Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman ”¦ It’s all in me ”¦
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if ”¦
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
It would be nice if somebody could contact Sissy Houston with this article and comment’s.
Rebeccap your post above say’s so much of what I dealt with and still do to some extent – I get my professional therapy here, thank you..
hiya hens!
Howdee 1steprs 🙂
I have been helped enormously by Lovefraud but think this post i ignores the fact that Whitney was an addictive personality who died from drugs and drink. It’s as simple as that.
There is no-one else to blame but herself and, indeed, what about the influence she herself has had on her daughter’s addiction problems? At some stage we all have to take responsibility for our own behaviour and not always look for someone else to blame!
As someone in recovery myself, I think she was given every chance to turn her life around and she simply didn’t want it badly enough.
Insofar as the attitude towards the pathological people’s actions is not focused on the right direction, we women will continue to be victims of
disordered men (I know that there are sociopathic women but male sociopaths outnumber female sociopaths by far given their biological predisposition).
How much more damage will it take for society to take severe action against this dehumanizing scourge??? I’m willing to fight against this problem with all the more might because it is women’s problem and I’m sure that it continues to be an untackled problem because it’s not men’s problem and men are by nature self-centered even if non-disordered.
Addiction is a disease. No one has control over this insidious monster! It does not matter how much money you have. It begins very slowly and changes the body chemistry. It is more cunning and baffling than the psychopath. So many survivors of a dangerous relationship are medicating with substance use. We all have faced ineffective treatment and judgment from the psychological community. The pain of abuse has been ignored by the medical community. Statistics show that around 65% of abused children and adults will become addicts. Whitney had the courage to admit her flaws, again another example of her glorious voice, honesty, honesty. She left another legacy of the truth spoken for the benefit of others. I do not live in a glass house and I admire her courage to be honest. Again “The Voice” the world needs to hear.
I know I am on the wrong website to start a support campaign for Bobby Brown and I wish I could say that I know him personally but I don’t. But if everyone can bash him I can stand up for him. You all are blinded by Whitney’s public persona. Don’t get me wrong I loved her music. I used to sing her songs in my room as a little girl. I still have her vinyl self-titled record, so that speaks support. But in regards to her relationship with Bobby Brown, people always view her public persona. Before Bobby Brown, in the public eye Whitney was always together, that is until the end. It is true that being with the right person can bring those hidden characteristics out of you. But I will say that looking back at them they were in love. People fight but that doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. They sometimes fight because they love each other but communication fails. Not everyone is a sociopath. And just because he was a self-proclaimed badboy does not mean that he was a bad person. Women love the badboy. We fall for that time and again so it is high time we take some responsibility for our actions of falling for them. Stop blaming him for her demise. Because when you look at the end of her life and you look at his life, he got his life together and she is the one who tragically died. She was responsible for her life and if she had given it over to God she would still be here. But God has a plan and purpose even for our mistakes. Let Bobby Brown continue his life. He regrets the things he did and you can tell by the fact that he has stopped using drugs and has turned his life around. Whitney was who she was before she met him. It was just a secret to the rest of us. She felt a sense of empowerment when she was with him because he truly loved who she was. But she never felt good enough. She didn’t have anything to prove to anybody. She was by far the prettiest woman in Hollywood. She had the best voice in all the world. But for some reason she suffered from insecurity based on the people who knew her best. Bobby championed her but of course he had his own issues with drugs and alcohol at the time they were together so it was a bad combination. We can’t expect to addicts to be able to support each other to get off drugs. It was just an all bad situation. He hit rock bottom too remember. He was found sleeping on some video vixen’s couch and she blasted him on Youtube. He hit rock bottom too. But by the grace of God he got it together. Whitney on the other hand continued to downward spiral. She divorced him thinking that would solve her problems but instead she lost control over her life. She lost her voice. She lost her life. It is very sad.
Dear Maamh,
I too have been helped tremendously by Lovefraud. I have been reading for 6 years now and commenting along the way. Your comments about Whitney’s addiction being ignored in this post surprised me. Your comment about “no one to blame but herself” makes me believe you don’t get it.
I think in all sincerity, that you need to keep reading here at Lovefraud and need to wake up to the fact of what is really going on here at Lovefraud…….saying she “didn’t want it badly enough” is spoken, forgive me, like a SP.
Maybe you better reveal this to your therapists……
rebeccap, I could not agree with you more, especially about the need for biofeedback or other types of therapies (not covered by insurance).
I would have been resistant to the idea myself, in ignorance, until I ventured into that area. Now, mind you, I have not had the funds so all I did was EFT on myself. And I was an open-minded skeptic when I tried it.
It absolutely worked. I still don’t understand how, but I figure I don’t need to know how (at this time, though I’m curious of course).
It created a breakthrough for me in my PTSD. I had been suffering with it, up and down, going on for sometimes some years without a trigger, then suddenly a debilitating trigger/setback… I was honestly wondering what the heck was wrong and if I’d ever be able to “move on, get over it” as you say…
…I couldn’t do it on my own. I used alcohol (a little; a daily beer). I tried to distract myself and “move on.” But if I am honest with myself, I was really impaired by my PTSD for a very long time (about 10 years of trying to “move on, get over it.”). Yes, I had some therapy. I read a lot of books. I am a very strong person.
But EFT was a gigantic breakthrough. It did something to me mentally, energetically, psychically — I really don’t know what — it cleared a lot of the PTSD.
I haven’t tried the other things because I cannot afford it financially. But I’m sure you are correct.
The thought i most wanted to express about this was that until I opened myself up to try this alternative (and strange-sounding) therapy, I didn’t put much stock in it. I really didn’t think it would or could help. I tried it sort of as a “what the heck; it can’t hurt…” thing. And I was stunned at the results.
I’m continuing to use EFT for residual things that come up, with continuing excellent results. It works for other things, too (physical and psychological).
Rebecca made a very good point which I hope will not be overlooked… that the current, insurance-covered “therapies” DO NOT WORK for this type of trauma (or perhaps any type of trauma). And also that effective therapies CURRENTLY EXIST, but they are not widely accepted, known about, nor covered by insurance. They certainly are not the current protocol — and they SHOULD BE.
oh, and regarding some of the other recent comments — I definitely wanted it (recovery, healing) “badly enough!!!”
And no amount of willpower seemed to overcome the PTSD. I left my spath ex-husband, but I still was caught up in the trauma/drama of the continuing relationship (we have kids together). I do not like the word “addiction” as in, I was “addicted” to the drama…
but I have to say, once EFT broke that cycle (it was some kind of bond, whether energetic, psychic, psychological, biochemical — I really cannot say, but it broke; something radically and fundamentally changed within me) — I was able to finally make sufficient progress to get to the point where I can now say I am “getting over it and moving on.”
I absolutely have to say — unless you have gone through something like this– and I mean totally having gone through both the traumatic bonding, the desperately trying to understand and “get over it, move on” without sufficient results, and THEN finally having some effective therapy (something like biofeedback or EFT) that causes a change (this is totally outside the realm of “willpower” or “wanting it badly enough”) then you cannot know.
I would not have known this myself, had I not experienced it. I would have judged… I would have said that I (and others, like Whitney) just need to try harder, to want it more, or something.
This alternate therapy WORKS and is not known by enough people.