Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
Athena,
This is just what they do (to answer your question about why he’s so hot and cold). In the short period of time I knew my exspath, he did the same thing. He was so SO into me. I thought I had won the lotto! Then with no warning, he discarded me, like I didn’t even exist. And when I went away after the discard, he acted like I was the one who broke up with him and tried a power play to get me back. The game was so crazy that no sane person could possibly decipher it. I never figured it out, and I don’t care to. It doesn’t matter to me because I would never take someone back who did that to me even once.
It sounds like you are still hovering over the denial stage, thinking it’s possible he may have loved you. They are just not capable of it, Athena. Yours is not different or special. He may have genuinely been into you. I believe mine was really “into” me with some sort of infatuation that seemed like soul love, or so I thought. I don’t think it was his intention ever to ruin me, hurt me, discard me, or betray me. He was just doing what spaths do and acting on their shallow feelings which are on one day and off the next. Would you confront a snake and say, “Why did you cuddle me yesterday, but you bit me and tried to strangle me today?” A snake just does what it does. And so does a spath. Trying to understand, punish, get even with, or get an apology out of a spath is like trying to get those things from a snake. In spath minds, which are wired differently, it’s normal to lie and discard people. They don’t understand the hurt they cause because they can’t feel that kind of emotional hurt. A few times when I was mad at my spath, I said I was going to call him and didn’t call. He could have cared less. In his mind, that was normal behavior, for people to lie and break promises.
When I finally walked away, there was a period of intense grief and longing. Every day I drove home from work, some song would come on the radio with some feeling in it, and I would cry and wail. After a few months of this, eventually his hold on me loosened.
As far as the longing and addiction, if you put your energy toward something else, then that’s energy that is not going toward him. Take up a hobby, any hobby and throw yourself into it. That way, the thoughts of him cannot consume you 24/7.
Sky and Star
You’ve left me some really great nuggests.
“A snake does what it does. They don’t understand the hurt they cause because they can’t feel that kind of emotional hurt”.
Bingo. I think this is true. They think and move and act like a snake. So there are cycles and movements that make no sense to HUMANS.
Sky, you said “his personality at this time became more unstable…” YES! In the times that I have dumped my spath, this is exactly what happened to him as well – a near complete melt down, he started talking backwards, started strange behaviors. YES. This is right.
I’m saving this thread.
Star:
I loved your post. I could relate to it so much. Thanks.
You know, I can relate to what you guys are going through, but not over my exspath. The relationship with him had a distinct beginning, a drama (I mean a middle lol) and an end. I feel more addicted to the rollercoaster with my neighbor which I’ve been on for a year and a half. Every time I start to disconnect, he will reach out to me and act like he likes me, and I get sucked back in.
It’s not something that rents a huge amount of space in my head, but it is there.
Athena,
When you start getting the feeling you want to ‘win’ against the spath, go rent the movie “War of the Roses” and watch it to the end. That should cure you.
athena,
It’s good that you admit yourself you still want to win him back. It’s not so good that you want to win him back, but it’s good you admit it to yourself, so you can do something about it.
I never had that feeling, because he discarded me and in the way he discarded me. The moment he did, I woke up. He did this in such a childish, high school crap manner, that it instantly made me feel such an adult and provoked me into retaking my self-esteem. It was ugly, but in such a petty way, that it was almost ridiculously laughable. The last person I would want to win back was this snotty, childish high school boy he turned out to be. I want a man, and he ain’t one. About a month ago his new victim changed her profile picture: them in front of the buckingham palace. And frankly he just looked like a big baby on it: pink t-shirt, baggies, large white headphones connected to an IPod in his baggie pockets. I just saw a giant baby on that picture who wants to flaunt his big white earphones. He looked so ridiculous to me, it almost made me giggle.
But I recognize where your head is at, because that’s how it was whenever I did kick him out for his grossest behaviour. Then I was thinking more in the line of: I shoudn’t tolerate this, this is bad. But somewhere I still hoped it would make him think, make him feel how he missed me, and alter his behaviour. When I kicked him out, I did it as an ultimatum, rather than freeing myself of him. But when he ditched me, it went much further than that, because of how he did it. With the mask off, I truly never wanted to be associated with who he was. I only wanted to get my dignity back.
The panic reaction points more to control rather than heartbreak. People have 3 mental zones: comfort zone, explorative zone, and panic zone. The comfort zone is when you feel the most in control over your environment and tasks. The explorative zone is exciting: contains environment and tasks you may be unfamiliar with, but you still have familiar elements. Panic zone is where people end up when they feel control has been ripped out of their hands. The panic stops when the person is brought back into an environment or told to do something that they are familiar with and feel back in control. Panic reactions are ALWAYS a sign of feeling loss of control.
DarwinsMom
Yeah. To your point, I feel like I am in panic zone when I leave him. I feel like I have a big hole in my gut and need his validation and attention.
It’s the cog/dis thing.
He pretended to be this great guy, and when I snooped, I found out that he wasn’t at all who he pretended to be. He even said that to me once. He said “you think I’m this nice, suave, polished guy, and I’m not!”. But he kept pretending to be and I wanted the fantasy.
I guess I just have to sit in the pain and get through it every day. Again and again.
Athena
Athena “I wanted the fantasy” is the truth because that is all it is FANTASY, not real.
It is like you have found out that there is no santa Claus, no easter bunny, and no tooth fairy. It was lovely believing in them but they are NOT real….and neither is this “great romance” you had with the psychopath. It is all just a fantasy.
Athena,
There is a little trick you can do to heal that hole inside of you, but you have to really be willing to be with that feeling of emptiness, and not medicate yourself with food, drugs, or alcohol, etc. I know it’s a painful feeling – I’ve gone through it many times, and the pain was so bad I wanted to die.
The part of you that needs validation is probably very young. You can actually open up a dialogue with that “inner child” who needs the validation. You would actually have a conversation out loud. Ask her what she wants and needs and tell her you are there for her to give her whatever she needs. Tell her she is safe. Then listen and let her express herself. She may need to cry or get angry. Or ask for something. Then (this part is VERY important), you can give her the validation she needs. Tell her she is smart, beautiful, and valuable, and that you are going to be there to take care of her. GIVE her the validation she needs. She may want to go out for an ice cream or just be held. You can do these things for her.
Believe me when I say that this method really does work, and it takes back your power to meet your needs OUT of the hands of other people, including the spath. Once you start doing this and feel it working, you will feel stronger and like you can meet your own needs.
I do this on a regular basis lately, because I’ve been in a lot of pain myself. I actually have this conversation with my inner 2 y.o. I do it while soaking in the bathtub usually. Try it, athena. It really works.
Star I found the story about the poison snakes the guy had on an ONLINE newspaper and here is the link
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2107144/Reptile-collector-venomous-snakes-lizards-confiscated-police-49-000-creatures-mobile-home.html
Just in case you hadn’t found it. I have to laugh, I get more American news from the LONDON paper than from the US sources. LOL The shooting at MiLo’s school was in the London paper within a matter of a few hours. LOL amazes me really.