilty for not doing what I at the time felt right. Now, it’s the opposite.
DarwinsMom,
I would like to think that if I had been warned, I would have run. But I don’t know. I slept with him right away, and by then I was bonded. I saw red flags right away, but didn’t ACCEPT them for what they were. Dumb.
You’re right this all takes energy. I just need to work on acceptance and calming myself. I am angry at him and at myself.
There are moments where I just want to reach out and ruin his life. I hate to admit that, but it’s true. I need to find ways to let go of that impulse. I don’t have any tools in the toolbox to deal with THIS.
Athena
Athena,
I wouldn’t have known he was a sociopath. I also saw red flags, but they were unfamiliar to me. I saw the behaviour, but didn’t know the reasons for the behaviour. I do know that I shunned cheating behaviour. Then again, as said, I would have walked away without knowing what a sociopath was. I know now.
Athena, I would lie awake at night plotting ways to “get even” with some of the Ps who wounded me…but every time I did, I realized that just the plotting made me feel bad….I had to stop doing it FOR ME. Sometimes we get “justice”—they get found out or go to jail, but other times we don’t…they just move to hurt the next victim, or spit in our faces and walk off…but in the end, we are better off and our ultimate revenge is to LIVE A GOOD LIFE.
“our ultimate revenge is to LIVE A GOOD LIFE.”
Yes! My revenge feelings did not go further than taking back what he took from me: dignity and my lent status. The money I cannot get back, but I will have a small celebration when my personal loan is paid off in May. It will feel as if I’m dancing on his grave, and mentally he’s dead to me… in an icy grave of a mental arctic. I knew that if I would try more than that, I would be going beyond my reach, in a spiritual way and that would backfire: because I would keep him in my mental life then in a bad way, hold on to him so to speak. When I warned the new woman, it wasn’t about revenge, but pure concern for her.
Darwinsmom,
I agree. The spaths hate for us to be happy, that’s why they attacked us in the first place. They want us to feel the feelings of low self-worth that they have.
What would have them seething with rage, if they knew, is that we take these opportunities for self-reflection and come out of it stronger and with more dignity than ever.
Dabrowski’s theory of positive disintegration is a perfect example of rising out of a shattering experience.
http://giftedkids.about.com/od/socialemotionalissues/p/positive_dis.htm
The key is not to go backwards in any level and not to accept some facade of happiness just because we want to fit in. It has to be real happiness.
I love Dabrowski’s theory, Sky. I saved the link you gave about it once, and shared it with my best friend too.
Sky
I will go back and read that theory. Thank you for sharing the link.
Darwinsmom
In your post above, you mentioned wanting to “win” the spath back.
I hate to admit it, but that is one of the things that propels me.
I keep wanting to WIN. I want to win his heart. I want to win his love. I want to be right about him. I keep doing this over and over and over.
My closet is full of clothes that I bought because of him – a certain brand, or, a certain style (he loved it when I looked “glamorous”). I got sucked into being who he wanted me to be, which wasn’t my self at all.
I bought into the fantasy and played the role he wanted me to play.
And I still keep finding that I want to win.
I need a new story line. I suppose it’s acceptance.
Sky,
One of the things, Skylar, that you have said, is that it all starts with the idea that he wanted to hurt me, that he WANTS to hurt me. It still doesn’t compute with me. I just can’t see that. He seemed like he was SOOO into me. And he panicked when I dumped him.
Is that why he’s so hot and cold? Wants me, doesn’t? Says he loves me, then is as cold as ice? Is this part of a brain problem like bipolar/schitzophrenia, or is it purposeful, intentional manipulation?
Puzzled.
Athena
Darwinsmom,
I’m glad you found it helpful. One thing that I found so interesting is that the first level of integration is so infantile and it perfectly describes a spath. And then the second level is a perfect description of a FENCE SITTER! (easily manipulated, has no core values).
Athena,
Perhaps somewhere in his primordial spath brain, the spaths really do have a “need” for us, like they did for their mommy. But that isn’t love. I think spaths reveal that need, just enough for us to get a glimpse. It’s the tiny anchor of truth that they always insert in their titanic lies. It makes the whole charade seem more real.
You are experiencing cog/diss because he can be so nice to you and then he hurts you. They both SEEM so real. But only the hurtful part is real. His need for you is as a scapegoat for all his feelings of worthlessness. So yes, I know that they panic when you dump them.
Mine surely did. It was extremely traumatic for him. Imagine what it did to his delusions of power and control…whoops! And boy those were huge delusions! He had cops and homeland security guys chasing me around. The neighborhood had me surrounded by spaths, my own sister turned on me and he had a trojan horse homeland security agent married to her. His personality at this time became more unstable than I had ever seen it. He was heady with power. He had just convinced, S the millionaire, to buy a new helicopter so he could later con him into giving him the old one. He had so many balls in the air and they were all flying in his complete control. It must have felt like a punch to the gut when I left him. (or maybe a kick in the balls! I hope so.)
Everyone who saw him after that, was shocked at his appearance: he looked and SMELLED like a homeless person. It was gross. All because I took away his power to murder me. sad.