Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
You all are such strong, knowledgeable voices. Yes, this is also an issue that affects men. Yes, her ex had to make a dramatic issue of the funeral not being about him, and his acting ability is amazing, the tears, the intense emotions. And it is deplorable that her self absorbed friends partied floors beneath her while she and her family suffered. Please keep speaking, so that those who do not know where to turn hear you!!! So many families know this sad sad story. It affects our hearts so deeply.
PS, I have had tremendous outcomes using a biofeedback machine before any therapy or education. It helps to reduce defensive mechanisms developed by traumatized clients. So again, I stand firm that with the appropriate treatment, not what the insurance companies will pay for, denial breakthroughs and recovery occurs. I call it a relationship recovery because it is not only your mate who was abusive, it is your boss, many friends,family, etc. an abuse survivor has to gain new friends just like those in other recovery groups.
I know I sometimes think the stars have such glamorous lives because of their fame and fortune. This is one more reminder that they suffer, too, and make bad choices. None of us are immune to suffering. I didn’t follow Whitney’s life much, but I was crushed when Michael Jackson died. So many artists seem so tortured, and it seems such a tragedy when they die without resolving the pain in their lives. It’s like we are trying to find some meaning in their death, to resolve the pain for them…..if only this, or if only that – because we feel some identification with them, and we don’t want OUR lives to end that way. We think they should have lived longer. I feel that Whitney chose to live the way she wanted to live and die the way she wanted to die. The drama-filled life that was cut short early by drugs was the the life she chose. For her, that was was life was about, and if so, she certainly packed a lot of “life” into her 48 years. In her mind, she probably suffered for her “love” and to her, this was probably a noble thing. Doesn’t make sense to us but we are not her. Everyone finds their own meaning in life, even if it causes them great suffering.
It’s easy to sit here and say what she should have done, but I am not her. I’ve never had to live her life. Maybe if she’d left the abusive jerk years earlier, she still would have chosen a life of drugs? A lot of stars/people choose to live on the edge. They don’t all need a spath to help them either. There are stars like Amy Winehaus (sp) who died at 27 without the help of a spath. I think it is our own projection that everyone should live a nice peaceful life and die at 80. Not everyone is meant to have a long, peaceful life. Some people live on the edge by choice. So if they choose to live hard and die young, why should we blame others for their choices?
You can’t tell me that with all her fame, power, and money, she didn’t have access to good support groups and psychotherapy if she wanted it. I’m sure she had friends and family who tried to “save” her but she didn’t want to be saved. I don’t buy this blaming other people for her death. Same with Michael Jackson. They chose their fate by the lifestyles they lived. I think we should celebrate her beautiful voice and the gifts she gave to society but not sanctify her as some sort of martyr who was imprisoned by a spath.
Stars have this incredible pressure on them in that they are unwitting role models for the rest of us. For MY money, I take someone like Tina Turner as my role model. She walked away from her spath with just her name, and broke the connection in a very drama-free way. She just walked away. She is someone I look up to. But I respect Whitney’s choices, however much pain they caused her. They were HER choices and in some morbid way gave her life meaning.
What I take away from all of this is that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You have to respect people’s choices. You can only save yourself.
If Whitney could see herself and see what we saw….Her life might have been different.
We saw the beauty, the smile, the voice. Looking in from the outside she had it all.
Money & fame can’t buy self esteem. It can’t buy sobriety. It can’t buy happiness.
Money didn’t chase away her demons.
Money & fame can buy you a very comfortable lifestyle.
But as we have seen over and over again….In the news and tabloids….Money doesn’t take away a persons inner pain & conflicts.
I just have to tell everyone what my spath would say when a celebrity committed suicide or when a celebrity was reported addicted and out of control.
He would say, “they deserve it. If I had that much money, I wouldn’t have any problems at all. It they can’t handle life when they have all that money, then they deserve what they get.”
I wish I had understood at the time, what his mind state was really like. I just didn’t get the no empathy part.
Another interesting thing, is that he could get money easily. Whether in a con or a drug deal, he seemed to pull rabbits out of hats. Yet he CHOSE poverty most of the time so that he could continue to drag me down, take my money and that of others by using the pity ploy. So I have to wonder if there wasn’t a double meaning in his comments.
Wanted to comment on the addiction issue. Whitney probably dealt with so many corporate psychopaths in the music and film industry. It appears that her anxiety was debilitating.
Her ex Bobby was jealous of her relationship with her co stars, esp. Denzel Washington. Bobby was reported to create scenes on the set because of his jealousy. Typical behavior of the spath spouse creating drama/ sabotage to keep his spouse’s career sabotaged. Can’t have a successfu, confident, happy spouse, why would they stay. The spath instinctively knows this and keeps their captives in a fearful state, slowing conquering their soul’s strength, Bobby probably reinforced her anxiety.
I imagine the scene in Hollywood triggered many of the environmental cues to cause the increase in anxiety. Possibly she was increasing the prescription medications and the alcohol to medicate the increasing anxiety. Treatment usually has to occur several times. The first time is usually a withdrawal period and an attempt to educate and decrease denial. Each successive treatment works to sustain recovery, and decrease emotional responding. It is disappointing that she was given prescription medication before she had a solid recovery.
I can personally understand this anxiety. I had to force myself back into situations alone without my ex spath. When my PTSD symptoms and anxiety escalate; I have learned to take it easy, the gentle life and to avoid those who demand too much from me. I have re-learned to set firm boundaries. This has been a lot of relationship recovery work. My Patrick Carnes, copy of “Betrayal Bonds” is tattered and marked up. I work to ask God to remove the intense feelings that occur when I start to feel the PTSD/Anxiety triggers.
Relationship Recovery is a new area. Unless you have been in one of these relationships, you cannot imagine the intense anxiety and how to recover. I can still hear people saying to me, “Just get over it and move on.” It is very difficult to get over these dangerous relationships and please never say that to anyone. This is a serious mental, emotional and physical injury that must be addressed with serious professional treatment. Discounting this serious medical issue, allows insurance companies, courts and professionals to avoid seriously exploring and developing professional treatment options for those who suffer and need treatment.
sky – the spath was all over celebrity tragedy. Was overly affected by it and identified with it. of course. the bitch was a rock star.
rebeccap- i have been used nuerofeedback intermittently for over a year and it has significantly reduced my PTSD symptoms.
hello dear witty.
One/joy– yes neurofeedback treatment works well with PTSD symptoms. Glad you are taking your recovery seriously!